No it makes perfect sense. Part of what I went through, with that particular experience, was not thinking it was real. I don't know if I thought it could even happen. I believe in miraculous experiences now, such as that, but I don't always *not* doubt a particular thing. I don't know if that is even wrong. The Church teaches us to doubt visions and signs, at first, to test them. Believing in any one particular thing, like that (I don't mean major items of faith) is not necessary, I don't think. More the openness, and not being scornful. That particular thing, with the icon. I believe it. I saw it, and there's an inward... "feeling" is the wrong word. A sense of the holy. But I wouldn't expect anyone to believe it from my story, necessarily.
I have had people tell me "miracle stories" where I was inwardly rolling my eyes and thinking, "yeah whatever." We had something happen at my Church that was kind of funny, and kind of sad. A vigil lamp hanging in front of an icon on the iconostasis was jostled when someone was filling it (with oil) and a little oil ran down on the icon. The person who did it went away to get something to clean it, and some people came along and saw it, and started talking about how it was a weeping icon (there are icons that stream sweet scented oil or myrrh). They were all excited. As if they were looking for, needing such a thing to happen. They told our priest, who hadn't seen what had happened, but kind of raised his eyebrows, and said something like, we don't know what could have happened. I am not sure if they ever found out what it was. That sort of thing... makes me uncomfortable. We don't need to be looking for miracles everywhere, I don't think. Our belief does not depend on such things.
I am not one to try to make such physical manifestations too important--this can indeed be a danger. But that they exist... that the holy, the other, can be manifested in material things... it is very powerful. Not something that one should try to force oneself to feel, especially with such specific things. It sounds like you already have experience of this in general.
You are not being blasphemous at all.
Vulnerability--I understand exactly what you mean. I struggle with that as well. It is attractive, it seems a necessary, or good, or healing thing... but it is very frightening.
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Date: 2006-02-08 07:24 pm (UTC)I have had people tell me "miracle stories" where I was inwardly rolling my eyes and thinking, "yeah whatever." We had something happen at my Church that was kind of funny, and kind of sad. A vigil lamp hanging in front of an icon on the iconostasis was jostled when someone was filling it (with oil) and a little oil ran down on the icon. The person who did it went away to get something to clean it, and some people came along and saw it, and started talking about how it was a weeping icon (there are icons that stream sweet scented oil or myrrh). They were all excited. As if they were looking for, needing such a thing to happen. They told our priest, who hadn't seen what had happened, but kind of raised his eyebrows, and said something like, we don't know what could have happened. I am not sure if they ever found out what it was. That sort of thing... makes me uncomfortable. We don't need to be looking for miracles everywhere, I don't think. Our belief does not depend on such things.
I am not one to try to make such physical manifestations too important--this can indeed be a danger. But that they exist... that the holy, the other, can be manifested in material things... it is very powerful. Not something that one should try to force oneself to feel, especially with such specific things. It sounds like you already have experience of this in general.
You are not being blasphemous at all.
Vulnerability--I understand exactly what you mean. I struggle with that as well. It is attractive, it seems a necessary, or good, or healing thing... but it is very frightening.