(no subject)

[altarflame]

I went back to the surgeon yesterday to get my staples out, and general aftercare. I found out that my heart and blood pressure troubles in the ICU were because I was septic, which is terrifying. I mean, it wasn't like the surgery caused sepsis, it was just the natural progression of the infection that was building up here at home. Hence the whole, "If you'd have come two days later, you'd have been dead of septic shock". And the surgeon reassured me by saying, "The surgery went really well - you did great, it was very uncomplicated. I was pleasantly surprised, because I did not think it was going to go well." O_O

He says the weird hole they opened in my incision should close within 7-10 days, and all the belly swelling should be gone in about a month (right now I look decidedly pregnant, plus gruesome incision site).

Every day when I wake up, I'm so glad to be out of there, and so glad that I'm healing, and so happy to be alive. Every night when I'm trying to go to sleep, all I can think of is how it felt to be in the hospital, and how scared I was, and how terrified I still am in spite of myself, sometimes, of having to go back. It keeps me awake, and makes me afraid of nightmares, but then inspires prayer, which is how I end up resting.

Meanwhile, my kids make me smile 100 times a day and laugh at least 10,a nd I am awash in tiny love - BUT, it is starting to get old, this can't lift the baby, can't bend over to pick up clutter bs. I just feel like such a lump when, say, we go grocery shopping and Grant is getting Isaac and Jake into a cart and Elise in the kozy while I stand there, or we leave, and he's doing the reverse plus loading up all the groceries as I sit in the passenger seat. I sorted some laundry and picked up our bedroom last night, and felt like I'd been out doing manual labor all day or something afterwards. Loading the dishwasher is back torture. He tells me to just relax and get better, but really there is so much to do around here. There's no way to over-empaphasize it.

I also get absolutely desperate for Grant sometimes. I mean, what is this "grown up" crap wherein I have to sit in the hospital alone for days while he cares for the kids, and get my traumatized self to sleep with Elise because he's on the couch with Jake? Argh. Generally speaking just as I think I'll crack up from it, we get awhile totally to ourselves that makes up for it, and I'm good to go again for awhile.


We went to Starbucks last night and I got a frappuccino for the first time since all the hoohaw started. And, oh man, do I have problems :p Just pulling up at the drive thru menu and seeing the holiday treats and peppermint/eggnog/gingerbread flavors back again made me, like...giddy. And warm inside. I said, "Christmas at Starbucks!!" with this feeling of fullness. Then we pulled up at the window and That Smell wafted out into our van, and oh my. There are like 3 things that compete, on a personal level of pleasure, with frappuccino for me; religious epiphanies, swimming in this natural spring lake a friend of mine lives near, and sex. That's it. Every single time I get one I think, what if I've built it up too much in my mind? And then every single time, it exceeds all my expectations. *sigh of contentment* Now I even have all these associations built up, where CHRISTMAS at Starbucks is something I connect with traveling to Lakeland and Jacksonville and being with family and presents and feasting and road trips. Geez I felt like I got a bonus when I felt like I might live, and then realized the holidays were coming, too. Grant was looking at me like I was on crack, last night. With good reason.

A very large proportion of my thoughts goes to lawsuits and novels, but I've been advised over and over by real life and e-people not to talk about those things here, and I'm still trying to decide what the negative repercussions of doing so would be.

Comments

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

"e-people" = Ewoks?

hey suckah,

[redcosmic-earth.livejournal.com]

We need to hang out. You know, while you're still living and all that. : )

Re: hey suckah,

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I think about you all the time, seriously dude. I mean Alex is hanging out with my oldest kids while they film movies and it just seems silly sometimes. I don't even know your phone number anymore. So that means you have to call me. Haha.

[freedom123.livejournal.com]

I am in love with Peppermint Mocha Frappuccinos. I have to control myself because I am doing weight watchers and they are mucho points!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Points Shmoints!

I love peppermint mocha. I do mocha most of the year but peppermint when they're promoting it around winter. And coffee from the bottled ones, which are NOT the same, but still nice.

[ibejimom.livejournal.com]

I am looking forward to reading your published novels in the future. Have a wonderful weekend.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the vote of confidence :D

I think the first one will probably be about c-sections, non-fiction, and very specifically marketed...I have connections with people who publish that sort of thing, and a little bit of clout since I've been burned so badly, featured on that Discovery show "House of Babies" and labored with Nancy. I have a finished autobiographical thing that is hard to explain, that I may or may not go with after the c/s deal. But then I have a MILLION fiction ideas...short story collections for adults and children, novel ideas...it BURNS! I recently wrote a poem I'll be reading at a local open mic night. It just gets me, you know? Writing eats me alive.

[tikizeekbaby.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, supportive friends and family get subpoenaed all the time and asked about things that they never thought could conceivably get used against someone they care for. Big companies hire shark lawyers who frequently don't use any kind of moral compass when "defending" their clients. The sooner you speak to an attorney the better, it's surprising and sad to hear how they perceive things and what they'll advise you not to do - but better to protect yourself.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but how does that work - I mean is a judge really gonna say, "We have to get tikizeebaby in here NOW! I will not have altarflame rooking us for one red cent she doesn't deserve..."

I don't know, it just seems silly to me to even imagine LJ coming into play in a trial. But maybe people are right, I really know very little about the law/lawsuits.

[greatestislove.livejournal.com]

hey now, no happy thanksgiving posts when i am in a cranky mood. it makes me feel guilty for being cranky. ;)

and not getting updates on your situation is going to kiiiillllllllllllllll me.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I am having a horrible time with myself, if I ever feel less than thankful for ANYTHING, including poop on the carpet...between Elise being advanced across the board after her original prognosis and me being alive after this whole thing, I don't know how I can ever complain again...which is kind of troublesome and hard now and then, actually.

I may make a filter if I feel like I need to talk about it, and if I do you'll be on it.

[talonslady.livejournal.com]

Listen missy, Grant is right! You need to concentrate on getting better and being healthy. I'm sure it is hard for you not to help with somethings, not picking up the baby or Jakey. But you have to remember that you had major surgery and your body needs time to heal with out extra stress. No lifting!! Just enjoy this break while you can, soon enough life will be back to normal and you will have loads of stuff to do. Take it easy for now and enjoy! I love you!