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May. 15th, 2011 08:49 amI had a really, REALLY amazing time with my husband last night (like laughing continuously, lust often, literally crying from happiness once). And it's like...I don't know, the 8th or 10th time out of the last two weeks that have been this way?
I'm not always sure I even understand how this happened. But..damn. We were driving all over causeways and around water with lights everywhere, in Miami Beach, with the most epic music up super fucking loud and the windows down, and we were shopping for all kinds of things at the sex store that make me like...so aroused that I'm embarassed to be in a public place but kind of don't care. And we were eating really good food, and just stopping anywhere and everywhere with infinite possibilities.
I just feel so alive. This is world's apart from not able to be honest with him, feeling trapped in this marriage, feeling frustrated and alone. Geez.
I get freaked out, you know, I get emotionally confused if that makes sense like can I trust this? Can this last? Then other times I don't care. I told him the other night that if this "stops" I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him. Not cruising all over Miami Beach spending money in the middle of the night, but him being...open and serious and real and us being so connected. Like if he pulls back into himself, not like one day or for a week like any human is going to sometimes but in a permanent or indefinite way, after all these freaking candlelit bubble baths together and him hiding under his desk at work to cry for 2 hours on the phone with me while we had AMAZING breakthrough after AMAZING breakthrough....and we just go back to "he plays video games so can't fully hear what I'm saying, and wants his own blanket to sleep with in the bed at night"....if he goes back to repressing all his demons and being happy to never grow or change in life...I'm gonna have an involuntary heartbreak situation that won't be easy to mend :/ It's not a threat it's just...how it is. I can feel it there. We were at a rock bottom place and there was nothing to lose, in some ways, but now?
Now there's an awful lot to lose.
There's a lot to FIGURE OUT, about what is codependency and what is love and what is natural and what he really wants and what has to be done...and that's ok...I just don't want to stop figuring out. I don't want to drift into old patterns. We can find new routines - I can cope with that ok (I think at least?). Healthy routines. Reality, 2.0, if you will...regression is ok, too, and not the same as...quitting, I guess.
I'm really happy.
I am satisfied with how school is, SO IN LOVE WITH MY KIDS, SUPER excited about my writing and where it's going, happy in general with my friends and with music and books I'm finding and lychees being back in season. I'm cautiously thrilled and involuntarily seduced, in my marriage, which is massive...There is this dark shadow that is future surgery/troubles losing weight/how my stomach is/blah blah blah. But I can deal with it most of the time. It gets overwhelming but then it recedes and is just a part of a larger whole again. This huge schedule shift is still really overwhelming and a little surreal but that's good, in a way, because it makes everything feel different and new, which it kind of is, but I mean it seem less possible to revert to some kind of miserable waiting place where I just try to survive every day and fight to outlast the nightmares at night (PTSD). Moving forward is a good thing.
I'm not always sure I even understand how this happened. But..damn. We were driving all over causeways and around water with lights everywhere, in Miami Beach, with the most epic music up super fucking loud and the windows down, and we were shopping for all kinds of things at the sex store that make me like...so aroused that I'm embarassed to be in a public place but kind of don't care. And we were eating really good food, and just stopping anywhere and everywhere with infinite possibilities.
I just feel so alive. This is world's apart from not able to be honest with him, feeling trapped in this marriage, feeling frustrated and alone. Geez.
I get freaked out, you know, I get emotionally confused if that makes sense like can I trust this? Can this last? Then other times I don't care. I told him the other night that if this "stops" I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him. Not cruising all over Miami Beach spending money in the middle of the night, but him being...open and serious and real and us being so connected. Like if he pulls back into himself, not like one day or for a week like any human is going to sometimes but in a permanent or indefinite way, after all these freaking candlelit bubble baths together and him hiding under his desk at work to cry for 2 hours on the phone with me while we had AMAZING breakthrough after AMAZING breakthrough....and we just go back to "he plays video games so can't fully hear what I'm saying, and wants his own blanket to sleep with in the bed at night"....if he goes back to repressing all his demons and being happy to never grow or change in life...I'm gonna have an involuntary heartbreak situation that won't be easy to mend :/ It's not a threat it's just...how it is. I can feel it there. We were at a rock bottom place and there was nothing to lose, in some ways, but now?
Now there's an awful lot to lose.
There's a lot to FIGURE OUT, about what is codependency and what is love and what is natural and what he really wants and what has to be done...and that's ok...I just don't want to stop figuring out. I don't want to drift into old patterns. We can find new routines - I can cope with that ok (I think at least?). Healthy routines. Reality, 2.0, if you will...regression is ok, too, and not the same as...quitting, I guess.
I'm really happy.
I am satisfied with how school is, SO IN LOVE WITH MY KIDS, SUPER excited about my writing and where it's going, happy in general with my friends and with music and books I'm finding and lychees being back in season. I'm cautiously thrilled and involuntarily seduced, in my marriage, which is massive...There is this dark shadow that is future surgery/troubles losing weight/how my stomach is/blah blah blah. But I can deal with it most of the time. It gets overwhelming but then it recedes and is just a part of a larger whole again. This huge schedule shift is still really overwhelming and a little surreal but that's good, in a way, because it makes everything feel different and new, which it kind of is, but I mean it seem less possible to revert to some kind of miserable waiting place where I just try to survive every day and fight to outlast the nightmares at night (PTSD). Moving forward is a good thing.
