Jan. 21st, 2016

altarflame: (deluge)
I can be hard on myself for not taking charge of certain aspects of my life that are ongoing struggles - making regular writing time happen, improving my health. It's really hitting me this morning how little time I EVER have to myself, and how difficult that makes proactivity, or even the kind of thought gathering that precedes making plans.

I really get motivated to do my own "stuff" almost immediately when I have the smallest slivers of alone time - it's why I used to stay up til all hours of the night when I had babies/toddlers. I have a WAY harder time doing that, these days, though. And so when day after day passes without any chance at regrouping, there's this sense of never being able to stop and thinking - and always reacting - that starts to make me feel stagnant.

I do DO things apart from my family, but they're not really "on my own." I've went to a group meditation and I've been in crisis counselor training a lot lately. I text with friends often. But the idea of like, being at my house by myself? Is just wild. The idea of sitting somewhere alone ANYWHERE for a period of time, has become foreign. As I type this, this little beginning of an entry, Elise has been rambling about things despite me asking her twice to give me a few minutes, and Grant's woken up and come to ask me how I'm doing this morning. Which is nice, and I love them, but it can also get kinda Give Me Strength at times.

Some of my whirlwind:

Isaac went to the doctor twice last week, I met with his principal once, I emailed with his teachers and played phone tag with two different specialist offices (it seems he's developed asthma and has gastritis; poor kid has been coughing until he pukes WAY too much and missing a ton of school, it's awful for him...I sometimes worry his respiratory and gastro issues will never end, but then again it's really hard to untangle what of those things is his anxiety... poor Isaac). He is doing better this week, at least, with the help of albuterol and Zantac...

Aaron is sad again about another breakup with the same girl and I'm trying to surprise him with cups of tea and slip him random Chipotle burritos, when he doesn't want to talk. I'm also cutting him slack when he needs me to do his laundry constantly because this week, his ability to plan has fallen by the wayside (laundry is generally Aaron's chore, and he has daily laundry from dance at school).

Last Friday all my kids' had dental check-ups. Despite the fact that we LIVE at the damned dentist (it feels that way; they get checkups every 6 months but Jake had to go in for a cavity last month and Annie's there every month because of her braces), Elise had an abscess! A freaking abscess! They had to do an extraction before we could leave. I couldn't believe it - she hadn't complained at all, and the tooth looked normal from most angles. But the whole inside, looking down in from the roots once it was out, was green and hollow :/ So Friday was devoted to helping her through that, and the recovery, including buying/prepping soft foods. My 3 younger kids are just so prone to dental troubles, it blows my mind. Neither Ananda nor Aaron have ever had a single cavity, which is how I was until back to back pregnancies - and Aaron is the worst about brushing/flossing. My little kids are methodical and thorough about those things, and have started with regular dental visits way younger, but it's just intense - Jake had an infected cavity for the first time when he was only 3 or 4.

I didn't go to the dentist the first time until I was 17!

Monday there was no school - Annie was back at the dentist for the orthodontist, and then all five kids had their annual physicals, which took foreeevvveeerrrrr. We laughed a lot while they weren't bickering but overall the amount of waiting around in a small room was not cool.

Tuesday aside from needing to pick things up at the pharmacy and drop things off at the post office, Elise and Jake had kids' yoga and Elise tried a new Girl Scout troop, since she hasn't really had one and misses it.

I'm doing schoolwork with Jake and Elise during the school days. I'm reading to the younger 3 at night. I'm grocery shopping and cooking dinners all the time. We had to have an AC guy out last week, and we've got a plumber coming this week.

Soooo yeah, on the one hand wtf life, how am I supposed to accomplish anything "for me"?

AND YET - while I was in school I had a system of structured deadlines with accountability, and therefore accomplished plenty of my own things. I took 17 credits of upper level coursework Aug-Jan 7! And I ended with a term GPA of 3.36. I was doing survey research at FIU and meeting with professors in between visits to the hospital, while my little niece was in-patient and while I helped my sister with her older kids! Also, I skyped a presentation and studied tons of math while we were out of town for a wedding! But I felt I HAD to do those things, and I can cram school in around the edges. The way I'm doing with my training, now, I guess.

But exercise? Blocks of writing time? Not blogging time that I can be interrupted at 75 million times and keep coming back to, or eventually give up on... the kind of writing time where I've opened a flood gate and need to give it a couple of hours behind a shut door. The kind where I need a plan and I get very upset if the plan is messed up.

Hopefully this entry is part of me working my way around to figuring these things out. I'm fairly sure they're connected, as writing siphons off so many of the capital-f Feelings that lead me to eating more than I should. It's really about proactive vs reactive.

Off I go... to the kitchen, ironically. But as they say, I got shit* to do.


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