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The biggest thing going on in my life is marital strife...basically, I have the best husband in the world and am an ungrateful bitch.
It's not quite exactly like that, but it sort of feels like it. Basically I've been having a very hard time for between 2 weeks and a year and a half (depending on which particular issue) with various issues. They're issues that feel sort of irreconcilable to me, in that they are nothing new - they're things I understood when I agreed to marry Grant that have always been as they are. So, it seems unfair and sort of irrational to suddenly find them impossible or act as though they're deal breakers... I was hoping my hard time would pass, but instead it's intensified.
I thought awhile back about how a lot of my happiness - a codependent, dysfunctional level of it - comes (or does not come) directly from my marriage, so I started making more of an effort to have friends and a social life and step up my spiritual life, too, as a way to balance that and hopefully be more fulfilled in general...I've been doing way more talking on the phone, facebook chatting, visits in and out with others and of course attending RCIA on my own, over the past many months.
Then before New Years I had my personal crisis about how I'm not happy, I'm restless, I have little to show out of the last couple of years but survival and have slacked off as a mother, etc - so I've been working on all these personal things - registering for college and financial aid for college, taking the placement exam, meeting with advisement, querying agents, taking more time to write, getting an artist friend to illustrate my children's book and dieting, excercising...my thoughts have gone that, 1., maybe I would be happier in my relationship if I was happier in general, and, 2. maybe I could deal more easily with being unhappy in my relationship, if I had more other things that made me happy. Also been working on the mother part, making sure to really attend to my top priority kind of stuff (being emotionally present with them, finding time to talk one on one with everybody regularly, remembering their Love Languages - that seems hokey as hell but there is really something to it, and the adult version). My unconscious assumptive sort of plan has been to do better for/with them, publish something, lose weight, get close to God and involved at church, attend classes, and then re-evaluate.
But Grant has known something was up for long enough that it's been causing him to act erratic and (seemingly) paranoid. I was really freaked by his fearful attitude and weird suspicions for a long time (like 6 months+) because I was really in denial about my own (bad) feelings. For the last two or so months, I've had more of a grip on myself and thus more of an idea of what he was picking up on, and that has been hard to deal with. Anyway, long story short, it's been making him nuts knowing I am hiding things (thoughts/feelings...it's not like I'm cheating or planning to leave). He's asked so often as I've come to be more honest with myself and my feelings have intensified that I was starting to feel really dishonest, and anyway, I ended up telling him everything in a tearful sobbing hysteria over the past week. That's right, I've been frequently sobbing and hysterical the entire week, as we go through many a tedious and gut wrenching 2 hour long conversation. It's...exhausting.
There is just something extremely terrifying about possibly dropping an atom bomb on your entire life. It's much less "real" to keep your crazy thoughts in your own crazy head. Which is a big part of why I took so long to reveal my crazy thoughts. Also, I didn't want to hurt Grant, and also-also, I kept waiting for this to pass or trying to figure out to what degree it's just part of my general questioning of everything in my life (faith, homeschooling, etc) or PTSD or no more babies or whatever. I'm in a generally transitional period of mental upheaval. Overblown as that sounds. Basically, I didn't (don't) want to do irreparable damage to something precious to me.
But, it is a Serious Cardinal Sin within Grant and my established set of relationship guidelines, to keep secrets. So just the fact that I was hiding anything for a significant period of time poses major trust issues for him...he is feeling really betrayed :/ And now that it's all out in the open, and he wants to know what I'm thinking/feeling that much more often, and with a much more justified and urgent sense of concern, it is REALLY STRESSFUL for me to know that my cyclical thoughts and feelings are most likely going to keep cycling for now...I mean I feel like I have to keep some kind of vice lock on my brain around him lest I reveal more hurt and scariness to this poor man who is really, really freaked. I mean the things I'm upset about are valid things I think a lot of people would be upset about, except that, as I said, they're things I understood and accepted as part of the deal from the get-go...he wants to change anyway.
We're both going to a counselor individually - same guy for us both - and we may do some sessions together but for now we both think we need more individual. I also went and talked to a priest (as well as some of my friends).
Anyway, my prioritized list of preferences/options for how this is gonna go down basically goes like this:
(optimal)
Grant and I can be happy together.
(dealable)
Grant and I can be content and satisfied together.
(sucky)
Grant and I stay together miserable.
(I feel like I should clarify that this is, to some degree, hyperbole...because even right now we manage to laugh at times, and to hug...but I think you know what I mean)
Because, really, I am not willing to break up this family. Even if I was, it's not a financial option on any level. Even if both of those things weren't true, I can't really imagine my life without Grant in it and I keep thinking that I must be delusional here, in general.
I've found myself obsessed with the idea of plants. Plants as a metaphor for something alive and thriving. Plants brought into the house showing that our house is still developing and being improved. Plants not dead because I nurture them and am not failing, at having plants. I broke down in Lowe's thinking how we can't afford more plants, and how they are one more thing I've failed at (in the past), then waited until we basically could afford some, and got a bunch (of cheap ones). And replanted them in things we already had and now I walk around looking at them feeling happier, a lot. A lot a lot. And plot more plants I can eventually get. It's sort of pathetic but sort of just helpful and hopeful. My brother keeps raising one eyebrow about how green and leafy the place is getting.
I think Grant might be feeling similarly, as he obsessively plans, maps and shops for a garden.
More later...this didn't turn out as riff raffy or bric a braky as I anticipated, just got too long...
It's not quite exactly like that, but it sort of feels like it. Basically I've been having a very hard time for between 2 weeks and a year and a half (depending on which particular issue) with various issues. They're issues that feel sort of irreconcilable to me, in that they are nothing new - they're things I understood when I agreed to marry Grant that have always been as they are. So, it seems unfair and sort of irrational to suddenly find them impossible or act as though they're deal breakers... I was hoping my hard time would pass, but instead it's intensified.
I thought awhile back about how a lot of my happiness - a codependent, dysfunctional level of it - comes (or does not come) directly from my marriage, so I started making more of an effort to have friends and a social life and step up my spiritual life, too, as a way to balance that and hopefully be more fulfilled in general...I've been doing way more talking on the phone, facebook chatting, visits in and out with others and of course attending RCIA on my own, over the past many months.
Then before New Years I had my personal crisis about how I'm not happy, I'm restless, I have little to show out of the last couple of years but survival and have slacked off as a mother, etc - so I've been working on all these personal things - registering for college and financial aid for college, taking the placement exam, meeting with advisement, querying agents, taking more time to write, getting an artist friend to illustrate my children's book and dieting, excercising...my thoughts have gone that, 1., maybe I would be happier in my relationship if I was happier in general, and, 2. maybe I could deal more easily with being unhappy in my relationship, if I had more other things that made me happy. Also been working on the mother part, making sure to really attend to my top priority kind of stuff (being emotionally present with them, finding time to talk one on one with everybody regularly, remembering their Love Languages - that seems hokey as hell but there is really something to it, and the adult version). My unconscious assumptive sort of plan has been to do better for/with them, publish something, lose weight, get close to God and involved at church, attend classes, and then re-evaluate.
But Grant has known something was up for long enough that it's been causing him to act erratic and (seemingly) paranoid. I was really freaked by his fearful attitude and weird suspicions for a long time (like 6 months+) because I was really in denial about my own (bad) feelings. For the last two or so months, I've had more of a grip on myself and thus more of an idea of what he was picking up on, and that has been hard to deal with. Anyway, long story short, it's been making him nuts knowing I am hiding things (thoughts/feelings...it's not like I'm cheating or planning to leave). He's asked so often as I've come to be more honest with myself and my feelings have intensified that I was starting to feel really dishonest, and anyway, I ended up telling him everything in a tearful sobbing hysteria over the past week. That's right, I've been frequently sobbing and hysterical the entire week, as we go through many a tedious and gut wrenching 2 hour long conversation. It's...exhausting.
There is just something extremely terrifying about possibly dropping an atom bomb on your entire life. It's much less "real" to keep your crazy thoughts in your own crazy head. Which is a big part of why I took so long to reveal my crazy thoughts. Also, I didn't want to hurt Grant, and also-also, I kept waiting for this to pass or trying to figure out to what degree it's just part of my general questioning of everything in my life (faith, homeschooling, etc) or PTSD or no more babies or whatever. I'm in a generally transitional period of mental upheaval. Overblown as that sounds. Basically, I didn't (don't) want to do irreparable damage to something precious to me.
But, it is a Serious Cardinal Sin within Grant and my established set of relationship guidelines, to keep secrets. So just the fact that I was hiding anything for a significant period of time poses major trust issues for him...he is feeling really betrayed :/ And now that it's all out in the open, and he wants to know what I'm thinking/feeling that much more often, and with a much more justified and urgent sense of concern, it is REALLY STRESSFUL for me to know that my cyclical thoughts and feelings are most likely going to keep cycling for now...I mean I feel like I have to keep some kind of vice lock on my brain around him lest I reveal more hurt and scariness to this poor man who is really, really freaked. I mean the things I'm upset about are valid things I think a lot of people would be upset about, except that, as I said, they're things I understood and accepted as part of the deal from the get-go...he wants to change anyway.
We're both going to a counselor individually - same guy for us both - and we may do some sessions together but for now we both think we need more individual. I also went and talked to a priest (as well as some of my friends).
Anyway, my prioritized list of preferences/options for how this is gonna go down basically goes like this:
(optimal)
Grant and I can be happy together.
(dealable)
Grant and I can be content and satisfied together.
(sucky)
Grant and I stay together miserable.
(I feel like I should clarify that this is, to some degree, hyperbole...because even right now we manage to laugh at times, and to hug...but I think you know what I mean)
Because, really, I am not willing to break up this family. Even if I was, it's not a financial option on any level. Even if both of those things weren't true, I can't really imagine my life without Grant in it and I keep thinking that I must be delusional here, in general.
I've found myself obsessed with the idea of plants. Plants as a metaphor for something alive and thriving. Plants brought into the house showing that our house is still developing and being improved. Plants not dead because I nurture them and am not failing, at having plants. I broke down in Lowe's thinking how we can't afford more plants, and how they are one more thing I've failed at (in the past), then waited until we basically could afford some, and got a bunch (of cheap ones). And replanted them in things we already had and now I walk around looking at them feeling happier, a lot. A lot a lot. And plot more plants I can eventually get. It's sort of pathetic but sort of just helpful and hopeful. My brother keeps raising one eyebrow about how green and leafy the place is getting.
I think Grant might be feeling similarly, as he obsessively plans, maps and shops for a garden.
More later...this didn't turn out as riff raffy or bric a braky as I anticipated, just got too long...
