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Aug. 14th, 2012 04:57 pmWell, I have realized some hard truths today, about some really cowardly and manipulative ways I've been acting. I haven't been doing it consciously, exactly, but I have certainly not been doing a lot of self examining or making a big effort to consider the things coming out of my mouth. *sigh*
I am not proud of my tendency to regress to back pedaling, passive aggressive, overly controlling horseshit. Sometimes I am EXTREMELY over this multi-layered and indirect brain I have.
But I think - I hope...that I'm getting better, as I get older, and weed things out of myself one by one.
Let's just say my day involved some apologies via skype and I'm starting from scratch, in some regards.
I am extremely overwhelmed by Monday being the first day of school. Six days....SIX days, to:
-get Ananda's and Aaron's evaluation stuff together, their evaluations scheduled and paid for
-their homeschool forms submitted to the Florida Virtual School
-buy all of Isaac and Elise's uniforms
-and copious remaining school supplies
-have our homeschool year ready
-work out WHY the independent verification form I submitted MONTHS ago is STILL "received pending verification" holding up my financial aid, such that I cannot acquire my textbooks
-finish printing, filling out and mailing a fucking novel's worth of forms, for Greater Miami Youth Symphony, Thomas Armour Youth Ballet, this martial arts place for Jake....
Ugh. I also have to figure out the name of the really good pediatric gastroenterologist by Baptist, and find our new insurance cards that came in the mail and then disappeared (before Aaron goes to Infectious Disease to get tested for mono on Tuesday).
To say I am off my game is an understatement. My kitchen is actually eating the rest of the house.
I also have all these pending book review site interviews and pictures, to make happen, and my book is supposed to be out, like, in the next 24 hours, and on Saturday I'm supposed to be at the Bird Road Art Walk promoting it with a booth of authors.
I am a little confused. No. I am profoundly, massively confused, about Christianity and religion in general. One thing that is abundantly clear, is that I am a better person when I am a practicing Christian. I don't think practicing Christianity is the only way for me to consistently self examine, or strive to help and to love and to meditate and to find ritual and strength for daily tasks even when those things don't come naturally, or to study wise words often and seek out the sacred - but I haven't found an alternate discipline or methodology as things stand and so without it, I am thus far a less effective person all around.
I'm also radically less conflicted. It's a mixed bag.
I wouldn't really say I'm not Christian anymore, but I have lapsed and that goes deeper than laziness.
SO. It's just me and the kids until Friday, aside from some cool social calls - I went out with Laura for a little while yesterday evening, and then Gloria came over around midnight and we shared a wheel of baked brie and a bottle and a half of wine and talked and laughed and showed each other stupid shit on the internet and periodically cried until 5:30 in the morning, when she went home to feed her hungry cats.
Thursday, Kathy's coming over, for the stated purpose of picking my brain about cloth diapers and slings - but I have no doubt that will turn into a 7 hour conversation, and that I will love it.
We are seriously contemplating moving to Maryland. This is the fourth moving option we've had on the table with Grant's job. Ft. Lauderdale is an ongoing consideration that will probably happen in the next year or so if we stay in Florida. Fargo, ND and Atlanta, GA were both non-considerations because, no. But Maryland? We'd be close to D.C. WAY more walking and public transit. BEAUTIFUL area. LOTS of free stuff to do. And...through who knows what serendipity based on hospital position transfers and housemates...we would be moving to the same subsection of the same town as Kristin and her kids. This is good because they're awesome, but it's also good because Kristin has spent the last several months playing this area up to me, trying to convince me we should visit often, basically gushing about how badass living there is gonna be. So that's somewhat compelling. Grant is at the Maryland office right now.
I have "stuff to do," here in South Florida in the next few months, though. After the ArtWalk I'm supposed to have some kind of Books and Books event and my book has been submitted to the Miami Book Fair - which is AWESOME. I want to get it around to local libraries, too. I suppose it would be nice to do the equivalent sort of local promoting in a new state, as well :) But I also have one more semester at Miami Dade before I graduate in December. I kinda wanted my surgery done down here, as well...when I do research I tend to like the Miami galleries better than general ones from around the country, which may or may not have something to do with hispanic women's bodies/hispanic doctors' preferences...
That DC part of the country, near Dama's house, was my favorite out of the whole eastern seaboard on the way up and down the coast in 2007. It would be neat to have seasons for awhile, WITHOUT that unbearable, still-sleeting-daily-in-May New England business we were dealing with...
I am not proud of my tendency to regress to back pedaling, passive aggressive, overly controlling horseshit. Sometimes I am EXTREMELY over this multi-layered and indirect brain I have.
But I think - I hope...that I'm getting better, as I get older, and weed things out of myself one by one.
Let's just say my day involved some apologies via skype and I'm starting from scratch, in some regards.
I am extremely overwhelmed by Monday being the first day of school. Six days....SIX days, to:
-get Ananda's and Aaron's evaluation stuff together, their evaluations scheduled and paid for
-their homeschool forms submitted to the Florida Virtual School
-buy all of Isaac and Elise's uniforms
-and copious remaining school supplies
-have our homeschool year ready
-work out WHY the independent verification form I submitted MONTHS ago is STILL "received pending verification" holding up my financial aid, such that I cannot acquire my textbooks
-finish printing, filling out and mailing a fucking novel's worth of forms, for Greater Miami Youth Symphony, Thomas Armour Youth Ballet, this martial arts place for Jake....
Ugh. I also have to figure out the name of the really good pediatric gastroenterologist by Baptist, and find our new insurance cards that came in the mail and then disappeared (before Aaron goes to Infectious Disease to get tested for mono on Tuesday).
To say I am off my game is an understatement. My kitchen is actually eating the rest of the house.
I also have all these pending book review site interviews and pictures, to make happen, and my book is supposed to be out, like, in the next 24 hours, and on Saturday I'm supposed to be at the Bird Road Art Walk promoting it with a booth of authors.
I am a little confused. No. I am profoundly, massively confused, about Christianity and religion in general. One thing that is abundantly clear, is that I am a better person when I am a practicing Christian. I don't think practicing Christianity is the only way for me to consistently self examine, or strive to help and to love and to meditate and to find ritual and strength for daily tasks even when those things don't come naturally, or to study wise words often and seek out the sacred - but I haven't found an alternate discipline or methodology as things stand and so without it, I am thus far a less effective person all around.
I'm also radically less conflicted. It's a mixed bag.
I wouldn't really say I'm not Christian anymore, but I have lapsed and that goes deeper than laziness.
SO. It's just me and the kids until Friday, aside from some cool social calls - I went out with Laura for a little while yesterday evening, and then Gloria came over around midnight and we shared a wheel of baked brie and a bottle and a half of wine and talked and laughed and showed each other stupid shit on the internet and periodically cried until 5:30 in the morning, when she went home to feed her hungry cats.
Thursday, Kathy's coming over, for the stated purpose of picking my brain about cloth diapers and slings - but I have no doubt that will turn into a 7 hour conversation, and that I will love it.
We are seriously contemplating moving to Maryland. This is the fourth moving option we've had on the table with Grant's job. Ft. Lauderdale is an ongoing consideration that will probably happen in the next year or so if we stay in Florida. Fargo, ND and Atlanta, GA were both non-considerations because, no. But Maryland? We'd be close to D.C. WAY more walking and public transit. BEAUTIFUL area. LOTS of free stuff to do. And...through who knows what serendipity based on hospital position transfers and housemates...we would be moving to the same subsection of the same town as Kristin and her kids. This is good because they're awesome, but it's also good because Kristin has spent the last several months playing this area up to me, trying to convince me we should visit often, basically gushing about how badass living there is gonna be. So that's somewhat compelling. Grant is at the Maryland office right now.
I have "stuff to do," here in South Florida in the next few months, though. After the ArtWalk I'm supposed to have some kind of Books and Books event and my book has been submitted to the Miami Book Fair - which is AWESOME. I want to get it around to local libraries, too. I suppose it would be nice to do the equivalent sort of local promoting in a new state, as well :) But I also have one more semester at Miami Dade before I graduate in December. I kinda wanted my surgery done down here, as well...when I do research I tend to like the Miami galleries better than general ones from around the country, which may or may not have something to do with hispanic women's bodies/hispanic doctors' preferences...
That DC part of the country, near Dama's house, was my favorite out of the whole eastern seaboard on the way up and down the coast in 2007. It would be neat to have seasons for awhile, WITHOUT that unbearable, still-sleeting-daily-in-May New England business we were dealing with...
