altarflame (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
altarflame) wrote2014-02-04 07:08 pm
altarflame) wrote2014-02-04 07:08 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Because of some reading I was doing for my Health Psychology class, I have spent the last 10 minutes researching morbid obesity, which I qualify for with my big ass BMI. Just my big ass, really, haha.
The shit I'm seeing is SO OVER THE TOP RIDICULOUS. From an eHow article: The morbidly obese live a lifestyle that is significantly impaired by their weight; most can't move without assistance. Uh, I power walked all over a university campus this afternoon, several times, and took my son on a bike ride this evening. Those are normal things for me to do multiple times per week.
My Health Psychology textbook talks about the health risks of morbid obesity, and they include things like not being able to have imaging tests penetrate your fat, or have a blood pressure cuff fit, or sit in a normal wheelchair if you have an accident (I've never had any issue with any of these things - and I get my blood pressure taken A LOT these past months. FYI, it's low normal). They also go on about how the morbidly obese often can't see a doctor since it's so hard to get in and out of cars, or the offices themselves.
Perhaps we need to change the cut off ranges or something, because I have no idea what they are on about. I live in the fucking car and at doctor's offices, unfortunately, and for non-fat related reasons :p I suppose that since "morbid obesity" includes both 235 pound people and 935 pound people (and right on up to infinity), it's easy to say "most"? I dunno, man.
ANYWAY.
On a tangential note, I have finally had enough B12 shots to feel like I can exercise! Because while basic mobility was not a logistical issue, I have just had zero energy + constant joint pain while anemic, and most of all NO AIR to exercise with (B12 is necessary for the production of red blood cells, which carry oxygen throughout your body). Restarting C25K Sunday was soooooo different than when I started for the first time, last August. That whole debacle makes so much more sense to me now! I have normal "hard exercise" symptoms, now, like sweating a little and muscle soreness the next day. Not I-am-going-to-die breathing issues. Breathing was my main issue before, with joint pain as a second. Way better! "Just" sweating and having muscle soreness seems like a freakin' breeze.
And I almost never have any "resting pain" at all now. It's pretty awesome and still sometimes just astounds me.
I started writing a long, rambling entry one day last week, about all kinds of things, that got closed but auto-saved with the site. I got too busy teaching children and running around to ever finish it, and am not sure it's very interesting anyway, but
There are times when I am so impressed by community, and the efforts that people make. This morning, dropping Isaac off, his whole charter school was turning in their science fair projects. Every year they do them over the course of a month, in a school-wide way, so for weeks now it's been time to write up his hypothesis or to type out his fact sources or to actually do the experiment itself. Today, the project boards are getting turned in. Which means that the normal school traffic and drop off area were filled with parents walking kids in and everyone holding giant things - the boards themselves, but also a lightbulb on a stick tied to a brick, and a big box covered in aluminum foil, and a carefully balanced display of magnets, and so on.
I guess I just didn't really see adults doing academic or child-oriented things, as a kid. We as a family have definitely participated in science fairs before, both with our homeschool group and with this school. There are moments, though, when all of a sudden I look around, in a situation like that, and see that it's dozens of teachers and hundreds of parents all working together -individually and with classes, there and at home - so that every one of these kids can learn the scientific method. They get to do something above and beyond the "core curriculum" of Florida or FCAT drills because enough people believe it's worthwhile to. <---His school does all kinds of above and beyond things, but I don't always think about it in these terms. When I am struck by it, it makes me want to just start hugging everyone there that I see.
I used to sit amazed in church, as a high schooler, that there were actually adults, real grownups, who were coming in for board meetings and choir practice and stuff just because those things...were important to them. I had never seen grownups actively do scheduled things that didn't involve a paycheck, just because they wanted to. Even though it could be a pain or a sacrifice, and nobody was making them.
This ties in with my feelings about parenting, by the way - people online like to assume I am really capital-j Judging other parents who formula feed, use disposable diapers, put their baby in a crib, send their kid to school, go through McDonald's, whatever. But I am really fucking not. I like to see all sides of things and understand what is optimal when there is an objective "optimal," yes. I also think there is real value in everyone being honest about statistics and facts because, for instance, breastfeeding really has does have huge health benefits, many people don't even know about cloth diapering options or slings or whatever else...I have a serious problem with people who try to stifle or gloss over information for the sake of sparing feelings.
It seems obvious, though, that "information" has to gel with reality, and everyone's reality is subjective. What I mean is that when I would take 4 year old Annie two doors down to play with our neighbors who had two parents that worked fulltime, and fed the kids hot dogs cut up with american cheese, I was BLOWN AWAY by how awesome those people were. They so obviously loved their kids to death, and knew them well, and cared about how they were doing individually. I wouldn't have made the same choices about various arbitrary shit that they did. I also don't think it ultimately matters overly much to who everybody becomes as adults. Things can be vitally important to me personally and not matter at all to someone else; I am aware of this and always have been.
I've got a friend who is kind of a cringe-worthy "proud redneck." He's married to someone with a 16 year old daughter that had a baby a year ago. He's also the foster parent of a kid who has nobody else. They smoke, and that baby has her ears pierced and a pacifier in her mouth all the time, and she's adorable, and they all eat things that totally gross me out, and have ridiculous Fox News tea party politics, and those kids are CHERISHED and have a whole support system of love with all these proud adults taking pictures of every milestone. They're luckier than a whole lot of kids out there, most kids from a global/historical perspective.
I don't know if this is making sense. It's not mutually exclusive to argue for facts to be out there available, and for everyone to do the best they can, and to still know we're all human beings with limitations and free will. I think part of the disconnect between how people interpret me online and how I actually interact with others in "the real world" is because I, myself, 1.) have had my mind changed about a lot of things by arguing online, so see real value in it that has nothing to do with "drama" or debating for the sake of itself (which exhausts me quick, honestly), and 2.) I really, really wish someone could have gone back in time and told me tons of things a decade ago that I had to learn "the hard way." About things like the risks of cesareans if you want to have a big family, food sensitivity info that could have changed Isaac's first 5 years of life radically had we known... Since I kick myself for my own previous ignorance, I see it as helpful rather than preachy when people write about stuff.
Changing the subject AGAIN, though, does anybody else get what I mean about how fucking weird it is that some people like, STAY STUCK on pregnancy, infancy, breastfeeding, attachment parenting (which is really something that only applies to the first years of life and is meant to set kids up to be more independent as they get older), etc? I mean when I was experiencing these things, I thought about them all the time, wrote about them, read about them, went to meetings of people who practiced them - because it was my life, it was relevant to my interests. It's overwhelming to become a mother or to have tiny people. Except...now I realize that tons of the people who were obsessive about birth or running La Leche League meetings when I was into that shit DIDN'T HAVE BABIES OR TODDLERS OR EVEN PRESCHOOLERS. Tons of the people who were having babies with me have 10 year olds now, but... they are still fucking talking about breastfeeding and slings and co-sleeping all these years later. All day every day on facebook, vaccination dangers! Why crying it out is evil! I don't mean occasional shares since there's a new study or something, I mean "lifestyle" birth/AP/whatever people.
I get invited to film screenings and lectures at birth centers, and "baby wearing fairs," and people share pics of babies on my fb wall and it's like...no. Just no, maybe even hell no. I don't want to get stuck in that place and make the rest of my life about it.
There are passionate advocates for change out there who are doing good for people and I don't mean to offend them. They did good for me, I should probably be more grateful. What specifically confounds me is parents who continue to exist in the newborn sphere as their own kids age further and further out of it. Like, you know, my sister talked about almost nothing but breastfeeding troubles when she was having breastfeeding troubles. Now, though, she talks about almost nothing but schooling choices, picky eaters and sibling bickering. Because life moves on.
Ok, since I walked away from this rambling entry I woke up all my other children, took Elisey with me to get a shot, took her on a little date to Panera, and (FINALLY) got a call back from my gastro's office.
Aside from enjoying her company, I am so frustrated right now.
The nurse who was doing my "lab appt" (in and out, no waiting, you don't see a doctor) said that she didn't see an order for a blood draw on my chart. I explained that Dr Milligan wanted to check it after a month before the shot, to see how much my level dropped during that time. She basically just repeated herself about not seeing it there. The way this works is, I can make a big fuss about it and get an appt to see the doctor - it would probably be Monday and it's routine to wait 3 hours there. Then I hash it out with the doctor, who I don't really see eye to eye with or feel listened to by on this issue anyway, and get a new lap appt set up for probably Wednesday, since I'm in school on Tuesday. Except then my whole week is being devoured, and I already live at the fucking doctor and I'd rather have the shot sooner than later, and that's just a freaking pain. So I let her repeat herself and stare at me and act weird and tense when I was being totally polite, and then just got my shot and left.
Likewise, it was not my actual gastro but his assistant, who called me back. I've been playing phone tag with the assistant and their nurse practioner for 2.5 weeks now. Anyway, she's acting like in order to get a letter for FIU explaining my diagnosis I have to make an appt (i.e., spend hundreds of dollars since we're past the first of the year and my deductibles are high again). I also need an appt to talk to the doc about the diagnosis and my GP's unwillingness to honor it (explained in previous entries). AND, the soonest appt is March 17. Super awesome. Honestly, I have 6 months to get the letter for FIU, so that's not a deal breaker, although I would like to have the "how often should I really be having these shots, and should I switch docs" talk before that long passes. Mostly I just hate how weirdly inaccessible doctors are and how stone-walling and unhelpful their bouncers can be. Gah. It was the assistant who called me with the blood test results and explained pernicious anemia to begin with, I've never actually spoken to my doctor about it.
I just keep thinking to myself that I am in such a privileged position with all of this - we have great insurance, enough money, reliable transportation, I don't have social anxiety or language barriers (very common in this area) and my schedule is pretty flexible...and even still it's this freaking hard for me, aggressively pursuing answers and help every step of the way. How in the hell do people who can't stand talking on the phone, or can't take time off from work to sit in waiting rooms constantly, or ARE BROKE, not just die of whatever they've got?! I mean it really makes sense to me, that in the pernicious anemia forums online everyone is like, "I was diagnosed when I lost the ability to walk and was inpatient with a team assigned to my case."
*deep breath*
The shit I'm seeing is SO OVER THE TOP RIDICULOUS. From an eHow article: The morbidly obese live a lifestyle that is significantly impaired by their weight; most can't move without assistance. Uh, I power walked all over a university campus this afternoon, several times, and took my son on a bike ride this evening. Those are normal things for me to do multiple times per week.
My Health Psychology textbook talks about the health risks of morbid obesity, and they include things like not being able to have imaging tests penetrate your fat, or have a blood pressure cuff fit, or sit in a normal wheelchair if you have an accident (I've never had any issue with any of these things - and I get my blood pressure taken A LOT these past months. FYI, it's low normal). They also go on about how the morbidly obese often can't see a doctor since it's so hard to get in and out of cars, or the offices themselves.
Perhaps we need to change the cut off ranges or something, because I have no idea what they are on about. I live in the fucking car and at doctor's offices, unfortunately, and for non-fat related reasons :p I suppose that since "morbid obesity" includes both 235 pound people and 935 pound people (and right on up to infinity), it's easy to say "most"? I dunno, man.
ANYWAY.
On a tangential note, I have finally had enough B12 shots to feel like I can exercise! Because while basic mobility was not a logistical issue, I have just had zero energy + constant joint pain while anemic, and most of all NO AIR to exercise with (B12 is necessary for the production of red blood cells, which carry oxygen throughout your body). Restarting C25K Sunday was soooooo different than when I started for the first time, last August. That whole debacle makes so much more sense to me now! I have normal "hard exercise" symptoms, now, like sweating a little and muscle soreness the next day. Not I-am-going-to-die breathing issues. Breathing was my main issue before, with joint pain as a second. Way better! "Just" sweating and having muscle soreness seems like a freakin' breeze.
And I almost never have any "resting pain" at all now. It's pretty awesome and still sometimes just astounds me.
I started writing a long, rambling entry one day last week, about all kinds of things, that got closed but auto-saved with the site. I got too busy teaching children and running around to ever finish it, and am not sure it's very interesting anyway, but
There are times when I am so impressed by community, and the efforts that people make. This morning, dropping Isaac off, his whole charter school was turning in their science fair projects. Every year they do them over the course of a month, in a school-wide way, so for weeks now it's been time to write up his hypothesis or to type out his fact sources or to actually do the experiment itself. Today, the project boards are getting turned in. Which means that the normal school traffic and drop off area were filled with parents walking kids in and everyone holding giant things - the boards themselves, but also a lightbulb on a stick tied to a brick, and a big box covered in aluminum foil, and a carefully balanced display of magnets, and so on.
I guess I just didn't really see adults doing academic or child-oriented things, as a kid. We as a family have definitely participated in science fairs before, both with our homeschool group and with this school. There are moments, though, when all of a sudden I look around, in a situation like that, and see that it's dozens of teachers and hundreds of parents all working together -individually and with classes, there and at home - so that every one of these kids can learn the scientific method. They get to do something above and beyond the "core curriculum" of Florida or FCAT drills because enough people believe it's worthwhile to. <---His school does all kinds of above and beyond things, but I don't always think about it in these terms. When I am struck by it, it makes me want to just start hugging everyone there that I see.
I used to sit amazed in church, as a high schooler, that there were actually adults, real grownups, who were coming in for board meetings and choir practice and stuff just because those things...were important to them. I had never seen grownups actively do scheduled things that didn't involve a paycheck, just because they wanted to. Even though it could be a pain or a sacrifice, and nobody was making them.
This ties in with my feelings about parenting, by the way - people online like to assume I am really capital-j Judging other parents who formula feed, use disposable diapers, put their baby in a crib, send their kid to school, go through McDonald's, whatever. But I am really fucking not. I like to see all sides of things and understand what is optimal when there is an objective "optimal," yes. I also think there is real value in everyone being honest about statistics and facts because, for instance, breastfeeding really has does have huge health benefits, many people don't even know about cloth diapering options or slings or whatever else...I have a serious problem with people who try to stifle or gloss over information for the sake of sparing feelings.
It seems obvious, though, that "information" has to gel with reality, and everyone's reality is subjective. What I mean is that when I would take 4 year old Annie two doors down to play with our neighbors who had two parents that worked fulltime, and fed the kids hot dogs cut up with american cheese, I was BLOWN AWAY by how awesome those people were. They so obviously loved their kids to death, and knew them well, and cared about how they were doing individually. I wouldn't have made the same choices about various arbitrary shit that they did. I also don't think it ultimately matters overly much to who everybody becomes as adults. Things can be vitally important to me personally and not matter at all to someone else; I am aware of this and always have been.
I've got a friend who is kind of a cringe-worthy "proud redneck." He's married to someone with a 16 year old daughter that had a baby a year ago. He's also the foster parent of a kid who has nobody else. They smoke, and that baby has her ears pierced and a pacifier in her mouth all the time, and she's adorable, and they all eat things that totally gross me out, and have ridiculous Fox News tea party politics, and those kids are CHERISHED and have a whole support system of love with all these proud adults taking pictures of every milestone. They're luckier than a whole lot of kids out there, most kids from a global/historical perspective.
I don't know if this is making sense. It's not mutually exclusive to argue for facts to be out there available, and for everyone to do the best they can, and to still know we're all human beings with limitations and free will. I think part of the disconnect between how people interpret me online and how I actually interact with others in "the real world" is because I, myself, 1.) have had my mind changed about a lot of things by arguing online, so see real value in it that has nothing to do with "drama" or debating for the sake of itself (which exhausts me quick, honestly), and 2.) I really, really wish someone could have gone back in time and told me tons of things a decade ago that I had to learn "the hard way." About things like the risks of cesareans if you want to have a big family, food sensitivity info that could have changed Isaac's first 5 years of life radically had we known... Since I kick myself for my own previous ignorance, I see it as helpful rather than preachy when people write about stuff.
Changing the subject AGAIN, though, does anybody else get what I mean about how fucking weird it is that some people like, STAY STUCK on pregnancy, infancy, breastfeeding, attachment parenting (which is really something that only applies to the first years of life and is meant to set kids up to be more independent as they get older), etc? I mean when I was experiencing these things, I thought about them all the time, wrote about them, read about them, went to meetings of people who practiced them - because it was my life, it was relevant to my interests. It's overwhelming to become a mother or to have tiny people. Except...now I realize that tons of the people who were obsessive about birth or running La Leche League meetings when I was into that shit DIDN'T HAVE BABIES OR TODDLERS OR EVEN PRESCHOOLERS. Tons of the people who were having babies with me have 10 year olds now, but... they are still fucking talking about breastfeeding and slings and co-sleeping all these years later. All day every day on facebook, vaccination dangers! Why crying it out is evil! I don't mean occasional shares since there's a new study or something, I mean "lifestyle" birth/AP/whatever people.
I get invited to film screenings and lectures at birth centers, and "baby wearing fairs," and people share pics of babies on my fb wall and it's like...no. Just no, maybe even hell no. I don't want to get stuck in that place and make the rest of my life about it.
There are passionate advocates for change out there who are doing good for people and I don't mean to offend them. They did good for me, I should probably be more grateful. What specifically confounds me is parents who continue to exist in the newborn sphere as their own kids age further and further out of it. Like, you know, my sister talked about almost nothing but breastfeeding troubles when she was having breastfeeding troubles. Now, though, she talks about almost nothing but schooling choices, picky eaters and sibling bickering. Because life moves on.
Ok, since I walked away from this rambling entry I woke up all my other children, took Elisey with me to get a shot, took her on a little date to Panera, and (FINALLY) got a call back from my gastro's office.
Aside from enjoying her company, I am so frustrated right now.
The nurse who was doing my "lab appt" (in and out, no waiting, you don't see a doctor) said that she didn't see an order for a blood draw on my chart. I explained that Dr Milligan wanted to check it after a month before the shot, to see how much my level dropped during that time. She basically just repeated herself about not seeing it there. The way this works is, I can make a big fuss about it and get an appt to see the doctor - it would probably be Monday and it's routine to wait 3 hours there. Then I hash it out with the doctor, who I don't really see eye to eye with or feel listened to by on this issue anyway, and get a new lap appt set up for probably Wednesday, since I'm in school on Tuesday. Except then my whole week is being devoured, and I already live at the fucking doctor and I'd rather have the shot sooner than later, and that's just a freaking pain. So I let her repeat herself and stare at me and act weird and tense when I was being totally polite, and then just got my shot and left.
Likewise, it was not my actual gastro but his assistant, who called me back. I've been playing phone tag with the assistant and their nurse practioner for 2.5 weeks now. Anyway, she's acting like in order to get a letter for FIU explaining my diagnosis I have to make an appt (i.e., spend hundreds of dollars since we're past the first of the year and my deductibles are high again). I also need an appt to talk to the doc about the diagnosis and my GP's unwillingness to honor it (explained in previous entries). AND, the soonest appt is March 17. Super awesome. Honestly, I have 6 months to get the letter for FIU, so that's not a deal breaker, although I would like to have the "how often should I really be having these shots, and should I switch docs" talk before that long passes. Mostly I just hate how weirdly inaccessible doctors are and how stone-walling and unhelpful their bouncers can be. Gah. It was the assistant who called me with the blood test results and explained pernicious anemia to begin with, I've never actually spoken to my doctor about it.
I just keep thinking to myself that I am in such a privileged position with all of this - we have great insurance, enough money, reliable transportation, I don't have social anxiety or language barriers (very common in this area) and my schedule is pretty flexible...and even still it's this freaking hard for me, aggressively pursuing answers and help every step of the way. How in the hell do people who can't stand talking on the phone, or can't take time off from work to sit in waiting rooms constantly, or ARE BROKE, not just die of whatever they've got?! I mean it really makes sense to me, that in the pernicious anemia forums online everyone is like, "I was diagnosed when I lost the ability to walk and was inpatient with a team assigned to my case."
*deep breath*
no subject
no subject
no subject
(Anonymous) 2014-02-05 09:19 pm (UTC)(link)- I am so so happy the B12 is working and you're feeling better.
- Between this post and the issue over the diagnosis, YOU NEED A NEW PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR. I mean, sure there are doctors who are EVEN WORSE, but your doctor/her practice sucks. When Dr. Google is smarter than your doctor by THIS MUCH, and you are going to be dealing with a chronic-but-manageable, relatively straightforward, relatively well understood and documented ailment for the rest of your life--AN AILMENT THAT YOUR DOCTOR THINKS DOESN'T EXIST--then it is time for a different doctor. I know finding a new doctor entails a certain amount of extra short-term hassle, but honestly, it will be worth it, because once you get a better doctor there will be fewer hassles for, like, years. Yeah, crazy hassles to see a specialist are pretty normal, but you just should not be dealing with any of what you're describing to get primary care. It's not normal.
Now, none of this may apply if you're moving in a matter of months, but I had to get it off my chest... when you can't jump in with unsolicited advice, that will be the day LJ is truly dead.
-the artist formerly known on LJ as aranel
no subject