![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
My birthday, with PSYCHOanalysis
Oct. 26th, 2006 04:19 amI have to do a lot of cleaning before I can go to bed tonight. Which is a little bit sucky because I didn't get to bed last night until 4, and Grant has already gone to bed with Jake. The only person left awake is Aaron, and I'm letting him have his nice distraction-free time with nobody butting in on his hypersensitive senses. He's mostly coloring with markers. He's nice to hang out with at night.
I have some kind of very sore, raw mystery abrasion on my inner thigh that's driving me bonkers; it doesn't have any sort of interesting or scandalous cause that I can think of. Or any other sort of cause.
My birthday was awesome. As Laura said, "Grant kicks ass at husbanding". At midnight night before last he whipped out a little gift bag. It had one of those big old leather wallets that I associate with older women in it; the kind that fold out into all sorts of compartments and have their own clasps and only fit into huge purses. Granted, I carry a huge purse, and all my cards get mixed up in and dropped out of the little zip pouch it has. So I heard him out as he said, "I know you probably never would have gotten this for yourself and I'm not sure if you'll like it, but I really thought you would use it" and tried not to make it too obvious that my reaction was "Oh. A...wallet. Great. I...love it." I opened it up to check it out and he had great pictures of the kids and of us and of all of us together all through it, and then I flipped over to the credit card section and did a double take because...it was full of gift cards.
Like, no, really, it was FULL OF GIFT CARDS. Target, Old Navy, Marshalls, Starbucks, Outback Steakhouse, and Barnes and Noble. I could not believe it. I was trying to decide if I should be confused or act guilty because he spent a fortune, but he was so giddy about the timing of this and that commission check that I just went with it; SQUEE!!!
"Hahaha", he says, "You thought I just got you a dumb wallet. You should have seen your face; 'Oh yeah I just...always wanted a...wallet...'".
Then he got out a little box. Little boxes make me nervous, gift wise, btw. But anyway, it was this beautiful necklace on black cord with silver accents; deep red beads that reminded both of us of pomegranate seeds on sight. "I went to the bead store and made it", he said. "These 5 in the middle are for all of our kids, and the two on the ends are you and I".
I know it makes no rational sense, but my involuntary response to him being this wonderful is to be terrified that I'm going to lose him somehow, and also reforge my somewhat lapsed relationship with Jesus on the basis that He can keep him alive. Whatever brings you back, I suppose.
There is really a part of me that quantifies all these years together - every amazing gift and hilarious roadtrip where we broke down in the middle of the night in freezing temperatures, and moment when someone handed us a baby...and thinks how the bigger the pile of memories grows, the harder it will be when it's all over. I can actually get intensely angry and start crying thinking how unfair it is that two people can continue to get closer and love more for so long, when they are still just mortal at the end of it anyway. It just makes it hurt more; it makes the loss bigger. I have a great great grandmother alive who lost her twin sister three years ago. Re-read that sentence! These women grew in and emerged from the same womb, grew up together, got married and raised families on the same block, buried their husbands and moved back in together; they've lost kids and even grandkids to causes natural and not. And then ONE OF THEM DIES, at 97 years old?! I honestly can't imagine.
This is how my mind works. I moved every 6 months as a child? I'm a Scorpio? I don't know why I can't just enjoy the moments. But sometimes I get this clench in my gut and think that the more deeply Grant understands me, the more lost I'll be if anything ever happens to him. The further back we go, the more completely irreplaceable he is. No, no I don't like vulnerability much. Who knew? I broke up with him as a teenager just because I couldn't stand it that he was mortal. He would walk (miles) to my house to bring me chocolate milk or make me noodle soup when I was sick, when I was 14 with no parents around. There are no ways to say thank you for some things. I used to call him when I woke up with nightmares, and he would tell me stories until I fell asleep on the phone. I would wake up hearing the dial tone in the morning.
But Tuesday. Tuesday I had a wonderful birthday. We went to the park for PATH but most everyone else went on the (totally uninteresting) field trip so I closed up the gate and we just stayed awhile to play on the main area, as a family...the kids found this huge cuban lizard in the grass. After sitting still and nearly camouflaged for several minutes as we surrounded it, the thing started bolting around zig zag style and we scattered, screaming and leaping around. Grant afterward said to me, "I didn't know you knew how to do the shutter bug".
We had lunch up at Olive Garden, and everyone was super good. Book store on the way back; I got the latest Stephen King, because it looks like one of the really good ones and not another dud, and the newest Ya-Ya book, which I've nearly burned through already, and the latest Elle. I still have money left on it for another time.
We came home nearing dark, lounged about in the perfect weather of the yard for a bit and then Annie and I went just the two of us on the PATH owl walk. It was very cool for her; she was totally volunteering answers in the classroom setting beforehand where we learned things, and so confident about walking through thigh high grass in the middle of the pitch dark forest. She said it made her want to go camping, and begged to go on another owl walk soon before we had even left. They had wings and talons, whole, from birds that have been hit by cars, so you can examine them up close - as well as owl pellets you can see the mouse bones in. Did you know we have 25" owls here (the great horned owl) that can catch and eat CATS?! We saw Eastern Screech Owls, which are only 8-11" and eat mice and small snakes, but still.
I came home long enough to nurse Jake, check in with Grant, give Isaac a goodnight hug and take Aaron out (just he and I) to see Open Season. He was over the moon because I got us a huge icee and a giant order of nachos with cheese and gave him unlimited access, and the movie cracked him up. We "flew" back to the car, weaving around and flapping our wings in the nearly empty parking lot.
Longest day ever. Very good day.
Today I had to make up for lost cleaning and homeschooling, and cram in a paper for my class that was this evening. And I did all the prep cooking before I left so I could whip dinner up fast when I got home. But we had a great dinner - ginger, garlic and terriyaki chicken and mushrooms, chilled fresh cranberry sauce, garlic and butter green beans, and cheddar mashed potatoes. The cleaning did not get all the way done throughout the day because Jake has a cold from the weather change and has been nursing up a storm...which is why I have to scrub the table and counters and sweep and mop and do another load of dishes now.
I feel really full. I feel like the idea of getting my degree is very real, too.
Also - my sister is two centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. She's not actually in labor, her body's just getting ready. Baby has been posterior causing her hella pain, and she's been leaning and sitting forward to faciliate turning so much that she's ready to stab herself, but it seems to have finally worked today. So perhaps that will instigate more progress - she's more comfortable now, anyway. Her due date is next week.
I have some kind of very sore, raw mystery abrasion on my inner thigh that's driving me bonkers; it doesn't have any sort of interesting or scandalous cause that I can think of. Or any other sort of cause.
My birthday was awesome. As Laura said, "Grant kicks ass at husbanding". At midnight night before last he whipped out a little gift bag. It had one of those big old leather wallets that I associate with older women in it; the kind that fold out into all sorts of compartments and have their own clasps and only fit into huge purses. Granted, I carry a huge purse, and all my cards get mixed up in and dropped out of the little zip pouch it has. So I heard him out as he said, "I know you probably never would have gotten this for yourself and I'm not sure if you'll like it, but I really thought you would use it" and tried not to make it too obvious that my reaction was "Oh. A...wallet. Great. I...love it." I opened it up to check it out and he had great pictures of the kids and of us and of all of us together all through it, and then I flipped over to the credit card section and did a double take because...it was full of gift cards.
Like, no, really, it was FULL OF GIFT CARDS. Target, Old Navy, Marshalls, Starbucks, Outback Steakhouse, and Barnes and Noble. I could not believe it. I was trying to decide if I should be confused or act guilty because he spent a fortune, but he was so giddy about the timing of this and that commission check that I just went with it; SQUEE!!!
"Hahaha", he says, "You thought I just got you a dumb wallet. You should have seen your face; 'Oh yeah I just...always wanted a...wallet...'".
Then he got out a little box. Little boxes make me nervous, gift wise, btw. But anyway, it was this beautiful necklace on black cord with silver accents; deep red beads that reminded both of us of pomegranate seeds on sight. "I went to the bead store and made it", he said. "These 5 in the middle are for all of our kids, and the two on the ends are you and I".
I know it makes no rational sense, but my involuntary response to him being this wonderful is to be terrified that I'm going to lose him somehow, and also reforge my somewhat lapsed relationship with Jesus on the basis that He can keep him alive. Whatever brings you back, I suppose.
There is really a part of me that quantifies all these years together - every amazing gift and hilarious roadtrip where we broke down in the middle of the night in freezing temperatures, and moment when someone handed us a baby...and thinks how the bigger the pile of memories grows, the harder it will be when it's all over. I can actually get intensely angry and start crying thinking how unfair it is that two people can continue to get closer and love more for so long, when they are still just mortal at the end of it anyway. It just makes it hurt more; it makes the loss bigger. I have a great great grandmother alive who lost her twin sister three years ago. Re-read that sentence! These women grew in and emerged from the same womb, grew up together, got married and raised families on the same block, buried their husbands and moved back in together; they've lost kids and even grandkids to causes natural and not. And then ONE OF THEM DIES, at 97 years old?! I honestly can't imagine.
This is how my mind works. I moved every 6 months as a child? I'm a Scorpio? I don't know why I can't just enjoy the moments. But sometimes I get this clench in my gut and think that the more deeply Grant understands me, the more lost I'll be if anything ever happens to him. The further back we go, the more completely irreplaceable he is. No, no I don't like vulnerability much. Who knew? I broke up with him as a teenager just because I couldn't stand it that he was mortal. He would walk (miles) to my house to bring me chocolate milk or make me noodle soup when I was sick, when I was 14 with no parents around. There are no ways to say thank you for some things. I used to call him when I woke up with nightmares, and he would tell me stories until I fell asleep on the phone. I would wake up hearing the dial tone in the morning.
But Tuesday. Tuesday I had a wonderful birthday. We went to the park for PATH but most everyone else went on the (totally uninteresting) field trip so I closed up the gate and we just stayed awhile to play on the main area, as a family...the kids found this huge cuban lizard in the grass. After sitting still and nearly camouflaged for several minutes as we surrounded it, the thing started bolting around zig zag style and we scattered, screaming and leaping around. Grant afterward said to me, "I didn't know you knew how to do the shutter bug".
We had lunch up at Olive Garden, and everyone was super good. Book store on the way back; I got the latest Stephen King, because it looks like one of the really good ones and not another dud, and the newest Ya-Ya book, which I've nearly burned through already, and the latest Elle. I still have money left on it for another time.
We came home nearing dark, lounged about in the perfect weather of the yard for a bit and then Annie and I went just the two of us on the PATH owl walk. It was very cool for her; she was totally volunteering answers in the classroom setting beforehand where we learned things, and so confident about walking through thigh high grass in the middle of the pitch dark forest. She said it made her want to go camping, and begged to go on another owl walk soon before we had even left. They had wings and talons, whole, from birds that have been hit by cars, so you can examine them up close - as well as owl pellets you can see the mouse bones in. Did you know we have 25" owls here (the great horned owl) that can catch and eat CATS?! We saw Eastern Screech Owls, which are only 8-11" and eat mice and small snakes, but still.
I came home long enough to nurse Jake, check in with Grant, give Isaac a goodnight hug and take Aaron out (just he and I) to see Open Season. He was over the moon because I got us a huge icee and a giant order of nachos with cheese and gave him unlimited access, and the movie cracked him up. We "flew" back to the car, weaving around and flapping our wings in the nearly empty parking lot.
Longest day ever. Very good day.
Today I had to make up for lost cleaning and homeschooling, and cram in a paper for my class that was this evening. And I did all the prep cooking before I left so I could whip dinner up fast when I got home. But we had a great dinner - ginger, garlic and terriyaki chicken and mushrooms, chilled fresh cranberry sauce, garlic and butter green beans, and cheddar mashed potatoes. The cleaning did not get all the way done throughout the day because Jake has a cold from the weather change and has been nursing up a storm...which is why I have to scrub the table and counters and sweep and mop and do another load of dishes now.
I feel really full. I feel like the idea of getting my degree is very real, too.
Also - my sister is two centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. She's not actually in labor, her body's just getting ready. Baby has been posterior causing her hella pain, and she's been leaning and sitting forward to faciliate turning so much that she's ready to stab herself, but it seems to have finally worked today. So perhaps that will instigate more progress - she's more comfortable now, anyway. Her due date is next week.
