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Dec. 21st, 2003 12:37 ami don't think i could feel more ugly. not without being disfigured and thus at least having the satisfaction of knowing people would try not to judge me.
screw you if you don't wanna hear about it...don't read then.
it's bad enough that my arms jiggle like mad when i lift them. it's bad enough that it's so hard to find clothes i like that fit. it's bad enough that pregnancy is darkening my face (the 'mask of pregnancy', *what to expect* calls it), without adding in that the hormones also give me acne. it's bad enough that my belly is out to there and all over the place - that wouldn't even bother me if the rest of me was right, i love the baby. even with the stretch marks and the loose skin.
i saw pictures of myself and promptly got depressed - my hips, thighs, butt, etc, have taken on the proportions of a middle aged housewife from my church. judgemental, yes. i love them...but i'm only 22 and i don't want to deal with that in myself. i went in the bathroom to pee soon after, and, glancing in the mirror, i see 3 new pimples, a rash on my chest, the sun bumps on my arms in full force. my nose and lower cheeks keep swelling - i love water retention, don't you? and i hate my new shorter hair. there's not anything about myself that i can pick out and like, anymore. not a single redeeming feature that makes me think it's alright and i'm still beautiful.
something about hormones and being too damn big has got rashes and acne all over me, it seems. wonderful compliment to the darkened, swollen face, fatness, short hair and bad clothes. i look at grant and think he's sexy, think i love him, think there's no way in hell that he could think i was attractive, and also that it's only downhill for THREE MORE MONTHS. the months that you're supposed to grow the most, get the biggest. this is how i felt right before i had annie. not going into the last trimester.
i'm having a hard time with this. being told, you are not allowed to lose any weight - you have to gain a lot more. it sounds superficial, it sounds stupid and petty, it sounds whatever the hell it sounds like. but i don't want saggy breasts at the end of this, or a belly like my mom has. i don't want any of it. i have to live in this shell and it's what people see when they look at me.
it wouldn't be so bad if i had energy. but i don't. i can't move - i am a blob, with no flexibility, no agility, no balance. i am an orca. there is no brisk walking and feeling good about myself (prompt contractions) no excercises on the floor (not allowed) to feel i'm at least doing something. no hopping off the couch to scoop aaron up and dance (back won't have it now).
don't anybody tell me any shit about knowing how pregnancy is or it's worth it or anything else. i already know.
screw you if you don't wanna hear about it...don't read then.
it's bad enough that my arms jiggle like mad when i lift them. it's bad enough that it's so hard to find clothes i like that fit. it's bad enough that pregnancy is darkening my face (the 'mask of pregnancy', *what to expect* calls it), without adding in that the hormones also give me acne. it's bad enough that my belly is out to there and all over the place - that wouldn't even bother me if the rest of me was right, i love the baby. even with the stretch marks and the loose skin.
i saw pictures of myself and promptly got depressed - my hips, thighs, butt, etc, have taken on the proportions of a middle aged housewife from my church. judgemental, yes. i love them...but i'm only 22 and i don't want to deal with that in myself. i went in the bathroom to pee soon after, and, glancing in the mirror, i see 3 new pimples, a rash on my chest, the sun bumps on my arms in full force. my nose and lower cheeks keep swelling - i love water retention, don't you? and i hate my new shorter hair. there's not anything about myself that i can pick out and like, anymore. not a single redeeming feature that makes me think it's alright and i'm still beautiful.
something about hormones and being too damn big has got rashes and acne all over me, it seems. wonderful compliment to the darkened, swollen face, fatness, short hair and bad clothes. i look at grant and think he's sexy, think i love him, think there's no way in hell that he could think i was attractive, and also that it's only downhill for THREE MORE MONTHS. the months that you're supposed to grow the most, get the biggest. this is how i felt right before i had annie. not going into the last trimester.
i'm having a hard time with this. being told, you are not allowed to lose any weight - you have to gain a lot more. it sounds superficial, it sounds stupid and petty, it sounds whatever the hell it sounds like. but i don't want saggy breasts at the end of this, or a belly like my mom has. i don't want any of it. i have to live in this shell and it's what people see when they look at me.
it wouldn't be so bad if i had energy. but i don't. i can't move - i am a blob, with no flexibility, no agility, no balance. i am an orca. there is no brisk walking and feeling good about myself (prompt contractions) no excercises on the floor (not allowed) to feel i'm at least doing something. no hopping off the couch to scoop aaron up and dance (back won't have it now).
don't anybody tell me any shit about knowing how pregnancy is or it's worth it or anything else. i already know.
