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Aug. 21st, 2015 03:33 amI don't know how I reached a point in my life where I turn on Enya and start a bundle of sage and some jasmine oil burning, but here we are. It feels pretty nice to be all freshly clean in the dark with a glass of cold moscato, after this neverending beast of a day.
I failed (to get the C I needed for it to "count") Stats II again, in Summer B. In Summer A I got a low F, in Summer B I got a D+. So that blows, but I've kinda just refused to invest the energy in being devastated by it again, like I was the first time I failed. It was such a demoralizing ego blow, to realize I'd really have to try hard and not just for an A, but to pass the class. I'm not to the point of being proud of myself for perseverance, which is what Grant is trying to encourage, but I am zen about this as being only one part of my life.
Zen:
-In Summer A I got test scores like 12% and 19%. In Summer B I got test scores like 48% and 70%. Clearly I'm making progress and will thus actually pass the fucking class eventually. A big part of my Summer A anxiety was an overwhelming fear that I just wasn't capable of learning the material.
-The D+ replaces the F, which helps my overall GPA.
-I did also do very well in Neuropsychology, which I LOVED, and The Individual in Society, which I liked, this summer, and thus earned myself 6 more credits toward my degree.
-My children are all so sweet and sympathetic -"But you worked so hard and study so much!" "Oh man, you were so close this time!" I think Elise actually feels better about herself for the tests she was failing in 2nd grade (for non-reading).
-So far, this hasn't impacted my financial aid, fear of which was another major cause of me panicking in Summer A.
Snail's pace it is. I'll be taking Stats II in the fall starting Monday, along with Intro to Bio Psych, which sounds fascinating, and a french class, as I am inexplicably hell bent on learning french. I don't need to do much other than that even though it's a longer/normal semester, because I'm almost done with the entire degree, minus this research sequence that begins with freakin' Stats II.
I've thought a lot about that previous entry, on "external novelty," and decided it really might be me coming to accept that I DO want a lot of it, and seek it out. I realize that sounds ridiculous and contradictory, but I have a long established pattern of pitching a long, final, protesting fit about something before coming around and admitting I'm all about it. See: cloth diapers, homebirth, extended breastfeeding, the Catholic Church, IUDs, leaving Christianity altogether, polyamory (and monogamy), AND MORE. Listing every problem I have with something and defending my existing position as being against it is kiiiiinda how I work through my feelings of wanting that something. Sometimes, at least.
This is related to why I was willing to engage in tedious and frustrating arguments online for so long - people like to say, "Do you really think you're going to change someone's mind?" as though it's impossible. But I've had my mind changed by things in online arguments more than once. That is a thing that can happen. Even if the person you're arguing with is unswayable, there are always silent lurkers reading. Unfortunately I just don't generally have the energy for it anymore. Debate zaps me like little else.
I spent last Fri-Sun gallivanting all over the state again, visiting old friends. Good talk, good laughs, good food, good hugs. TERRIBLE nonexistent sleep, though. I am just too "Princess and the Pea" to sleep at other people's houses, I think. I mean I can barely sleep at my house! Otherwise, it was a great time and I'm very glad to have done it. I had some great stranger interactions too, including an Amanda Palmer fan spotted in the wild by her tattoo.
I got back and hit the ground running...met Grant and the kids at a restaurant north of our house, for dinner, before we all headed home and I unloaded my stuff. Then we had to get up at 4:30am, to take him to the airport so he could fly out to Maryland for work.
I've gotten a lot accomplished this week, though it's frustrating at times how circuitous and/or boring some of it is.
-Isaac's school orientation
-his haircut
-shopping for his uniforms
-his psych appointment
-and a bloodwork referral, for some minor physical problems that just aren't going away
-Aaron's haircut
-buying crickets for his spider
-getting his ears pierced, like he's wanted to forever
-school supply shopping
-school lunch shopping
-curriculum and field trip planning, with Jake and Elise
-cleaning out their cubbies
-scheduling their evaluations
-an Old Navy trip for khakis and jeans for the school kids
I've also had a ton of cuddle time with Elise, who is SO sweet and fun to come home to, and some with Jake (along with lots of talking with him), and shows with Annie, and dates with Aaron and Isaac out places.
They're all pretty great.
Annie is SO 15. She's so into having a cultivated aesthetic that she's practically in costume most of the time. I'll come home and she's just randomly in a full blown hipster getup with tons of jewelry and sun glasses, in the kitchen, and has the audacity to ask, "What?" if I look at her a second too long. She goes into rants about the most silly precocious nonsense, like communism, and 13 year olds who idealize the 90s even though they didn't even live through them <---she truly cannot even hear herself. It's hilarious in advance to think of the conversations we'll have about the things she's saying now, when she's 25. She's got friends over or is out meeting friends or staying at their houses pretty often. She talks about her plans for when she's 18 a lot.
Aaron is less depressed, and really happy with his haircut and his earrings. He was happy to see Darrien for awhile while I was away, since D's been down for the summer with his dad. He and Grant seem to be getting closer and it's great to watch.
Isaac is REALLY excited about starting a new school, and being a middle schooler. It's a nice change from him just being nervous. He is adorable and loves his new haircut. He's been sick off and on for weeks, and complaining of being too hot to do things or sleep periodically for years now. He keeps getting nauseous and getting headaches, for a couple of years if not forever. It's something we talked to his gastroenterologist about LONG ago, and the people at the hospital when he was in patient for constipation, and his doctor, but to no avail. He had lingering coughs and colds many times over the past year, some of which were severe and interfered with his ability to do things. He saw his pediatrician multiple times, he had a chest x-ray, he had allergy testing - no answers. Some of it could be anxiety related (headaches and stomachaches especially, but he was also using a light cough as a tic and that would sometimes turn into more intense coughing he couldn't control). I don't know what to do with him lately. He's throwing up too often when he lays down at night, he's acting really rundown and tired and congested during the day. Even though he's happy and productive. The PA who takes his vitals and measurements before he sees the psychiatrist suggested a couple of things that could be to blame that I haven't heard before, like hypothyroidism or a Vitamin D deficiency, so we're doing a blood panel. In the meantime I'm making him a lot of cups of tea and going to pick him up a lot of gatorade and reading him a lot of Narnia.
Jake has a really rich inner life. He tells me all the time about questions he has about life, about dreams he had that made him cry, about the elaborate things he's built with legos, and the books he's reading. He also makes me nuts begging for screen time 24/7 and acting incapable of handling 5 minutes without something engaging him. It's a weird mix. He's a weird kid, but in a good way (I think). He's a little whiny and sarcastic about school starting, but also willing, and very capable. He's eager for the field trips and the time alone with Elise and me. He goes out of his way to do nice things for her really often.
Elise is a happy and excited hilarious nut. She wants to be a taxidermist when she grows up. She has a bird skeleton she's keeping on the porch, that I'll only let her touch with her big rubber gloves on. She keeps talking in this guttural horror movie voice. She's also frequently doing awkward and clumsy "ballet" she wants me to watch. Her reading has really taken off - I got her a multi-pack of Fancy Nancy early readers at BJ's tonight and she was able to read me all 6 titles in probably less than 2 minutes. Books like that take a third the time they would have, for her to read me, vs 3 months ago. She LOVED the weeks she spent at Girl Scout camp SO MUCH, and can't wait to start going to troop meetings when they start up. She's just nothing but joy. Quick to help with anything I ask, affectionate as all get out, genuinely entertaining. Sometimes her prattling on and on can get tedious, but that has really started to shift as she has more language bursts and hesitates less in the middle of her sentences.
I've gotta go to bed. Tomorrow is a night that will once again feature Grant, and I am ready. I've decided his armpit is my favorite place in this world. He was lying in a hotel bed while we skyped earlier and it's almost terrible, how great he looked.
I failed (to get the C I needed for it to "count") Stats II again, in Summer B. In Summer A I got a low F, in Summer B I got a D+. So that blows, but I've kinda just refused to invest the energy in being devastated by it again, like I was the first time I failed. It was such a demoralizing ego blow, to realize I'd really have to try hard and not just for an A, but to pass the class. I'm not to the point of being proud of myself for perseverance, which is what Grant is trying to encourage, but I am zen about this as being only one part of my life.
Zen:
-In Summer A I got test scores like 12% and 19%. In Summer B I got test scores like 48% and 70%. Clearly I'm making progress and will thus actually pass the fucking class eventually. A big part of my Summer A anxiety was an overwhelming fear that I just wasn't capable of learning the material.
-The D+ replaces the F, which helps my overall GPA.
-I did also do very well in Neuropsychology, which I LOVED, and The Individual in Society, which I liked, this summer, and thus earned myself 6 more credits toward my degree.
-My children are all so sweet and sympathetic -"But you worked so hard and study so much!" "Oh man, you were so close this time!" I think Elise actually feels better about herself for the tests she was failing in 2nd grade (for non-reading).
-So far, this hasn't impacted my financial aid, fear of which was another major cause of me panicking in Summer A.
Snail's pace it is. I'll be taking Stats II in the fall starting Monday, along with Intro to Bio Psych, which sounds fascinating, and a french class, as I am inexplicably hell bent on learning french. I don't need to do much other than that even though it's a longer/normal semester, because I'm almost done with the entire degree, minus this research sequence that begins with freakin' Stats II.
I've thought a lot about that previous entry, on "external novelty," and decided it really might be me coming to accept that I DO want a lot of it, and seek it out. I realize that sounds ridiculous and contradictory, but I have a long established pattern of pitching a long, final, protesting fit about something before coming around and admitting I'm all about it. See: cloth diapers, homebirth, extended breastfeeding, the Catholic Church, IUDs, leaving Christianity altogether, polyamory (and monogamy), AND MORE. Listing every problem I have with something and defending my existing position as being against it is kiiiiinda how I work through my feelings of wanting that something. Sometimes, at least.
This is related to why I was willing to engage in tedious and frustrating arguments online for so long - people like to say, "Do you really think you're going to change someone's mind?" as though it's impossible. But I've had my mind changed by things in online arguments more than once. That is a thing that can happen. Even if the person you're arguing with is unswayable, there are always silent lurkers reading. Unfortunately I just don't generally have the energy for it anymore. Debate zaps me like little else.
I spent last Fri-Sun gallivanting all over the state again, visiting old friends. Good talk, good laughs, good food, good hugs. TERRIBLE nonexistent sleep, though. I am just too "Princess and the Pea" to sleep at other people's houses, I think. I mean I can barely sleep at my house! Otherwise, it was a great time and I'm very glad to have done it. I had some great stranger interactions too, including an Amanda Palmer fan spotted in the wild by her tattoo.
I got back and hit the ground running...met Grant and the kids at a restaurant north of our house, for dinner, before we all headed home and I unloaded my stuff. Then we had to get up at 4:30am, to take him to the airport so he could fly out to Maryland for work.
I've gotten a lot accomplished this week, though it's frustrating at times how circuitous and/or boring some of it is.
-Isaac's school orientation
-his haircut
-shopping for his uniforms
-his psych appointment
-and a bloodwork referral, for some minor physical problems that just aren't going away
-Aaron's haircut
-buying crickets for his spider
-getting his ears pierced, like he's wanted to forever
-school supply shopping
-school lunch shopping
-curriculum and field trip planning, with Jake and Elise
-cleaning out their cubbies
-scheduling their evaluations
-an Old Navy trip for khakis and jeans for the school kids
I've also had a ton of cuddle time with Elise, who is SO sweet and fun to come home to, and some with Jake (along with lots of talking with him), and shows with Annie, and dates with Aaron and Isaac out places.
They're all pretty great.
Annie is SO 15. She's so into having a cultivated aesthetic that she's practically in costume most of the time. I'll come home and she's just randomly in a full blown hipster getup with tons of jewelry and sun glasses, in the kitchen, and has the audacity to ask, "What?" if I look at her a second too long. She goes into rants about the most silly precocious nonsense, like communism, and 13 year olds who idealize the 90s even though they didn't even live through them <---she truly cannot even hear herself. It's hilarious in advance to think of the conversations we'll have about the things she's saying now, when she's 25. She's got friends over or is out meeting friends or staying at their houses pretty often. She talks about her plans for when she's 18 a lot.
Aaron is less depressed, and really happy with his haircut and his earrings. He was happy to see Darrien for awhile while I was away, since D's been down for the summer with his dad. He and Grant seem to be getting closer and it's great to watch.
Isaac is REALLY excited about starting a new school, and being a middle schooler. It's a nice change from him just being nervous. He is adorable and loves his new haircut. He's been sick off and on for weeks, and complaining of being too hot to do things or sleep periodically for years now. He keeps getting nauseous and getting headaches, for a couple of years if not forever. It's something we talked to his gastroenterologist about LONG ago, and the people at the hospital when he was in patient for constipation, and his doctor, but to no avail. He had lingering coughs and colds many times over the past year, some of which were severe and interfered with his ability to do things. He saw his pediatrician multiple times, he had a chest x-ray, he had allergy testing - no answers. Some of it could be anxiety related (headaches and stomachaches especially, but he was also using a light cough as a tic and that would sometimes turn into more intense coughing he couldn't control). I don't know what to do with him lately. He's throwing up too often when he lays down at night, he's acting really rundown and tired and congested during the day. Even though he's happy and productive. The PA who takes his vitals and measurements before he sees the psychiatrist suggested a couple of things that could be to blame that I haven't heard before, like hypothyroidism or a Vitamin D deficiency, so we're doing a blood panel. In the meantime I'm making him a lot of cups of tea and going to pick him up a lot of gatorade and reading him a lot of Narnia.
Jake has a really rich inner life. He tells me all the time about questions he has about life, about dreams he had that made him cry, about the elaborate things he's built with legos, and the books he's reading. He also makes me nuts begging for screen time 24/7 and acting incapable of handling 5 minutes without something engaging him. It's a weird mix. He's a weird kid, but in a good way (I think). He's a little whiny and sarcastic about school starting, but also willing, and very capable. He's eager for the field trips and the time alone with Elise and me. He goes out of his way to do nice things for her really often.
Elise is a happy and excited hilarious nut. She wants to be a taxidermist when she grows up. She has a bird skeleton she's keeping on the porch, that I'll only let her touch with her big rubber gloves on. She keeps talking in this guttural horror movie voice. She's also frequently doing awkward and clumsy "ballet" she wants me to watch. Her reading has really taken off - I got her a multi-pack of Fancy Nancy early readers at BJ's tonight and she was able to read me all 6 titles in probably less than 2 minutes. Books like that take a third the time they would have, for her to read me, vs 3 months ago. She LOVED the weeks she spent at Girl Scout camp SO MUCH, and can't wait to start going to troop meetings when they start up. She's just nothing but joy. Quick to help with anything I ask, affectionate as all get out, genuinely entertaining. Sometimes her prattling on and on can get tedious, but that has really started to shift as she has more language bursts and hesitates less in the middle of her sentences.
I've gotta go to bed. Tomorrow is a night that will once again feature Grant, and I am ready. I've decided his armpit is my favorite place in this world. He was lying in a hotel bed while we skyped earlier and it's almost terrible, how great he looked.
