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I am officially scared shitless.
It's just already begun, you know, there's no backing out now - and it's already begun, with my mother in law raving that her friend DIED having a vbac, she DIED like that! And the story makes no sense, it goes that she was seemingly fine and holding the baby and four hours after the birth her uterus exploded (?). She was in the hospital. She had one kidney. Something about a county hospital, no insurance, none of it makes any sense but Grant has to listen to this long barrage of it over lunch and he's already nervous and afraid for me.
My mother is being so good to me, so accepting and supportive, she doesn't even sound worried. I told her I appreciate it and she said, "I know you won't talk to me anymore if I freak out." O_o
I was on the phone with Kristin earlier. LLL leader. She transferred during her first birth, with Darien, to the hospital and had a c/s, and now she thinks it was totally unecessary but at the time she had put her faith in a really paranoid midwife. Then she had Naja at home a couple of years later just fine (different midwife).
I think the main thing I am scared of about homebirth is hemmorage. I am a bit of a bleeder, platelet issues, yada yada, but mostly it just seems so SUBJECTIVE, to say "Oh that's just the carnage of afterbirth" vs "Whoa that's a hemmorage, go to the hospital!!" I'm not really sure I can tell the difference, at all. I've thought I MUST be bleeding too much during miscarriages before, and never was. I mean I guess I'll just way err on the side of caution, because really if I do transfer and get checked into a hospital once I've had a vaginal birth...I've already had a vaginal birth. It would be a pain in the ass, especially if it was for nothing, but it wouldn't be a cesarean, you know?
Just thinking through and typing that last paragraph makes me feel so much better all of a sudden. Like, yeah, of course I can go anytime I want and they might give me a big ass headache but whatever, they're there for times I could think something is wrong and it's ok to think it when things are fine.
I suppose it could still be really bad if I was bleeding too much BEFORE the baby came out? I need to see some gruesome birth videos so I can get a handle on what this is supposed to look like, flood-wise. Someone give me some good links. You know who you are, Someone.
I was shaking this morning. Flipping the hell out. I went in the office and asked Grant to please just hug me for awhile.
Things unrelated to pregnancy:
-I found adorable, high quality Halloween costume for Isaac and Jake at BJ's today, for only $11.99 each since it's still so far in advance. A dragon for Isaac, and a puppy for Jake. Full body things with big animal heads on top of their heads, and tails and all. Whenever we wait until October everything is freaking $40-70 apiece, and cheaper quality than these.
-I won a contest they had up at Southland Mall on Father's Day weekend, and we're getting free tickets to the Miami Seaquarium. This is a dream come true for Ananda, who is obsessed with anything in the ocean and wants to be a marine biologist one day. She's already planning on going to MAST Academy when she's high school aged ;) Really though she wears a sea turtle necklace that she saved up for herself everywhere she goes and keeps a manatee postcard by her bed. And the Seaquarium would be like $150 for us all to go if we were paying.
-Our backyard has become a wildlife habitat - we've seen full grown and baby lugers (3+" grasshoppers in orance and yellow), crab and wolf spiders, a black racer snake and a raccoon, in the past few days. Just chilling out in the middle of the yarn in the sunlight.
-School is going very well.
-We transferred Isaac to Annie's old toddler bed, and he loves it. We're transferring Jake from our bed to Isaac's old portacrib, but very gradually and gently thus far. Like we get him to sleep, then set him in there, and when he wakes up a few hours later we bring him in our bed, or we pat him down to sleep in it for his naps.
-Jake is saying Mama, Dada, and sporatically walking!
-Isaac is going to drive me insane. I told Grant sincerely today, on the phone in a fit of trying not to beat him, that I would have an easier time with "normal" twins than another Isaac, and after a moment of consideration he agreed.
-Then I flipped out thinking, what if I DID have twins?!
-Then I got very grave thinking...what if I did have another Isaac?
It's just already begun, you know, there's no backing out now - and it's already begun, with my mother in law raving that her friend DIED having a vbac, she DIED like that! And the story makes no sense, it goes that she was seemingly fine and holding the baby and four hours after the birth her uterus exploded (?). She was in the hospital. She had one kidney. Something about a county hospital, no insurance, none of it makes any sense but Grant has to listen to this long barrage of it over lunch and he's already nervous and afraid for me.
My mother is being so good to me, so accepting and supportive, she doesn't even sound worried. I told her I appreciate it and she said, "I know you won't talk to me anymore if I freak out." O_o
I was on the phone with Kristin earlier. LLL leader. She transferred during her first birth, with Darien, to the hospital and had a c/s, and now she thinks it was totally unecessary but at the time she had put her faith in a really paranoid midwife. Then she had Naja at home a couple of years later just fine (different midwife).
I think the main thing I am scared of about homebirth is hemmorage. I am a bit of a bleeder, platelet issues, yada yada, but mostly it just seems so SUBJECTIVE, to say "Oh that's just the carnage of afterbirth" vs "Whoa that's a hemmorage, go to the hospital!!" I'm not really sure I can tell the difference, at all. I've thought I MUST be bleeding too much during miscarriages before, and never was. I mean I guess I'll just way err on the side of caution, because really if I do transfer and get checked into a hospital once I've had a vaginal birth...I've already had a vaginal birth. It would be a pain in the ass, especially if it was for nothing, but it wouldn't be a cesarean, you know?
Just thinking through and typing that last paragraph makes me feel so much better all of a sudden. Like, yeah, of course I can go anytime I want and they might give me a big ass headache but whatever, they're there for times I could think something is wrong and it's ok to think it when things are fine.
I suppose it could still be really bad if I was bleeding too much BEFORE the baby came out? I need to see some gruesome birth videos so I can get a handle on what this is supposed to look like, flood-wise. Someone give me some good links. You know who you are, Someone.
I was shaking this morning. Flipping the hell out. I went in the office and asked Grant to please just hug me for awhile.
Things unrelated to pregnancy:
-I found adorable, high quality Halloween costume for Isaac and Jake at BJ's today, for only $11.99 each since it's still so far in advance. A dragon for Isaac, and a puppy for Jake. Full body things with big animal heads on top of their heads, and tails and all. Whenever we wait until October everything is freaking $40-70 apiece, and cheaper quality than these.
-I won a contest they had up at Southland Mall on Father's Day weekend, and we're getting free tickets to the Miami Seaquarium. This is a dream come true for Ananda, who is obsessed with anything in the ocean and wants to be a marine biologist one day. She's already planning on going to MAST Academy when she's high school aged ;) Really though she wears a sea turtle necklace that she saved up for herself everywhere she goes and keeps a manatee postcard by her bed. And the Seaquarium would be like $150 for us all to go if we were paying.
-Our backyard has become a wildlife habitat - we've seen full grown and baby lugers (3+" grasshoppers in orance and yellow), crab and wolf spiders, a black racer snake and a raccoon, in the past few days. Just chilling out in the middle of the yarn in the sunlight.
-School is going very well.
-We transferred Isaac to Annie's old toddler bed, and he loves it. We're transferring Jake from our bed to Isaac's old portacrib, but very gradually and gently thus far. Like we get him to sleep, then set him in there, and when he wakes up a few hours later we bring him in our bed, or we pat him down to sleep in it for his naps.
-Jake is saying Mama, Dada, and sporatically walking!
-Isaac is going to drive me insane. I told Grant sincerely today, on the phone in a fit of trying not to beat him, that I would have an easier time with "normal" twins than another Isaac, and after a moment of consideration he agreed.
-Then I flipped out thinking, what if I DID have twins?!
-Then I got very grave thinking...what if I did have another Isaac?
