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There are all these little ways in which I observe what is commonly considered "considerate," but personally, I would prefer others do something really different where I'm concerned. Then, I wonder how many others are doing this same thing - going along with conventional rules of kindness that aren't actually very helpful to the individuals in question. Examples of what I mean:
I dislike it, provided there is not a line of cars where I'd be left waiting for a long time, when a car slows and stops to let me cross the street or parking lot - especially when it's illegal or holding up other drivers, or most of all when it's the one damn car for blocks around and there's absolutely no reason for them to come to a complete stop like that. It actually takes longer than if they just kept moving along and got out of the way! And, it's kind of awkward standing there trying to gauge the moment when you're sure it's safe to walk. You then feel like you have to rush across since they're waiting. Just go!
There are other things... I will never try to stop an elevator door that's closing so I can get on, even if I'm running late. I would really rather people inside didn't hold it open for me, either. Half the time when that happens it's packed and I'd rather wait for the next one, but I feel obligated to squeeze in since they're being nice. Or, I can tell some of the people in the elevator don't agree with one guy's decision to hold them all up but everyone has to bow to this custom that it's better to slow this elevator down by 30 seconds than for someone to wait there for 45 seconds, for the other elevator to arrive. I can chill for the next one!
Also, I now take my shopping carts back to the assigned areas in parking lots, mostly because I've gotten SO MUCH FLACK for not doing so from so many fucking people, but my sister and I both felt for years with multiple very young kids that it was a godsend to find a cart out in the parking lot to park next to, and immediately plop someone(s) into. Just much much easier than wrangling everyone across the parking lot. That has always been what she and I drive around looking for in a spot. For awhile after I first got this hernia, when Elise was a baby and Jake was a toddler, I basically could only shop at all if we could pull up right next to a two seater cart that I could hold steady while kids climbed from the van, into it, and I strapped them... Otherwise I had to go find one inside while they waited in the van alone, and we all know how frowned upon THAT is. So I only shopped at stores where carts stayed scattered around outside.
There are other examples, I think my personal preferences are often just unusual or something... I'm annoyed when people have the right of way at a 4 way stop but wave me on anyway out of some misguided paranoia, for instance. People are so weirdly jumpy about 4 way stops, and everyone waving each other on makes it worse, not better. The worst is when it becomes a staring contest/battle of wills, with everyone struggling to make everyone else go before them. Sheesh. It's not like we're going to total each others' cars at idle speeds. Go when it's your turn to go! Without a big awkward hesitation and needing to make eye contact with the 3 other drivers individually!
One point that could be gleaned from all these things, I suppose, is that it can be way off the mark to assume someone is being an asshole just because they aren't doing things the way you think nice people are "supposed" to do them. Maybe people just think differently and prefer something other than what you do.
Tangential.... or maybe not... I have such a HUGE pet peeve for parents with violent kids who let their kids run free hitting/chucking things at other kids, at playgrounds and play groups and wherever. What I seem to see over and over online, when this comes up, are these admonishments that parents of neurotypical kids don't understand that some kids are not neurotypical, and everyone needs to be more accepting of neurodiversity, and it's like, yeah, no shit, I've got no problem with any oppositional defiant or autistic or WHATEVER kid as a child who has the right to play and experience life, but that doesn't mean some kids have the right to beat on others. Or, that some kids are just gonna have to think it's ok to get hit frequently. Not to mention, it's not like you're doing your kid who is challenged by social cues already any favors, allowing them to shape their expectations around being allowed to punch/kick/etc strangers.
To me it seems really obvious that if your kid is violence-prone for a reason beyond their control, that means you have to shadow him or her carefully in public settings with other kids. Huge pain in the ass? Yeah, of course. Still not optional. You can't argue for inclusion and mainstreaming, and simultaneously make inclusion and mainstreaming REALLY UNAPPEALING (or even dangerous). I know a little bit about the relentlessness of parenting, and how exhausting it is when you have an infant who will not sleep or a kid with crippling anxiety that causes them to poop/cry/FLIP OUT everywhere you go, or learning disabilities + piles of homework, or whatever... It's hard. Really really hard. But you can't just OPT OUT. If you don't have the energy for the shadowing and the removal process, the kid stays home that afternoon.
I've had a lot of things over the years cause me to get really frustrated about this issue, because the homeschooling population has a disproportionately high number of kids with special needs, but yesterday on the playground Elise got hit with a metal car 3 times at close range - the 3rd time made her cry and left marks. So it's on my mind anew. She and her brothers had asked this kid to quit it multiple times, and when Grant talked to him it was super obvious he was on the spectrum. Ok, fine - where the hell were his parents? Why were WE talking to him? What kind of parents don't at least pop out of the woodwork when they see multiple strange adults engaging their 5/6 year old kid, saying who knows what? Elise was not the only kid he was bothering. The only solution, eventually, was for us and another family to leave the playground, and for the remaining kids to keep being bullied, while he threw his car at anyone in sight. Gah.
Last but not least in today's rants - which strike me as somewhat misleading, since I am actually pretty happy and the weather is perfect, but I'm thinking about this stuff and bored so hey - direct sales. DIRECT SALES!
I most certainly grew up with a pre-existing bias against pyramid schemes and direct sales companies and workers. I had a stepdad (who I had major problems with for other reasons) and a couple of questionable neighbors who were heavily into them - and it never seemed to matter what the business even was, only that the koolaid was being drunk. Pipe fitting materials, grass fed meat delivery, prepaid legal services, makeup, you name it. It always involved the same levels of enthusiasm that my stepdad got when he had one of his month long religious conversions, and then ended just as suddenly.
Then as an adult, I watched someone close to me seem to me to just...go off the deep end, trying to sell discount coupon deals. With a group that expected 12 hour days and promised riches, even though the boss lived in a shitty little apartment, pushed drugs on the lower level guys to enhance enthusiasm (really), and had pep rally type "parties" on the weekends where people only talked about the company. To this day when I see a Honda Civic filled with 5 jacked up looking 20 year olds in cheap dress shirts, I assume they're about to canvas a neighborhood after a huddle.
I think what always appalled me most about these entities as a whole was not that their claims were false (which they were often not - the prepaid legal services were legit, the makeup ok, the coupon books good deals), but the way they seemed to blur peoples' ideologies and identities. You can in no way leave work at work, if this is what work is. You have the materials all over your house, you look for ways to work it into personal conversations all the time, you have to swallow all your normal doubts and hesitations about constantly making sales pitches in grocery store lines and to the mailman and just throw yourself, mentally and completely, into this way of making a living. It alters personalities, sometimes more and sometimes less. At least in my experience.
So that is the place I'm coming from, and there's no way to pretend it doesn't influence my perception now. BUT, HOLY SHIT! EVERYONE is selling something, lately. Especially on facebook. I've got 3 sellers of nail wraps and 2 sellers of bags, 4 sellers of (different) health supplements and meal replacements - and I intentionally keep my friends list there small! I just looked, I have 137 fb friends, of which probably 120 are actually active and 10 are minors. So, wtf. I keep wondering if this is about the state of the economy, or peoples' growing desire to telecommute, or...
And fwiw I also have 4 painters, FIVE photographers, various writers who hawk their stuff, a preschool owner who pitches their events - but none of those people bother me. None of them make me feel awkward, pursued or pressured or, worse, intentionally tricked into anything. I suppose they are not salespeople for a living, they are doing whatever their art is, or educating, for a living. And, they view the general public, rather than those closest to them, as their customer base. That's probably key, right there.
Direct sales, even without the pyramid - it's like these intelligent, sincere people who I respect (not any one particular person - this is happening again, and again, and again) do not see the potential hurtfulness or manipulation in their tactics, when I think that if I explained the situations objectively as something that happened with someone else, they would be appalled.
In the last month, I've gotten THREE one on one fb private messages from people selling things. The really disappointing part is that they never START OUT selling things. They are real life friends, they engage me in seemingly normal conversation for the first time in awhile, and then they make me feel like a total dumbass. One of these was someone I haven't talked to in years, who sent me a friends' request, asked me about the kids, commented on all the stuff we have in common now and how "neat" that is...and then asked if I would please watch some educational videos about her products, which she really believes in. This was over about 10 minutes back and forth. That was the third one of the 3-in-a-month, and I told her straight up, no. I won't watch your videos. I'm inundated with these kinds of requests and I'm tired of being pitched by people I think are just acting friendly for the sake of friendship, but are actually biding their time hoping I'll be their next customer.
I don't even care at this point that she found that offensive - why am I NOT supposed to be offended when people invite me to events and parties, online and in real life, that just turn out to basically be emotional, high pressure ads? When the people never once mentioned during the conversations preceding the events, that they were about products they're selling? I would consider going to some of those kinds of events, pitched honestly, and then I wouldn't be irritated while I was there because it wouldn't be a surprise.
I've actually been invited to just come hang out with someone one on one, and then had them go for their pamphlets and offers once I settled into their living room. How is anyone even supposed to react in that situation? Are they really just sitting there wondering how the sales pitch is going to go? Because I'm sitting there feeling humiliated and duped, because I thought it was about, you know, friendship.
I understand that all (or most of) these products are legit, potentially beneficial, have changed your life, etc. I don't understand why you can't just be straight with me. I am a direct person, and however much I might get turned off by you coming right out and saying, "can I tell you about what I'm selling?" it is NOTHING compared to how genuinely hurt and then, later, pissed at you I'm going to be, when I realize our whole seemingly normal talk was you working up to a sales pitch. GAH! It just makes me feel like a fucking idiot for believing you wanted my company, or conversation, or whatever in a way that was just about me. If you do direct sales, don't do this to people. It's mean. It's fucked up. It undermines any credibility your business might have.
It's also insulting. I know all about the "foot in the door" phenomenon from my classes, and see that referenced online often these days, too. I have done phone sales before and been trained in sales techniques. These strategies are increasingly common knowledge, and seeing someone openly "play you" by a book...well, it sucks. If your product is that good, it shouldn't need a lot of manipulation and strategy when you're just talking about it with people you know, who already like you.
You know what's different about phone sales? Or door to door sales, or any other pushy-with-strangers sales? They don't involve the pressure, guilt and awkwardness that come from someone feeling obligated to you as a friend, lover, relative, etc. They don't blur the edges of private and professional in a deeply uncomfortable way that goes on after the phone is hung up, or the door is closed. I can't even imagine if, back when I was selling Usborne books, I'd went to my best friends and started quoting from a script and handing them things and just NOT expected them to call me on it. They're good books. They're books I like for my own kids. And my friends are people who deserve respect and honesty. As in, "Yeah I'm selling these now, mostly to libraries, preschools and doctors offices. If you're ever interested there are some good deals."
Sometimes now, there are people who double back and call me out for declining, which frankly blows my mind. I've had messages saying, "Tina, are you getting my group invitations? You haven't responded." FROM A RELATIVE. I've also had other relatives message me about that first relative, saying "Tina, are you getting her invites? She says you're not RSVPing." So yeah, don't get mad when I then say, "Yup, getting them and deleting them," or when I RSVP "no." Good lord! I spent two weeks removing myself from peoples' groups over and over and over, since you can be added against your will, and then got messages - "I keep trying to put you in my groups, so you can see my updates..." Yeah, I NOTICED! STOP THAT, immediately!
One LJ friend that I've added on facebook sent me a message asking if I would explain to her why I'm not willing to try some free samples of her nail sheets. The good thing about that exchange was that she totally understood when I was like, uh, because everyone is selling stuff, I'm tired of it, I have zero interest in nail sheets, I don't even paint my nails, etc. She is rational enough to accept that, to seem shocked by how surrounded I am, apologetic for adding to that, and most importantly to not use the conversation as an opportunity to TRY TO GET ME TO BUY STUFF, AGAIN.
And it is actually this ridiculous, I am not writing a dramatization. The garage where we get the cars serviced hawks Herbalife to us while we're there if we linger for like 30 seconds beyond necessities. We've known the owner guy for a long time and trust him with honesty in auto work, but you can't get him to break the sales "4th wall," either, it's like the zealousness about the product has integrated with his personhood. It really seems like some kind of cultish indoctrination, I chuckled once after turning him down, and said, "Wow, it seems like everyone in Homestead is selling Herbalife now..." and this dude looks me straight in the eye, leans his hands on the counter, and asks, "Do you need a lifestyle change?"
I need you to fuck off.
I actually said something like, "Uh, no thank you." It's flabbergasting, though. But they feel like they have to have that level of commitment and confidence to have any hope of convincing anyone else, and put all this work into never giving up on turning anyone into "a sale," or "a yes" or however their particular phrasing is. And honestly, he lost a ton of weight on Herbalife, he looks different. Herbalife probably works for a lot of people. Just like how I've lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers, and someone I know is losing a lot of weight with Nutrisystem and someone else did it by going Vegan. I lost a bunch of weight on Eat to Live one year, and I did the best ever with weight loss when I cut out all sugar and flour.
I think I've started to see the fervent desire to convince others to do a specific thing that worked for you as immature. This is outside of direct sales, I'm generalizing to all of life. I think that urge springs partially from a genuine longing to help people, but also partially from an inability to understand and accept that everyone is different. Their feelings, their thoughts, their physiology. People have completely individual genetic makeups, personal histories and general contexts... What worked miracles for you, assuming we are not talking about any scientifically accepted thing (and sometimes not even then) is in no way automatically relevant for anyone else, let alone everyone else. If they want help, if they are asking for help, you can offer your experience. And if it does work for them, yay! That really is awesome. People who want help do go seeking it. Sometimes it is good to jump in and rescue someone. But if you feel called to spread your particular solution to people whether they like it or not? I've begun to suspect that is shortsighted, regardless of the validity of the solution.
But that might just be bitterness talking? Or something I'd change my mind about. Obviously there's value in teaching each other, and in spreading information. I don't know where these lines are!
I've walked away and come back to this too many times, I gotta make some tacos.
I dislike it, provided there is not a line of cars where I'd be left waiting for a long time, when a car slows and stops to let me cross the street or parking lot - especially when it's illegal or holding up other drivers, or most of all when it's the one damn car for blocks around and there's absolutely no reason for them to come to a complete stop like that. It actually takes longer than if they just kept moving along and got out of the way! And, it's kind of awkward standing there trying to gauge the moment when you're sure it's safe to walk. You then feel like you have to rush across since they're waiting. Just go!
There are other things... I will never try to stop an elevator door that's closing so I can get on, even if I'm running late. I would really rather people inside didn't hold it open for me, either. Half the time when that happens it's packed and I'd rather wait for the next one, but I feel obligated to squeeze in since they're being nice. Or, I can tell some of the people in the elevator don't agree with one guy's decision to hold them all up but everyone has to bow to this custom that it's better to slow this elevator down by 30 seconds than for someone to wait there for 45 seconds, for the other elevator to arrive. I can chill for the next one!
Also, I now take my shopping carts back to the assigned areas in parking lots, mostly because I've gotten SO MUCH FLACK for not doing so from so many fucking people, but my sister and I both felt for years with multiple very young kids that it was a godsend to find a cart out in the parking lot to park next to, and immediately plop someone(s) into. Just much much easier than wrangling everyone across the parking lot. That has always been what she and I drive around looking for in a spot. For awhile after I first got this hernia, when Elise was a baby and Jake was a toddler, I basically could only shop at all if we could pull up right next to a two seater cart that I could hold steady while kids climbed from the van, into it, and I strapped them... Otherwise I had to go find one inside while they waited in the van alone, and we all know how frowned upon THAT is. So I only shopped at stores where carts stayed scattered around outside.
There are other examples, I think my personal preferences are often just unusual or something... I'm annoyed when people have the right of way at a 4 way stop but wave me on anyway out of some misguided paranoia, for instance. People are so weirdly jumpy about 4 way stops, and everyone waving each other on makes it worse, not better. The worst is when it becomes a staring contest/battle of wills, with everyone struggling to make everyone else go before them. Sheesh. It's not like we're going to total each others' cars at idle speeds. Go when it's your turn to go! Without a big awkward hesitation and needing to make eye contact with the 3 other drivers individually!
One point that could be gleaned from all these things, I suppose, is that it can be way off the mark to assume someone is being an asshole just because they aren't doing things the way you think nice people are "supposed" to do them. Maybe people just think differently and prefer something other than what you do.
Tangential.... or maybe not... I have such a HUGE pet peeve for parents with violent kids who let their kids run free hitting/chucking things at other kids, at playgrounds and play groups and wherever. What I seem to see over and over online, when this comes up, are these admonishments that parents of neurotypical kids don't understand that some kids are not neurotypical, and everyone needs to be more accepting of neurodiversity, and it's like, yeah, no shit, I've got no problem with any oppositional defiant or autistic or WHATEVER kid as a child who has the right to play and experience life, but that doesn't mean some kids have the right to beat on others. Or, that some kids are just gonna have to think it's ok to get hit frequently. Not to mention, it's not like you're doing your kid who is challenged by social cues already any favors, allowing them to shape their expectations around being allowed to punch/kick/etc strangers.
To me it seems really obvious that if your kid is violence-prone for a reason beyond their control, that means you have to shadow him or her carefully in public settings with other kids. Huge pain in the ass? Yeah, of course. Still not optional. You can't argue for inclusion and mainstreaming, and simultaneously make inclusion and mainstreaming REALLY UNAPPEALING (or even dangerous). I know a little bit about the relentlessness of parenting, and how exhausting it is when you have an infant who will not sleep or a kid with crippling anxiety that causes them to poop/cry/FLIP OUT everywhere you go, or learning disabilities + piles of homework, or whatever... It's hard. Really really hard. But you can't just OPT OUT. If you don't have the energy for the shadowing and the removal process, the kid stays home that afternoon.
I've had a lot of things over the years cause me to get really frustrated about this issue, because the homeschooling population has a disproportionately high number of kids with special needs, but yesterday on the playground Elise got hit with a metal car 3 times at close range - the 3rd time made her cry and left marks. So it's on my mind anew. She and her brothers had asked this kid to quit it multiple times, and when Grant talked to him it was super obvious he was on the spectrum. Ok, fine - where the hell were his parents? Why were WE talking to him? What kind of parents don't at least pop out of the woodwork when they see multiple strange adults engaging their 5/6 year old kid, saying who knows what? Elise was not the only kid he was bothering. The only solution, eventually, was for us and another family to leave the playground, and for the remaining kids to keep being bullied, while he threw his car at anyone in sight. Gah.
Last but not least in today's rants - which strike me as somewhat misleading, since I am actually pretty happy and the weather is perfect, but I'm thinking about this stuff and bored so hey - direct sales. DIRECT SALES!
I most certainly grew up with a pre-existing bias against pyramid schemes and direct sales companies and workers. I had a stepdad (who I had major problems with for other reasons) and a couple of questionable neighbors who were heavily into them - and it never seemed to matter what the business even was, only that the koolaid was being drunk. Pipe fitting materials, grass fed meat delivery, prepaid legal services, makeup, you name it. It always involved the same levels of enthusiasm that my stepdad got when he had one of his month long religious conversions, and then ended just as suddenly.
Then as an adult, I watched someone close to me seem to me to just...go off the deep end, trying to sell discount coupon deals. With a group that expected 12 hour days and promised riches, even though the boss lived in a shitty little apartment, pushed drugs on the lower level guys to enhance enthusiasm (really), and had pep rally type "parties" on the weekends where people only talked about the company. To this day when I see a Honda Civic filled with 5 jacked up looking 20 year olds in cheap dress shirts, I assume they're about to canvas a neighborhood after a huddle.
I think what always appalled me most about these entities as a whole was not that their claims were false (which they were often not - the prepaid legal services were legit, the makeup ok, the coupon books good deals), but the way they seemed to blur peoples' ideologies and identities. You can in no way leave work at work, if this is what work is. You have the materials all over your house, you look for ways to work it into personal conversations all the time, you have to swallow all your normal doubts and hesitations about constantly making sales pitches in grocery store lines and to the mailman and just throw yourself, mentally and completely, into this way of making a living. It alters personalities, sometimes more and sometimes less. At least in my experience.
So that is the place I'm coming from, and there's no way to pretend it doesn't influence my perception now. BUT, HOLY SHIT! EVERYONE is selling something, lately. Especially on facebook. I've got 3 sellers of nail wraps and 2 sellers of bags, 4 sellers of (different) health supplements and meal replacements - and I intentionally keep my friends list there small! I just looked, I have 137 fb friends, of which probably 120 are actually active and 10 are minors. So, wtf. I keep wondering if this is about the state of the economy, or peoples' growing desire to telecommute, or...
And fwiw I also have 4 painters, FIVE photographers, various writers who hawk their stuff, a preschool owner who pitches their events - but none of those people bother me. None of them make me feel awkward, pursued or pressured or, worse, intentionally tricked into anything. I suppose they are not salespeople for a living, they are doing whatever their art is, or educating, for a living. And, they view the general public, rather than those closest to them, as their customer base. That's probably key, right there.
Direct sales, even without the pyramid - it's like these intelligent, sincere people who I respect (not any one particular person - this is happening again, and again, and again) do not see the potential hurtfulness or manipulation in their tactics, when I think that if I explained the situations objectively as something that happened with someone else, they would be appalled.
In the last month, I've gotten THREE one on one fb private messages from people selling things. The really disappointing part is that they never START OUT selling things. They are real life friends, they engage me in seemingly normal conversation for the first time in awhile, and then they make me feel like a total dumbass. One of these was someone I haven't talked to in years, who sent me a friends' request, asked me about the kids, commented on all the stuff we have in common now and how "neat" that is...and then asked if I would please watch some educational videos about her products, which she really believes in. This was over about 10 minutes back and forth. That was the third one of the 3-in-a-month, and I told her straight up, no. I won't watch your videos. I'm inundated with these kinds of requests and I'm tired of being pitched by people I think are just acting friendly for the sake of friendship, but are actually biding their time hoping I'll be their next customer.
I don't even care at this point that she found that offensive - why am I NOT supposed to be offended when people invite me to events and parties, online and in real life, that just turn out to basically be emotional, high pressure ads? When the people never once mentioned during the conversations preceding the events, that they were about products they're selling? I would consider going to some of those kinds of events, pitched honestly, and then I wouldn't be irritated while I was there because it wouldn't be a surprise.
I've actually been invited to just come hang out with someone one on one, and then had them go for their pamphlets and offers once I settled into their living room. How is anyone even supposed to react in that situation? Are they really just sitting there wondering how the sales pitch is going to go? Because I'm sitting there feeling humiliated and duped, because I thought it was about, you know, friendship.
I understand that all (or most of) these products are legit, potentially beneficial, have changed your life, etc. I don't understand why you can't just be straight with me. I am a direct person, and however much I might get turned off by you coming right out and saying, "can I tell you about what I'm selling?" it is NOTHING compared to how genuinely hurt and then, later, pissed at you I'm going to be, when I realize our whole seemingly normal talk was you working up to a sales pitch. GAH! It just makes me feel like a fucking idiot for believing you wanted my company, or conversation, or whatever in a way that was just about me. If you do direct sales, don't do this to people. It's mean. It's fucked up. It undermines any credibility your business might have.
It's also insulting. I know all about the "foot in the door" phenomenon from my classes, and see that referenced online often these days, too. I have done phone sales before and been trained in sales techniques. These strategies are increasingly common knowledge, and seeing someone openly "play you" by a book...well, it sucks. If your product is that good, it shouldn't need a lot of manipulation and strategy when you're just talking about it with people you know, who already like you.
You know what's different about phone sales? Or door to door sales, or any other pushy-with-strangers sales? They don't involve the pressure, guilt and awkwardness that come from someone feeling obligated to you as a friend, lover, relative, etc. They don't blur the edges of private and professional in a deeply uncomfortable way that goes on after the phone is hung up, or the door is closed. I can't even imagine if, back when I was selling Usborne books, I'd went to my best friends and started quoting from a script and handing them things and just NOT expected them to call me on it. They're good books. They're books I like for my own kids. And my friends are people who deserve respect and honesty. As in, "Yeah I'm selling these now, mostly to libraries, preschools and doctors offices. If you're ever interested there are some good deals."
Sometimes now, there are people who double back and call me out for declining, which frankly blows my mind. I've had messages saying, "Tina, are you getting my group invitations? You haven't responded." FROM A RELATIVE. I've also had other relatives message me about that first relative, saying "Tina, are you getting her invites? She says you're not RSVPing." So yeah, don't get mad when I then say, "Yup, getting them and deleting them," or when I RSVP "no." Good lord! I spent two weeks removing myself from peoples' groups over and over and over, since you can be added against your will, and then got messages - "I keep trying to put you in my groups, so you can see my updates..." Yeah, I NOTICED! STOP THAT, immediately!
One LJ friend that I've added on facebook sent me a message asking if I would explain to her why I'm not willing to try some free samples of her nail sheets. The good thing about that exchange was that she totally understood when I was like, uh, because everyone is selling stuff, I'm tired of it, I have zero interest in nail sheets, I don't even paint my nails, etc. She is rational enough to accept that, to seem shocked by how surrounded I am, apologetic for adding to that, and most importantly to not use the conversation as an opportunity to TRY TO GET ME TO BUY STUFF, AGAIN.
And it is actually this ridiculous, I am not writing a dramatization. The garage where we get the cars serviced hawks Herbalife to us while we're there if we linger for like 30 seconds beyond necessities. We've known the owner guy for a long time and trust him with honesty in auto work, but you can't get him to break the sales "4th wall," either, it's like the zealousness about the product has integrated with his personhood. It really seems like some kind of cultish indoctrination, I chuckled once after turning him down, and said, "Wow, it seems like everyone in Homestead is selling Herbalife now..." and this dude looks me straight in the eye, leans his hands on the counter, and asks, "Do you need a lifestyle change?"
I need you to fuck off.
I actually said something like, "Uh, no thank you." It's flabbergasting, though. But they feel like they have to have that level of commitment and confidence to have any hope of convincing anyone else, and put all this work into never giving up on turning anyone into "a sale," or "a yes" or however their particular phrasing is. And honestly, he lost a ton of weight on Herbalife, he looks different. Herbalife probably works for a lot of people. Just like how I've lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers, and someone I know is losing a lot of weight with Nutrisystem and someone else did it by going Vegan. I lost a bunch of weight on Eat to Live one year, and I did the best ever with weight loss when I cut out all sugar and flour.
I think I've started to see the fervent desire to convince others to do a specific thing that worked for you as immature. This is outside of direct sales, I'm generalizing to all of life. I think that urge springs partially from a genuine longing to help people, but also partially from an inability to understand and accept that everyone is different. Their feelings, their thoughts, their physiology. People have completely individual genetic makeups, personal histories and general contexts... What worked miracles for you, assuming we are not talking about any scientifically accepted thing (and sometimes not even then) is in no way automatically relevant for anyone else, let alone everyone else. If they want help, if they are asking for help, you can offer your experience. And if it does work for them, yay! That really is awesome. People who want help do go seeking it. Sometimes it is good to jump in and rescue someone. But if you feel called to spread your particular solution to people whether they like it or not? I've begun to suspect that is shortsighted, regardless of the validity of the solution.
But that might just be bitterness talking? Or something I'd change my mind about. Obviously there's value in teaching each other, and in spreading information. I don't know where these lines are!
I've walked away and come back to this too many times, I gotta make some tacos.
