All over the place.
Dec. 12th, 2009 04:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameWe are deeply immersed in the Christmas season.
A few days ago, it was St Nicholas day, and Isaac and I read books about St Nicholas that led to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall kinds of conversation, and set up our whole nativity set, just the two of us.
Last night, the kids and I went to a big Tree Lighting the city put on - it was outside in a park with a bandshell and involved choir and dance company performances from local schools as well as Santa Claus and all the free candy canes people could eat, followed by a hugely projected movie we all sat around on blankets and in camping chairs to watch (classic Rudolph). It was pretty fun - we saw some adult people we knew and a few of my older kids' friends were there for them to run around with, and Grant was able to join us for the movie part.
Tonight, we went to St Louis for their Family Adoration Ministry, which aside from adoring the blessed sacrament involved prayers, singing and everyone bringing the Baby Jesus part of their nativity sets to be blessed, which my kids thought was awesome. Ananda and Aaron were pestering me about when we were going to get to go do this 5 times a day since we heard about it during Mass on Sunday morning. They were actually all eager for turns holding it on the way up and back, Elise was clutching this porcelain infant to her chest and kissing it's head the whole way up in the van. This was another "Grant met us there right after work" event.
A and A pooled their money to get a 3.5 foot (live) table top tree the other day when we were grocery shopping. Last year I scored this box of about 30 bird ornaments, all clear, white or frosted glass, in many different shapes and types - for $10 with shipping, from eBay. So this tree is on our bar is the bird themed tree, with white lights. We just decorated it tonight. This is as opposed to the large main Christmas tree we have in the library, which my mother was kind enough to buy for us, and is 6', covered in colored lights and hodge-podged crafted ornaments (mostly tri-bead-on-pipe-cleaner candy canes, and actual candy canes googly eyed and pipe cleaner'd into looking like reindeers).
I am loving Advent this year. And I'm glad we're getting a lot out of it as a season, because Christmas itself is going to be so different. Grant has to work Christmas Eve, we're not going to Nana and Pa's, and we can't afford "big" Christmas presents by any stretch of the imagination...we kind of can't afford any, but I had already done a lot of shopping before our biggest financial woes hit (sounds ironic, doesn't it?).
It's like;
Annie has a cuorduroy owl tote bag; black tights with peace signs on them; a boxed E.B. White book trilogy, as well as 2 single books (Henry and Beezus and a very well done Rapunzel, after her middle name); a (costume, cool) owl necklace; a nightgown that matches a smaller one we got Elise; a robe like she's been asking for; and these felt letters that spell out her name that I've finally finished, to hang by her bed.
This is about the level everyone is at; Aaron's getting a couple of Choose Your Own Adventure books; this small plaster molding kit; a set of wooden brain teasers; a couple of clothing items; and a love letter pillow like he's always wanted, made by me - his will be a star shape, in shades of green and black. Isaac has a big floor puzzle of a castle; some flashcard type game I know he'll like; 3 different books including a ladybug one, a bunch more Pooh stories by an alternate author, and Walter the Farting Dog, which he will DIE over; and the flowered vine he wants for over his bed, crocheted by me.
I wasn't going to list everyone's but since I'm down to it, we have a Scholastic video set for Jake (he LOVES those Reading Rainbow style "about a book" dvds), a little boxed set of mini-Eric Carle books (he also loves tiny books), along with a vintage copy I got used of The Gingerbread Man; a bowling set; and a blanket made by me. For Elise - an outfit; sunglasses; tiny adorable purse; Tale of Jemima Puddleduck by Beatrix Potter; tiny boardbook about birds; nightgown that matches Annie's; waldorf doll made by me. Everyone gets flannel pajamas on Christmas Eve to wear to bed, and a wooden robot made by Daddy in their stocking.
So I know that is awesome, and Grandparents will be gifting too, but I am a little dissapointed because I really, REALLY wanted to get the three oldest kids bikes and there's just no way, now. A and A have really outgrown theirs and Isaac has never had one (non-trike) - we do a LOT of bike riding. There aren't really going to be "big" gifts.
There are a lot of good new things to replace good old things, like Nana and Pa's and Big Gifts, though...extra church services and Midnight Mass, extra driving to see lights, extra trees in our house (we scored a mini fake tree for ONE DOLLAR at Goodwill awhile back for the little kids' room, so now both kids' rooms have 2' trees in them covered in crafted candy canes). Grant is also using some stored up paid vacation time immediately following Christmas, to give each kid a day alone with Dad, and that is something that seriously makes them FLIP.
Alright. I just spent like 2 hours out on the couch in the tv room with Aaron, who sometimes ends up awake in the middle of the night while everyone else sleeps, and then we get this amazing time just the two of us. We read the first 3 chapters of Hatchett, stopping often to talk about everything it made him think, while wrapped up in his blanket together on the couch with his cat on top of us. I'll let him sleep in tomorrow...
Random stuff from my sleep-fogged brain:
-We cut Jake's giant awesome fro off today. It was just too much, hanging in his eyes and getting big flat patches. We found some matted clay in it last night? I mean, really... Mostly, he was asking us to cut it everyday. I was really sad initially but he LOVES his "regular" haircut, now. I ended up trimming Isaac's while I was at it, and I'm glad to say I've gotten way better with the clippers and tapered lengths and haircuts that make sense...
I had this crazy breakthrough the other day with my brother. Basically I was able to communicate completely freely and confidently with him about boundaries and rules and consequences without him getting mad and without me feeling sick about it. This was about how he has to get a job if he wants to stay here, we are sticking with the original mutually agreed upon guidelines that give him about 2 more weeks, and he needs to lower his expectations or change his strategies as far as jobs go. He was trying to tell me he was "compromising" with me by applying to a grocery store, but was no way willing to consider other additional grocery stores, or dollar stores. I was like, dude, I am compromising with you by NOT making you go get a job at a fast food place or washing dishes or cutting grass - you could be hired at something like that TOMORROW, this grocery store/dollar tree stuff is easy street. He basically wants to be at either a reptile store or a Game Stop, but there's just no way based on geography and who's hiring. It was the first real "Bob, you dropped out of high school and have done nothing since then except study for the GED for awhile and then let it go...if you don't go to at least trade school or some kind of certification program, you're basically stuck at shit jobs your whole life, that's life" conversation we've really had (paraphrased). He did a lot of listening, though, and seemed thoughtful about it enough to be worried. I was telling him for instance that my Dad is lucky enough to at least really love his job as a cab driver, but he's still constantly worried about money and barely not being evicted. We just spent awhile hanging out with my Dad together and Bob paid a lot of attention to him... Internships were brought up again, and JobCorps - it was great, and even culminated in my sister and Frank driving him around to job hunt for hours afterward.
ON THE OTHER HAND, he seems to have completely let it all fall by the wayside since then after stumbling upon very few leads and halfheartedly giving up on the ones he did. He sat around all day yesterday, and then literally came out of his room and away from his game play only 3 times today - he's permanently warped one of our camping chairs and is complaining of serious back pain again, now.
I repeated my previous lecture about the perils of sitting in one spot in a crappy chair all day long and the very real injury it leads to, importance of stretching and movement, harkening back to when Grant first got an office job and then ended up laid up for months after some skateboard stunts his body wasn't prepared for anymore...he came to me asking what I thought could be wrong, and he has done this before (that was the first time I told him how companies with cubicles actually make their employees sit through seminars about this issue). But he has this insanely annoying way of deflecting anything you say that could possibly lead to him changing his behavior with irrelevant excuses. Like,
Me: (all that about sitting and messed up backs)
Him: I do know that, but this time all the pain is on one side and just started.
Me: Well, yeah, you were using a different chair than before and were probably in a new position.
Him: I did actually think there could be something to that, but then when I stood up it kind of changed and now I'm wondering what is really going on.
Me: When you move is usually when you start to feel the pain, though. I guess that sounds weird, but your muscles are tightening up in the position you're stuck in while you sit still for so long,and then when you stand it pulls everything suddenly - which can hurt.
Him: *sneering in this weird way* I know what you're saying, and I'm not saying it couldn't be that, but like ALL of the pain is in this fist sized ball right here, and...
Me: (mentally) GTFO.
We've talked about this deflection-excuse tendency, too, and I could tell he was surprised to realize he does it constantly because he caught himself doing it A LOT, to where he laughed some, right as I pointed it out...but he's nowhere near being self-aware enough to spot it without me pointing it out, and it's not always a good time to point it out, with him.
So yeah, not sure about anything with all that. Like for instance he never wants to go anywhere we're going. If all 7 of us go, we don't have a seat for him anyway, but it's frequently just the kids and I in the van. I can MAKE him go with some prodding, but between his hesitation and my desire to have a break from him it doesn't always seem worth the effort. I do always invite him or mention that he could come - he says no or "I'm alright" or "That's not my cup of tea". I mean the effort to force him and then deal with his resentment doesn't seem worth it. Then I feel like I really should be taking him to Christmas Tree Lightings and the library and places like that, even if I'm not gonna drag him kicking and screaming to church. When he does come somewhere, he immediately starts asking about putting his death metal on in the van despite me telling him 37 million times that the van is my place to play my music and he can listen to whatever he wants in his room. And/or, he wants to sit in the van listening to music while we go in wherever we are, and just wait for us to be done so he can suffer through the ride home with my stuff on.
This is a big source of contention: he really doesn't hesitate to ask for unreasonable stuff all the time. There's no sense of feeling embarassed or worry about being entitled, at all. He was over at my sister's yesterday and getting mad at her because she couldn't come look at YouTube videos while she gave Brian a bath, and thought it was too cold out to take him swimming. This was after making her sit at the table with him for an hour or more, listening to the iPod docking station he had brought as he went through song after rage-filled song. She even allowed him to play stuff she's really not into while they ate dinner. Note that my sister is at an all time high weight and less than a month from her due date and not obligated to humor anyone in any regard.
I'm going to sit down at the dining table with some paper and pens with him tomorrow, and make some stuff seem real to him; places he's gotten a no from, a maybe, and an app, for work, for instance. Places he should still go apply at. Day by day to-do lists as far as follow-ups and inquiries - all underscored by how many days he has left, and how many he's wasted.
I am torn between feeling like a total unfeeling hardass, and feeling like someone has to be consistent and show some follow through with this kid at some point in his life. Grant has suggested that it might be reasonable to spend a week at a time working only on behavioral traits and attitude with him, with work on the wayside - but aside from the fact that neither of us is really sure that would be helpful, we straight up cannot afford having him here if he can't contribute...every small thing, be it (mostly) the groceries, gas for carting him around, his extra electricity, the Christmas presents I'll feel he has to have at least one or two of us as well since he's watching the kids open stuff, the three things he's already broken (the button that opens/closes the hatch of the van, a plate and I can't remember right now what the other one was)... Also, lame as I feel for it, I am an introvert who is caring for a lot of people and while I do want to help him, I NEED the break of him leaving the house to go to work sometimes. Days like today, when he's in the room all day behind a closed door, it's just a shadow on the house of what he SHOULD be doing and how I SHOULD be nagging him - other times it's a mixture of his general innapropriateness (burps that sound YELLED and actually echo, asking for everything, arguing with me about whether or not the kids can watch questionable movie/view questionable image seach/listen to questionable song) and stuff that isn't "bad" but just annoys ME, regardless (putting his ice cold water bottle on my back while I do the dishes, flinging droplets of water by me as I walk by the sink when he's using it, teaching my kids to say "Duh").
Yes, yes I did need to rant. It actually helps a lot.
I mean a week ago, one night, Grant and I went out on the deck once the kids were in bed to watch The Office on my laptop on the deck swing. We heard the kids a couple of times in small ways, but then they quieted, whatever. Nobody ever came out to get us. He went to bed shortly after, me way later, but I didn't see Bob. The next morning Bob was quiet but visibly PISSED, like stomping around with his fists balled up and giving walls dirty looks but not making eye contact with anyone. I was like, "bob, what's the matter?" and he shook his head in a "nothing" way before going back in his room. I asked two other times in different ways when I saw him again, and finally - at almost evening - knocked on his door and sat on his bed to try to talk to him. Then AT DINNER he tells us the main thing bugging him all this time, that he's been showing his ass about, is that Elise was crying the night before about Jake bothering her and we were nowhere to be found. He said this as though I should be ashamed of myself or something? I was like, yeah, they argue at night sometimes Bob. If she's hurt or whatever, she comes and gets me. We were right on the deck and can hear crying through the doors. He was kind of eye-rolling, hand waving dismissive and listed other petty concerns, like how he hadn't wanted to be reminded of job searching that day and I should know by now that he doesn't talk about things when he's mad.
Again (in my mind): GTFO!
I'm sure I have more to say, but I'm too tired.
I keep thinking that I should have had very different standards for him initially coming down. I should have made it really clear that he'd have two hours per day on the computer and be going places with us and eating what we eat at meals within reason and all sorts of things that I just...didn't. Because when I try to imagine how we're supposed to be tackling the massive amounts of healing and growing he should be doing as things are, it's not adding up. But when I talk to him about why I'm considering real changes in the overall rules, he's not open to it or into it AT ALL - Grant talks about how he can see him killing himself if we limited his video games too strictly and I, at least, think he would shut down and give up if I just said, "From now on you have to take at least 3 showers a week, brush your teeth twice a day, eat with us at meals and leave the house at least once a day".
Game Plan For Tomorrow:
-pray for me and him
-Call Michelle (my friend the life coach) about when Bob and I can come talk to her
-talk to Bob with paper and pen about jobs and deadlines
-email him that link about the coping skills online thing
-talk to him about meeting with Michelle
-re-evaluate based on his reactions to all these things
A few days ago, it was St Nicholas day, and Isaac and I read books about St Nicholas that led to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall kinds of conversation, and set up our whole nativity set, just the two of us.
Last night, the kids and I went to a big Tree Lighting the city put on - it was outside in a park with a bandshell and involved choir and dance company performances from local schools as well as Santa Claus and all the free candy canes people could eat, followed by a hugely projected movie we all sat around on blankets and in camping chairs to watch (classic Rudolph). It was pretty fun - we saw some adult people we knew and a few of my older kids' friends were there for them to run around with, and Grant was able to join us for the movie part.
Tonight, we went to St Louis for their Family Adoration Ministry, which aside from adoring the blessed sacrament involved prayers, singing and everyone bringing the Baby Jesus part of their nativity sets to be blessed, which my kids thought was awesome. Ananda and Aaron were pestering me about when we were going to get to go do this 5 times a day since we heard about it during Mass on Sunday morning. They were actually all eager for turns holding it on the way up and back, Elise was clutching this porcelain infant to her chest and kissing it's head the whole way up in the van. This was another "Grant met us there right after work" event.
A and A pooled their money to get a 3.5 foot (live) table top tree the other day when we were grocery shopping. Last year I scored this box of about 30 bird ornaments, all clear, white or frosted glass, in many different shapes and types - for $10 with shipping, from eBay. So this tree is on our bar is the bird themed tree, with white lights. We just decorated it tonight. This is as opposed to the large main Christmas tree we have in the library, which my mother was kind enough to buy for us, and is 6', covered in colored lights and hodge-podged crafted ornaments (mostly tri-bead-on-pipe-cleaner candy canes, and actual candy canes googly eyed and pipe cleaner'd into looking like reindeers).
I am loving Advent this year. And I'm glad we're getting a lot out of it as a season, because Christmas itself is going to be so different. Grant has to work Christmas Eve, we're not going to Nana and Pa's, and we can't afford "big" Christmas presents by any stretch of the imagination...we kind of can't afford any, but I had already done a lot of shopping before our biggest financial woes hit (sounds ironic, doesn't it?).
It's like;
Annie has a cuorduroy owl tote bag; black tights with peace signs on them; a boxed E.B. White book trilogy, as well as 2 single books (Henry and Beezus and a very well done Rapunzel, after her middle name); a (costume, cool) owl necklace; a nightgown that matches a smaller one we got Elise; a robe like she's been asking for; and these felt letters that spell out her name that I've finally finished, to hang by her bed.
This is about the level everyone is at; Aaron's getting a couple of Choose Your Own Adventure books; this small plaster molding kit; a set of wooden brain teasers; a couple of clothing items; and a love letter pillow like he's always wanted, made by me - his will be a star shape, in shades of green and black. Isaac has a big floor puzzle of a castle; some flashcard type game I know he'll like; 3 different books including a ladybug one, a bunch more Pooh stories by an alternate author, and Walter the Farting Dog, which he will DIE over; and the flowered vine he wants for over his bed, crocheted by me.
I wasn't going to list everyone's but since I'm down to it, we have a Scholastic video set for Jake (he LOVES those Reading Rainbow style "about a book" dvds), a little boxed set of mini-Eric Carle books (he also loves tiny books), along with a vintage copy I got used of The Gingerbread Man; a bowling set; and a blanket made by me. For Elise - an outfit; sunglasses; tiny adorable purse; Tale of Jemima Puddleduck by Beatrix Potter; tiny boardbook about birds; nightgown that matches Annie's; waldorf doll made by me. Everyone gets flannel pajamas on Christmas Eve to wear to bed, and a wooden robot made by Daddy in their stocking.
So I know that is awesome, and Grandparents will be gifting too, but I am a little dissapointed because I really, REALLY wanted to get the three oldest kids bikes and there's just no way, now. A and A have really outgrown theirs and Isaac has never had one (non-trike) - we do a LOT of bike riding. There aren't really going to be "big" gifts.
There are a lot of good new things to replace good old things, like Nana and Pa's and Big Gifts, though...extra church services and Midnight Mass, extra driving to see lights, extra trees in our house (we scored a mini fake tree for ONE DOLLAR at Goodwill awhile back for the little kids' room, so now both kids' rooms have 2' trees in them covered in crafted candy canes). Grant is also using some stored up paid vacation time immediately following Christmas, to give each kid a day alone with Dad, and that is something that seriously makes them FLIP.
Alright. I just spent like 2 hours out on the couch in the tv room with Aaron, who sometimes ends up awake in the middle of the night while everyone else sleeps, and then we get this amazing time just the two of us. We read the first 3 chapters of Hatchett, stopping often to talk about everything it made him think, while wrapped up in his blanket together on the couch with his cat on top of us. I'll let him sleep in tomorrow...
Random stuff from my sleep-fogged brain:
-We cut Jake's giant awesome fro off today. It was just too much, hanging in his eyes and getting big flat patches. We found some matted clay in it last night? I mean, really... Mostly, he was asking us to cut it everyday. I was really sad initially but he LOVES his "regular" haircut, now. I ended up trimming Isaac's while I was at it, and I'm glad to say I've gotten way better with the clippers and tapered lengths and haircuts that make sense...
I had this crazy breakthrough the other day with my brother. Basically I was able to communicate completely freely and confidently with him about boundaries and rules and consequences without him getting mad and without me feeling sick about it. This was about how he has to get a job if he wants to stay here, we are sticking with the original mutually agreed upon guidelines that give him about 2 more weeks, and he needs to lower his expectations or change his strategies as far as jobs go. He was trying to tell me he was "compromising" with me by applying to a grocery store, but was no way willing to consider other additional grocery stores, or dollar stores. I was like, dude, I am compromising with you by NOT making you go get a job at a fast food place or washing dishes or cutting grass - you could be hired at something like that TOMORROW, this grocery store/dollar tree stuff is easy street. He basically wants to be at either a reptile store or a Game Stop, but there's just no way based on geography and who's hiring. It was the first real "Bob, you dropped out of high school and have done nothing since then except study for the GED for awhile and then let it go...if you don't go to at least trade school or some kind of certification program, you're basically stuck at shit jobs your whole life, that's life" conversation we've really had (paraphrased). He did a lot of listening, though, and seemed thoughtful about it enough to be worried. I was telling him for instance that my Dad is lucky enough to at least really love his job as a cab driver, but he's still constantly worried about money and barely not being evicted. We just spent awhile hanging out with my Dad together and Bob paid a lot of attention to him... Internships were brought up again, and JobCorps - it was great, and even culminated in my sister and Frank driving him around to job hunt for hours afterward.
ON THE OTHER HAND, he seems to have completely let it all fall by the wayside since then after stumbling upon very few leads and halfheartedly giving up on the ones he did. He sat around all day yesterday, and then literally came out of his room and away from his game play only 3 times today - he's permanently warped one of our camping chairs and is complaining of serious back pain again, now.
I repeated my previous lecture about the perils of sitting in one spot in a crappy chair all day long and the very real injury it leads to, importance of stretching and movement, harkening back to when Grant first got an office job and then ended up laid up for months after some skateboard stunts his body wasn't prepared for anymore...he came to me asking what I thought could be wrong, and he has done this before (that was the first time I told him how companies with cubicles actually make their employees sit through seminars about this issue). But he has this insanely annoying way of deflecting anything you say that could possibly lead to him changing his behavior with irrelevant excuses. Like,
Me: (all that about sitting and messed up backs)
Him: I do know that, but this time all the pain is on one side and just started.
Me: Well, yeah, you were using a different chair than before and were probably in a new position.
Him: I did actually think there could be something to that, but then when I stood up it kind of changed and now I'm wondering what is really going on.
Me: When you move is usually when you start to feel the pain, though. I guess that sounds weird, but your muscles are tightening up in the position you're stuck in while you sit still for so long,and then when you stand it pulls everything suddenly - which can hurt.
Him: *sneering in this weird way* I know what you're saying, and I'm not saying it couldn't be that, but like ALL of the pain is in this fist sized ball right here, and...
Me: (mentally) GTFO.
We've talked about this deflection-excuse tendency, too, and I could tell he was surprised to realize he does it constantly because he caught himself doing it A LOT, to where he laughed some, right as I pointed it out...but he's nowhere near being self-aware enough to spot it without me pointing it out, and it's not always a good time to point it out, with him.
So yeah, not sure about anything with all that. Like for instance he never wants to go anywhere we're going. If all 7 of us go, we don't have a seat for him anyway, but it's frequently just the kids and I in the van. I can MAKE him go with some prodding, but between his hesitation and my desire to have a break from him it doesn't always seem worth the effort. I do always invite him or mention that he could come - he says no or "I'm alright" or "That's not my cup of tea". I mean the effort to force him and then deal with his resentment doesn't seem worth it. Then I feel like I really should be taking him to Christmas Tree Lightings and the library and places like that, even if I'm not gonna drag him kicking and screaming to church. When he does come somewhere, he immediately starts asking about putting his death metal on in the van despite me telling him 37 million times that the van is my place to play my music and he can listen to whatever he wants in his room. And/or, he wants to sit in the van listening to music while we go in wherever we are, and just wait for us to be done so he can suffer through the ride home with my stuff on.
This is a big source of contention: he really doesn't hesitate to ask for unreasonable stuff all the time. There's no sense of feeling embarassed or worry about being entitled, at all. He was over at my sister's yesterday and getting mad at her because she couldn't come look at YouTube videos while she gave Brian a bath, and thought it was too cold out to take him swimming. This was after making her sit at the table with him for an hour or more, listening to the iPod docking station he had brought as he went through song after rage-filled song. She even allowed him to play stuff she's really not into while they ate dinner. Note that my sister is at an all time high weight and less than a month from her due date and not obligated to humor anyone in any regard.
I'm going to sit down at the dining table with some paper and pens with him tomorrow, and make some stuff seem real to him; places he's gotten a no from, a maybe, and an app, for work, for instance. Places he should still go apply at. Day by day to-do lists as far as follow-ups and inquiries - all underscored by how many days he has left, and how many he's wasted.
I am torn between feeling like a total unfeeling hardass, and feeling like someone has to be consistent and show some follow through with this kid at some point in his life. Grant has suggested that it might be reasonable to spend a week at a time working only on behavioral traits and attitude with him, with work on the wayside - but aside from the fact that neither of us is really sure that would be helpful, we straight up cannot afford having him here if he can't contribute...every small thing, be it (mostly) the groceries, gas for carting him around, his extra electricity, the Christmas presents I'll feel he has to have at least one or two of us as well since he's watching the kids open stuff, the three things he's already broken (the button that opens/closes the hatch of the van, a plate and I can't remember right now what the other one was)... Also, lame as I feel for it, I am an introvert who is caring for a lot of people and while I do want to help him, I NEED the break of him leaving the house to go to work sometimes. Days like today, when he's in the room all day behind a closed door, it's just a shadow on the house of what he SHOULD be doing and how I SHOULD be nagging him - other times it's a mixture of his general innapropriateness (burps that sound YELLED and actually echo, asking for everything, arguing with me about whether or not the kids can watch questionable movie/view questionable image seach/listen to questionable song) and stuff that isn't "bad" but just annoys ME, regardless (putting his ice cold water bottle on my back while I do the dishes, flinging droplets of water by me as I walk by the sink when he's using it, teaching my kids to say "Duh").
Yes, yes I did need to rant. It actually helps a lot.
I mean a week ago, one night, Grant and I went out on the deck once the kids were in bed to watch The Office on my laptop on the deck swing. We heard the kids a couple of times in small ways, but then they quieted, whatever. Nobody ever came out to get us. He went to bed shortly after, me way later, but I didn't see Bob. The next morning Bob was quiet but visibly PISSED, like stomping around with his fists balled up and giving walls dirty looks but not making eye contact with anyone. I was like, "bob, what's the matter?" and he shook his head in a "nothing" way before going back in his room. I asked two other times in different ways when I saw him again, and finally - at almost evening - knocked on his door and sat on his bed to try to talk to him. Then AT DINNER he tells us the main thing bugging him all this time, that he's been showing his ass about, is that Elise was crying the night before about Jake bothering her and we were nowhere to be found. He said this as though I should be ashamed of myself or something? I was like, yeah, they argue at night sometimes Bob. If she's hurt or whatever, she comes and gets me. We were right on the deck and can hear crying through the doors. He was kind of eye-rolling, hand waving dismissive and listed other petty concerns, like how he hadn't wanted to be reminded of job searching that day and I should know by now that he doesn't talk about things when he's mad.
Again (in my mind): GTFO!
I'm sure I have more to say, but I'm too tired.
I keep thinking that I should have had very different standards for him initially coming down. I should have made it really clear that he'd have two hours per day on the computer and be going places with us and eating what we eat at meals within reason and all sorts of things that I just...didn't. Because when I try to imagine how we're supposed to be tackling the massive amounts of healing and growing he should be doing as things are, it's not adding up. But when I talk to him about why I'm considering real changes in the overall rules, he's not open to it or into it AT ALL - Grant talks about how he can see him killing himself if we limited his video games too strictly and I, at least, think he would shut down and give up if I just said, "From now on you have to take at least 3 showers a week, brush your teeth twice a day, eat with us at meals and leave the house at least once a day".
Game Plan For Tomorrow:
-pray for me and him
-Call Michelle (my friend the life coach) about when Bob and I can come talk to her
-talk to Bob with paper and pen about jobs and deadlines
-email him that link about the coping skills online thing
-talk to him about meeting with Michelle
-re-evaluate based on his reactions to all these things
