altarflame: (deluge)
[personal profile] altarflame
What a hard week.

Some of the worst things are:

1.) I got bad-triggered, rather than just dealable-triggered, at my internship, which in turn makes every other thing harder. It involved the secure psychiatric floor of a hospital that caters to correctional facilities, a security guard who unlocked the elevator for me but then didn't escort me like he was supposed to, and an actual elevator malfunction with lights turning off - have I MENTIONED that I've had countless nightmares about warped versions of hospitals? I was actually laughing out loud in the long, staggering, hesitating, strobe light elevator ride up by myself, like, "You've got to be fucking kidding me, this is just ridiculous," but apparently I can think that AND feel my whole body go tense and start pulsing at, like, the same time. This is the first time I've ever left a client site or a shift early, although I did get everything I strictly HAD to get done finished before I ran away (from the place someone was going to come back to, to find me, no less...).

Apparently I'm a person who can't shake the knowledge that I will have to find a staff member with a key to get off of a given floor, while I'm being circled by a small crowd of dudes in hospital gowns who are all medicated to differing degrees. WEIRD.

2.) It's also been a real bad week as a client advocate. An old lady with pink eye that the staff was just IGNORING until I basically drug someone over to her face, a different woman who I've been trying to find a good ALF for who DISAPPEARED just as I was making tedious headway with getting her benefits expanded... obviously I can't get into this stuff in much detail or with any level of identifiers.

3.) The strengths and weaknesses of my marriage are both running at full throttle. It can be exhausting, for us both. We're like, sweetly snuggling and petting each other through our various personal struggles as one of us cries; and then getting on every irritating nerve either of us have over stupid little decisions, during a date; and then laughing and sending each other pictures of cool kid things; and then wondering if we'll ever have sex again... etc.

4.) Our fucking car, which is still financed with lots owed, and which has had a non-urgent but eventual $900 needed repair we've ignored for a few months, now needs a different and completely unrelated repair that's over a thousand dollars. This is happening just as we get to a point with our rolling junkheap of a van where we absolutely must replace it and can no longer take it on the highway at all. Like we've KNOWN the 9 year old van we've abused so thoroughly is on it's last leg for years, but the car still feels almost new to us just 3 years in. AAaaaaand the central AC unit outside my bedroom window is making a lot of weird sounds it shouldn't be. So.

5.) This is all happening as G's company goes through major restructuring that involves shit like (repeatedly) DELAYED PAYROLL...and him having to disable the accounts of some of his best friends, coworkers who he's spent a lot of non-work time with these past couple of years, and is really gonna miss.

Lesser things that are not helping matters any:

-I'm on my period.
-I continue to live in this new Trump reality where literally every time I open social media, turn on public radio, or even talk to many people, I learn of more infuriating/terrifying things. Like I have to choose over and over again whether to cocoon as self care or wince and delve into connection with people/the world. And I've gotta balance the importance of making calls and sending donations and signing petitions against the guilt and comfort of ignoring all that for awhile.
-I've been a bit sleep deprived, which had been something I was really pleased to be doing very well with, but, there that went :p

Super drained and depleted but thank everything that it's been spring break so I at least haven't had class, aaaand this is now gonna be a weekend.

I have a lot of things I'm really excited and hopeful about but that kinda just feels like anxiety at the moment. I just want to be curled up in a blanket drinking chamomile tea in a dark candlelit room, or wrapped up in some warm arms, or otherwise engaged in something that involves me feeling small and like the world is gentle with me.

I am really eating up how affectionate Jake and Elise both still are.

Also, torturing cats with strangleholds is nice.

Hopefully, I will have some great things (which I'm [very] eagerly waiting to hear back about) to report soon.

May 2017

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