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There's so much to say that I don't even know where to start.
Two days ago Elise had a ped follow up. I got up and went to change her diaper, but it was dry, which was pretty unusual especially for a morning diaper. Then I picked her up, and she spit up - for the first time ever, while in my care.
These are simple, every day sorts of things, but taken together in a baby who's organs were all shut down and not functioning 2 weeks before, they can seem so different.
My stomach was in knots the whole way to the doctor's office. I was trying not to throw up. We got there, and I undressed her for the scale, and she was SOAKING WET with a ton of pee and had pooped quite a lot, too. I nearly cried from relief and the ped said, "Tina, babies spit up sometimes. You have to calm down."
Then Grant had her inside getting blood drawn for a phenobarb level, and I was in the van with the other kids. My cell rang and it was the care coordinator from the NICU, following up with us. I told her so many good things - about how she was gaining super fast, eating like a champ, smiling responsively, lifting her head when on her belly, all that. I told her I googled her diagnosis and was shocked and scared by what I found, and she pretty much said, "Now you see why we were talking as we were - we were waiting for her to die." I had chills all over my body. G and I discussed how, with Isaac and Jake, people pulled us aside to say, "They're going to be ok - they just need to be here for a little while". Nobody told us that, this time. She blows my mind. I can't imagine.
That same day, I tickled her belly a little as I talked to her and she grinned, made a small sound and doubled over a little. It was ADORABLE and made me giddy, and then I looked over to see Grant teary eyed. "All that time you were praying for her to be able to nurse, I was praying for her to be ticklish", he says.
I told my sister on the phone that this is going to kill me - I'm going to get ulcers and eventually have a heart attack, from the emotional rollercoaster. I am ready for a period of time during which NOTHING HAPPENS. Bring on the boredom. I can't even watch any sort of engaging tv or movies, much to Grant's chagrin, because I'm just wrung out and over stimulated to such an extent already.
We started really cleaning and packing this apartment up yesterday. As I went about it, I was getting very deeply sad and couldn't understand why, at first. But then I realized it's as if I'm giving up and going home. Giving up on birth, I mean. I haven't even really had time to process that I completely did not get the vbac, because I've been totally consumed with Elise and trying to be a good mom to the others, and my own healing and pain levels...but putting away the knitted talisman and the birth necklace and the sachel of herbs and the bracelet with beads, and trying to figure out whether to thrift store or just throw away the visualization cd..it sucks. I was moaning through contractions and sending out excited emails about bloody show, one minute, and the next we were in Nancy's car on some surreal road that I guess I'm never getting off of.
I wanted that a lot.
It's never going to happen now.
We leave today. I'm excited AS HECK about seeing Dama and her seeing the baby and all, and seeing some other people as well, like the_waker and rainingkisses and possibly ariellejuliana. I'm looking forward to road tripping with Grant. I'm sad to leave some things, and realizing that I'll likely never be back here again. Grant Sr did some repair work and fixing up while we were away, so that's good, and Robby's out of town with a relative for part of summer break, so that's good too...I've gotten surprisingly used to this apartment, but will be happy to let the kids run out the back door and play, and push and ride loud things across the floor, and cook in my big kitchen full of all my appliances and supplies. Laura will meet my new daughter. I also got a very, VERY sweet email from a PATH member saying the park group wants to schedule days of the week to bring us meals, and asking what we'd like to eat and what else they can do to help, as well as assuring us they've been praying for us :*D It made me cry. One member of PATH who's not even in my park group sent us a donation and offered to babysit my kids, and another who's a friend of mine has been emailing me articles about brain injury and the Institutes in Philadelphia, as well as her own story with her brain injured daughter, and also offered babysitting. It blows my mind - I think I'm going to have a second calling after all this, to keep some cooked and frozen things in the freezer for whenever I find out someone is going through a hard time. And to raise awareness, organize fundraisers and blood drives for and otherwise help childrens' hospitals however I can, too. I have a lot of ideas.
Starting in a couple of months after we've had a recoup ;)
Two days ago Elise had a ped follow up. I got up and went to change her diaper, but it was dry, which was pretty unusual especially for a morning diaper. Then I picked her up, and she spit up - for the first time ever, while in my care.
These are simple, every day sorts of things, but taken together in a baby who's organs were all shut down and not functioning 2 weeks before, they can seem so different.
My stomach was in knots the whole way to the doctor's office. I was trying not to throw up. We got there, and I undressed her for the scale, and she was SOAKING WET with a ton of pee and had pooped quite a lot, too. I nearly cried from relief and the ped said, "Tina, babies spit up sometimes. You have to calm down."
Then Grant had her inside getting blood drawn for a phenobarb level, and I was in the van with the other kids. My cell rang and it was the care coordinator from the NICU, following up with us. I told her so many good things - about how she was gaining super fast, eating like a champ, smiling responsively, lifting her head when on her belly, all that. I told her I googled her diagnosis and was shocked and scared by what I found, and she pretty much said, "Now you see why we were talking as we were - we were waiting for her to die." I had chills all over my body. G and I discussed how, with Isaac and Jake, people pulled us aside to say, "They're going to be ok - they just need to be here for a little while". Nobody told us that, this time. She blows my mind. I can't imagine.
That same day, I tickled her belly a little as I talked to her and she grinned, made a small sound and doubled over a little. It was ADORABLE and made me giddy, and then I looked over to see Grant teary eyed. "All that time you were praying for her to be able to nurse, I was praying for her to be ticklish", he says.
I told my sister on the phone that this is going to kill me - I'm going to get ulcers and eventually have a heart attack, from the emotional rollercoaster. I am ready for a period of time during which NOTHING HAPPENS. Bring on the boredom. I can't even watch any sort of engaging tv or movies, much to Grant's chagrin, because I'm just wrung out and over stimulated to such an extent already.
We started really cleaning and packing this apartment up yesterday. As I went about it, I was getting very deeply sad and couldn't understand why, at first. But then I realized it's as if I'm giving up and going home. Giving up on birth, I mean. I haven't even really had time to process that I completely did not get the vbac, because I've been totally consumed with Elise and trying to be a good mom to the others, and my own healing and pain levels...but putting away the knitted talisman and the birth necklace and the sachel of herbs and the bracelet with beads, and trying to figure out whether to thrift store or just throw away the visualization cd..it sucks. I was moaning through contractions and sending out excited emails about bloody show, one minute, and the next we were in Nancy's car on some surreal road that I guess I'm never getting off of.
I wanted that a lot.
It's never going to happen now.
We leave today. I'm excited AS HECK about seeing Dama and her seeing the baby and all, and seeing some other people as well, like the_waker and rainingkisses and possibly ariellejuliana. I'm looking forward to road tripping with Grant. I'm sad to leave some things, and realizing that I'll likely never be back here again. Grant Sr did some repair work and fixing up while we were away, so that's good, and Robby's out of town with a relative for part of summer break, so that's good too...I've gotten surprisingly used to this apartment, but will be happy to let the kids run out the back door and play, and push and ride loud things across the floor, and cook in my big kitchen full of all my appliances and supplies. Laura will meet my new daughter. I also got a very, VERY sweet email from a PATH member saying the park group wants to schedule days of the week to bring us meals, and asking what we'd like to eat and what else they can do to help, as well as assuring us they've been praying for us :*D It made me cry. One member of PATH who's not even in my park group sent us a donation and offered to babysit my kids, and another who's a friend of mine has been emailing me articles about brain injury and the Institutes in Philadelphia, as well as her own story with her brain injured daughter, and also offered babysitting. It blows my mind - I think I'm going to have a second calling after all this, to keep some cooked and frozen things in the freezer for whenever I find out someone is going through a hard time. And to raise awareness, organize fundraisers and blood drives for and otherwise help childrens' hospitals however I can, too. I have a lot of ideas.
Starting in a couple of months after we've had a recoup ;)
