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altarflame-I'm (hopefully?) getting over being sick. Grant had it first, last week, I had it over the weekend. Luckily Isaac just had a bit of a runny nose, and Ananda, Aaron and Jake appear unscathed so far.
-I talked to my mother on the phone for 2 1/2 hours yesterday. She called me. I feel a little guilty but mostly overjoyed and giddy that she has been unable to sleep, eat or think for the past few days. I know that sounds horrible, but...I feel like I'm important to her, again. I don't know how to explain what I mean. I was here worrying that if I vented to her, I could lose her, because her desire to not face the past would maybe be bigger than her desire to hang out with me. Though I know that she loves me and has always depended on me and that I'm her firstborn and yada yada yada, it seems that the priorities have went down that way on several previous occasions...I felt bad that she was upset on the phone, but at the same time like she seems so young and open and awesome, when you crack that facade, and we end up laughing through tears at everything in the world...Does this make sense? It was exhausting and I was ready to get off the phone at the end. But glad it happened. She said a whole bunch of things that I was not even allowing myself to hope to hear, and I keep recalling them over and over in my mind. They make me feel like I did when I was little and sick, and she put a rag on my head and made me noodle soup. It's so good to know that she isn't ignoring me or mad at me or thinking I'm upset over nothing, that I can effect her...
-Isaac has learned to jump. Like, to where his entire body leaves the ground. He loves it, and thinks it's hilarious. I'm also noticing him having a big leap in communication skills (he said "Go out there" to Grant earlier, and seems to understand just about anything the kids say to him, even when I'm getting ready to tell them he can't understand things like what they're saying).
-I've done jumping excercises with Aaron today (that's when Isaac learned to jump), massage, and foot pounding. As well as sat and talked with him about ways to get along better with Isaac. I allow him his honesty ("I don't like Isaac") but try to set some standards ("I understand that, but he's your brother and we're a family, so you have to grow up with him and live with him anyway. You could have more fun with him and be happier if you tried to blah blah blah"). I feel good about him, like I can put a lot into him and it will yield results. I'm a little at odds with how to deal with him and Isaac...they clash terribly. Aaron has too many sensory problems to be able to stand him, really, and I think it would be horribly false to say "Oh, Aaron, you're just saying that now because you're mad, you love Isaac" - I don't think he does. Ananda loves Isaac, Grant and I do, Jake finds him fascinating. But he's too much for Aaron and always has been. Aaron had daily breakdown over Isaac's crying when he was a baby, and ever since he's become mobile he's been yelling, stepping on him (Aaron is ALWAYS laying down on the floor...)pulling his hair, hitting him, taking his toys, etc, and it's all just turned up too loud for Aaron. Isaac even does it on purpose now, knowing he can get a big reaction and laughing like it's the greatest game in the world. Often while Aaron cries with his hands on his head or yells for me over and over. It's kind of hard for me - I know that Ananda and Aaron are super unusually close and will continue to be, and they both adore the baby, etc, but I worry that Aaron and Isaac might never have any interest in each other beyond when one or the other is moving out. My HOPE is that when Isaac speaks more and more clearly, their relationship will improve, because right now Aaron has a hard time talking to US/understanding what WE mean, most of the time,and so perhaps it's just that Isaac, with his tantrums and toddler-ease, is completely beyond his ability to cope with...It's just sad to see, he tells me "I don't want to play with him/be nice to him/have him near me/share a room with him", with this woebegone expression, and he means it so sincerely, as in "It really does make me miserable that this other child of yours is in my life". Isaac is learning limits gradually, and behaving better as time passes, but that's with Grant and I maintaining our patience, distracting him to better activities, and being able to remove him or be stern as necessary - but Aaron's kneejerk reactions are to snatch things back, run away, start screaming, and then things just snowball out of control.
-Grant Sr is talking seriously about selling the house. Like, the one we live in :p So, that's been on our minds a lot. We did a lot of talking with him about it, over the weekend. Apparently the isurance adjuster who came by to inspect all the damage from Hurricane Wilma said we need a whole new roof (in addition to replacing a large portion of the wooden fence and all the screen on the back porch). And because of the last couple of hurricane seasons, the insurance on the place is going up. He has to pay over $2k EACH, for renewing the homeowners' insurance, and his deductible for the roof - and the taxes are due sometime in the next couple of months and will be an extra $1800. And there's just no way he sees to make that happen. It's kind of coming down to, we have to fork up some of that money if we want to continue to have a place to live. But...we're still behind on the car payment and can barely keep the house stocked with groceries, etc. And this is December...even if we bought NOBODY presents, we still were planning to travel to Lakeland for Christmas...And the frustrating thing is that if Grant Sr DOES sell, we really can't stay in South Florida - it's too expensive for us to live on our own here. But the business - Grant's, I mean - is really starting to take off. He has all these new accounts, and is even hiring an employee as of January 3. It's hard, because Grant Sr hates his life - he hates his job,a nd the long commute it entails, and Mindy (sil) calling him for money and favors all the time, and being lonely, and us taking up his whole house with kids and kid clutter. He wants to sell half just to leave and start over somewhere else where nobody knows him. We feel awful for any sort of taking advantage of him. And why NOW, after years of struggling, when we actually see a light on the horizon? It's very worrisome. Major money trouble.
-I don't talk about it much, but God is on my mind a lot lately. The Advent (pre-Christmas) season, my life...Grant and I talk constantly about marriage and suffice to say I desperately want to just DO IT ALREADY, any old way, but he is very set on doing it the way we want to do it, because he's waited so long and thinks we'll regret it all our lives if we just go do it the quickest easiest way. We have been round and round and ROUND about this, from every financial and theological perspective and come up with all these pseudosolutions and unresolved compromises...I feel like it's the only thing holding me back, in a lot of ways. It makes me FEEL illigitimate in a way I don't like, as well as providing a horrible christian witness of hypocrisy and a bad example for our kids. But mostly I just feel separated from God in a very fundamental way. There is grace, there is "the Word that dwells in my heart", there is blessing and prayer. But there is also the constant hum in the back of my mind that, the bottom line is, we put our desires (for sex, or a cool ceremony, or what have you) before Him. I understand the let down of a marriage license and some vows with a pastor, I know that he has been saying he'll marry me for 11 years now and wants our friends and family there to celebrate with us,a nd I know that we are "practically married anyway". The last thing I want is for him to finally just give in to my will and say "Fine, let's just do it." and then resent me for it...I'm not really mad at him so much as just beyond frustrated with the stupid situation. Which is why I don't talk about it here, even though it's been a major topic of my conversations (with him and a couple of others) for weeks and weeks.
Right after I ranted and posted the previous entry, Ananda came and hugged me so sweetly that I felt like I should go and take it all back. I think I might have, if I didn't still have to disinfect a bunch of bath toys that were overflowed on o_O
-I talked to my mother on the phone for 2 1/2 hours yesterday. She called me. I feel a little guilty but mostly overjoyed and giddy that she has been unable to sleep, eat or think for the past few days. I know that sounds horrible, but...I feel like I'm important to her, again. I don't know how to explain what I mean. I was here worrying that if I vented to her, I could lose her, because her desire to not face the past would maybe be bigger than her desire to hang out with me. Though I know that she loves me and has always depended on me and that I'm her firstborn and yada yada yada, it seems that the priorities have went down that way on several previous occasions...I felt bad that she was upset on the phone, but at the same time like she seems so young and open and awesome, when you crack that facade, and we end up laughing through tears at everything in the world...Does this make sense? It was exhausting and I was ready to get off the phone at the end. But glad it happened. She said a whole bunch of things that I was not even allowing myself to hope to hear, and I keep recalling them over and over in my mind. They make me feel like I did when I was little and sick, and she put a rag on my head and made me noodle soup. It's so good to know that she isn't ignoring me or mad at me or thinking I'm upset over nothing, that I can effect her...
-Isaac has learned to jump. Like, to where his entire body leaves the ground. He loves it, and thinks it's hilarious. I'm also noticing him having a big leap in communication skills (he said "Go out there" to Grant earlier, and seems to understand just about anything the kids say to him, even when I'm getting ready to tell them he can't understand things like what they're saying).
-I've done jumping excercises with Aaron today (that's when Isaac learned to jump), massage, and foot pounding. As well as sat and talked with him about ways to get along better with Isaac. I allow him his honesty ("I don't like Isaac") but try to set some standards ("I understand that, but he's your brother and we're a family, so you have to grow up with him and live with him anyway. You could have more fun with him and be happier if you tried to blah blah blah"). I feel good about him, like I can put a lot into him and it will yield results. I'm a little at odds with how to deal with him and Isaac...they clash terribly. Aaron has too many sensory problems to be able to stand him, really, and I think it would be horribly false to say "Oh, Aaron, you're just saying that now because you're mad, you love Isaac" - I don't think he does. Ananda loves Isaac, Grant and I do, Jake finds him fascinating. But he's too much for Aaron and always has been. Aaron had daily breakdown over Isaac's crying when he was a baby, and ever since he's become mobile he's been yelling, stepping on him (Aaron is ALWAYS laying down on the floor...)pulling his hair, hitting him, taking his toys, etc, and it's all just turned up too loud for Aaron. Isaac even does it on purpose now, knowing he can get a big reaction and laughing like it's the greatest game in the world. Often while Aaron cries with his hands on his head or yells for me over and over. It's kind of hard for me - I know that Ananda and Aaron are super unusually close and will continue to be, and they both adore the baby, etc, but I worry that Aaron and Isaac might never have any interest in each other beyond when one or the other is moving out. My HOPE is that when Isaac speaks more and more clearly, their relationship will improve, because right now Aaron has a hard time talking to US/understanding what WE mean, most of the time,and so perhaps it's just that Isaac, with his tantrums and toddler-ease, is completely beyond his ability to cope with...It's just sad to see, he tells me "I don't want to play with him/be nice to him/have him near me/share a room with him", with this woebegone expression, and he means it so sincerely, as in "It really does make me miserable that this other child of yours is in my life". Isaac is learning limits gradually, and behaving better as time passes, but that's with Grant and I maintaining our patience, distracting him to better activities, and being able to remove him or be stern as necessary - but Aaron's kneejerk reactions are to snatch things back, run away, start screaming, and then things just snowball out of control.
-Grant Sr is talking seriously about selling the house. Like, the one we live in :p So, that's been on our minds a lot. We did a lot of talking with him about it, over the weekend. Apparently the isurance adjuster who came by to inspect all the damage from Hurricane Wilma said we need a whole new roof (in addition to replacing a large portion of the wooden fence and all the screen on the back porch). And because of the last couple of hurricane seasons, the insurance on the place is going up. He has to pay over $2k EACH, for renewing the homeowners' insurance, and his deductible for the roof - and the taxes are due sometime in the next couple of months and will be an extra $1800. And there's just no way he sees to make that happen. It's kind of coming down to, we have to fork up some of that money if we want to continue to have a place to live. But...we're still behind on the car payment and can barely keep the house stocked with groceries, etc. And this is December...even if we bought NOBODY presents, we still were planning to travel to Lakeland for Christmas...And the frustrating thing is that if Grant Sr DOES sell, we really can't stay in South Florida - it's too expensive for us to live on our own here. But the business - Grant's, I mean - is really starting to take off. He has all these new accounts, and is even hiring an employee as of January 3. It's hard, because Grant Sr hates his life - he hates his job,a nd the long commute it entails, and Mindy (sil) calling him for money and favors all the time, and being lonely, and us taking up his whole house with kids and kid clutter. He wants to sell half just to leave and start over somewhere else where nobody knows him. We feel awful for any sort of taking advantage of him. And why NOW, after years of struggling, when we actually see a light on the horizon? It's very worrisome. Major money trouble.
-I don't talk about it much, but God is on my mind a lot lately. The Advent (pre-Christmas) season, my life...Grant and I talk constantly about marriage and suffice to say I desperately want to just DO IT ALREADY, any old way, but he is very set on doing it the way we want to do it, because he's waited so long and thinks we'll regret it all our lives if we just go do it the quickest easiest way. We have been round and round and ROUND about this, from every financial and theological perspective and come up with all these pseudosolutions and unresolved compromises...I feel like it's the only thing holding me back, in a lot of ways. It makes me FEEL illigitimate in a way I don't like, as well as providing a horrible christian witness of hypocrisy and a bad example for our kids. But mostly I just feel separated from God in a very fundamental way. There is grace, there is "the Word that dwells in my heart", there is blessing and prayer. But there is also the constant hum in the back of my mind that, the bottom line is, we put our desires (for sex, or a cool ceremony, or what have you) before Him. I understand the let down of a marriage license and some vows with a pastor, I know that he has been saying he'll marry me for 11 years now and wants our friends and family there to celebrate with us,a nd I know that we are "practically married anyway". The last thing I want is for him to finally just give in to my will and say "Fine, let's just do it." and then resent me for it...I'm not really mad at him so much as just beyond frustrated with the stupid situation. Which is why I don't talk about it here, even though it's been a major topic of my conversations (with him and a couple of others) for weeks and weeks.
Right after I ranted and posted the previous entry, Ananda came and hugged me so sweetly that I felt like I should go and take it all back. I think I might have, if I didn't still have to disinfect a bunch of bath toys that were overflowed on o_O
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romantic as fuck.
Date: 2005-12-05 08:39 pm (UTC)Re: romantic as fuck.
Date: 2005-12-05 11:55 pm (UTC)Re: romantic as fuck.
Date: 2005-12-06 12:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-05 09:06 pm (UTC)A wedding doesn't have to be expensive to be meaningful, you know? And, there's NOTHING wrong with having a tiny tiny wedding at a courthouse or your church just to be legally married and then doing a big shindig later. A lot of couples do that. You'd get your spirtual marriage, and Grant would get his big party later on. I think that's a fair compromise.
I think a lot about God too. I've even started having dreams about going to church.
I'm glad you talked to your mom.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-05 11:35 pm (UTC)anyhow, i just want to throw out there the alternative perspective that you and Grant are already living in communion, with love and grace in your hearts. you are householders, blessed with four beautiful children. the institution of marriage is not God's law, but man's in the sense that the church (a man-made institution) has had to create a sense of power over people's lives and being that marriage is largely embedded with politics, it almost takes away from the sanctity and beauty of what marriage (through the eyes of God) stands to represent. i can understand your desire to be married, and i cannot offer any advice to alleviate your feelings of being "fundamentally" separated from God, but i do wish that all beings could find the kingdom of heaven that dwells within, the divine that we all possess and choose to be content with their decisions.
i think that what you and Grant share is a marriage in its truest form and you do not need the papers or the witnesses to validate that.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-05 11:53 pm (UTC)Also, it is not so much that I feel that organized religion or churches are punishing me. I've never really been told anything of the sort by a church, and don't even belong to any particular one right now. But in my own scripture studies and prayers, I've felt very strongly that sex outside of marriage, without committments in place, hurt me in a lot of ways. I can tell that that's not how it should be. I know Grant and I ARE committed, which is why it seems stupid that we aren't wed. I view the wedding as a sacrament; bringing God into our relationship.
I have a lot more I could say, but I also have a needy toddler.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 06:25 am (UTC)what? i'm confused now... heh...but that's what happens a lot lately as i get to know more and more mamas on lj. our lives are all so complicated (or much more colorful than reading back a few months, anyway)
i didn't mean to imply that the church or any organization instituted marriage as a punishment, it's actually a beautiful thing. i wasn't articulating myself well, at all, and probably won't be able to right now, either ;)
i do understand that through independent study of the scriptures, we all gain something different. my fiance and i are in no hurry to marry because i would not qualify for financial aid if were to do it soon, and yet we could not afford to fund my education unless i got a job, which is out of the question. (i've worked, gone to school and been a single mother before...and that just might be easier than working, going to school and managing a household with two kids and a husband)...anyway, i went through similar soul-searching and questioned the whole point of a life lived on premarital sex with no desire for children. and while i can respect that some people don't want children, i couldn't continue my relationship without the possibility for more children as it seemed to contradict nature, to me.
we didn't do things in the order that society deems appropriate (got engaged, then pregnant, with no "date" set) but there is a pressure there, definitely. eh, i'm just rambling now. but if you ever feel like saying that more you could say, i'd be interested in hearing it. i don't think i'm making sense anymore so i'll be quiet now.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 03:14 am (UTC)My boss read and re-read the information carefully. She saw the signs of sensory integration dysfunction, which she believes you correctly identified (although she is a speech-language pathologist, not an occupational therapist), but she also believes that there are some strong speech/language issues to be dealt with as well. One of the things my boss felt that was very positive about this whole situation was your attentiveness to your son and the fact that I told her you were willing to do anything you could to help him. Some parents are unwilling to help their children because they are afraid to accept that something could be "wrong" or "different" with their kids, regardless of whether it's a big thing or a little thing, and the kid ends up worse off for it-- I don't think that's the case with you.
Judy (my boss) really wants to talk to you on the phone, actually. Is that something that would be possible and that you'd be comfortable with? Our practice is Judith Wisnia and Associates, based out of Burlington, Massachusetts.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 06:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-06 06:02 am (UTC)I really love reading your entries, even though I don't post a lot. You are such a caring mom.