(no subject)

I've been really REALLY busy the past two days. But!

I'm actually enrolled in classes for the summer :D I am really psyched about this. Really, really, really psyched. It's been so long since I was in school, and SO LONG since I was in school anything like full time. Two things that are getting me hyped up about it are that, one, I actually managed to get financial aid and everything is paid for plus some(without loans), I mean wow - and two, I'm really confident about the kind of schedule I set up here for myself even with the kids home and Grant working full time.

I'm doing one Tuesday and Thursday evening class the first 6 week session of summer, and another Tues/Thurs evening class the second 6 week session. Then I have one class on Saturday mornings, for the full 12 weeks, and one class through the virtual school (also full 12 weeks). So, 4 classes/12 credits - SO FREAKING MANAGEABLE. It gives me hope that even if the kids don't get into this school or I decide I'm just not sending them, I can still do this. With a quickness.

I'm taking two cats to the Meow Mobile tomorrow morning to get spayed and neutered, respectively. I went and borrowed a couple of cat carriers from a friend today to take them in with, as I found out at the last minute that they don't allow big dog carriers or doubling up, which had been my plan based on what we've got here. They are the two kittens of Chrysanthemum's that we're keeping. One is Ananda's cat Sylvia, the other is mine, and I call him something different everytime I reference him thus far. Two main contenders for permanent names are Archibald and Uncle Cousin.

My life is a lot of really exciting amazing stuff, and a lot of really horrible crap, right now, but at least I have balance?

The good is so good:
-Memo is totally in love with my kids' book now that he's read it and working on sketches and making me wait to see his cover idea because he wants it perfect first...this will definitely be a self published, Amazon on demand thing as it's an irregular length that is no longer marketed (even though I have tons of books with similar formats my kids love from 10+ years ago...)
-I'm emailing an artist back and forth who's work has REALLY moved and hit me, for use in my surgery book, and that is super exciting, too, especially with Nancy already on board to write my forward...that book itself is about half done. This is a book I think I'd like to try to traditionally publish, though I go back and forth.
-my 20-story short story collection is at 19 stories, and formatted, and seeming like, well...a BOOK!
-I'm registered for college full time starting in only about a month! *this is me doing mental backflips, the only sort I could ever manage*
-Grant and I have had a great week minus just a couple of small troubles when the last couple of months hit us again, and are connecting in some really great ways, and...I just appreciate him an awful lot. I find myself getting all excited when he'll be home from work soon, and giddy when I see him standing there so beautiful. I don't think we're just magically past every rough spot but I do think it was super helpful to talk out things that were unsaid and that he is also really making some big efforts at positive changes...this is huge, especially when we're having the most lovey-awesome-boundary-pushing-brand-new sex. I don't know how we're still managing to think of/try new things, but I LOVE IT.
-My plants are still alive! And they make me happy literally every time they're in my field of vision!
-Isaac is reading, Annie has mastered division, Jake's handwriting is off the chain - I'm just feeling really good about their homeschooling lately and sent off the registrations and checks for those enrichment classes yesterday. I just printed out a bunch of book report templates, actually. Aaron is asking questions that blow my mind, science and current event questions, and his reading is so above grade level - we're going back to him doing half an hour of silent reading every day...
-I have so many great people I care about, even outside of this house - my sister is so wonderful and such a part of everyday life, and my friends - from Kristin understanding everything to Jess to laugh with to David who I'm so glad I have again to Memo who I'm collaborating with...it makes me happy. Really happy.


The bad:
-I was just in the ER again last week. I'm triggered as all get out, I'm in pain pretty often. Just remembering that surgery is coming and that it is such a hurdle to get financially is enough to freeze me in my tracks and ruin my entire day.*
-We still have these moments, G and I, when it is really heavy, and really hard, and just unhinges everything and makes me feel bitter. It's still scary and not assumed, sometimes.
-There's never enough sleep or enough hours in the day
-I really am having a hell of a time faith-wise and I think about it A LOT, every day. FEEL it a lot, everyday. I'm still going to Mass and RCIA every week and I still have a mostly Christian worldview but prayer feels impossible and my doubts are just growing exponentially in a way that is sort of heartbreaking, and sort of awful in that it's not heartbreaking, if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway. In frippery news, I got this ring at Target and it is HUGE and I LOVE.IT.

Aaaand, Annie lost a tooth tonight. There is something inherently...jarring... about having a daughter with armpit hair and breasts that is still losing her baby teeth.


*Our plan is to try to have this done, really get it done, at the end of the summer...in between summer and fall terms, which is when he'll be able to take time off work...until then it's a mission to lose weight and figure out the money part. Which may involve getting GPs and surgeons to write to an insurance company saying I need the full muscle reconstruction and skin tightening of a tummy tuck to fix my real medical problems, and must get them (this is after I have coverage again...), so they have to cover it. Or finding a co-signer to finance. Or...something I have yet to determine. I'm switching from one month on, one month off Eat to Live, which I had kind of fallen off of anyway, to on during the week and off on the weekends. Having a date in mind makes it way easier to see as emergent and temporary, both of which help me stick to it.

Nevermind how I go into a black depression and tense into a tightly coiled ball of anxiety everytime I think of this surgery. I'm going to focus on the amazingness that will be NOT HAVING IT HANGING OVER MY HEAD ANYMORE.


The End.