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Up and down and up and down....
Nov. 4th, 2005 10:54 pmI had a hard day yesterday. Grant worked over 9 hours, so it was the first time I had all four kids by myself for any extended period of time. And also the first time I've carried Jake for hours without anyone to trade off with, and the first time I've lifted Isaac (into and out of his bed for his nap) since my surgery. I was so physically exhausted, by evening - especially since it came after a night of no sleep. We had a great walk and they were all sweet to me, I just had the most intense headache and backache and my eyes were on fire by the end of it.
But then last night I slept well, and felt good waking up. Grant stayed with everyone and I went to Starbucks and Target with my sister alone - it was great. And Jake is wonderful, crying less often and alert more, and Isaac is wonderful - I cut his hair for the first time and the nape of his neck is irresistable, and Aaron is wonderful, and seeming more well adjusted, and Ananda and I went out and bought ingredients to make chocolate raspberry cake, just the two of us, and talked and held hands the whole time, and made plans to go to the RibFest (big outdoor festival deal) tomorrow. While I was with my sister, Grant wore Jake and pushed Isaac and Aaron in the double stroller and Ananda walked with him, and they went up to Winn Dixie and shopped for ingredients and came home and made smoothies. I was amazed at my good fortune of having this man, who I actually missed in the two hours I was gone from him for.
And then I got on my friends' page, and found out that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
babyslime, one of my best friends (real life or otherwise), underwent an emergency c-section and her baby died. She was 34 weeks pregnant and he had a heart defect. He lived for 15 minutes.
It is all too easy for me to bring up the feeling in myself of having a baby die at a much earlier gestation than that. Or even the guts-being-ripped-apart agony of leaving Jake in the NICU. I wish there was something I could do, or say, but really...there is nothing. You think you know what it's like for your heart to break, before you're a mother, but really I don't think you even know how much heart you HAVE, for breaking, before you're a mother. I felt like we were pregnant together, and like we were having black haired boys to go with our redheaded toddler tyrants, together, and there were things I was about to send her...I cry for them, the whole family, everytime I think on it much. I can only imagine.
:::big sigh:::
But then last night I slept well, and felt good waking up. Grant stayed with everyone and I went to Starbucks and Target with my sister alone - it was great. And Jake is wonderful, crying less often and alert more, and Isaac is wonderful - I cut his hair for the first time and the nape of his neck is irresistable, and Aaron is wonderful, and seeming more well adjusted, and Ananda and I went out and bought ingredients to make chocolate raspberry cake, just the two of us, and talked and held hands the whole time, and made plans to go to the RibFest (big outdoor festival deal) tomorrow. While I was with my sister, Grant wore Jake and pushed Isaac and Aaron in the double stroller and Ananda walked with him, and they went up to Winn Dixie and shopped for ingredients and came home and made smoothies. I was amazed at my good fortune of having this man, who I actually missed in the two hours I was gone from him for.
And then I got on my friends' page, and found out that
babyslime, one of my best friends (real life or otherwise), underwent an emergency c-section and her baby died. She was 34 weeks pregnant and he had a heart defect. He lived for 15 minutes. It is all too easy for me to bring up the feeling in myself of having a baby die at a much earlier gestation than that. Or even the guts-being-ripped-apart agony of leaving Jake in the NICU. I wish there was something I could do, or say, but really...there is nothing. You think you know what it's like for your heart to break, before you're a mother, but really I don't think you even know how much heart you HAVE, for breaking, before you're a mother. I felt like we were pregnant together, and like we were having black haired boys to go with our redheaded toddler tyrants, together, and there were things I was about to send her...I cry for them, the whole family, everytime I think on it much. I can only imagine.
:::big sigh:::
