Those dreams make a lot of sense to me based on the spiritual and emotional issues you have been talking about for the past few months. You are coming to terms with the altered state you have been in for the past few years due to PTSD and the multiple traumas that caused it. I think that you were so "other" focused for so long that you are now swinging the other way and being more "self" focused, as a way of achieving balance. Even though this is a natural and healthy emotional reaction, and will swing back to the middle soon, you are such a generally good and loving person that you have guilt over feeling selfish. Does that make sense? I think the dreams are representative of the two extremes, extreme selflessness and extreme selfishness, and are your mind's way of coping with those feelings. I think it will work itself out with some time, and with a reasonable amount of indulgence of the selfish phase.
I also think the religion and spiritual quest issues that you are dealing with are all tied up in this trauma and healing on some levels. It's like a combination of your intellectual search for spiritual relevance, coupled with a deep sense of the existence of the divine, along with a sense that they way you used to worship isn't enough on some level. I wonder what your spiritual life was like before the multiple traumas--I didn't know you then.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-02-22 04:42 am (UTC)Those dreams make a lot of sense to me based on the spiritual and emotional issues you have been talking about for the past few months. You are coming to terms with the altered state you have been in for the past few years due to PTSD and the multiple traumas that caused it. I think that you were so "other" focused for so long that you are now swinging the other way and being more "self" focused, as a way of achieving balance. Even though this is a natural and healthy emotional reaction, and will swing back to the middle soon, you are such a generally good and loving person that you have guilt over feeling selfish. Does that make sense? I think the dreams are representative of the two extremes, extreme selflessness and extreme selfishness, and are your mind's way of coping with those feelings. I think it will work itself out with some time, and with a reasonable amount of indulgence of the selfish phase.
I also think the religion and spiritual quest issues that you are dealing with are all tied up in this trauma and healing on some levels. It's like a combination of your intellectual search for spiritual relevance, coupled with a deep sense of the existence of the divine, along with a sense that they way you used to worship isn't enough on some level. I wonder what your spiritual life was like before the multiple traumas--I didn't know you then.