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Another Sunday Update...
Apr. 9th, 2006 11:59 pmStaying away from Livejournal is fairly easy right now. Avoiding my email is hard, though, and NOT WRITING STORIES is killing me. I cannot wait to get back to the childrens' book. I ALMOST elected to just give up the internet for Lent and not "the computer", and I even had all sorts of lame justifications like how we need it for homeschool and recipes, but in the end I knew that if I could write I would still sit here all the time, waste time, and not be challenged or productive at all...I'd just be saying "I'll do this instead of that, but still be doing something", rather than saying "There will be a hole where this was and I'll fill it with constructive activity and spirtual growth". Aaaanyway...
I spent half an hour on the phone earlier, with my dad. He makes me sad and then angry and then sad again. That he can't come to the wedding because of work I understand. He missed months last year due to nearly dying, went through his father's whole savings while he was in the hospital, etc. He's just now catching up and getting ahead, and has been advanced to a higher position that was conditional based on him always being available at certain times. So, I get it. I am dissapointed, but I'm not angry with him for not being able to be there.
I could really do without his speeches, though, about how I couldn't have made this anymore difficult, he wishes I would've talked to him before I scheduled this, Jeez Tina blah blah blah. I want to tell him that other people (like the minister and the director of this facility) are bending over backwards to do this for me, FREE, and it can only be this day and this time with them. I do tell him that. He says "Middle of the state, middle of the week" over and over again, repeats "Ocala" in this incredulous tone randomly, etc. It's like, yeah, Grant's family and my mom are a few hours north of there. Nana and Pa are west of there. Diana is in town there. We're south. It's a CENTAL LOCATION, and SPECIAL TO US. He also keeps suggesting things like taking a plane and only missing one shift as possible solutions, and then gets all crazy about them later...like when I get back to him and tell him times and prices he acts like I'm on crack and it's like, well, didn't you know a round trip flight in two days would be exhausting BEFORE you suggested it? Didn't you realize that plane tickets cost hundreds of dollars? I hate it when he starts acting like I'm stupid or inconsiderate. It wasn't my idea for him to fly, I went looking at his suggestion.
I don't want to feel like this, I love my dad, I'm trying to meet him where he's at in everyway. I want to repair all the time and space and make it ok.
OT, Jake will be 6 months old in 2 days! He is an insanely heavy wetter...I have never had a baby who peed like this before, sometimes I wonder if his body keeps anything at all. Tonight I laid him down in one of Isaac's huge thick diapers, with a big ol' prefold (something we use on it's own during the day, for those who don't know) folded into it. It's so bulky that I could barely get a cover over it, and I still doubt that he will wake up dry on the outside...His diapers are so soaked in the morning, from edge to edge, that I could wring them out and make a puddle. I've never seen anything like it.
And, the good news is that after 2 weeks of closely watching our local Craigslist we have hit the furniture jackpot - an all wood dining set in great condition with 6 chairs, a nearly new couch and loveseat that we actually LOVE - and all at an unbelievable price AND from the same seller! She even has extras like a really cool lamp and a charcoal grill like we often wish we had (we have a gas one) that are basically thrown in free since we're getting so much from her. We talked with her on the phone tonight and will be picking stuff up in two weeks when she moves. Unbelievable price or otherwise still has us borrowing money from Shaun...but at least we recently paid him off our tab, so it's fresh debt?
( And earlier I wrote aaaaaaaall this, to memorialize the week )
I've been enjoying Ananda immensely this week. At the Y, after we swam, we were in the locker rooms changing and she asked how I get my hair up in the towel. So I told her and she wanted hers up that way, too. When I did it for her, she was SO HAPPY. Thrilled. She was staring at our heads in the mirror and saying we matched and just overjoyed. She asked to go stand side by side in the full length mirror. We took a shower later in the evening after the picnic and she is so crazily pleased to use my Noxzema and condition our hair together and all that. She wanted to hold my hand the whole time we were out today.
She came up with "A Show" a couple of days ago involving homemade maracas - basically shaking them while doing a wild interpretive dance punctuated by periodic sudden silence and stillness that would then erupt back into wild interpretive dancing after a pregnant pause. My daughter who looks away or hides behind me ANYTIME a stranger says hi - regardless of how long I've been talking to them - will do a wild interpretive dance show. It's interesting to me that the only ways I feel insecure about expressing myself are through metaphorical, symbolic things like art or dancing...I don't know where to start, I think I'll be misinterpreted, whatever. I can talk or write forever (as you may have noticed...) But those are the only ways Annie DOES feel comfortable sharing. Like I asked her to come up with a sentence with spelling words in it and she was so embarassed to tell me what she had thought of, it took 30 minutes of coaxing and then she mumbled it at the floor. Or when I was riding bikes with Aaron (She still can't do it without training wheels and doesn't really wanna risk the scraped knees) she looked sad but wouldn't talk to me. She WOULD draw a heart with a sad, crying face on the sidewalk, though, and feel better after I saw it and hugged her.
This, like many entries before it, is far too long already. I have emails to write to a few people, and comments to leave, and good gravy. I also have a whole big spirituality spiel I won't get into right now...it basically just boils down to frustration over denominations and churches, and my own struggle to live the way I want to live/think it right.
I spent half an hour on the phone earlier, with my dad. He makes me sad and then angry and then sad again. That he can't come to the wedding because of work I understand. He missed months last year due to nearly dying, went through his father's whole savings while he was in the hospital, etc. He's just now catching up and getting ahead, and has been advanced to a higher position that was conditional based on him always being available at certain times. So, I get it. I am dissapointed, but I'm not angry with him for not being able to be there.
I could really do without his speeches, though, about how I couldn't have made this anymore difficult, he wishes I would've talked to him before I scheduled this, Jeez Tina blah blah blah. I want to tell him that other people (like the minister and the director of this facility) are bending over backwards to do this for me, FREE, and it can only be this day and this time with them. I do tell him that. He says "Middle of the state, middle of the week" over and over again, repeats "Ocala" in this incredulous tone randomly, etc. It's like, yeah, Grant's family and my mom are a few hours north of there. Nana and Pa are west of there. Diana is in town there. We're south. It's a CENTAL LOCATION, and SPECIAL TO US. He also keeps suggesting things like taking a plane and only missing one shift as possible solutions, and then gets all crazy about them later...like when I get back to him and tell him times and prices he acts like I'm on crack and it's like, well, didn't you know a round trip flight in two days would be exhausting BEFORE you suggested it? Didn't you realize that plane tickets cost hundreds of dollars? I hate it when he starts acting like I'm stupid or inconsiderate. It wasn't my idea for him to fly, I went looking at his suggestion.
I don't want to feel like this, I love my dad, I'm trying to meet him where he's at in everyway. I want to repair all the time and space and make it ok.
OT, Jake will be 6 months old in 2 days! He is an insanely heavy wetter...I have never had a baby who peed like this before, sometimes I wonder if his body keeps anything at all. Tonight I laid him down in one of Isaac's huge thick diapers, with a big ol' prefold (something we use on it's own during the day, for those who don't know) folded into it. It's so bulky that I could barely get a cover over it, and I still doubt that he will wake up dry on the outside...His diapers are so soaked in the morning, from edge to edge, that I could wring them out and make a puddle. I've never seen anything like it.
And, the good news is that after 2 weeks of closely watching our local Craigslist we have hit the furniture jackpot - an all wood dining set in great condition with 6 chairs, a nearly new couch and loveseat that we actually LOVE - and all at an unbelievable price AND from the same seller! She even has extras like a really cool lamp and a charcoal grill like we often wish we had (we have a gas one) that are basically thrown in free since we're getting so much from her. We talked with her on the phone tonight and will be picking stuff up in two weeks when she moves. Unbelievable price or otherwise still has us borrowing money from Shaun...but at least we recently paid him off our tab, so it's fresh debt?
( And earlier I wrote aaaaaaaall this, to memorialize the week )
I've been enjoying Ananda immensely this week. At the Y, after we swam, we were in the locker rooms changing and she asked how I get my hair up in the towel. So I told her and she wanted hers up that way, too. When I did it for her, she was SO HAPPY. Thrilled. She was staring at our heads in the mirror and saying we matched and just overjoyed. She asked to go stand side by side in the full length mirror. We took a shower later in the evening after the picnic and she is so crazily pleased to use my Noxzema and condition our hair together and all that. She wanted to hold my hand the whole time we were out today.
She came up with "A Show" a couple of days ago involving homemade maracas - basically shaking them while doing a wild interpretive dance punctuated by periodic sudden silence and stillness that would then erupt back into wild interpretive dancing after a pregnant pause. My daughter who looks away or hides behind me ANYTIME a stranger says hi - regardless of how long I've been talking to them - will do a wild interpretive dance show. It's interesting to me that the only ways I feel insecure about expressing myself are through metaphorical, symbolic things like art or dancing...I don't know where to start, I think I'll be misinterpreted, whatever. I can talk or write forever (as you may have noticed...) But those are the only ways Annie DOES feel comfortable sharing. Like I asked her to come up with a sentence with spelling words in it and she was so embarassed to tell me what she had thought of, it took 30 minutes of coaxing and then she mumbled it at the floor. Or when I was riding bikes with Aaron (She still can't do it without training wheels and doesn't really wanna risk the scraped knees) she looked sad but wouldn't talk to me. She WOULD draw a heart with a sad, crying face on the sidewalk, though, and feel better after I saw it and hugged her.
This, like many entries before it, is far too long already. I have emails to write to a few people, and comments to leave, and good gravy. I also have a whole big spirituality spiel I won't get into right now...it basically just boils down to frustration over denominations and churches, and my own struggle to live the way I want to live/think it right.
