(no subject)

I've been thinking how much I want to go back to school. I think the thought came to me from a combination of all the classrooms people on tv are sitting in, the law school students in booju_mooju who look down on stay at home moms, and Shaun enrolling at FIU to work on his Bachelor's. But really the more I think about it the more I want it for reasons less ridiculous than those. I LOVE writing papers, listening to lectures, participating in discussions. I was one of "those kids" in all Honors, Gifted and AP classes who graduated in the top 10% with full paid scholarships (and a new baby). I've never (read: still don't) regretted dropping out freshman year to devote myself to Ananda, but now I'm thinking about how sweet it would be to even just take one class at a time. Just a chance to get out of the house and use my brain once or twice a week, for something other than how to get poop out of the carpet or what to do if I'm out of baking powder. I mean I always say I want to be a chaplain when the kids are grown up; if I get a psych degree it would work towards that, and also allow me to do all sorts of interesting things like teach/sub classes, work in a rehab facility, do social work, etc etc. I wouldn't want to work outside of the home (or take a full course load) before my youngest was...I don't know...10? And of course it would be contigent on where everyone was with homeschool/how much I was needed. But it would be cool to not be STARTING on an AA at 40 or something. Plus the cost is so much less prohibitive when taken gradually.

Grant is somewhat ambivalent about this, I think because he already has less education than me and had never had an interest in "higher" education. It was weird for him sometimes when I was spending 11th and 12th grade writing research papers, taking field trips to book fairs and plays, taking the ACT, etc, and he was sitting around at home/starting his computer business. But he is all about philosophical discussions and current events and once devoted himself rather wholeheartedly to mastering chemistry - it's so easy for me to imagine coming home and reading to him out of textbooks, having him quiz me, telling him this or that and us talking about things. It makes me sad, though, to think that anything I would want would displace him or make him feel inferior. I have so much respect for his talents and priorities - they are, after all, how we live.

Alright I told Ananda we would do this craft from "Your Big Backyard" today while the babies napped and Isaac just spontaneously fell asleep in the living room so now our minutes are counting down...

:OHISDGSOI()*#%$)(*

I am so touched out.

Two nights in a row, Jake has refused to sleep all night long. This is weird for him. We co-sleep, so this means that for two straight nights, he's crawling on our heads, drooling on our faces, scratching at us, standing on us, etc, whenever we aren't taking turns passing him back and forth for patting/nursing. I keep telling him he is THISCLOSE to getting put in a separate bed, it's only his previous 9 months of stellar cosleeping behavior that are keeping him safe.

All week Aaron has been feeling sick and clingy from his illness. If I'm sitting here, he's in my lap with his arms and legs around me or standing next to me with his head leaned on my arm. If I sit on the floor he gets down on all fours and comes to nuzzle me like a kitten. He's there, petting me in the kitchen as I try to cook, saying "I need a lot of love." I never turn him away, I think it would permanently wound him if I did. It's crazy how sensitive he is, and this overly affectionate stuff is part of his SID. I do force him to BACK UP, when he comes to ask me if he can have something by putting it against my nose, or stands by me as I crochet with his lips like an inch from my forearm so that I can feel his breath on my skin (that drives me NUTS).

Isaac is having some sort of resurgence in interest in nursing. 2-3 times a day is now EXTEMELY insufficient and he's throwing major screaming tantrums about it when I'm busy with something else and tell him to wait. Like, after trying to reason with him for 5-10 minutes today in my room where we all were, I finally made good on my threat and put him out in the hallway "until he could calm down". But that made him go WILD - it was The Tantrum of the Year. He was kicking and beating the door with all four limbs and screaming like a wild, guttural animal for about 2 minutes before I opened the door and asked him if he was finished and would like to come in...at which point he magically silenced, sniffled, and asked for a hug? *shrug*

And at the end of the day Ananda is always asking if I'll please, please lay with her for a little while, just her and me. I usually end up loving that time, especially if we're watching a show or just talking and sometimes if I'm reading to her as well, but the initial motivation to do it is sometimes lacking.

Two words, kids:

SPACE.

BUBBLE.

This and That.

I am so nuts about Grant. I had bad dreams last night about having only a short time to live, and about him wanting a divorce, and woke up feeling pretty grateful.

I'm also crazily aware of God right now. Back to thirsting for something more...my sister gave me a couple of sample issues she got in the mail, of Christianity Today, and I've had them in the bathroom as reading material...I do a lot of reading in the bathroom. Anyway, some of it irritates me and some of it is boring, but some of it really hits home.

I keep thinking of how my views on the sanctity of life and on sex are perfectly outlined by the Pope, and Mother Teresa, and how I can read through the Catechism or The Theology of the Body and identify perfectly. How I don't get that sense of validation or relating or ultimate truth from protestant denominations. But then I think of things I don't like - about Augustine and original sin. This and that. So I think of Orthodoxy, which has better teachings on marriage anyway and definitions I better identify with, for priests and confession. My experience of Orthodox worship was so surreal and...flat, or something.

I have gotten to a point where I wonder if it is my own right or place, to question the things I disagree with in the higher churches, when there are enough things pulling me towards them that I am certain wisdom DOES lie there. Maybe some does. Maybe they're still run by humans.

I've learned so much over the last few months, about saints and intercession and that whole concept, from just being present in mommydama's journal and reading her threads.

I talked with Grant about all of this the other day. It's getting harder and harder for me to take churches like Life Pointe seriously. They accept credit cards now. They brew espresso for the services and talk about caffienating your faith. And I know there is a place for that - I'm starting to believe there is such a thing as a "Gateway church", like a stepping stone. I would never have come to know Christ otherwise. I don't think? I suppose I can't know that. It seems that way.

It's hard for me to find the balance here...to know my own heart, to "discern" the Voice of God in the midst of all these things - I found my wedding to be really beautiful and meaningful and..uh...REAL. As I found prayers for me that brought me closer to God to be truly effecting. I know at least one female minister who I truly feel is doing God's work. But I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to decide what is right based on what is convenient. I don't want to say, "Well, if I can't be a chaplain after all the calling I've felt, all the crying and singing 'Here I am, Lord', and my marriage doesn't count, to you, then you're obviously wrong" because that's just ridiculous. ...Isn't it?


Does anyone know whether or not the Catholic or Orthodox Churches allow women to be chaplains? I was thinking maybe not because of the whole "serving communion" aspect, or maybe so because I think there are chaplains who just talk to and pray with people. Like the difference between a priest and a deacon. There are female deacons, right?