I think it makes total sense. I know what you mean that it isn't an intellectual decision. For me, I had a lot of doubts before the PTSD, but I managed to keep them tucked away in the back of my mind so I wouldn't have to face the difficulties of leaving my religion. But, after the PTSD I no longer had that ability. I can no longer keep doubts at bay in pretty much all areas of my life. I'm not sure why that is, maybe it's the hypervigilance? I'm constantly looking for sources of trouble now, whereas before it didn't occur to me that something that felt safe and secure could suddenly become traumatic and horrifying. Now that I know that, nothing seems safe from that realty. Eventually I had to look at my religion through intellectual eyes, and I made a very conscious choice to do that knowing where it would probably lead me. The anxiety of keeping all those conflicting ideas afloat just became too much for me to manage and I needed a way out. Like I said though, my situation was much more extreme.
I get that you would not want to give up Christianity, but maybe trying to follow one specific path is going to be hard for now. Maybe it will always be hard. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I don't see the doubts ever really going away once they've taken such strong hold that you might not even want to raise your kids as Catholic. I guess what I am saying is that the conflict you are feeling now might always be there as long as you are trying to submit to something that causes doubts to surface. Pre-PTSD, you might have been able to suppress those doubts, but post-PTSD it is going to be really hard to do. If those doubts don't go away, it seems like your choice is whether you can live with that conflict or not. If not, then finding ways to relieve it would seem appropriate.
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Date: 2011-02-23 07:52 pm (UTC)I get that you would not want to give up Christianity, but maybe trying to follow one specific path is going to be hard for now. Maybe it will always be hard. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I don't see the doubts ever really going away once they've taken such strong hold that you might not even want to raise your kids as Catholic. I guess what I am saying is that the conflict you are feeling now might always be there as long as you are trying to submit to something that causes doubts to surface. Pre-PTSD, you might have been able to suppress those doubts, but post-PTSD it is going to be really hard to do. If those doubts don't go away, it seems like your choice is whether you can live with that conflict or not. If not, then finding ways to relieve it would seem appropriate.