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THIS ALL SUCKS
Dec. 21st, 2009 04:29 pmToday is my brother's day. His limit. His deadline. Today is the day my brother is supposed to have a job by if he wants to live here.
He does not have a job.
He is not out applying at jobs.
I've warned him and talked with him and taken him to my friend the life coach and my brother in law has dragged him around to jobs and MADE him apply, several times. I've told him I'll give him bus fare, told him where walking distance places are, told him he can take Grant's bike ANYTIME. I've done a countdown-with-pep talk thing at 3 weeks, 2 weeks, 1 week and 3 days to go, reminding him of the deadline and our deal each time.
He has had a giant temper tantrum daily for the past 3 days. Like last night, we took him with us out to the everglades to have grilled-outdoors dinner under the stars, and he was playing with Isaac, and Isaac started to cry - which is SO TYPICAL WE BARELY NOTICE, Isaac was fine again within 2 minutes at most - but my brother went and sat in the van, hands folded over his chest, death metal iPod blaring in his earpieces, PISSED. I went to talk to him after a couple of minutes - "What's going on? Why are you mad?" I honestly didn't even know, but he spit out "It's not even worth it to try to play with him!" And then cracked his knuckles and scowled and refused food until we all left.
I DON'T NEED THIS IN MY LIFE.
But I love him. ANd he's outside playing football with the kids right now. And he helped so much with getting the house clean for the blessingway. And he's even said he'll kill himself if we kick him out?
Because that's totally playing fair.
I know that's manipulative bs, and I also know he might really do it,and I don't want to deal with that. But I can't just let him live here forever out of fear of him killing himself, I mean, COME ON. But...what if he does? I can say, "I'm not responsible for that", but I don't really FEEL that way.
I've actually been trying to tell him for the past two days that I have an ultimatum for him, and if he will tell me he's going to commit to radical changes, he can stay. Radical changes means walking his ass out the door every day and staying out, for hours, applying for jobs. By foot or bus, we'll provide fare. EVERY DAY, at least 2 hours. And, continuing to meet with Michelle weekly, as well as doing the followup "assignments" he's ignored from their last meeting, and NOT glower-glaring at us and just halting conversations and activities when he's pissed about nothing. I told him I understand if he needs a few minutes, OR if he wants to tell us how pissed he is and be mad - but hanging around trying to ruin everyone else's time is not ok, and neither is ignoring people who are knocking on your door or standing there talking to you.
BUT HE WON'T EVEN AGREE TO THIS. Grant gave him until tonight. He changes the subject every time we bring it up.
So tired of all this. I feel so depressed and FRUSTRATED today. I'm taking the kids over to Laura's to play in her lake-beaches sand. Tomorrow Aaron has a playdate with his friend Adam and the next day we're going to Kristin's to make marshmallows.
One thing that kills me is I don't even logistically know what kicking him out means. Does he just walk out the door and sleep outside? That's ridiculous. Isn't it? What if he refuses to go? Am I supposed to call the cops or something? That's ridiculous, too. We have a friend of the family in Jacksonville, who's offered to take him in before, and I contacted him via facebook about this. But he's in Jacksonville. I can't afford a bus ticket for Bob, which would still leave all of his stuff here. He's not gonna walk to Jacksonville. This all sucks, I'm so pissed at him for putting himself in this position, why can't he just freaking CALL PLACES AND FOLLOW UP, what is so damned beneath him about dollar stores or fast food, argh.
Then I try to talk to him - gently, patiently - about his temper, and he shrugs and says "Jud". Like that explains it all. Yeah, Jud's not even allowed to visit this house, bud, he sure as hell is not gonna be living here. He's just GIVING UP and I want to kick his ass for it.
I feel like I'm dealing with Jud again, sometimes, or Bobby circa 2001. I feel like he's setting me back years and turning me into a version of myself I don't like, that nags and has no boundaries. I don't want to give up on him and ALSO. Also?
I don't know if she's doing it on purpose or what, but I strongly get the feeling that my mother will never forgive me for kicking him out, WOULD blame me if he killed himself, and that every time I speak with her she is implying I'm not doing enough. Which is all bunk, I know, because I've done tons for him over the years and she has not exactly been perfect, but. It hurts me a LOT. SHe wants to act like it's a big awesome deal for him to even come out of his room to talk with us and is totally exasperated by me ever ranting about him. It makes me nauseus.
He does not have a job.
He is not out applying at jobs.
I've warned him and talked with him and taken him to my friend the life coach and my brother in law has dragged him around to jobs and MADE him apply, several times. I've told him I'll give him bus fare, told him where walking distance places are, told him he can take Grant's bike ANYTIME. I've done a countdown-with-pep talk thing at 3 weeks, 2 weeks, 1 week and 3 days to go, reminding him of the deadline and our deal each time.
He has had a giant temper tantrum daily for the past 3 days. Like last night, we took him with us out to the everglades to have grilled-outdoors dinner under the stars, and he was playing with Isaac, and Isaac started to cry - which is SO TYPICAL WE BARELY NOTICE, Isaac was fine again within 2 minutes at most - but my brother went and sat in the van, hands folded over his chest, death metal iPod blaring in his earpieces, PISSED. I went to talk to him after a couple of minutes - "What's going on? Why are you mad?" I honestly didn't even know, but he spit out "It's not even worth it to try to play with him!" And then cracked his knuckles and scowled and refused food until we all left.
I DON'T NEED THIS IN MY LIFE.
But I love him. ANd he's outside playing football with the kids right now. And he helped so much with getting the house clean for the blessingway. And he's even said he'll kill himself if we kick him out?
Because that's totally playing fair.
I know that's manipulative bs, and I also know he might really do it,and I don't want to deal with that. But I can't just let him live here forever out of fear of him killing himself, I mean, COME ON. But...what if he does? I can say, "I'm not responsible for that", but I don't really FEEL that way.
I've actually been trying to tell him for the past two days that I have an ultimatum for him, and if he will tell me he's going to commit to radical changes, he can stay. Radical changes means walking his ass out the door every day and staying out, for hours, applying for jobs. By foot or bus, we'll provide fare. EVERY DAY, at least 2 hours. And, continuing to meet with Michelle weekly, as well as doing the followup "assignments" he's ignored from their last meeting, and NOT glower-glaring at us and just halting conversations and activities when he's pissed about nothing. I told him I understand if he needs a few minutes, OR if he wants to tell us how pissed he is and be mad - but hanging around trying to ruin everyone else's time is not ok, and neither is ignoring people who are knocking on your door or standing there talking to you.
BUT HE WON'T EVEN AGREE TO THIS. Grant gave him until tonight. He changes the subject every time we bring it up.
So tired of all this. I feel so depressed and FRUSTRATED today. I'm taking the kids over to Laura's to play in her lake-beaches sand. Tomorrow Aaron has a playdate with his friend Adam and the next day we're going to Kristin's to make marshmallows.
One thing that kills me is I don't even logistically know what kicking him out means. Does he just walk out the door and sleep outside? That's ridiculous. Isn't it? What if he refuses to go? Am I supposed to call the cops or something? That's ridiculous, too. We have a friend of the family in Jacksonville, who's offered to take him in before, and I contacted him via facebook about this. But he's in Jacksonville. I can't afford a bus ticket for Bob, which would still leave all of his stuff here. He's not gonna walk to Jacksonville. This all sucks, I'm so pissed at him for putting himself in this position, why can't he just freaking CALL PLACES AND FOLLOW UP, what is so damned beneath him about dollar stores or fast food, argh.
Then I try to talk to him - gently, patiently - about his temper, and he shrugs and says "Jud". Like that explains it all. Yeah, Jud's not even allowed to visit this house, bud, he sure as hell is not gonna be living here. He's just GIVING UP and I want to kick his ass for it.
I feel like I'm dealing with Jud again, sometimes, or Bobby circa 2001. I feel like he's setting me back years and turning me into a version of myself I don't like, that nags and has no boundaries. I don't want to give up on him and ALSO. Also?
I don't know if she's doing it on purpose or what, but I strongly get the feeling that my mother will never forgive me for kicking him out, WOULD blame me if he killed himself, and that every time I speak with her she is implying I'm not doing enough. Which is all bunk, I know, because I've done tons for him over the years and she has not exactly been perfect, but. It hurts me a LOT. SHe wants to act like it's a big awesome deal for him to even come out of his room to talk with us and is totally exasperated by me ever ranting about him. It makes me nauseus.
