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Oct. 25th, 2009 11:43 pmFirst of all, comments - to everyone who talked about priestly celibacy, thanks for your links/input. My Dad wasn't researched at all, he was theorizing, and as he is somewhat infamous for wild conspiracy theories of all sorts I assumed this was more of the same.
And everyone, thank you so much for the birthday wishes ♥
My head is all over the place lately.
There is a constant, low-grade strain added to everything that is just me not eating as a coping mechanism, or for emotional reasons at all, anymore. It's offset by happiness as I weigh myself every morning (22 pounds lost so far...) but added to by the anxiety that is beginning to creep in, about my surgery to come. Every day I'm kind of astounded by how much of my mental and emotional energy goes into willpower, constant reliance on and communication with God, figuring out/preparing what I am going to eat (because it's rarely what everyone else is eating), pushing terrible thoughts about dying on the operating table away so I can sleep at night...all that. I can waste hours and hours bs'ing and still feel as though I am worn out at the end of it. Which is ridiculous.
Physically, I have a lot more energy. A lot less hernia pain. A bit more confidence. New sorts of back pain pretty much every day, too, as my abdomen continues to morph into something new on the daily.
I've been feeling pulled thinner and thinner this past week, by my regular responsibilities, because in addition to Grant being pretty much never here, the kids have been sick. Isaac's croup became Elise's flu-like-whatever it is which has now debilitated Jake. Just as Elise got sick, she got stung on the bottom of her foot by a bee or wasp, right in the arch. It's been swollen and painful and she's been refusing to walk except *sometimes* on her toes, ever since. Other times she just sits calling to be picked up or, most pitifully, walks on her knees :/ I think a stinger may have been left behind, but if so it's down very deep, and from what I've read it will work itself out or be absorbed soon if that is the case. The hysteria when G or I even try to look at it is intense so I am sure as hell not trying to dig or squeeze anything out anytime soon. It was a humidifier refilling, Vicks rubbing, tea distributing, scarcely sleeping sort of week...
I woke up on my birthday at 7:20 to Elise frantic in bed that she had to poop. I rushed her to the toilet. I am not supposed to lift her, but, wtf am I supposed to do when she is not just ill but has a foot out of commission, too? It was great to see the surprise decorations everywhere, and the cards, and the flowers. It buoyed me up in a big way while she was screaming, crying, or fussing, alternately, in my arms and in my lap, for about 2 solid hours as I tried to nurse her, get her drinks, bounce, sing to, etc her. I kept picturing Grant hurrying to blow up balloons and cut stems of roses and tape streamers, as we all slept. Eventually Elise settled in next to Ananda in a zombie-trance to watch tv. The boys were all still sleeping and I set the cordless phone by Annie, grabbed my cell, set the house alarm, and bolted to the grocery store 5 blocks away for supplies for the day. Got back, somewhat frantically, to just what I had left, and saw all the facebook and lj birthday wishes. Grant had also emailed me from work. I smiled. Isaac woke up then, hysterical from the just-waking-up intensity of fading croup, and by the time I had him calmed down Elise was a wreck again. I basically spent the entire day either carrying her or trapped under her as she nursed or slept, aside from a soup-making stint I handed her off to Annie for. There were probably 2 total hours of her, greasy and reeking of Vicks, sweating against me, too snotty-nosed to nurse properly and just licking the nipple for comfort. Throughout the day and night I read The Lovely Bones in it's bizarre entirety, and developed a major neck/shoulder/backache.
My Dad called, and sounded like he isn't going to make it for Thanksgiving with us, which shouldn't surprise me anymore but what can I say, I really wish he would come. My mom is having a really hard time with my Nana. Between talking to them both Laura told me she didn't think she would be able to babysit the following day when Grant was home if kids were sick, which makes perfect sense but was still devastating in the moment to hear. I was REALLY looking forward to that. Dinner was this insane battle of wills wherein I had made a big pot of kale and bean soup and Ananda, Aaron, Jake and Elise were tearing up seconds but Isaac refused to even try it. I really just wanted him to TRY it, and was trying to tell him Elise was sick, it was my birthday and I was not cooking a second dinner without him even tasting option #1. I also reminded him that they are all always allowed to grab an apple, a banana, or a yogurt if they are hungry, without even asking. Well. He cried and whimpered and whined about how starving he was, while ignoring all that, until I told him to go to his bedroom unless he could quit it, and then he howled and yelled as loudly as he could from his bedroom, until he thought enough time had passed to come out and start over with the whimpering. This happened, what, 3 or 4 times? An hour of crying at least about trying some soup, all while I try to tend to Elise and wonder where the hell my husband is and wish his office building would dissapear into a sinkhole sometime while nobody is there, leaving us to collect some sort of worker's compensation while they struggle to rebuild. 9 pm came and went without Grant home. Then I started my period and a little bit of my bitter hopelessness started to fall into place as hormonal...I get wicked PMS for the last few years. That was yesterday.
Today started out sucky because: Elise was too sick/handicapped to go to Mass, and everyone else was too slow and disorganized and (*$&%)(*#)@* for me to just take some people and make it on time; Grant woke with a headache and a desire for a nap, on the ONE day off he gets this week; I discovered the cats are making a habit of peeing in the clean laundry, which is completely NOT acceptable; I just generally felt very overwhelmed and shitty about the horrifically messy house, my cramping uterus, my birthday plans gone awry, and it all led me into pointless and ungrateful "Where is the meaning in my life?" territory.
Then Grant told my sister how badly I need a break, and she said she would come and he and I could go, and Elise started acting normal. I bribed Annie so she would be responsible for her to the best of her ability while we were gone (Elise adores her; my sister is heavily pregnant, has a cold and brought her own nearly 3 year old son over). We all worked together to get the house so much cleaner it's incredible, in record time, and with a pact that the laundry room door stays closed so the cats can't get in. By the time Laura got here with Brian the floors were cleared and swept/vaccumed, all laundry was put away, the surfaces all made sense, there were scented candles burning and I felt like I was walking on air in a flattering outfit with my hair doing something cool.
I almost feel guilty about how good it felt to drive AWAY from the house today without any kids in the vehicle. Almost. First stop - buying some Aleve.
And then we went to Samurai, which is basically just Benihana, and then Barnes and Noble where I got the 2010 Writer's Market, and we browsed through Michael's where we found Ananda this awesome little $4 owl she has hanging in the middle of her room now. It didn't matter what we did, really, it was just Grant's so incredibly warm hand in mine, or on my back, or stroking my arm, and soft little kisses and talking and laughing and sharing and being together, I mean geez. I felt so light and airy just getting out of the Prius with him at a gas station without anyone in the car to worry about leaving unattended.
It's occuring to me that his drastically increased work schedule has been something of an adjustment. <- sarcasm
So yeah. That was all awesome. Then we got back and Jake was sick - crazily upset about being sick, my sister had a hard time with him for the whole last hour and Jake is normally the easiest one by far. Apparently they spent about 3 hours drawing pictures and playing outside, and then for the last hour he just suddenly got sick and wasn't having anything after that. We walked in to find him inconsolable, which made me feel so weirdly helpless because, for one, Jake is just barely newly weaned as of his birthday, and normally that is how I care for sick little ones, and 2, I sure as HELL can't pick HIM up at all without major pain and risk...he's like 45 pounds now. Grant put him on in the kozy carrier and paced with him and got him drinks and sat with him and got him to sleep until he woke up crying again, etc. While I nursed Elise over and over and got her to sleep until she woke up again crying. Blah. Right now he's asleep in the tv room with them both, under blankets, with Loony Tunes streaming endlessly on the tv. I made the bigger 3 brush their teeth and turn off their lights and turn on their fans and put away their rabbits, but am not even attempting to keep them from giggling or making lite brite pictures.
I actually think the kind of sneaky late night fun that happens when kids are supposed to be getting to sleep is really valuable bonding. *shrug*
So. I am trying to get some perspective back. About how my husband is so awesome that he works hard to support us so I can stay home and homeschool and we can have this great house. And how he's so awesome that he sneakily buys me decorations and flowers and records his own voice on a card and sets everything up as I sleep, before dawn. And how my prayers have been answered and I've found an eating plan that actually works for me and the ability to stick with it. I've got a real structured writing schedule, great leads and connections, material I believe in, and now I have the Writer's Market as a kickass resource, too. I mean what the hell, I weigh 22 pounds less than I did a month ago, how can I bitch about anything?
One thing that has been bothering me is, BECAUSE Grant and I click so well and understand each other so deeply, and have historically been together so much, I haven't really invested much in other relationships. I feel REALLY lonely and isolated sometimes, now that he's never available. I have...uh...probably 3 real FRIEND friends who I've had deep conversations and laughter with and have been to their house more than once, as well as at least 5 other more general "friends" who I see semi-regularly at meetings and events and can have a decent conversation with. But I don't have any friends who I feel like I can call on the phone out of nowhere and dump on. I have Grant for that, and Laura. But with them increasingly off limits (Laura has transportation issues and a life that revolves around her own husband's crazy work schedule) I'm really feeling how nice it would be to get to a point of just-showing-up-without-calling-first with some other people. Or at least a spontaneously-calling-to-make-plans-for-today point. My closest, best friends are long distance - either high school friends who don't live in Homestead anymore who I only see once a year or internet people who've deepened into mattering beyond the internet. I write a lot of postcards and things lately.
Speaking of internet people who've come to matter beyond the internet, DAMA will be here next Saturday...it seems surreal that it's so close, whenever I think that they are already in Florida (at Disney) I almost can't believe it. My kids get bug-eyed and grinning whenever we tell them how soon it is now :D
My To-Do List for Tomorrow
-up at a decent time, use the Wii fit
-get everyone dressed, do hair
-prayer/devotional time
-breakfast
-enforce chores
-make a list for Halloween costume supplies
-call exterminator
-set a date for potluck we're hosting; email Michelle
-persue Kristin
-do Right Start Math with A and A
-abeka with Isaac
-read to everyone in the afternoon if possible
-work on expectations/guidelines for Bob; email whatever I have to Grant to see what he thinks
-get A and A to dance classes on time (4:45)
-shop for halloween stuff with little 3
-Whole Foods while we're out
-get Tide before we come home
-and hay
-try to have dinner at a decent time, once we're back
-everyone work together to clean up - including starting more laundry
-bed for them by 9:30ish
-hang up clean stuff in my room
-try to write from 10-2am.
And everyone, thank you so much for the birthday wishes ♥
My head is all over the place lately.
There is a constant, low-grade strain added to everything that is just me not eating as a coping mechanism, or for emotional reasons at all, anymore. It's offset by happiness as I weigh myself every morning (22 pounds lost so far...) but added to by the anxiety that is beginning to creep in, about my surgery to come. Every day I'm kind of astounded by how much of my mental and emotional energy goes into willpower, constant reliance on and communication with God, figuring out/preparing what I am going to eat (because it's rarely what everyone else is eating), pushing terrible thoughts about dying on the operating table away so I can sleep at night...all that. I can waste hours and hours bs'ing and still feel as though I am worn out at the end of it. Which is ridiculous.
Physically, I have a lot more energy. A lot less hernia pain. A bit more confidence. New sorts of back pain pretty much every day, too, as my abdomen continues to morph into something new on the daily.
I've been feeling pulled thinner and thinner this past week, by my regular responsibilities, because in addition to Grant being pretty much never here, the kids have been sick. Isaac's croup became Elise's flu-like-whatever it is which has now debilitated Jake. Just as Elise got sick, she got stung on the bottom of her foot by a bee or wasp, right in the arch. It's been swollen and painful and she's been refusing to walk except *sometimes* on her toes, ever since. Other times she just sits calling to be picked up or, most pitifully, walks on her knees :/ I think a stinger may have been left behind, but if so it's down very deep, and from what I've read it will work itself out or be absorbed soon if that is the case. The hysteria when G or I even try to look at it is intense so I am sure as hell not trying to dig or squeeze anything out anytime soon. It was a humidifier refilling, Vicks rubbing, tea distributing, scarcely sleeping sort of week...
I woke up on my birthday at 7:20 to Elise frantic in bed that she had to poop. I rushed her to the toilet. I am not supposed to lift her, but, wtf am I supposed to do when she is not just ill but has a foot out of commission, too? It was great to see the surprise decorations everywhere, and the cards, and the flowers. It buoyed me up in a big way while she was screaming, crying, or fussing, alternately, in my arms and in my lap, for about 2 solid hours as I tried to nurse her, get her drinks, bounce, sing to, etc her. I kept picturing Grant hurrying to blow up balloons and cut stems of roses and tape streamers, as we all slept. Eventually Elise settled in next to Ananda in a zombie-trance to watch tv. The boys were all still sleeping and I set the cordless phone by Annie, grabbed my cell, set the house alarm, and bolted to the grocery store 5 blocks away for supplies for the day. Got back, somewhat frantically, to just what I had left, and saw all the facebook and lj birthday wishes. Grant had also emailed me from work. I smiled. Isaac woke up then, hysterical from the just-waking-up intensity of fading croup, and by the time I had him calmed down Elise was a wreck again. I basically spent the entire day either carrying her or trapped under her as she nursed or slept, aside from a soup-making stint I handed her off to Annie for. There were probably 2 total hours of her, greasy and reeking of Vicks, sweating against me, too snotty-nosed to nurse properly and just licking the nipple for comfort. Throughout the day and night I read The Lovely Bones in it's bizarre entirety, and developed a major neck/shoulder/backache.
My Dad called, and sounded like he isn't going to make it for Thanksgiving with us, which shouldn't surprise me anymore but what can I say, I really wish he would come. My mom is having a really hard time with my Nana. Between talking to them both Laura told me she didn't think she would be able to babysit the following day when Grant was home if kids were sick, which makes perfect sense but was still devastating in the moment to hear. I was REALLY looking forward to that. Dinner was this insane battle of wills wherein I had made a big pot of kale and bean soup and Ananda, Aaron, Jake and Elise were tearing up seconds but Isaac refused to even try it. I really just wanted him to TRY it, and was trying to tell him Elise was sick, it was my birthday and I was not cooking a second dinner without him even tasting option #1. I also reminded him that they are all always allowed to grab an apple, a banana, or a yogurt if they are hungry, without even asking. Well. He cried and whimpered and whined about how starving he was, while ignoring all that, until I told him to go to his bedroom unless he could quit it, and then he howled and yelled as loudly as he could from his bedroom, until he thought enough time had passed to come out and start over with the whimpering. This happened, what, 3 or 4 times? An hour of crying at least about trying some soup, all while I try to tend to Elise and wonder where the hell my husband is and wish his office building would dissapear into a sinkhole sometime while nobody is there, leaving us to collect some sort of worker's compensation while they struggle to rebuild. 9 pm came and went without Grant home. Then I started my period and a little bit of my bitter hopelessness started to fall into place as hormonal...I get wicked PMS for the last few years. That was yesterday.
Today started out sucky because: Elise was too sick/handicapped to go to Mass, and everyone else was too slow and disorganized and (*$&%)(*#)@* for me to just take some people and make it on time; Grant woke with a headache and a desire for a nap, on the ONE day off he gets this week; I discovered the cats are making a habit of peeing in the clean laundry, which is completely NOT acceptable; I just generally felt very overwhelmed and shitty about the horrifically messy house, my cramping uterus, my birthday plans gone awry, and it all led me into pointless and ungrateful "Where is the meaning in my life?" territory.
Then Grant told my sister how badly I need a break, and she said she would come and he and I could go, and Elise started acting normal. I bribed Annie so she would be responsible for her to the best of her ability while we were gone (Elise adores her; my sister is heavily pregnant, has a cold and brought her own nearly 3 year old son over). We all worked together to get the house so much cleaner it's incredible, in record time, and with a pact that the laundry room door stays closed so the cats can't get in. By the time Laura got here with Brian the floors were cleared and swept/vaccumed, all laundry was put away, the surfaces all made sense, there were scented candles burning and I felt like I was walking on air in a flattering outfit with my hair doing something cool.
I almost feel guilty about how good it felt to drive AWAY from the house today without any kids in the vehicle. Almost. First stop - buying some Aleve.
And then we went to Samurai, which is basically just Benihana, and then Barnes and Noble where I got the 2010 Writer's Market, and we browsed through Michael's where we found Ananda this awesome little $4 owl she has hanging in the middle of her room now. It didn't matter what we did, really, it was just Grant's so incredibly warm hand in mine, or on my back, or stroking my arm, and soft little kisses and talking and laughing and sharing and being together, I mean geez. I felt so light and airy just getting out of the Prius with him at a gas station without anyone in the car to worry about leaving unattended.
It's occuring to me that his drastically increased work schedule has been something of an adjustment. <- sarcasm
So yeah. That was all awesome. Then we got back and Jake was sick - crazily upset about being sick, my sister had a hard time with him for the whole last hour and Jake is normally the easiest one by far. Apparently they spent about 3 hours drawing pictures and playing outside, and then for the last hour he just suddenly got sick and wasn't having anything after that. We walked in to find him inconsolable, which made me feel so weirdly helpless because, for one, Jake is just barely newly weaned as of his birthday, and normally that is how I care for sick little ones, and 2, I sure as HELL can't pick HIM up at all without major pain and risk...he's like 45 pounds now. Grant put him on in the kozy carrier and paced with him and got him drinks and sat with him and got him to sleep until he woke up crying again, etc. While I nursed Elise over and over and got her to sleep until she woke up again crying. Blah. Right now he's asleep in the tv room with them both, under blankets, with Loony Tunes streaming endlessly on the tv. I made the bigger 3 brush their teeth and turn off their lights and turn on their fans and put away their rabbits, but am not even attempting to keep them from giggling or making lite brite pictures.
I actually think the kind of sneaky late night fun that happens when kids are supposed to be getting to sleep is really valuable bonding. *shrug*
So. I am trying to get some perspective back. About how my husband is so awesome that he works hard to support us so I can stay home and homeschool and we can have this great house. And how he's so awesome that he sneakily buys me decorations and flowers and records his own voice on a card and sets everything up as I sleep, before dawn. And how my prayers have been answered and I've found an eating plan that actually works for me and the ability to stick with it. I've got a real structured writing schedule, great leads and connections, material I believe in, and now I have the Writer's Market as a kickass resource, too. I mean what the hell, I weigh 22 pounds less than I did a month ago, how can I bitch about anything?
One thing that has been bothering me is, BECAUSE Grant and I click so well and understand each other so deeply, and have historically been together so much, I haven't really invested much in other relationships. I feel REALLY lonely and isolated sometimes, now that he's never available. I have...uh...probably 3 real FRIEND friends who I've had deep conversations and laughter with and have been to their house more than once, as well as at least 5 other more general "friends" who I see semi-regularly at meetings and events and can have a decent conversation with. But I don't have any friends who I feel like I can call on the phone out of nowhere and dump on. I have Grant for that, and Laura. But with them increasingly off limits (Laura has transportation issues and a life that revolves around her own husband's crazy work schedule) I'm really feeling how nice it would be to get to a point of just-showing-up-without-calling-first with some other people. Or at least a spontaneously-calling-to-make-plans-for-today point. My closest, best friends are long distance - either high school friends who don't live in Homestead anymore who I only see once a year or internet people who've deepened into mattering beyond the internet. I write a lot of postcards and things lately.
Speaking of internet people who've come to matter beyond the internet, DAMA will be here next Saturday...it seems surreal that it's so close, whenever I think that they are already in Florida (at Disney) I almost can't believe it. My kids get bug-eyed and grinning whenever we tell them how soon it is now :D
My To-Do List for Tomorrow
-
-get everyone dressed, do hair
-prayer/devotional time
-breakfast
-enforce chores
-make a list for Halloween costume supplies
-call exterminator
-set a date for potluck we're hosting; email Michelle
-persue Kristin
-do Right Start Math with A and A
-abeka with Isaac
-read to everyone in the afternoon if possible
-work on expectations/guidelines for Bob; email whatever I have to Grant to see what he thinks
-get A and A to dance classes on time (4:45)
-shop for halloween stuff with little 3
-Whole Foods while we're out
-get Tide before we come home
-and hay
-try to have dinner at a decent time, once we're back
-everyone work together to clean up - including starting more laundry
-bed for them by 9:30ish
-hang up clean stuff in my room
-try to write from 10-2am.
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