![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I couldn't sleep last night.
Aug. 2nd, 2006 10:30 amIt was like, Needles in my spine. People talking right over my head while I'm layed out naked and numb. Wondering whether I'll be paralyzed by a hematoma. Will the adhesions on my bladder cause problems. What if I can't pee for even longer, after they took out a catheter. What if I needed general again, and I didn't wake up. Blinking beeping impersonal latex scary in the NICU. Crying my way out of the parking garage with my empty container for transporting milk, struggling to walk on the pain to the elevators. You are so beautiful sleeping Jakey, you are completely worth it all of them are worth everything but why does this have to be so hard.
I was linked to a great study reported in USAToday about how vaginal delivery is no more dangerous after multiple cesareans, than after one. This is based on hundreds of women over several years, across the country in multiple facilities. I have no facility. I have this house. Or I have a c/s. And then if anything goes wrong, in this house, I have a c/s. And I was emailed another article about how dangerous subsequent pregnancies and cesareans are, you're so drastically much more likely to have a placental accretia or placental abruption, or a stillbirth or a term baby who dies inside of you, and at that point you know I just mentally start flailing my hands in front of my eyes and yelling "LA LA LA LA LA!" in a panic.
I can't handle that, I think I can't handle any of it but really I can't handle that. I've had enough sympathy pain in the past 8 1/2 months, it's way too easy to superimpose myself in those pictures, it was bad enough in the second trimester, *hysterical raving ensues*
Ok deep breath that you cannot control, that is faith, that is clear your mind and deal, it's still very unlikely however much it may also be MORE likely (and if it happened it would be my fault because I failed with Isaac and with Jake and I was ignorant it would mean I killed them), get a grip.
Though I would not actually opt for it, mostly because of my responsibility to my other children, I find the idea of bleeding to death at home waaaaaaay less scary than the idea of going back to a hospital. Being admitted and stripped and gowned and hooked up to everything and signing off all of my rights, signing that I understand they might kill me and nobody can do anything about that, etc etc.
For sake of clarity because this is all rather stream of consciousness - I am planning, if I am pregnant, to try to have a natural homebirth. I can actively visualize this happening, think it IS the safest option, and imagine all that labor with Jake as sort of smacking my body around and prepping it - like perhaps my cervix will get a clue a little sooner next time around. For what it's worth, right before I went into surgery, I was dilated to 5 and effaced to 90. That's a secret, but, you know - not anymore.
It is a LITTLE TOO EASY at this point for me to imagine ending up with another cesarean. I am scared shitless about it.
I think I would have cried myself to sleep last night but instead I prayed and prayed and prayed some more, until at last I started to feel calm.
And then and there as I really relaxed last night, exhausted and sleepy with my hand on my belly, I felt like I'm pregnant. With a girl. I thought of the names Helen and Helena, which is completely bizarre because I've never thought of those names before. Something about Amelia too.
I give it 4 hours until I can call the birth center for blood test results.
ETA Uh, lol. Sort of. I just went to look at dictionary.com for name meanings, because of my thoughts last night. Apparently Amelia means "Congenital absence of one or more limbs". O_o I knew a little girl named Amelia once, and she was awesome. She was in my Sunday School class when I was in high school.
I was linked to a great study reported in USAToday about how vaginal delivery is no more dangerous after multiple cesareans, than after one. This is based on hundreds of women over several years, across the country in multiple facilities. I have no facility. I have this house. Or I have a c/s. And then if anything goes wrong, in this house, I have a c/s. And I was emailed another article about how dangerous subsequent pregnancies and cesareans are, you're so drastically much more likely to have a placental accretia or placental abruption, or a stillbirth or a term baby who dies inside of you, and at that point you know I just mentally start flailing my hands in front of my eyes and yelling "LA LA LA LA LA!" in a panic.
I can't handle that, I think I can't handle any of it but really I can't handle that. I've had enough sympathy pain in the past 8 1/2 months, it's way too easy to superimpose myself in those pictures, it was bad enough in the second trimester, *hysterical raving ensues*
Ok deep breath that you cannot control, that is faith, that is clear your mind and deal, it's still very unlikely however much it may also be MORE likely (
Though I would not actually opt for it, mostly because of my responsibility to my other children, I find the idea of bleeding to death at home waaaaaaay less scary than the idea of going back to a hospital. Being admitted and stripped and gowned and hooked up to everything and signing off all of my rights, signing that I understand they might kill me and nobody can do anything about that, etc etc.
For sake of clarity because this is all rather stream of consciousness - I am planning, if I am pregnant, to try to have a natural homebirth. I can actively visualize this happening, think it IS the safest option, and imagine all that labor with Jake as sort of smacking my body around and prepping it - like perhaps my cervix will get a clue a little sooner next time around. For what it's worth, right before I went into surgery, I was dilated to 5 and effaced to 90. That's a secret, but, you know - not anymore.
It is a LITTLE TOO EASY at this point for me to imagine ending up with another cesarean. I am scared shitless about it.
I think I would have cried myself to sleep last night but instead I prayed and prayed and prayed some more, until at last I started to feel calm.
And then and there as I really relaxed last night, exhausted and sleepy with my hand on my belly, I felt like I'm pregnant. With a girl. I thought of the names Helen and Helena, which is completely bizarre because I've never thought of those names before. Something about Amelia too.
I give it 4 hours until I can call the birth center for blood test results.
ETA Uh, lol. Sort of. I just went to look at dictionary.com for name meanings, because of my thoughts last night. Apparently Amelia means "Congenital absence of one or more limbs". O_o I knew a little girl named Amelia once, and she was awesome. She was in my Sunday School class when I was in high school.
