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I'm feeling really extraordinarily emotional tonight. It's a big jumble of a lot of largely unrelated things.
-I have this statue thing on my desk, that I bought the other day - it's a mother holding a swaddled baby close in the circle of her arms, with her face touching the baby's. It captured a feeling I get very well. So well that I have no doubt whatsoever that there will come a point in maybe a year when I look at it and just ache from the idea of never having another baby again. It has text on the back that actually made me cry in the store, just based on the day I was having. It says, I may never paint a masterpiece, write a novel or sing onstage, never orchestrate world peace. But when I look at you I know that you are my masterpiece. You are music from Heaven. You are my Peace. I've been cuddling and snuggling alone with Elise for hours while the rest of the house sleeps, tonight...it's so easy to make her laugh, and she's so communicative now - with her nodding yes and shaking her head no, and waving and signing milk - she points at things now, too, and has such a temper. She's figuring out all these little things, like whenever I ask anyone to look at her she immediately looks to them when she hears it, or if Grant picks up his keys, she runs to the front door like she wants to go, too. And then Jake, you know, my Jakey...I don't even know what to say about all of this. They are just so small, and so sweet, and so adorable together, and when I have them in my lap I remember holding Ananda and Aaron in my lap and I squeeze them, and nearly burst from love and thankfulness.
I feel like that Neutral Milk Hotel song,
What a beautiful face I have found in this place
That is circling around the sun,
What a glorious dream that could flash on the screen
And be gone in the blink of an eye from me
Soft and sweet, let me hold it close and keep it here
With me
And one day we will die and our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young, let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see...
Sometimes I think I'm not going to be able to stand it anymore - having so much to lose, I mean. Some days I just start crying because I feel so vulnerable and it scares me so badly. That girl who broke up with Grant semi-annually just because I couldn't deal with him being mortal still pipes up sometimes that this is all just a little too intense. Ananda and I went out to dinner alone last night and the whole time I watched her grinning and shining with "Just me and mom" vibrancy and it was like I used the back of my brain to follow the conversation but the whole front was just awestruck. How did that baby I fell asleep staring at every night turn into someone who says things like, "We still have a lot of time to teach Isaac how to deal with things better, before we unleash him on society."
-Totally unrelated, but I've wanted to talk about our tything because it thrills me to the core...but not known how, because it would interfere with the privacy of some people other lj'ers would recognize, and I don't want to just feel like I'm tooting my own horn or something. It feels so good, though, and it makes me GIDDY to be able to do - what an amazing thing, to have the opportunity to really, really help other people in ways that will truly impact their lives, you know? I'm going to talk about it a little, because it rocks.
There is a little girl with severe disabilities who needs medical equipment not covered by insurance that could possibly improve her quality of life, and I can buy it for her so she can have that chance she deserves.
There is a single mother who loves her special needs child THROUGH THE ROOF and suffers guilt because she's often at work, can't give everything she wants to, to him, and struggles by on a tiny budget, and I have been over the moon imagining her opening her mailbox to be surprised by a FAT check she never saw coming that she can do whatever she wants to with.
The Catholic church paid my rent and gave me bags of groceries more than once, when *I* was a single mother, and individual Catholics have also inspire my faith in big ways, and I can donate something significant to a church near me.
I can give back to the church A and A went to VBS at, where they and Isaac have and love AWANA every week.
Grant can make a contribution to the church he has been loving going to, that he feels is doing great things in Homestead.
There is a website called Kiva.org - you should all go check it out! It is amazing. You lend - that's right, you get it back - money to people in impoverished countries that have no banks to help them get businesses started. Small time entrepeneurs, women trying to expand their fruit stands, men trying to start a shoe store, families that could get ahead if they just had 3 more sheep to sheer each season. The payback rate is like 98% - WAY highher than US banks. You go to the website, read through stories and look through pictures and decide who's cause you want to get behind. If someone needs a $300 loan, 30 people can do $10, or you can go put in $150 until someone else comes and does the rest, or you can pay it all for a few people, or whatever. We set up an account there and can just keep putting it back into different people every time we get it back again (there is no interest as it is a non-profit).
Do you know how long I've wanted to sponsor a child or two for? Specific kids, over the years - medical stuff, food, education, writing letters back and forth, maybe even meeting one day? Do you know how I've cried about the state of Russian orphanages and wished there was something I could do, even if it was just donating supplies or something so meager?
It is great to buy a house, very exciting but also scary and a little overwhelming. It is INCREDIBLE to pay off $62k in debt in a few days. It is nice to have a retirement fund growing or life insurance for peace of mind, it will be cool and very convenient to have a second vehicle. But all of it leaves me with this deep unease, this sense of "...so that's it, and I'm supposed to think this makes up for the lowest point in my life? And all the future complications I still live in fear of every day? I'll just forget the sense of violation and the freaking mind-numbing pain I dealt with and the walls I had to put up around my heart to keep thoughts of my kids creeping in..." I could go on. I could go nuts. But when I imagine that little girl I mentioned actually making some progress because this whole deal facilitated help for her family to get the things she needs? When I think of that other mom taking that check to the bank? When I imagine being a part of big organizations of help and healing and small individuals' lives at the same time...It feels like healing. Like justice. Like...Alright - maybe in the end, this WILL have been worth it.
It is a very good thing to be blessed with the resources to give back, when I've received so much help from other people over the years.
Speaking of which, it is also very cool to be able to directly "give back" to some of them specifically - like my sister, my mother, Shaun and Grant Sr specifically.
-Again, totally unrelated: I've been thinking of how I'm kind of hiding behind this whole "Will I get to OFFICIALLY write full time for a year" idea a lot - I don't want to write for a couple of hours on some of Grant's off days or when I have the energy at night, I want it all or nothing. And it's that same part of me that is afraid of vulnerability. I'd like to hedge my bets for success, you know, and I'd feel safer with the validation of that support, and I'd like to have an out, too, like, if I DON'T get that year, then I can feel like a person who never got the chance and the chance was all she needed. She was incredible, she had great ideas, and oh yeah OF COURSE she was motivated and discplined enough to really make it happen - but instead she sacrificed her opportunity for her kids. Which is admirable, she's a great mom, her kids are awesome.
I was cranking out short stories about once every two weeks and planning my c-section book in little bursts, but ever since this idea has been on the table, I've been paralyzed with anticipation and excitement and fear, and not done any writing or planning at all. I've just sat around on pins and needles, updating this thing all the time and talking with G about our options.
What I'm saying is, I think that if it's going to happen it's going to be because I MAKE it happen. When I wrote Cracked, it came pouring out night after night in the wee hours of the morning, constant and gushing. I'm basically up all night alone again, now. Shopping online and link hopping on LJ and watching late night tv for too long after whoever I've nursed down on the couch has dropped. Procrastinating doing the dishes by reading news stories and looking at nonsense. I could be getting a lot done, if I just started doing it. Should I be sleeping? Yes. Will I be awake regardless anyway? Yes again.
-I have this statue thing on my desk, that I bought the other day - it's a mother holding a swaddled baby close in the circle of her arms, with her face touching the baby's. It captured a feeling I get very well. So well that I have no doubt whatsoever that there will come a point in maybe a year when I look at it and just ache from the idea of never having another baby again. It has text on the back that actually made me cry in the store, just based on the day I was having. It says, I may never paint a masterpiece, write a novel or sing onstage, never orchestrate world peace. But when I look at you I know that you are my masterpiece. You are music from Heaven. You are my Peace. I've been cuddling and snuggling alone with Elise for hours while the rest of the house sleeps, tonight...it's so easy to make her laugh, and she's so communicative now - with her nodding yes and shaking her head no, and waving and signing milk - she points at things now, too, and has such a temper. She's figuring out all these little things, like whenever I ask anyone to look at her she immediately looks to them when she hears it, or if Grant picks up his keys, she runs to the front door like she wants to go, too. And then Jake, you know, my Jakey...I don't even know what to say about all of this. They are just so small, and so sweet, and so adorable together, and when I have them in my lap I remember holding Ananda and Aaron in my lap and I squeeze them, and nearly burst from love and thankfulness.
I feel like that Neutral Milk Hotel song,
What a beautiful face I have found in this place
That is circling around the sun,
What a glorious dream that could flash on the screen
And be gone in the blink of an eye from me
Soft and sweet, let me hold it close and keep it here
With me
And one day we will die and our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young, let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see...
Sometimes I think I'm not going to be able to stand it anymore - having so much to lose, I mean. Some days I just start crying because I feel so vulnerable and it scares me so badly. That girl who broke up with Grant semi-annually just because I couldn't deal with him being mortal still pipes up sometimes that this is all just a little too intense. Ananda and I went out to dinner alone last night and the whole time I watched her grinning and shining with "Just me and mom" vibrancy and it was like I used the back of my brain to follow the conversation but the whole front was just awestruck. How did that baby I fell asleep staring at every night turn into someone who says things like, "We still have a lot of time to teach Isaac how to deal with things better, before we unleash him on society."
-Totally unrelated, but I've wanted to talk about our tything because it thrills me to the core...but not known how, because it would interfere with the privacy of some people other lj'ers would recognize, and I don't want to just feel like I'm tooting my own horn or something. It feels so good, though, and it makes me GIDDY to be able to do - what an amazing thing, to have the opportunity to really, really help other people in ways that will truly impact their lives, you know? I'm going to talk about it a little, because it rocks.
There is a little girl with severe disabilities who needs medical equipment not covered by insurance that could possibly improve her quality of life, and I can buy it for her so she can have that chance she deserves.
There is a single mother who loves her special needs child THROUGH THE ROOF and suffers guilt because she's often at work, can't give everything she wants to, to him, and struggles by on a tiny budget, and I have been over the moon imagining her opening her mailbox to be surprised by a FAT check she never saw coming that she can do whatever she wants to with.
The Catholic church paid my rent and gave me bags of groceries more than once, when *I* was a single mother, and individual Catholics have also inspire my faith in big ways, and I can donate something significant to a church near me.
I can give back to the church A and A went to VBS at, where they and Isaac have and love AWANA every week.
Grant can make a contribution to the church he has been loving going to, that he feels is doing great things in Homestead.
There is a website called Kiva.org - you should all go check it out! It is amazing. You lend - that's right, you get it back - money to people in impoverished countries that have no banks to help them get businesses started. Small time entrepeneurs, women trying to expand their fruit stands, men trying to start a shoe store, families that could get ahead if they just had 3 more sheep to sheer each season. The payback rate is like 98% - WAY highher than US banks. You go to the website, read through stories and look through pictures and decide who's cause you want to get behind. If someone needs a $300 loan, 30 people can do $10, or you can go put in $150 until someone else comes and does the rest, or you can pay it all for a few people, or whatever. We set up an account there and can just keep putting it back into different people every time we get it back again (there is no interest as it is a non-profit).
Do you know how long I've wanted to sponsor a child or two for? Specific kids, over the years - medical stuff, food, education, writing letters back and forth, maybe even meeting one day? Do you know how I've cried about the state of Russian orphanages and wished there was something I could do, even if it was just donating supplies or something so meager?
It is great to buy a house, very exciting but also scary and a little overwhelming. It is INCREDIBLE to pay off $62k in debt in a few days. It is nice to have a retirement fund growing or life insurance for peace of mind, it will be cool and very convenient to have a second vehicle. But all of it leaves me with this deep unease, this sense of "...so that's it, and I'm supposed to think this makes up for the lowest point in my life? And all the future complications I still live in fear of every day? I'll just forget the sense of violation and the freaking mind-numbing pain I dealt with and the walls I had to put up around my heart to keep thoughts of my kids creeping in..." I could go on. I could go nuts. But when I imagine that little girl I mentioned actually making some progress because this whole deal facilitated help for her family to get the things she needs? When I think of that other mom taking that check to the bank? When I imagine being a part of big organizations of help and healing and small individuals' lives at the same time...It feels like healing. Like justice. Like...Alright - maybe in the end, this WILL have been worth it.
It is a very good thing to be blessed with the resources to give back, when I've received so much help from other people over the years.
Speaking of which, it is also very cool to be able to directly "give back" to some of them specifically - like my sister, my mother, Shaun and Grant Sr specifically.
-Again, totally unrelated: I've been thinking of how I'm kind of hiding behind this whole "Will I get to OFFICIALLY write full time for a year" idea a lot - I don't want to write for a couple of hours on some of Grant's off days or when I have the energy at night, I want it all or nothing. And it's that same part of me that is afraid of vulnerability. I'd like to hedge my bets for success, you know, and I'd feel safer with the validation of that support, and I'd like to have an out, too, like, if I DON'T get that year, then I can feel like a person who never got the chance and the chance was all she needed. She was incredible, she had great ideas, and oh yeah OF COURSE she was motivated and discplined enough to really make it happen - but instead she sacrificed her opportunity for her kids. Which is admirable, she's a great mom, her kids are awesome.
I was cranking out short stories about once every two weeks and planning my c-section book in little bursts, but ever since this idea has been on the table, I've been paralyzed with anticipation and excitement and fear, and not done any writing or planning at all. I've just sat around on pins and needles, updating this thing all the time and talking with G about our options.
What I'm saying is, I think that if it's going to happen it's going to be because I MAKE it happen. When I wrote Cracked, it came pouring out night after night in the wee hours of the morning, constant and gushing. I'm basically up all night alone again, now. Shopping online and link hopping on LJ and watching late night tv for too long after whoever I've nursed down on the couch has dropped. Procrastinating doing the dishes by reading news stories and looking at nonsense. I could be getting a lot done, if I just started doing it. Should I be sleeping? Yes. Will I be awake regardless anyway? Yes again.
