DrunkCast

[altarflame]

Last night I rambled in bed, late at night, DRUNK, for almost an hour - about various kinds of good news that I've had, and all kinds of things. I'm ridiculous at least some of the time, and then I get deeply into polyamory. I have to kinda close my eyes and just go for it to post this, because I really don't want to hurt or alienate anyone, or lose anybody special to me - for drunkenness or polyamorous-ness, but, hey, it is what it is. Overall I think it probably ended up answering most of the questions I've been asked, about that. I really want to be authentic, for lack of a better word, in every part of my life. I'm in a transitional growth phase in basically every area of my life and I feel terrified a lot of the time...TERRIFIED. All day anxiety attacks, self-sabotage. About being close to my bachelors, about REALLY losing weight, about polyamory, even about things like my improved credit and my writing and just...you know, limitless potential. Tons of change. So much risk. *shrug*

:)

There are a couple of points when it goes quiet for a few seconds but then I start talking again, that could be confusing. It seems like the end, but really, I'm dozing off.

Me, tipsy on some bleachers under bright lights, at the rink, earlier in the evening:

Comments

[breathbox.livejournal.com]

Love your voice, couldn't get too far into the recording just yet.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you. And yeah, with your brood at the ages they are? I didn't even click on videos when I had kids your kids' ages.

[logospilgrim.livejournal.com]

That is such a beautiful photo ♥

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much <3

[mizzy.livejournal.com]

I don't know him, but I have heard of him.. I have many inked friends and know quite a few tattoo artists so yanno how that happens.

About your voice, it's soothing with a bit of a sexy undertone.

[norwegian-wood.livejournal.com]

you are fooling yourself if you think you can be in love and involved sexually with someone else, and keep your marriage forever. i know poly life sounds great when you think with your desires. i have 5 close friends (5 different marriages) who are or have been in poly relationships. it never works. it ruins lives. i beg you to reconsider considering it.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I hear you. And, I haven't even come close to actually "doing anything" thus far, largely because the fear of potentially ruining our life as it is outweighs any desire I have to move forward with outside relationships.

But, I do know people who have been successful in poly relationships. Including a married couple that's going on 20 years together, has three teenage children, very involved parents, etc. They've even had a live in "third" that lasted years, which is honestly not something I ever see in our future. There is also an lj'er I know who has had "thirds" come and go from their marriage-with-children, and a friends-of-my-good-friend couple who have grown children and have always been poly.

I don't think it's something everyone can handle. I don't know if it's something we can handle! I do wonder how similar your perspective is, though, to the way people tend to gauge risks of unusual behaviors vs risks of normative behaviors in other situations - What I mean is, when someone has a disaster in their hospital birth, NOBODY says, "well, you shouldn't have went to the hospital" (except us). And when kids are failing in school, it's pretty rare to hear anybody go, "maybe we need to rethink sending kids to school." But if a homebirth or a homeschooling situation goes awry, people BLAME those alternative choices.

So, you know - HALF or more of all (supposedly) monogamous marriages end in divorce. I could name a lot of people I know, who have been divorced in recent years, and none of their issues were related to polyamory. Honestly, most of the long-running marriages I know of that are hanging in there owe at least some of their success to orthodox religious guidelines I perceive to be very oppressive and/or somebody sucking it up and dealing with some cheating, abuse and/or manipulation :/ I think truly free people just choosing to continue to be together exclusively decade after decade because it's what they still want is actually vanishingly rare, which is kinda sad.

I've actually had the thought ABOUT YOU AND STEVE, "man, maybe if they were just consensually, openly, respectfully nonmonogamous it would solve all their problems and they could be happy as life partners raising kids!" And I'm not suggesting it and don't know if it's true, and you obviously know where to find me if you wanna go deeper into private shit, but...I dunno.

I'm very open to hearing what you have to say. I appreciate your willingness to be direct and honest, in all situations.

[norwegian-wood.livejournal.com]

what ever you guys decide, i love you...i just know how much you love grant, and how awful you'd feel if any poly activity ended up effecting the kids badly, or if the bottom fell out of it all.