Jan. 12th, 2014

altarflame: (deluge)
Big stupid rant under here )

Behind-the-cut is just some details about all the ways that my exhaustion and brain fog mid fall-now, and my gazillion appointments, have made it really hard to keep up with anything more than kids, school, health, and (sometimes) Grant. When I have some time to chill, I REALLY really need it. Argh. I don't want to start telling extended relatives and RL people I don't know all that well, "I've been having some mega medical problems, and it's actually effecting my ability to live my life, so...sorry about that." Because I don't want to launch into deeper explanations, and because it makes me feel like shit. Instead, I just seem like a giant asshole :/

I was thinking the other day about how I don't even say it all here. I've fallen down about once a week on average for the past couple of months. Like, out places, just standing there, maybe walking - twice I was alone at school, once I'd just stepped out of my therapist's office and he ran out after me, concerned :/ Once with Ananda in our yard, once with Jake at a park (those felt the worst). I've always been clumsy so the first couple of times I was just like, "ugh, how embarrassing," but after the last time I had to stop and realize JUST HOW OFTEN this is really happening. Way too often. It was part of my talk with my doctor and part of why I might end up at a neuro but yeah. Not excited about that. I got really upset the last time, like, uh - should there come a point where I question whether I should be driving? I'd rather that point wasn't when I wrecked :/

I do feel (a lot) more clear headed since I started getting the B12 shots, and more energized, but the last couple of falls were last week and the week before. I stumble/shuffle/limp for the first few minutes after I get out of bed in the morning, and the first few steps after I've been sitting for more than a few minutes.

I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at about 3 miles an hour today, and when I've been standing there doing dishes I can dance around the kitchen with Elise, so it's not like my legs just don't work, but. Sometimes they don't work, man.


Anyway. Back to my regularly scheduled weekend of studying, cooking, cleaning, coping and hanging out with my family while everyone is home, as I ignore the snowballing avalanche of guilt re: people outside of our house...

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