feminism, holding me down
Dec. 22nd, 2003 06:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameso i've been thinking about the concept and practices of feminism, a lot. i think for a christian i'm pretty left wing - i don't see anything wrong with female ministers, much less presidents, doctors, lawyers, etc. i think in cases of adultery, or abuse, or even long running misery, divorce can be appropriate (although it's a bit too easily executed and overused, to me). anyway, i've been thinking about the ways that feminism is working against me. i haven't read anything about it or watched any specials recently - but i have had conversations with friends in town talking about the fear of becoming a housewife with kids, had conversations with a friend away at a "women's college" (DON'T call it a girls' school) about the ingrained stereotypes, and sensed the wall between us since the first time i got pregnant. i read a review for "mona lisa smile" talking about the message of the movie - women's rights, which is great, their freedoms, also great, the ability to see higher goals than marrying well, ok, wonderful - and above all not drifting into housewifedom.
i don't even know where to begin.
there is nothing i feel i could do that is more important, or challenging, or rewarding, than raising my kids right. i appreciate - very much - having a choice of whether or not to be a full time mom - but i don't like the stigma attached to having made it. i am not a tarnish on my gender's progress, or wasting my life, or anything else derogatory. i graduated #23 out of 300+ and elected to quit college on full scholarships, not out of laziness or ignorance, but because i knew my daughter would only be a baby once, while i would have a lifetime to go back to school. i've never regretted that. i still think i'll be in school again one day. i'm not in any rush though - these days i have with annie and aaron are precious. and i was not there in the same way at all when i was a student.
i sense this vague regret when people find out i'm not working on my book as much since i've been pregnant, and this hesitance to tell me their traveling/university/etc plans because i'm "missing out". i don't think i'm missing out. i feel like my life has real purpose, like i'm stronger and less selfish that i was in the past, like whatever hard days i have are outweighed by sweetness. i see them, riding ahead of me on the sidewalk, annie on her bike with training wheels, aaron on his tricycle and this new one bulging out wiggling in my belly, and i feel so full. so blessed and amazed.
totally aside from the rant, or whatever this has been, me and annie had the best night last night. we made cookie dough, and did this magnet craft, and drank hot cocoa out on the sidewalk wrapped up in blankets. it's the second awesome one on one night we've had this week - the other one, she painted and talked to me about all the things she learned on reading rainbow, and we read a bunch of 'the wizard of oz'. i can't tell you how my heart bursts (and i actually use corny lines like that sincerely) seeing how incredibly smart and creative and quirky and unique she is. it makes me sitting by her bassinet reading e.e. cummings and bible scriptures before the cord stump had fallen off seem so worth it. i'm totally in love with them.
there are days when i complain a lot. this job has a lot of cleaning up pee, sacrificing sleep, watching your figure come and go, etc, involved with it. a lot of patience and noise, and i'm full of pregnant hormones and only human. but i wouldn't trade it for anything - including just having them at a later point in life. i think i have a big edge on a lot of people around me who don't know where they fit, or feel their lives have meaning or purpose - and it's awesome that i'll be 40 with them grown and the whole rest of my life ahead of me (rather than 55 or 60 or whatever).
anyway, i'm not sure exactly what my point is. aside from how much of life is the way you look at it, and how cheated i feel so many chicks are because they feel like learning to cook or having babies is somehow cliche, or limiting to their character. a "betrayal to the cause". i still plan to be a chaplain one day (probably in my mid thirties) and get published (hopefully before another couple years go by). but i have no doubt my most valuable contribution to society will have been breaking the chain my family has wound through the years and turning out adults who are giving and loving and independant and strong.
i don't even know where to begin.
there is nothing i feel i could do that is more important, or challenging, or rewarding, than raising my kids right. i appreciate - very much - having a choice of whether or not to be a full time mom - but i don't like the stigma attached to having made it. i am not a tarnish on my gender's progress, or wasting my life, or anything else derogatory. i graduated #23 out of 300+ and elected to quit college on full scholarships, not out of laziness or ignorance, but because i knew my daughter would only be a baby once, while i would have a lifetime to go back to school. i've never regretted that. i still think i'll be in school again one day. i'm not in any rush though - these days i have with annie and aaron are precious. and i was not there in the same way at all when i was a student.
i sense this vague regret when people find out i'm not working on my book as much since i've been pregnant, and this hesitance to tell me their traveling/university/etc plans because i'm "missing out". i don't think i'm missing out. i feel like my life has real purpose, like i'm stronger and less selfish that i was in the past, like whatever hard days i have are outweighed by sweetness. i see them, riding ahead of me on the sidewalk, annie on her bike with training wheels, aaron on his tricycle and this new one bulging out wiggling in my belly, and i feel so full. so blessed and amazed.
totally aside from the rant, or whatever this has been, me and annie had the best night last night. we made cookie dough, and did this magnet craft, and drank hot cocoa out on the sidewalk wrapped up in blankets. it's the second awesome one on one night we've had this week - the other one, she painted and talked to me about all the things she learned on reading rainbow, and we read a bunch of 'the wizard of oz'. i can't tell you how my heart bursts (and i actually use corny lines like that sincerely) seeing how incredibly smart and creative and quirky and unique she is. it makes me sitting by her bassinet reading e.e. cummings and bible scriptures before the cord stump had fallen off seem so worth it. i'm totally in love with them.
there are days when i complain a lot. this job has a lot of cleaning up pee, sacrificing sleep, watching your figure come and go, etc, involved with it. a lot of patience and noise, and i'm full of pregnant hormones and only human. but i wouldn't trade it for anything - including just having them at a later point in life. i think i have a big edge on a lot of people around me who don't know where they fit, or feel their lives have meaning or purpose - and it's awesome that i'll be 40 with them grown and the whole rest of my life ahead of me (rather than 55 or 60 or whatever).
anyway, i'm not sure exactly what my point is. aside from how much of life is the way you look at it, and how cheated i feel so many chicks are because they feel like learning to cook or having babies is somehow cliche, or limiting to their character. a "betrayal to the cause". i still plan to be a chaplain one day (probably in my mid thirties) and get published (hopefully before another couple years go by). but i have no doubt my most valuable contribution to society will have been breaking the chain my family has wound through the years and turning out adults who are giving and loving and independant and strong.
