Yep, still crazy.
Aug. 10th, 2009 10:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI've been all happy because I can sleep at night, and I can do a lot of self-motivated stuff during the day, and I feel at peace most of the time. Like my time in therapy and my months of emdr really, really helped me a lot, though there is still of course something there. I'm "channeling all my birth angst into positive change in the world" through my book writing and advocacy work. Yesterday affirmed for me, though, that I have not just some issues but an entire subscription.
*sigh*
BirthGirlz hosted this event called "Embracing the Miracle", which was supposed to be about "How Prenatal Choices Effect Who Your Child Can Become", led by a woman I hadn't heard of who comes with a certain amount of acclaim. I was like, alright, whatever, she's a noted author who's done world tours, Nancy likes her, I figured it would be a little new-agey but I do believe in bonding with your baby in utero and getting researched and junk, which is what I thought this was about. I was volunteered to make a lot of food for the event and that ended up being really satisfying. We had 30-35 confirmed guests, and I made 60 each of stuffed mushrooms, tiny fruit tarts, and little savory tarts. Let me digress for a moment because this is enjoyable: the fruit tarts were little phyllo shells brushed inside with boiled-thin apricot preserves, filled with a mixture of whipped cream, cream cheese and sugar, and topped with sliced kiwi and strawberry slivers. The savory tarts were the same phyllo shells, but the filling was onions and walnuts diced small and sauteed up in a lot of butter, then mixed with cream cheese and bacon crumbles, and I topped each of those with these fresh microgreens we got - pea shoots. They looked freaking fabulous and everybody loved it all, though I think one particular chick ate like 15 of the mushrooms which is totally cheating ;) They were stuffed with tons of onion and garlic sauteed in olive oil, lots of diced red and yellow bell pepper, tiny-diced tomatoes, seasoned breadcrumbs and cheddar cheese (I knew there would be a lot of vegetarians there). And Kristin and Michelle had brought fresh artichoke dip and HOMEMADE CRACKERS and baked bree hot and oozing out of itself and Michelle's daughters baked chocolate chip cookies and brownies and cinnamon rolls and things, everything spelt flour and raw turbinado sugar and anyway, the point is the food was the good part for sure.
I was unprepared for the actual content, which was all based upon the intro topic; "It's not birth to three that really matters, it's birth and the first hour of life". Then we got to build on that for 2 hours, with everything from contrasting slides between the warm glowy home brith pool to dramatic black and white stills of screaming babies alone on cold metal hospital scales with their umbilical cords cut too soon, to real stats and pics of how Japaense researchers have seen on brain scans that babies born by c-section actually have a hole in their neocortex. She talked about how long initial separations like Aaron had can actually cause sensory issues and how premature c-section with NICU stays, like Isaacs, can cause nightmares and high needs babies. She discussed the half life of the drugs you get during a cesarean in your newborn and how they stunt growth of the neural network and how babies turn face up as they come out, this amazing spiral, because women pull their babies up to face them with the cord still connecting. The synaptic explosion that happens when eye contact occurs in that instant. How the endorphin, oxytocin and prolactin bursts just after birth are the chemical high of a woman's entire life, and lay the foundation for the mother-child relationship.
I am not saying the half of it and I'm not GOING to, but I have rarely managed that level of dissociation. Really. I was talking and laughing with my sister or Kristin the whoooole time, and by the time it was time to go I realized my reflection was confusing me and making me mad, when I saw it in the bathroom, and that I already had blank spots I couldn't remember. I got home and tried to go right to sleep (before dinner, before nighttime, me who never sleeps) and was angry when I had to get up. I was totally out of sorts.
Grant got the kids in bed. Then he brought me my crocheting stuff and sat me on the floor between his legs (him on the couch), rubbed my shoulders and asked me questions until I had cried for a freaking hour and described all this crap to him. Then we layed together and made love and then we sat around at the computer laughing at things for awhile and then he pulled out all the him-uncomfortable-but-me-in-his-arms stops to get me to be able to sleep after I got all hysterical again about having to go back into surgery, and how my diastasis and hernia are totally worse the last week, and blah blah blah.
I woke up feeling a lot better. He is pretty amazing.
Some of the stuff the woman was saying was laughable hooey, for instance she referenced crystal babies and indigo children, and gave us a live demonstration of what orgasmic birth would sound like. <- Not kidding. She also had many annoying turns of phrase, such as calling herself a "coyote midwife" because she "sits by the hole and waits", and acting as though she tricked us all after we raised our hands to show who breastfed their babies because NO! We did not breastfeed, our BABIES breastfed! So that sort of woo helped me to disregard and tune out to some degree.
But a lot of what she said is real truth I see manifested in my kids as individuals, that Grant and I have talked about before, at length, and/or is proven whether I like it or not, and much of it is shit I take totally on myself as a burden of guilt.
I really do believe in "reparative work" after bad beginnings, and I think I've done amazingly with that and that is part of why my kids are so great as they are.
Still and all, listening to someone talk about human potential vs damaged goods for an entire afternoon had me wanting to punch her in the face.
*sigh*
BirthGirlz hosted this event called "Embracing the Miracle", which was supposed to be about "How Prenatal Choices Effect Who Your Child Can Become", led by a woman I hadn't heard of who comes with a certain amount of acclaim. I was like, alright, whatever, she's a noted author who's done world tours, Nancy likes her, I figured it would be a little new-agey but I do believe in bonding with your baby in utero and getting researched and junk, which is what I thought this was about. I was volunteered to make a lot of food for the event and that ended up being really satisfying. We had 30-35 confirmed guests, and I made 60 each of stuffed mushrooms, tiny fruit tarts, and little savory tarts. Let me digress for a moment because this is enjoyable: the fruit tarts were little phyllo shells brushed inside with boiled-thin apricot preserves, filled with a mixture of whipped cream, cream cheese and sugar, and topped with sliced kiwi and strawberry slivers. The savory tarts were the same phyllo shells, but the filling was onions and walnuts diced small and sauteed up in a lot of butter, then mixed with cream cheese and bacon crumbles, and I topped each of those with these fresh microgreens we got - pea shoots. They looked freaking fabulous and everybody loved it all, though I think one particular chick ate like 15 of the mushrooms which is totally cheating ;) They were stuffed with tons of onion and garlic sauteed in olive oil, lots of diced red and yellow bell pepper, tiny-diced tomatoes, seasoned breadcrumbs and cheddar cheese (I knew there would be a lot of vegetarians there). And Kristin and Michelle had brought fresh artichoke dip and HOMEMADE CRACKERS and baked bree hot and oozing out of itself and Michelle's daughters baked chocolate chip cookies and brownies and cinnamon rolls and things, everything spelt flour and raw turbinado sugar and anyway, the point is the food was the good part for sure.
I was unprepared for the actual content, which was all based upon the intro topic; "It's not birth to three that really matters, it's birth and the first hour of life". Then we got to build on that for 2 hours, with everything from contrasting slides between the warm glowy home brith pool to dramatic black and white stills of screaming babies alone on cold metal hospital scales with their umbilical cords cut too soon, to real stats and pics of how Japaense researchers have seen on brain scans that babies born by c-section actually have a hole in their neocortex. She talked about how long initial separations like Aaron had can actually cause sensory issues and how premature c-section with NICU stays, like Isaacs, can cause nightmares and high needs babies. She discussed the half life of the drugs you get during a cesarean in your newborn and how they stunt growth of the neural network and how babies turn face up as they come out, this amazing spiral, because women pull their babies up to face them with the cord still connecting. The synaptic explosion that happens when eye contact occurs in that instant. How the endorphin, oxytocin and prolactin bursts just after birth are the chemical high of a woman's entire life, and lay the foundation for the mother-child relationship.
I am not saying the half of it and I'm not GOING to, but I have rarely managed that level of dissociation. Really. I was talking and laughing with my sister or Kristin the whoooole time, and by the time it was time to go I realized my reflection was confusing me and making me mad, when I saw it in the bathroom, and that I already had blank spots I couldn't remember. I got home and tried to go right to sleep (before dinner, before nighttime, me who never sleeps) and was angry when I had to get up. I was totally out of sorts.
Grant got the kids in bed. Then he brought me my crocheting stuff and sat me on the floor between his legs (him on the couch), rubbed my shoulders and asked me questions until I had cried for a freaking hour and described all this crap to him. Then we layed together and made love and then we sat around at the computer laughing at things for awhile and then he pulled out all the him-uncomfortable-but-me-in-his-arms stops to get me to be able to sleep after I got all hysterical again about having to go back into surgery, and how my diastasis and hernia are totally worse the last week, and blah blah blah.
I woke up feeling a lot better. He is pretty amazing.
Some of the stuff the woman was saying was laughable hooey, for instance she referenced crystal babies and indigo children, and gave us a live demonstration of what orgasmic birth would sound like. <- Not kidding. She also had many annoying turns of phrase, such as calling herself a "coyote midwife" because she "sits by the hole and waits", and acting as though she tricked us all after we raised our hands to show who breastfed their babies because NO! We did not breastfeed, our BABIES breastfed! So that sort of woo helped me to disregard and tune out to some degree.
But a lot of what she said is real truth I see manifested in my kids as individuals, that Grant and I have talked about before, at length, and/or is proven whether I like it or not, and much of it is shit I take totally on myself as a burden of guilt.
I really do believe in "reparative work" after bad beginnings, and I think I've done amazingly with that and that is part of why my kids are so great as they are.
Still and all, listening to someone talk about human potential vs damaged goods for an entire afternoon had me wanting to punch her in the face.
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no subject
Date: 2009-08-11 02:22 am (UTC)Also, Kyu and I are wondering if that speaker thinks we are doomed as mother and son since I wasn't even there when he was born. Ouch.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-11 02:50 am (UTC)I think Kyu was completely and totally born to be your son, dude. Seriously and 100%. Since the first picture.
My sister and I talk a lot about constitutions and genetics and things - how she and I weathered some Crazy Shit as kids fairly well but, say, Isaac has a very hard time with daily life in a loving family - her hypothesis is that kids choose the right families to be born into, "for them". And sometimes I think she is on to something.
On a less sentimental note, as the practical person I can sometimes be, I see it like this: Kyu probably did have a pretty hard time not having a familiar smelling mom with a familiar sounding heartbeat around to slip him a titty in those early weeks. And it was probably really rough to deal with being transferred to foster care, or realizing you and Kris weren't taking him back to the foster care he'd gotten used to. But that's the beginning of the story, not the end of it. Part of the rest involves how deeply those foster peeps truly cared for him, and how you two are bending over backwards to "attach", and are giving him what I really see as an amazing life and family. He even came to you well before his first birthday, giving you the majority of that zero to three period still there for molding and shaping securities and trust. Nobody's life is perfect; everybody has challenges to overcome. If the worst of Kyu's have already passed, he's got it pretty damned good.
I am sitting here wondering how I can sincerely mean this and yet not apply it to my own life and family. I think it is about how you and Kris have done nothing but give a child who needed one a loving and thoughtful home, whereas I was actually an ignorant fool allowing harmful things to befall my babies. For instance, with Elise, I really did everything I could and fluke, unforseeable crap really mandated the c/s and medical care really saved her life. So I can feel about her, like I do about Kyu, and be at peace with it for the most part.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-11 03:00 am (UTC)Also: you are NOT an ignorant fool if the worst thing you ever did was trust experts when you were in a vulnerable position. We do the best we can.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-13 04:35 pm (UTC)Just an idea.