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Feb. 24th, 2011 02:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameElise may be the only person in this house with a firm grasp on reality :p
Earlier today she was talking to me about families. She said, "Me and you, Daddy, Annie, Aaron, I-yaac, Akey family, right?" "Yep," I replied. "Uncle Bob no family" she added, in a tone that implied this was obvious and silly to even state. "Uncle Bob is our family!" I said, and I tried to explain the difference between an "immediate" or "close" family and an extended family, and relatives, with examples of other aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. She said, as though it was in her favor, "But Uncle Bob no love me." She was not sad about it, it was like if she said, "The van is blue". I told her he does and she acted like I was an idiot and as we talked it out it was obvious that as Bob does not hug, kiss, tickle, or otherwise physically interact with her...OR get excited about her in real or faked ways...OR smile back at her, etc...she feels that he is not (verb) "love"ing her, and is ok with that, and I wondered how much I should really argue about the point. BUT THEN she said, "Cuz we found Uncle Bob, buy him, he here." "Uh, come again? You think we bought Uncle Bob?" "Find him where he was before, and pay money, get him our home".
Basically she sees my brother as our indentured servant. I am probably a bad person for finding this HILARIOUS BEYOND ALL RECKONING and laughing until I cried. To my credit, I did then try to explain to her that Bob grew up with me, and we were both Grandma's kids, and he's just living with us for awhile so he can go to JobCorps, etc. She wasn't having it though (he looks totally different than Laura and I and acts polar opposite from either of us...sigh).
Later tonight she saw my Yahoo! avatar when I was checking my email and asked, "Who that is?" I told her it's supposed to be like a cartoon version of me but that I know it doesn't really look like me at all. She said, "No, cuz you - wait no say that cuz mean!" She stopped herself from finishing because she didn't want to be mean. I told her you shouldn't tell people things just to be mean but that she can be honest with me and I'm ok with it. "Well...you more fat." Ha! I swear.
It blows my mind, the dichotomy between her simplistic speech and her complex ideas.
I have been having a variety of problems adding up to a sort of malaise I'm struggling with. Including but possibly not limited to:
-Questioning my faith and persuing but hesitating over Catholicism
-my unrequited nymphomania
-a resurgence of weird PTSD things that are mostly manifesting as bizarre and innapropriate emotional responses to situations that should not be bugging me
-small but persistent struggles in my marriage
-my "restless energy", which is all tied up with realizing how little I've done in the last couple of years and the changes I'm trying to make in my life, which require seeing how far I have to go...
Really all these things overlap and intertwine and I'm not saying the half of it, but. I have been moody, and as I talk things out with friends and go round and round with Grant and search myself and try to take it one day at a time, I keep finding myself more and more open to all kinds of ideas and concepts I didn't use to be - from drinking and getting tattoos to questioning previously fundamental stuff and putting my kids in school. Quarter life crisis, I don't know...I get really, really deeply and profoundly overwhelmed at times, or feel sure I'm failing in big ways. It can get pretty dark.
I am taking steps to try to "get better", all kinds of steps LIKE
-just got a YMCA membership so I can start swimming/excercising away some of this angst
-trying to find more writing and agent stalking time as that helps tremendously
-dragging myself to church every week and praying at least sometimes whether I want to or not
-doing Eat to Live every other month this year to hopefully improve my weight and health
-just got back in touch with an old counselor looking for free/cheap resources so I can talk to somebody
-trying to do whatever I can "for me" that works within our family - like, my friend Jess came down and stayed at our house for a couple of days during which I was out with her a lot, and we went and got my nose repierced and I LOVE it. Last night I went to a "Healing From Traumatic Birth" workshop Nancy was holding (she's having her yearly month in Fl)
But I still suck to be around sometimes, and when questioned I still have a lot of tired and repetetive answers, and I am not really sure it's getting any better or even not getting worse, as things stand.
The point of this whole section of this entry is that Grant updated his facebook saying for people to pray for his wife as she needs healing. And I love him. And I understand he meant it in the most sincere and honest way. And I am really not even mad at him for it.
BUT, I have already had five different (in some cases very awkward) people im'ing me wondering what is wrong and my mother calling on the phone in a tizzy. I haven't been writing about this on the internet that much - and certainly not on facebook - because I don't want to write about it on the internet, and certainly not on facebook. This is an ongoing source of tension between us, because he wants to be able to be freely honest online just like I am, but his honesty frequently crosses my comfort zones, and then I feel like it's not fair to control him when it's not like I go asking permission to talk about our family here (to a much broader audience). I hated his formspring, and sometimes I hate his lj, which I know is not fair, but I can't exactly help it. People inevitably go to him from here hoping for info I would not release but that he might let slip and it's irritating as shit.
Blah.
My day today went:
-get up at 7, bleary eyed from only 3 hours of sleep, and drive Grant to work (Bob still home at this hour)
-come home, wake up all the kids one by one, feed them breakfast (this is still really hard as we are still midway through pushing our family schedule back about 4+ hours earlier than it used to be)
-assign chores, get them set up with some activities, warn them about what's happening, grab the phone, and lay down for a nap that is basically impossible to even consider without my brain screaming SEX SEX SEX just because I have a quiet moment alone
-wake up SHOCKED AND FREAKED that like 5 hours had passed O_o
-go to the gas station, and the bank drive thru, with all of them, and then swing back by the house for forgotten paperwork I could not find without calling Grant at work (which is not really a big deal, but took many tries as he was not in his office)...call the IRS on the cell en route to deliver paperwork, about our tax return and some snafu. Take everyone to Target and get some much needed new clothes for Jake and Isaac, and let Isaac spend some of his birthday money.
-Everyone picking up Grant from work...when he got in the van (after I got out to hug him), Jake and Elise were asleep with their heads flopped forward in the middle row and Ananda, Aaron and Isaac were passing a cannister of nuts back and forth and reading "Beekeeping for Dummies" together.
-Sit around wasting time while he took Jake for Daddy and Jake time bike riding at the Villages
-Get frustrated with G about how neither of us wanted to do anything for like 45 minutes, then we went together (Bob was back home by this point) and took more laundry to Grant Sr's to do, ordered our new washer at Lowe's, got trash bags from WD, and talked about how miserable I am until he was truly worried
-I made a great dinner and was irritated that he played video games instead of eating it, then got over it and just enjoyed eating with the kids, then snuggled with and nursed Elise until Grant came in and Jake and Annie came in and we had a massive family bed pile that was really nice...
-enforced tooth brushing and bed going and did some reading to them as G drifted off
-putzed around on the internet and phone fielding questions about G's status update and eating strawberries with nutella
We also have to interact with my sil everytime we go do laundry, and she is OUT. OF. IT. to a degree I have never previously seen (which is saying something...) Nobody can tell if it's the methadone she's claiming to be going to get everyday or some other thing she's sneaking with the methadone money or if she had a second stroke or...what...but...whoa. There is a new insane story everytime I go over there, too, that is not really right to share.
Next up: pictures...
Earlier today she was talking to me about families. She said, "Me and you, Daddy, Annie, Aaron, I-yaac, Akey family, right?" "Yep," I replied. "Uncle Bob no family" she added, in a tone that implied this was obvious and silly to even state. "Uncle Bob is our family!" I said, and I tried to explain the difference between an "immediate" or "close" family and an extended family, and relatives, with examples of other aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. She said, as though it was in her favor, "But Uncle Bob no love me." She was not sad about it, it was like if she said, "The van is blue". I told her he does and she acted like I was an idiot and as we talked it out it was obvious that as Bob does not hug, kiss, tickle, or otherwise physically interact with her...OR get excited about her in real or faked ways...OR smile back at her, etc...she feels that he is not (verb) "love"ing her, and is ok with that, and I wondered how much I should really argue about the point. BUT THEN she said, "Cuz we found Uncle Bob, buy him, he here." "Uh, come again? You think we bought Uncle Bob?" "Find him where he was before, and pay money, get him our home".
Basically she sees my brother as our indentured servant. I am probably a bad person for finding this HILARIOUS BEYOND ALL RECKONING and laughing until I cried. To my credit, I did then try to explain to her that Bob grew up with me, and we were both Grandma's kids, and he's just living with us for awhile so he can go to JobCorps, etc. She wasn't having it though (he looks totally different than Laura and I and acts polar opposite from either of us...sigh).
Later tonight she saw my Yahoo! avatar when I was checking my email and asked, "Who that is?" I told her it's supposed to be like a cartoon version of me but that I know it doesn't really look like me at all. She said, "No, cuz you - wait no say that cuz mean!" She stopped herself from finishing because she didn't want to be mean. I told her you shouldn't tell people things just to be mean but that she can be honest with me and I'm ok with it. "Well...you more fat." Ha! I swear.
It blows my mind, the dichotomy between her simplistic speech and her complex ideas.
I have been having a variety of problems adding up to a sort of malaise I'm struggling with. Including but possibly not limited to:
-Questioning my faith and persuing but hesitating over Catholicism
-my unrequited nymphomania
-a resurgence of weird PTSD things that are mostly manifesting as bizarre and innapropriate emotional responses to situations that should not be bugging me
-small but persistent struggles in my marriage
-my "restless energy", which is all tied up with realizing how little I've done in the last couple of years and the changes I'm trying to make in my life, which require seeing how far I have to go...
Really all these things overlap and intertwine and I'm not saying the half of it, but. I have been moody, and as I talk things out with friends and go round and round with Grant and search myself and try to take it one day at a time, I keep finding myself more and more open to all kinds of ideas and concepts I didn't use to be - from drinking and getting tattoos to questioning previously fundamental stuff and putting my kids in school. Quarter life crisis, I don't know...I get really, really deeply and profoundly overwhelmed at times, or feel sure I'm failing in big ways. It can get pretty dark.
I am taking steps to try to "get better", all kinds of steps LIKE
-just got a YMCA membership so I can start swimming/excercising away some of this angst
-trying to find more writing and agent stalking time as that helps tremendously
-dragging myself to church every week and praying at least sometimes whether I want to or not
-doing Eat to Live every other month this year to hopefully improve my weight and health
-just got back in touch with an old counselor looking for free/cheap resources so I can talk to somebody
-trying to do whatever I can "for me" that works within our family - like, my friend Jess came down and stayed at our house for a couple of days during which I was out with her a lot, and we went and got my nose repierced and I LOVE it. Last night I went to a "Healing From Traumatic Birth" workshop Nancy was holding (she's having her yearly month in Fl)
But I still suck to be around sometimes, and when questioned I still have a lot of tired and repetetive answers, and I am not really sure it's getting any better or even not getting worse, as things stand.
The point of this whole section of this entry is that Grant updated his facebook saying for people to pray for his wife as she needs healing. And I love him. And I understand he meant it in the most sincere and honest way. And I am really not even mad at him for it.
BUT, I have already had five different (in some cases very awkward) people im'ing me wondering what is wrong and my mother calling on the phone in a tizzy. I haven't been writing about this on the internet that much - and certainly not on facebook - because I don't want to write about it on the internet, and certainly not on facebook. This is an ongoing source of tension between us, because he wants to be able to be freely honest online just like I am, but his honesty frequently crosses my comfort zones, and then I feel like it's not fair to control him when it's not like I go asking permission to talk about our family here (to a much broader audience). I hated his formspring, and sometimes I hate his lj, which I know is not fair, but I can't exactly help it. People inevitably go to him from here hoping for info I would not release but that he might let slip and it's irritating as shit.
Blah.
My day today went:
-get up at 7, bleary eyed from only 3 hours of sleep, and drive Grant to work (Bob still home at this hour)
-come home, wake up all the kids one by one, feed them breakfast (this is still really hard as we are still midway through pushing our family schedule back about 4+ hours earlier than it used to be)
-assign chores, get them set up with some activities, warn them about what's happening, grab the phone, and lay down for a nap that is basically impossible to even consider without my brain screaming SEX SEX SEX just because I have a quiet moment alone
-wake up SHOCKED AND FREAKED that like 5 hours had passed O_o
-go to the gas station, and the bank drive thru, with all of them, and then swing back by the house for forgotten paperwork I could not find without calling Grant at work (which is not really a big deal, but took many tries as he was not in his office)...call the IRS on the cell en route to deliver paperwork, about our tax return and some snafu. Take everyone to Target and get some much needed new clothes for Jake and Isaac, and let Isaac spend some of his birthday money.
-Everyone picking up Grant from work...when he got in the van (after I got out to hug him), Jake and Elise were asleep with their heads flopped forward in the middle row and Ananda, Aaron and Isaac were passing a cannister of nuts back and forth and reading "Beekeeping for Dummies" together.
-Sit around wasting time while he took Jake for Daddy and Jake time bike riding at the Villages
-Get frustrated with G about how neither of us wanted to do anything for like 45 minutes, then we went together (Bob was back home by this point) and took more laundry to Grant Sr's to do, ordered our new washer at Lowe's, got trash bags from WD, and talked about how miserable I am until he was truly worried
-I made a great dinner and was irritated that he played video games instead of eating it, then got over it and just enjoyed eating with the kids, then snuggled with and nursed Elise until Grant came in and Jake and Annie came in and we had a massive family bed pile that was really nice...
-enforced tooth brushing and bed going and did some reading to them as G drifted off
-putzed around on the internet and phone fielding questions about G's status update and eating strawberries with nutella
We also have to interact with my sil everytime we go do laundry, and she is OUT. OF. IT. to a degree I have never previously seen (which is saying something...) Nobody can tell if it's the methadone she's claiming to be going to get everyday or some other thing she's sneaking with the methadone money or if she had a second stroke or...what...but...whoa. There is a new insane story everytime I go over there, too, that is not really right to share.
Next up: pictures...
