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Something about the sounds AIM makes always makes me feel like I'm in 11th grade again.
This house is getting to me tonight. There's a lot of oppressive heaviness in the evenings lately. Breaking it down:
-Ananda is depressed. We've talked about it extensively, and I'm pretty sure it's an age/stage thing. At least, it's when I suggest that as a possibility that she goes from teary eyed to crying uncontrollably and when I make jokes about that, that she laughs through the tears and seems lighter. It's hard to tell with Annie; she doesn't talk (like actual diagnosed by therapist "selective mutism" doesn't talk). I can tell it helps her, a lot, when we have the "talks" where I do all the talking and don't demand anything of her...*sigh* The thing with Annie is I have to MAKE her do anything other than read books, listen to her iPod or go to Starbucks. Also certain schoolwork. I mean seriously, she will get visibly excited about like...a proposed outing with the family to one of a few select places she likes, or the new Harry Potter movie coming out in a few months. But I have to drag her out of bed. Force her off of me as she stands there crying to drop her off at Girl Scout Camp.
And she really likes Girl Scout Camp! She comes home with stories of specific friends and the games they played everyday. She likes the lunches we pack her and she's happy that the field trip this week is to see Beezus and Ramona, which she's read. She's greeted happily by name by adults and kids as soon as they see her.
But when the sign-in time actually comes, she freezes up and physically clings to me and cries until I realize that all the back rubbing and there there'ing in the world isn't ever going to be enough, and detach her arms, and tell her I'll pick her up later, feeling like the meanest meanie ever...then she kind of takes a deep breath and I sit outside the building praying for her and spying from the car as she goes with her group to their activities. And then later I pick her up and she's happy. And smug to Aaron about how she gets to go to camp and he doesn't, because he really wishes he did.
She moans and clicks her teeth and actually shuffles her feet around, when I say to do her VERY CONSISTENLY ENFORCED chores...every single day.
She spent 35 minutes tonight, wandering in depressed circles and muttering and frowning because when I told her to brush her teeth and get ready for bed, she said she was hungry. But she didn't like any of the (plentiful) options for a before-bed snack, all of which she's eaten just fine before.
Everything is just like this with her...so I spend half an hour in my bed alone with her, talking for us both, trying to leave long silent spaces for her to just be quiet...or maybe even talk to me. And then I read her a couple of chapters and finally she seems ok-ish and goes to bed.
We did establish that she's terrified of adulthood as some looming doom on the horizon, scared of her period coming, does not see the use in boobs, and really, really wishes she hadn't shaved off half of one of her eyebrows while I was in New York. I've tried to offer to help her fill it in with an eyeliner pencil but she just changes the subject immediately. I think this is a really impossibly hard phase for her, it's PAINFUL to see the awkwardness. And she has style! She has pizazz! The other girls at camp, and the friends who want her to come over from PATH, and the bookstore girls, they all LOVE her and act like she's so awesome with her two tone hair and her wild colors and her height and she's just like...so freaked out by how she doesn't want to want a social life outside of the house, but DOES want it. Yikes man!
I wonder how much dance has to do with this. A lack of dance. I don't have to force her to dance, it's something her and Aaron do outside of the house together and most of all, it's about 6 hours per week of real high energy excercise that she just doesn't get otherwise...
I do wonder at what point I can definitely say, "this is way beyond hormonal issues or transitional states, she has inherited some serious depression and might need some help".
-AARON is depressed, which is a brand new, cast-related thing. He does not know how to deal with not being able to flip and do hand stands and climb things all day long. It's driving him crazy. He doesn't know how to not take a bath when he's itchy (SID thing) or play in the rain when he sees it start (every day). He does a lot of pacing and a lot of flopping down with big loud sighs and he can't fall asleep at night because he isn't burning off the ten million calories he usually does in a day. Instead, he spends HOURS wandering back out to me saying, "I'm sad, Mom." and "Mom, I'm depressed" and "I just don't think I can deal with this." in an Eeyore voice.
The first night, I read him extra, hung out with him extra, sent him back to bed extra.
The second night I let him have top secret (fresh baked chocoloate chip) cookies and milk with Grant and I, and then research caterpillars with him.
But it's never enough. Both of those nights I still eventually had to say GO TO BED, NOW. DO NOT GET UP AGAIN NO MATTER HOW SAD YOU FEEL. Tonight I've said that like 6 times. I'm not used to having to like, force Aaron to deal with his misery and just get and give me some space.
At least Peter infallibly follows after him, purring and rubbing.
BIG HEAVING SIGH ABOUT MY ULTRA DRAMATIC AND GENUINELY COMPLEX PRE TEENS
It is a whole different world than little kids who cry for a reason you can figure out, and then fix. That cast is stuck, and I can't magically make Ananda short enough for the mall play area again.
( 18 random pictures, some everyday stuff, some from a particular afternoon )
So...my lj has over 4000 pageloads for the last recorded week. That's kind of insane. I don't usually keep track of these things, but Grant has a hit counter on it and he forwarded me his latest email about it because it was a new record. I get the suggestion on a somewhat regular basis to move it and put ads on it. I feel like it isn't a "real" blog, though - it isn't thematic and I don't update in a consistent/regular way. It's very much my online journal. My archive when I can't remember what we did for Mother's Day last year or when such and such happened or I want to review a year. Monetizing hobbies doesn't tend to work out for me (see: http://textile_junkie.livejournal.com ).
But I'm thinking about various things anyway. Like making it available for Kindles and Nooks since apparently a lot of people who read here have or want one of those, and that is an easy thing to do without changing anything (like the url). I found the way to do that by accident while browsing Kindle features and pricing with Ananda this morning over breakfast.
And...I don't know. Maybe it makes sense to put ads on it. I'm going to do this all the time whether it's making money or not, so why not make money? YOU TELL ME.
[Poll #1601068]
This house is getting to me tonight. There's a lot of oppressive heaviness in the evenings lately. Breaking it down:
-Ananda is depressed. We've talked about it extensively, and I'm pretty sure it's an age/stage thing. At least, it's when I suggest that as a possibility that she goes from teary eyed to crying uncontrollably and when I make jokes about that, that she laughs through the tears and seems lighter. It's hard to tell with Annie; she doesn't talk (like actual diagnosed by therapist "selective mutism" doesn't talk). I can tell it helps her, a lot, when we have the "talks" where I do all the talking and don't demand anything of her...*sigh* The thing with Annie is I have to MAKE her do anything other than read books, listen to her iPod or go to Starbucks. Also certain schoolwork. I mean seriously, she will get visibly excited about like...a proposed outing with the family to one of a few select places she likes, or the new Harry Potter movie coming out in a few months. But I have to drag her out of bed. Force her off of me as she stands there crying to drop her off at Girl Scout Camp.
And she really likes Girl Scout Camp! She comes home with stories of specific friends and the games they played everyday. She likes the lunches we pack her and she's happy that the field trip this week is to see Beezus and Ramona, which she's read. She's greeted happily by name by adults and kids as soon as they see her.
But when the sign-in time actually comes, she freezes up and physically clings to me and cries until I realize that all the back rubbing and there there'ing in the world isn't ever going to be enough, and detach her arms, and tell her I'll pick her up later, feeling like the meanest meanie ever...then she kind of takes a deep breath and I sit outside the building praying for her and spying from the car as she goes with her group to their activities. And then later I pick her up and she's happy. And smug to Aaron about how she gets to go to camp and he doesn't, because he really wishes he did.
She moans and clicks her teeth and actually shuffles her feet around, when I say to do her VERY CONSISTENLY ENFORCED chores...every single day.
She spent 35 minutes tonight, wandering in depressed circles and muttering and frowning because when I told her to brush her teeth and get ready for bed, she said she was hungry. But she didn't like any of the (plentiful) options for a before-bed snack, all of which she's eaten just fine before.
Everything is just like this with her...so I spend half an hour in my bed alone with her, talking for us both, trying to leave long silent spaces for her to just be quiet...or maybe even talk to me. And then I read her a couple of chapters and finally she seems ok-ish and goes to bed.
We did establish that she's terrified of adulthood as some looming doom on the horizon, scared of her period coming, does not see the use in boobs, and really, really wishes she hadn't shaved off half of one of her eyebrows while I was in New York. I've tried to offer to help her fill it in with an eyeliner pencil but she just changes the subject immediately. I think this is a really impossibly hard phase for her, it's PAINFUL to see the awkwardness. And she has style! She has pizazz! The other girls at camp, and the friends who want her to come over from PATH, and the bookstore girls, they all LOVE her and act like she's so awesome with her two tone hair and her wild colors and her height and she's just like...so freaked out by how she doesn't want to want a social life outside of the house, but DOES want it. Yikes man!
I wonder how much dance has to do with this. A lack of dance. I don't have to force her to dance, it's something her and Aaron do outside of the house together and most of all, it's about 6 hours per week of real high energy excercise that she just doesn't get otherwise...
I do wonder at what point I can definitely say, "this is way beyond hormonal issues or transitional states, she has inherited some serious depression and might need some help".
-AARON is depressed, which is a brand new, cast-related thing. He does not know how to deal with not being able to flip and do hand stands and climb things all day long. It's driving him crazy. He doesn't know how to not take a bath when he's itchy (SID thing) or play in the rain when he sees it start (every day). He does a lot of pacing and a lot of flopping down with big loud sighs and he can't fall asleep at night because he isn't burning off the ten million calories he usually does in a day. Instead, he spends HOURS wandering back out to me saying, "I'm sad, Mom." and "Mom, I'm depressed" and "I just don't think I can deal with this." in an Eeyore voice.
The first night, I read him extra, hung out with him extra, sent him back to bed extra.
The second night I let him have top secret (fresh baked chocoloate chip) cookies and milk with Grant and I, and then research caterpillars with him.
But it's never enough. Both of those nights I still eventually had to say GO TO BED, NOW. DO NOT GET UP AGAIN NO MATTER HOW SAD YOU FEEL. Tonight I've said that like 6 times. I'm not used to having to like, force Aaron to deal with his misery and just get and give me some space.
At least Peter infallibly follows after him, purring and rubbing.
BIG HEAVING SIGH ABOUT MY ULTRA DRAMATIC AND GENUINELY COMPLEX PRE TEENS
It is a whole different world than little kids who cry for a reason you can figure out, and then fix. That cast is stuck, and I can't magically make Ananda short enough for the mall play area again.
( 18 random pictures, some everyday stuff, some from a particular afternoon )
So...my lj has over 4000 pageloads for the last recorded week. That's kind of insane. I don't usually keep track of these things, but Grant has a hit counter on it and he forwarded me his latest email about it because it was a new record. I get the suggestion on a somewhat regular basis to move it and put ads on it. I feel like it isn't a "real" blog, though - it isn't thematic and I don't update in a consistent/regular way. It's very much my online journal. My archive when I can't remember what we did for Mother's Day last year or when such and such happened or I want to review a year. Monetizing hobbies doesn't tend to work out for me (see: http://textile_junkie.livejournal.com ).
But I'm thinking about various things anyway. Like making it available for Kindles and Nooks since apparently a lot of people who read here have or want one of those, and that is an easy thing to do without changing anything (like the url). I found the way to do that by accident while browsing Kindle features and pricing with Ananda this morning over breakfast.
And...I don't know. Maybe it makes sense to put ads on it. I'm going to do this all the time whether it's making money or not, so why not make money? YOU TELL ME.
[Poll #1601068]
