altarflame | (no subject)

I have a lot of frustration. Every now and then the idea that we live with Grant Sr and that I can't keep this house clean and that I'm stuck in it reach a sort of fever pitch in my head. Months go by without me feeling that way; I'm not quite sure what triggers it.

Grant is not available for much affection, and hasn't been for weeks. He's just in too much constant discomfort. I have to mentally remove him from my list of options to not feel perpetually dissapointed, which should be ok, because this isn't his fault. But my coping mechanisms are at odds with each other, and it creates so much inner turmoil.

And, like little sharp edges on a mostly smooth finish, I hit these snags at intervals throughout the day wherein I am intensely tired of being pregnant. This particular pregnancy is not so much, or so long. But the cumulative effect of the past 7 years are something else.

I just have too much energy to be so tired. I am a bottomless pit that cannot even define "enough" sleep, or food, yet I am stir crazy, I am sedentary, I can feel myself gaining weight like some sort of psycho anorexic person. My opportunities for physical activity have never seemed so limited.

I know tomorrow will present a different perspective, and a new chance to make things into my own. So...I'm going to bed.

As long as I don't ever have another dream about Flavor Flav.