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Or, Deep Discussions Day.
-Woke up, Jake was sprawled out naked, asleep, with a crazily giant toddler erection making me kind of wince, which sparked Ananda and Aaron's laughter and then curiosity. Ended up launching a 30 minute long thing on everything from basic anatomy to how Aaron needs to understand that he won't really have many rights if a girl he's with gets pregnant or much of a say once the baby is born, if there isn't a lot of prior understanding between the two of them before conception... Much emphasis on how much I want them to always be able to talk to me about anything, made real and fun by my some of the ridiculous things I "learned", and didn't, from talking to other kids because I felt uncomfortable asking my parents questions. I actually came out of this feeling really good, and I think they did too.
-G (nanny) arrived, said she'd gotten up this morning, turned on the tv, and seen us on House of Babies. She was going to go into the now defunct midwifery school at Miami Dade College so now she's wondering about doing training at the maternity center (where I went, where the show was filmed, yada yada), which is really the only other local option. So that turned into a big talk about all the good stuff I owe Shari for, and all the things I bitterly resent her for, and the awesome thing she's doing in this community for first time moms who would be left to hospitals with 60% cesarean rates otherwise, vs how she sees any mom who HAS been tainted by an OB as damaged goods that put her center at risk, but of course she has to if she's going to keep it open for the first timers...yeah, geez. I left conflicted and angry, which is usually how I feel when I recall a particularly inflammatory conversation I had with Shari by phone while in the hospital last Fall. I think I came to represent a lot of things that are beyond her control, at some point, because otherwise I really don't understand the open hostility where there was warmth before. * big sigh*
-Then it was time for Ananda's therapy appointment. Last night Ananda woke me up at 3 am because she was so sad she couldn't sleep. No nightmares, no "kid fears", just crushing misery. I brought her into bed with me, cuddled with her, stroked her hair, tried talking with her even though she clams up to the point of no return when upset about anything, tried just saying she didn't need to talk. I woke up every 15-30 minutes with her glassy eyed and tense, most of the night. It was heartbreaking. Frustrating. Confusing. She does this sort of thing a lot while awake, particularly first thing in the morning and at bedtime but also at other points. Anyway...therapy was awesome. AWESOME. She cried, I cried, we hugged through half of it, I understand things I didn't understand before, she feels ok about things she wasn't even aware of being freaked out by before. She left SKIPPING and laughing, we went to have lunch with Daddy afterward and he was like, wow. Look at her. And we both realized how unhappy she's been for so long :/ She's asking for more appointments, which I'm happy to accomadate. Especially with G in the picture helping...
The gist with her is, she woke up on two different mornings last year to be surprised that we were gone. Missing. Didn't come back for days, and major bad stuff happening - her baby sister in the hospital, me in the hospital, seeing us both full of tubes and basically - she is overwhelmed by that feeling when she has to go to bed, or try to sleep in bed, or try to get up in the morning.
Knowing is half the battle?
-Got home, learned that Aaron and G had finally had the "G is not a Christian" talk. She's very respectful and I think it basically went fine. She is not the only person in our lives who isn't Christian, though she is the one with the most face time with the kids at this point. She explained being Pagan in a way made Aaron say, "But we believe all of that, too" (that we have to take care of the Earth, that our bodies are temples, observing seasons, respecting all life, seeing God in everything). I'm sure this will be an ongoing conversation and I'm not going to try to pretend it's all simplicity and ease in my own mind because, well...it isn't. But it works.
-And then G and I talked for the first time about A and A having a different biological father, and how that went down. Boy howdy.
She was hugging me hard when she left.
I recapped all this to my sister, at her new house, while Jake, Brian and Elise played and my bigger three were at AWANA. It was good to be there. Her place is like Healthy Food Paradise, I picked at delicious pinto beans full of onions and broth while she heated up some butternut squash with almonds and mushroom bisque for me. I also sampled Brian's veggie pasta with olives and lemon juice. Yum yum yum. I was telling her I need to move in there, if I really want to be heart healthy. It's a bit too challenging for me lately to go as whole foods as I want to be, myself.
I figured out today that my previously independant and capable baby has turned into a high needs cling monster ever since my mother arrived for what should have been obvious reasons. Basically every time she sees my mom, she shrieks and runs and clings to me desperately. It's insane. If my mom so much as says hi or walks into the room Elise is a wreck. And she is not just anti-social; she lets our counter and drywall guy hold her when he's here working on things around the house, with a smile. She flirts with everyone at the grocery store. So it finally clicked into place for me...the only time Elise has ever been around my mother was when my mother moved into our house for 2.5 weeks because I was in the hospital. So this really scary freaky time when I had either completely vanished or was back but unwilling (unable) to lift her or nurse her at all has apparently left it's mark on her too. And...of course it has. I'm 26 and I'm in therapy myself, right? Still and all it continues to amaze me, how we are still living 2007's trauma day in and day out. I would like so much to just...be done with it all.
I got a cold a few weeks ago and Grant almost had a nervous breakdown when he attemped to go into SuperDaddy mode and let me rest in the bedroom alone.
I had a headache a little while after that and Annie ended up curled up in a fetal position wimpering after I'd spent a few minutes laying down with a rag on my head and Grant asking her to please leave me alone because I don't feel good.
*biggest sigh in the world*
So. I'm happy to be honest, to be getting things out in the open with my children. It's good to understand why Elise is reacting the way she is as it helps me be more patient and stops it from being nonsensical chaos. I wonder more and more if I will come to rue the day I said the settlement amount was enough. *shrug* Neither here nor there I suppose.
I have such a massive to-do list for tomorrow, but with the sort of taks that are on it I think I can mostly accomplish it all if I just keep at it.
-Call Dama about various things re:trip
-Call Alamo about van reservation for trip
-Call Lowe's installation to get floor dates moved up OR ELSE
-finish clearing out the office
-get it painter's taped
-get the first coat of kilz on
-my own therapy appt
-lunch with G
-RightStart Math with A and A
-soccer practice for A and A
-dinner?
The thing is I can ask my brother to do some kilz'ing and/or taping, and/or he and my mother can help me with the kids while I do it. G is here from 10-3 so I can do therapy and lunch and phone calls during that time...I'd like to do the math during that time but don't know if it will work out or not. My mother's been doing a lot of sweeping and dishes and counter clearing, and it's incredible how much time it's freed up for me - I really spend an obscene amount of time on those tasks, normally.
-Woke up, Jake was sprawled out naked, asleep, with a crazily giant toddler erection making me kind of wince, which sparked Ananda and Aaron's laughter and then curiosity. Ended up launching a 30 minute long thing on everything from basic anatomy to how Aaron needs to understand that he won't really have many rights if a girl he's with gets pregnant or much of a say once the baby is born, if there isn't a lot of prior understanding between the two of them before conception... Much emphasis on how much I want them to always be able to talk to me about anything, made real and fun by my some of the ridiculous things I "learned", and didn't, from talking to other kids because I felt uncomfortable asking my parents questions. I actually came out of this feeling really good, and I think they did too.
-G (nanny) arrived, said she'd gotten up this morning, turned on the tv, and seen us on House of Babies. She was going to go into the now defunct midwifery school at Miami Dade College so now she's wondering about doing training at the maternity center (where I went, where the show was filmed, yada yada), which is really the only other local option. So that turned into a big talk about all the good stuff I owe Shari for, and all the things I bitterly resent her for, and the awesome thing she's doing in this community for first time moms who would be left to hospitals with 60% cesarean rates otherwise, vs how she sees any mom who HAS been tainted by an OB as damaged goods that put her center at risk, but of course she has to if she's going to keep it open for the first timers...yeah, geez. I left conflicted and angry, which is usually how I feel when I recall a particularly inflammatory conversation I had with Shari by phone while in the hospital last Fall. I think I came to represent a lot of things that are beyond her control, at some point, because otherwise I really don't understand the open hostility where there was warmth before. * big sigh*
-Then it was time for Ananda's therapy appointment. Last night Ananda woke me up at 3 am because she was so sad she couldn't sleep. No nightmares, no "kid fears", just crushing misery. I brought her into bed with me, cuddled with her, stroked her hair, tried talking with her even though she clams up to the point of no return when upset about anything, tried just saying she didn't need to talk. I woke up every 15-30 minutes with her glassy eyed and tense, most of the night. It was heartbreaking. Frustrating. Confusing. She does this sort of thing a lot while awake, particularly first thing in the morning and at bedtime but also at other points. Anyway...therapy was awesome. AWESOME. She cried, I cried, we hugged through half of it, I understand things I didn't understand before, she feels ok about things she wasn't even aware of being freaked out by before. She left SKIPPING and laughing, we went to have lunch with Daddy afterward and he was like, wow. Look at her. And we both realized how unhappy she's been for so long :/ She's asking for more appointments, which I'm happy to accomadate. Especially with G in the picture helping...
The gist with her is, she woke up on two different mornings last year to be surprised that we were gone. Missing. Didn't come back for days, and major bad stuff happening - her baby sister in the hospital, me in the hospital, seeing us both full of tubes and basically - she is overwhelmed by that feeling when she has to go to bed, or try to sleep in bed, or try to get up in the morning.
Knowing is half the battle?
-Got home, learned that Aaron and G had finally had the "G is not a Christian" talk. She's very respectful and I think it basically went fine. She is not the only person in our lives who isn't Christian, though she is the one with the most face time with the kids at this point. She explained being Pagan in a way made Aaron say, "But we believe all of that, too" (that we have to take care of the Earth, that our bodies are temples, observing seasons, respecting all life, seeing God in everything). I'm sure this will be an ongoing conversation and I'm not going to try to pretend it's all simplicity and ease in my own mind because, well...it isn't. But it works.
-And then G and I talked for the first time about A and A having a different biological father, and how that went down. Boy howdy.
She was hugging me hard when she left.
I recapped all this to my sister, at her new house, while Jake, Brian and Elise played and my bigger three were at AWANA. It was good to be there. Her place is like Healthy Food Paradise, I picked at delicious pinto beans full of onions and broth while she heated up some butternut squash with almonds and mushroom bisque for me. I also sampled Brian's veggie pasta with olives and lemon juice. Yum yum yum. I was telling her I need to move in there, if I really want to be heart healthy. It's a bit too challenging for me lately to go as whole foods as I want to be, myself.
I figured out today that my previously independant and capable baby has turned into a high needs cling monster ever since my mother arrived for what should have been obvious reasons. Basically every time she sees my mom, she shrieks and runs and clings to me desperately. It's insane. If my mom so much as says hi or walks into the room Elise is a wreck. And she is not just anti-social; she lets our counter and drywall guy hold her when he's here working on things around the house, with a smile. She flirts with everyone at the grocery store. So it finally clicked into place for me...the only time Elise has ever been around my mother was when my mother moved into our house for 2.5 weeks because I was in the hospital. So this really scary freaky time when I had either completely vanished or was back but unwilling (unable) to lift her or nurse her at all has apparently left it's mark on her too. And...of course it has. I'm 26 and I'm in therapy myself, right? Still and all it continues to amaze me, how we are still living 2007's trauma day in and day out. I would like so much to just...be done with it all.
I got a cold a few weeks ago and Grant almost had a nervous breakdown when he attemped to go into SuperDaddy mode and let me rest in the bedroom alone.
I had a headache a little while after that and Annie ended up curled up in a fetal position wimpering after I'd spent a few minutes laying down with a rag on my head and Grant asking her to please leave me alone because I don't feel good.
*biggest sigh in the world*
So. I'm happy to be honest, to be getting things out in the open with my children. It's good to understand why Elise is reacting the way she is as it helps me be more patient and stops it from being nonsensical chaos. I wonder more and more if I will come to rue the day I said the settlement amount was enough. *shrug* Neither here nor there I suppose.
I have such a massive to-do list for tomorrow, but with the sort of taks that are on it I think I can mostly accomplish it all if I just keep at it.
-Call Dama about various things re:trip
-Call Alamo about van reservation for trip
-Call Lowe's installation to get floor dates moved up OR ELSE
-finish clearing out the office
-get it painter's taped
-get the first coat of kilz on
-my own therapy appt
-lunch with G
-RightStart Math with A and A
-soccer practice for A and A
-dinner?
The thing is I can ask my brother to do some kilz'ing and/or taping, and/or he and my mother can help me with the kids while I do it. G is here from 10-3 so I can do therapy and lunch and phone calls during that time...I'd like to do the math during that time but don't know if it will work out or not. My mother's been doing a lot of sweeping and dishes and counter clearing, and it's incredible how much time it's freed up for me - I really spend an obscene amount of time on those tasks, normally.
