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Jul. 6th, 2015 02:44 pmI am disturbed about how terrible I look and often feel, lately. I'm breaking out on the regular, rather than just around my periods, and often in places I haven't since I was a teenager (cheeks) or even ever (back). My skin FEELS bad, like the texture is off. Every picture that has me in it for the last month looks so tired, and when I took the kids to the dentist our normal hygienist actually asked me what was wrong like she was really worried.
I'm physically sluggish most of the time, have regained some weight, and between that and a couple of my few real wardrobe staples wearing out beyond repair I have nothing to freakin' wear and live in the same two dresses all the time. My eyes feel puffy/itchy/swollen almost constantly, and my ears are gross... like, producing way too much goopy wax and closing if I lie down for long, then popping open again when I stand up. I mean, for 6 weeks+. Gross.
I'm trying to figure all this out because I want it to stop.
I know that the physical and overwhelming anxiety for weeks, during Summer A, over the class I ultimately failed, is a big part of all this. Both directly because it kept me from sleeping night after night and made me look like a sack of cortisol, and indirectly because, for instance, I stress-ate a lot of shit I should not have. Two roadtrips during that period of time further threw my diet way out of wack, and added bigtime to the cumulative sleep deprivation... I had at least 4 of the kinds of almost totally sleepless nights that I haven't had to power through in years, all in June. Normally now if I stay up really late I can sleep it off to compensate, or at least take a nap the next afternoon. As a result of all this I also got progressively more dependent on ludicrous amounts of caffeine, before scaling waaaaaay back when I realized it was contributing to the anxiety/insomnia.
Probably my gut bacteria is more horrible than normal. Come to think of it, I have also slacked off a lot in the supplements department (probiotics, fish oil)... There are a couple of selfies I took to send Grant in the computer lab at school wherein I look like I'm dying or something.
Anytime I have these kinds of systemic issues of feeling "off" for more than a couple of days it puts me on edge a bit, because there have been TWO times in the last 10 years, now, when I felt all around "off" because of something that, left unaddressed, would have killed me. And not just in the decades-long way that obesity and inflammation can.
Although perhaps that is the perspective shift I need to motivate me to change big things in my life.
I'm physically sluggish most of the time, have regained some weight, and between that and a couple of my few real wardrobe staples wearing out beyond repair I have nothing to freakin' wear and live in the same two dresses all the time. My eyes feel puffy/itchy/swollen almost constantly, and my ears are gross... like, producing way too much goopy wax and closing if I lie down for long, then popping open again when I stand up. I mean, for 6 weeks+. Gross.
I'm trying to figure all this out because I want it to stop.
I know that the physical and overwhelming anxiety for weeks, during Summer A, over the class I ultimately failed, is a big part of all this. Both directly because it kept me from sleeping night after night and made me look like a sack of cortisol, and indirectly because, for instance, I stress-ate a lot of shit I should not have. Two roadtrips during that period of time further threw my diet way out of wack, and added bigtime to the cumulative sleep deprivation... I had at least 4 of the kinds of almost totally sleepless nights that I haven't had to power through in years, all in June. Normally now if I stay up really late I can sleep it off to compensate, or at least take a nap the next afternoon. As a result of all this I also got progressively more dependent on ludicrous amounts of caffeine, before scaling waaaaaay back when I realized it was contributing to the anxiety/insomnia.
Probably my gut bacteria is more horrible than normal. Come to think of it, I have also slacked off a lot in the supplements department (probiotics, fish oil)... There are a couple of selfies I took to send Grant in the computer lab at school wherein I look like I'm dying or something.
Anytime I have these kinds of systemic issues of feeling "off" for more than a couple of days it puts me on edge a bit, because there have been TWO times in the last 10 years, now, when I felt all around "off" because of something that, left unaddressed, would have killed me. And not just in the decades-long way that obesity and inflammation can.
Although perhaps that is the perspective shift I need to motivate me to change big things in my life.
