altarflame | (no subject)

Today was a pretty good day. I accomplished some stuff on my to-do list that has been festering undone for too long. INCLUDING finally contacting the local Girl Scout troop leader - which led to finding out that there was a meeting TONIGHT. Annie went, and wow. It was so great! I am super excited about this on her behalf. Her leader is a homeschooling mom of two girls who are in the troop, and a left handed vegetarian (both of which Ananda also is). Their activity for today's meeting was crocheting, which is awesome because I've tried to teach her to crochet a million times and just cannot translate to doing it "backwards" with her. They also went over some Girl Scout basics because of another couple of newbies and are doing a big initiation in two weeks, so it's a serendipidous time for her to join. She has one old friend from AWANA in the troop that she adores. She is the oldest and biggest and most mature looking in the group, but not by a lot, and I think that is helping her to relax. When I dropped her off, she was self conscious and awkward, but when I came back, she was sitting in a circle helping one girl figure out a chain stitch while another girl waited for her to help her next. She has to bring a bear and some berries for their Valentine's meeting next week, and then dress up as though she's from Sweden and bring a big flag she's by then painted like the Swedish flag, for the Sweden booth the troop is doing at something the Y is hosting. They have a trip coming up. It's just great, she is psyched and I feel like I've done something good for her as a mom for the first time in too long.

I realize I am too hard on myself - I just took her camping and to visit relatives along with our other kids, and just tonight I cooked her a separate special dinner. She sat in the front with me for conversation on the way to Lakeland and she got a special lunchbox while we were out of town... come on!

But I also know we've been talking and learning a lot less together and that she can tell I'm struggling with all kinds of personal issues, and leaving her here with Bob or Grant more often than normal. Not reading to them before bed nearly so often as I used to. Asking her to do more favors and chores. I dunno.

Reading all my week-old "missed" RCIA materials (on confession) and taking a whole half hour to really pray the rosary and meditate on the joyful mysteries and all was really good for me today. I think it contributed to any progress I made and the slightly improved state of mind I enjoyed. I'm going to try really hard to pray the rosary every day - it was nearly miraculous how much it helped me when I first started, but then I let it fall by the wayside. I also have this week's RCIA stuff to read tomorrow...It is HUGELY helpful to me how much structure Catholicism has to hold me up and keep me going in faith... even when I am not praying, not repentant and not in the mood, dragging myself to Mass and RCIA weekly because I can't miss it inevitably helps. I also got back to the state of mind of looking forward to confession as a free counseling session with somebody who holds my spirital beliefs...which is better than how I was looking at it for the last couple of weeks, i.e., as a pita.

I have been on a big eBay book buying kick lately, it is wild how cheap I find things. There have been several that came to $1.16 total with free shipping, which is just ridiculous - I mean how can they even afford to sell them at that price? The books reach me with shipping labels that exceed that purchase price, I do not get it...Anyway, the following have recently arrived in my mailbox:

(new to me)
Charles Dickens-
-Great Expectations
-Tale of Two Cities

Nikki Sixx-
-Heroin Diaries

Stephen King-
-Full Dark, No Stars

Anais Nin-
-Delta of Venus

Charlie Huston-
-Caught Stealing

Jeffrey Schwartz-
-The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force

(old favorites)
Tennessee Williams-
-The Glass Menagerie
-A Streetcar Named Desire
-Cat On a Hot Tin Roof

I am just saying, I got all of these for under $45 total, shipped, and they are all in good or excellent condition. I'm still working my way through my last couple of Anne Rice books for now, though, from the massive Anne Rice lots I bid on last Fall - Blackwood Farm, just now, and it's finally picked up enough that I'm enjoying it, though I only get it in little fits and starts.

I really don't have a lot of time to read - though I want to read all of these and know I will eventually, lately it's more a compulsive library building sort of thing.

Elise is potentially going to become A Problem as things stand. She is a tyrannical, bullheaded Taurus of a spoilt miracle baby...I never ever felt irritated with her when she would stay up all night long as an infant, and it was the most joyful thing EVER when she learned to be mischevious as a toddler, and she as the youngest enjoys the power to boss around and even beat up all four of her older siblings, who seem to enjoy pretending to hate it as they act like her slaves. Grant cannot consistently enforce rules against her tantrums. It is a scary state of affairs. If I am completely honest, I have to say that I see her willfullness as...part of her charm o_O I realize this is Not Ok in the long run and am not completely sure how we arrived at this point. But a couple evenings ago, for instance, I was on the phone with my friend David and arguing with her about going back to bed AS PER USUAL and he did a pretty hilariously accurate mock-up of how I sound, i.e., "Please PLEASE GO TO SLEEP, for the love of GOD JUST LAY IN YOUR BED AND STAY THERE, I am begging you not to come out anymore!!!"

It is somewhat more complicated with her than it has been with children past, because I can't lift or drag her due to my hernia and diastasis...and she knows it. I on rare ocassions do it anyway, but I really shouldn't, and definitely can't do it consistently. This leaves me with timeouts, bribes and threats, when I think with any of my others I would have just taken them back without a word over and over until they gave up or something to that effect.

Even now, I can't help but be comforted and bolstered by it when she demonstrates the mental capacity to do new terrible things, like sneak and steal chocolate, lie to cover her tracks or attempt to manipulate us in innapropriate ways. I still tell her it's wrong and enforce consequences but the real irritation and sense of needing to put a stop to these things is just not present with me, for her, because it's SO DAMNED AWESOME that she can do complex things like sneak around and lie and manipulate!! I mean if she makes up a big old story about how Jake did something wrong that has believable details, and TELLS it to us, WITH ACTING - well that's obviously bad. But it is also indicative of awesomeness I was so afraid was destroyed, and cognitive function far beyond just "better than we hoped", you know? That's advanced stuff for any 3 year old!

The other day I asked her, "Do you know you're rotten?" and she put her hands on her hips, cocked her head to the side, and said with a sarcastic tone - "COURSE!"

This is the first time I have looked at any of my kids and thought to myself, "What are we going to DO when she is 14?!"

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(deleted comment)

The preview portion I read before ordering, was pretty hot.

I totally understand all this. My son spent 5 weeks in NICU and none of the level of potential catastrophes Elise had, but fears enough and a'plenty about what it would result in.... and because of it I've let him get away with a lot more for same reasons -- because I'm so thoroughly delighted that he CAN (and because he is my last, due to the complications).

Do you ever watch Dog Whisperer? One of the things I've always felt so amazing about him is his intuitive ability to identify the problem. Rescue dogs from the pound who get babied by their owners and then turn into bullies. Because the owners feel so badly about the dog's bad life before. They are apologizing for it over and over and in the process creating tantrum delivering bullies. Or the dog nearly died and they're so glad it is ok now and ABLE to do the wonderful things...same result. just as you are with Elise and I am with my baby son.

The end result is still the same - spoiled bully child. I gave up trying to get my 2 yr old to bed last night and turned on the TV at 3:30 am. I lay there thinking -- this isn't what I want to be dealing with as a teenager. I just can't do it, morally. I have two brothers who are the results of that upbringing and both are lost causes and I swore I didn't want sons because I thought it was the male-factor, but I now know it is upbringing. It is hard. *hugs*

Today is our turning point simply because I can't keep on the path we're on... As cute and adorable and as much a miracle as Elise is (and ditto for my son), I hope you can find your turning point.

I have never seen Dog Whisperer, but I get what you're saying.

I think one thing I have to start doing, with her, is having more of a firm confidence in my own authority knowing I cannot physically make her do things...that FEELS so limiting to me that I have altered expectations when really, I need to just get better at coming up with ways to be consistent and in control without the option. I really relied heavily on being able to get kids this age to listen through physically making them, in the past.

Full Dark, No Stars is full of Stephen King LOVE! I was so irritated by Under The Dome and thought he had lost his 'touch'.. but this new book proves he's still great at story telling.

Are you ordering from Half.com by chance? It's the only place I get books anymore :)

This is the first one of his I've been the slightest bit interested in, in AWHILE. I think he's released a long string of highly forgettable bullshit.

All I'm basing my interest on, granted, is the title and first lines. But hey. It's something to be interested after so long!

The Dark Tower series is probably my favorite story of all time.

Also I'm just using regular ol' eBay, not half, though I know half.com can be great.

I listened to the audiobook for Under The Dome and thought it was entertaining, but definitely not up to Stephen King par. The Regulators was further along that spectrum.

I hope the new one will be good.