altarflame (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
altarflame) wrote2008-07-04 12:20 am
altarflame) wrote2008-07-04 12:20 am
(no subject)
Yesterday was a decidely strange day. I had another two hour emdr session, but rather than being visualization based or meant to target specific things I'm suffering from now, this one delved deep into my past. I figured out a lot of things I'd never realized before about why I believe this or that and how such and such impacted me. But there wasn't any conclusion to any of it and I'm not even really sure I was in the moment and feeling any of it; it was a very detached, mental sort of excercise.
When I left the counselor's office, I ended up stranded at Wild Oats in the middle of a crazy sudden storm...the power was out, the thunder and lightning were insane, and rain was actually lashing the windows and doors (and coming in when they were open) from out in the parking lot, past the very wide sidewalk and overhang...strangers were lending each other cell phones to call home and there was even a police officer urging people NOT to try to drive, but to wait it out in the dark store. Where a sushi chef offered to share the area under his counter with me, should one of the threatened tornados come right through the store.
Then when I got back to our new house, where Grant was with the kids and various workers, a counter guy's truck had just dissapeared out of our driveway. In the middle of the afternoon. With the house full of people. After about 24 hours wondering if the area is really that theft ridden or there is more to the story, it turns out the repo man had followed him to our place and just waited for a clear shot at towing it away O_o I didn't realize they were so ruthless.
Last night I found a reserve of strength and energy I hadn't known was there, and after G went to bed early (work this morning) I stayed up as late as Jake and Elise needed me to, loving them, glad to feel them there, soaking in all the love and nursing and cuteness. I read to A and A with voices and accents and inflections, even though were way behind schedule, talked and combed hair and bathed people all late when they should have been exhausted and still found them charming - and then got everyone up early today without a hitch.
And had the kind of day I didn't think I could have anymore.
We were all 6 dressed presentably with shoes on our feet and out the door with spare diapers before 9 am, meeting with the counter and wall patching guys at the new place. A and A wrote a thank you letter and did Abeka workbook pages, respectively, I cleaned up, I made necessary phone calls. I invited Teresa/mil to come over and check out my nearly-finished tv room and library, which she did. We left and my babies took a nap, I did next loads of dishes and laundry here at Grant Sr's, and cleared some of the floor with Ananda. We all went to BJ's when they got up and shopped and I found incredible deals...including super soft "Throw" style blankets for each of the kids, each a different color and with a different animal head on one corner to make it like a hooded towel or something, super cute - for $7 each. Stowed away as Christmas presents...We also got a plain white cake from the bakery to make into our flag cake tomorrow, since our oven is broken, and the necessary berries for flagging it up. We hung out with Laura, Frank and Brian at the new place, got to show them all the exciting progress I'm starting to get giddy about, and then when we got home again I figured out what was for dinner, nursed, swept, swiffered, scrubbed the dining table, told Patrice she's invited to come to a parade and a fireworks show and make a cake with us tomorrow (she's thrilled, and so are my kids), vaccumed, and cooked - and it was crazy ridiculous yummy, to where Jake ate two big old bowls and Grant and I nearly injured ourselves with consumption. There was time for brushing everyone's teeth and reading to people and Rock Band on Playstation 3 before G had to even be in bed, Elise and Jake went down easily, and here I am updating my lj at only 12:30, which is my answer to 8 pm.
Possible theories of mine as to how this is possible:
-I am not really as bad off as I was thinking
-I am, but I've managed to bury it away in some new mental gymnastics that will come back to haunt me later
-The two, two hour emdr sessions I've had so far have really helped that much already, combined with the other 4 or 5 single hour regular talk therapy sessions.
-It is really, really helpful to me to get up early with a place to be by a certain time, which rarely happens and starts the day off right when it does
-It is really, really helpful to not be anywhere near a computer for most of the day, so I can't get stuck in some bad posture, refreshing-everything rut that saps the day of "rl".
-Everything really does have balance like I've always said, and it had simply been enough hard, unproductive days that I was just due for a good one and that will happen sometimes
-being at the new house/progress at the new house/knowing all the positive ways our lives will change in the new house are buoying me up
We're really close. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeally close.
Finished:
-replacing broken panels of glass in a couple of windows
-patching a couple of spots on the ceiling and one wall
-getting new carpet installed in the tv room and really large storage closet (aka, my kids' "secret club")
-roof replaced
-termite tenting
-old floors in bedrooms torn out
-hole in bathroom floor seamlessly tiled as it should be
-kitchen appliances, and washer and dryer, bought and delivered
-furniture for tv room and library, and the little boys' beds, delivered
-converting oven connection from gas to electric
-getting AC coils cleaned and thermostat replaced
-replacing one french door handle
In Progress:
-putting in new countertops in kitchen and bathrooms
-raising the double oven up and installing it properly
Still to Do:
-paint office
-install bamboo floors in bedrooms
-get water heater done and over with
-get futon and desk for office
-paint or replace certain bathroom tiles (for changing color, not any real problems with them)
-get fence up
-put together massive amounts of outdoor play equipment (trampoline, swing set, 7-seater jet looking teeter totter...what can I say, Grant bought that last one :p)
-installing HIGH hook and eyes on all the french doors
-phone service
-alarm hook up
-MOVE ALL OUR CRAP, after massive clean-up, clean out and general overall of stuff is finished...I'm trying to do it one small corner of this place at a time. Just today I've thrown away a large pile of stained, holey or hopelessly faded kids' clothes and a whole box of broken pieces of things from their room.
Whatever the case of feeling "back to normal", even if it is for just one day - I'll take it, by golly.
Aside: This is now my new favorite picture of Ananda and Aaron:
...Even with the horrible way grown out mohawk.
While I'm not sure this is the best picture of Elise ever, look at that dress! I love love love it on her...
And the back. She is so sweet.
Brian and Elise, at Publix - Laura and I had dropped the big kids off at AWANA and taken these guys and Jake shopping.
My lazy version of photoshopping for one more good one of both of them:
On Aaron's actual birthday, when we weren't celebrating, we nevertheless went up to Miami and met G at Olive Garden for his lunch break.
They wanted to take an "action shot" as if they were beating each other up.
What's incredible about Jake is not that he can have a dirt beard, but that he can have so very many different dirt beards each and every day. He really outdoes himself. I cleaned his face before going into the restaurant AND before getting back in the van, and yet when we got where we were going next..it was back. Perhaps his face is actually sprouting a spontaneous, actual dirt beard. In any case, I'm glad I have this as a before picture.
Before: (get ready)
AFTER!
That took me over an hour with my own razor, after cutting off as much as I possibly could with scissors, because the clippers don't work for crap on his dense, curly, thick hair. I had to change the blade three times. He loved it, though, and went around for few days saying "I don't have any hair! It's all gone!" Already, though, his head is fuzzy one way and rough the other and everyone wants to touch it.
Before game night - there are new converse and a new shark tooth necklace in this picture, for the birthday boy, along with a new haircut.
When I left the counselor's office, I ended up stranded at Wild Oats in the middle of a crazy sudden storm...the power was out, the thunder and lightning were insane, and rain was actually lashing the windows and doors (and coming in when they were open) from out in the parking lot, past the very wide sidewalk and overhang...strangers were lending each other cell phones to call home and there was even a police officer urging people NOT to try to drive, but to wait it out in the dark store. Where a sushi chef offered to share the area under his counter with me, should one of the threatened tornados come right through the store.
Then when I got back to our new house, where Grant was with the kids and various workers, a counter guy's truck had just dissapeared out of our driveway. In the middle of the afternoon. With the house full of people. After about 24 hours wondering if the area is really that theft ridden or there is more to the story, it turns out the repo man had followed him to our place and just waited for a clear shot at towing it away O_o I didn't realize they were so ruthless.
Last night I found a reserve of strength and energy I hadn't known was there, and after G went to bed early (work this morning) I stayed up as late as Jake and Elise needed me to, loving them, glad to feel them there, soaking in all the love and nursing and cuteness. I read to A and A with voices and accents and inflections, even though were way behind schedule, talked and combed hair and bathed people all late when they should have been exhausted and still found them charming - and then got everyone up early today without a hitch.
And had the kind of day I didn't think I could have anymore.
We were all 6 dressed presentably with shoes on our feet and out the door with spare diapers before 9 am, meeting with the counter and wall patching guys at the new place. A and A wrote a thank you letter and did Abeka workbook pages, respectively, I cleaned up, I made necessary phone calls. I invited Teresa/mil to come over and check out my nearly-finished tv room and library, which she did. We left and my babies took a nap, I did next loads of dishes and laundry here at Grant Sr's, and cleared some of the floor with Ananda. We all went to BJ's when they got up and shopped and I found incredible deals...including super soft "Throw" style blankets for each of the kids, each a different color and with a different animal head on one corner to make it like a hooded towel or something, super cute - for $7 each. Stowed away as Christmas presents...We also got a plain white cake from the bakery to make into our flag cake tomorrow, since our oven is broken, and the necessary berries for flagging it up. We hung out with Laura, Frank and Brian at the new place, got to show them all the exciting progress I'm starting to get giddy about, and then when we got home again I figured out what was for dinner, nursed, swept, swiffered, scrubbed the dining table, told Patrice she's invited to come to a parade and a fireworks show and make a cake with us tomorrow (she's thrilled, and so are my kids), vaccumed, and cooked - and it was crazy ridiculous yummy, to where Jake ate two big old bowls and Grant and I nearly injured ourselves with consumption. There was time for brushing everyone's teeth and reading to people and Rock Band on Playstation 3 before G had to even be in bed, Elise and Jake went down easily, and here I am updating my lj at only 12:30, which is my answer to 8 pm.
Possible theories of mine as to how this is possible:
-I am not really as bad off as I was thinking
-I am, but I've managed to bury it away in some new mental gymnastics that will come back to haunt me later
-The two, two hour emdr sessions I've had so far have really helped that much already, combined with the other 4 or 5 single hour regular talk therapy sessions.
-It is really, really helpful to me to get up early with a place to be by a certain time, which rarely happens and starts the day off right when it does
-It is really, really helpful to not be anywhere near a computer for most of the day, so I can't get stuck in some bad posture, refreshing-everything rut that saps the day of "rl".
-Everything really does have balance like I've always said, and it had simply been enough hard, unproductive days that I was just due for a good one and that will happen sometimes
-being at the new house/progress at the new house/knowing all the positive ways our lives will change in the new house are buoying me up
We're really close. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeally close.
Finished:
-replacing broken panels of glass in a couple of windows
-patching a couple of spots on the ceiling and one wall
-getting new carpet installed in the tv room and really large storage closet (aka, my kids' "secret club")
-roof replaced
-termite tenting
-old floors in bedrooms torn out
-hole in bathroom floor seamlessly tiled as it should be
-kitchen appliances, and washer and dryer, bought and delivered
-furniture for tv room and library, and the little boys' beds, delivered
-converting oven connection from gas to electric
-getting AC coils cleaned and thermostat replaced
-replacing one french door handle
In Progress:
-putting in new countertops in kitchen and bathrooms
-raising the double oven up and installing it properly
Still to Do:
-paint office
-install bamboo floors in bedrooms
-get water heater done and over with
-get futon and desk for office
-paint or replace certain bathroom tiles (for changing color, not any real problems with them)
-get fence up
-put together massive amounts of outdoor play equipment (trampoline, swing set, 7-seater jet looking teeter totter...what can I say, Grant bought that last one :p)
-installing HIGH hook and eyes on all the french doors
-phone service
-alarm hook up
-MOVE ALL OUR CRAP, after massive clean-up, clean out and general overall of stuff is finished...I'm trying to do it one small corner of this place at a time. Just today I've thrown away a large pile of stained, holey or hopelessly faded kids' clothes and a whole box of broken pieces of things from their room.
Whatever the case of feeling "back to normal", even if it is for just one day - I'll take it, by golly.
Aside: This is now my new favorite picture of Ananda and Aaron:
...Even with the horrible way grown out mohawk.
While I'm not sure this is the best picture of Elise ever, look at that dress! I love love love it on her...
And the back. She is so sweet.
Brian and Elise, at Publix - Laura and I had dropped the big kids off at AWANA and taken these guys and Jake shopping.
My lazy version of photoshopping for one more good one of both of them:
On Aaron's actual birthday, when we weren't celebrating, we nevertheless went up to Miami and met G at Olive Garden for his lunch break.
They wanted to take an "action shot" as if they were beating each other up.
What's incredible about Jake is not that he can have a dirt beard, but that he can have so very many different dirt beards each and every day. He really outdoes himself. I cleaned his face before going into the restaurant AND before getting back in the van, and yet when we got where we were going next..it was back. Perhaps his face is actually sprouting a spontaneous, actual dirt beard. In any case, I'm glad I have this as a before picture.
Before: (get ready)
AFTER!
That took me over an hour with my own razor, after cutting off as much as I possibly could with scissors, because the clippers don't work for crap on his dense, curly, thick hair. I had to change the blade three times. He loved it, though, and went around for few days saying "I don't have any hair! It's all gone!" Already, though, his head is fuzzy one way and rough the other and everyone wants to touch it.
Before game night - there are new converse and a new shark tooth necklace in this picture, for the birthday boy, along with a new haircut.
no subject
D-:
Why did you cut all his hair off?
no subject
Anyway, I totally shaved Jake's partially because he hates my preventative combing and checks and partially because it seemed like a fun and crazy thing to do. Both of us laughed through most of it and had a lot of silly fun shocking all of our friends and relatives for the next couple of days afterward. A couple of times it's made me sad, but really, his hair grows back SO FAST that these pictures are already kind of shocking again to me, and it's pretty great that every single old, dead leftover egg is just off of his head now and I know every time I look at him that there's nothing to worry about. It makes me wish I could do that in good conscience to Ananda, who's hair is THICK with old eggs even after weeks without bugs :/
no subject
Seriously everyone in my class, but me, got lice.
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I think Jake looks so much like grant in the last photo.
as babs said, "OMG, why did you buzz his head?"
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Also - Paraphrasing + Quotation Marks = DOES NOT COMPUTE.
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And, I have to say I agree with G in that I did a double take when I saw the quote ;P
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The move is getting really close now :) hows the packing going? the 7 person teeter totter sounds cool too!
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2. Love Elise's dress.
3. I think Isaac is so handsome.
4. Sometimes I wish I could shave my head, too.
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Lice was awful. I had hair to my tushie (like the middle of it) and my mother cut it off almost to my ears because of lice. We did rounds and rounds with the gross things when I was in 4th grade.
All your children are beautiful.
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I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you and I think I sort of understand how you felt.
no subject
I'm sorry about your father.