Faith, heartache...

[altarflame]

I suppose that it shouldn't have a big effect on my own beliefs, as none of it changes my own personal faith experiences, but the truth is that I'm sort of heartbroken and confused in the wake of several people I never expected leaving their Christian beliefs behind. It's had a lot to do with my own doubts and troubles over the last year.

One of them is Anne Rice... I came into Catholicism directly following reading her book about returning to The Church, Called Out of Darkness, as a long time fan of hers. I follow her on facebook and we have even chatted there a couple of times, and...well...silly as it might sound, she has been very influential in my life. Her vampire books were some of my very favorites as a teenager and her witch/crossover books are some of my very favorites now. Her deeply researched and beautifully expressed reasons for returning to her childhood faith really touched me, and when we were talking we seemed to have a bizarre lot of things in common (she was starting the Eat to Live doctor's Beans and Greens diet and wrestling with her faith vs her (anti-Catholic) friends, and had always wanted to write, and was with one man most of her life, and is really pro-gay rights and anti-abortion but has such a hard time with religion and politics...) I've always found it comforting and inspiring that she didn't START writing until her 30s. Anyway, it really rocked my boat in a big way when she publically, loudly decried Christianity and said she would not be a part of it anymore.

Then someone else, who I will not name, but who I thought of as a real living saint of the Orthodox faith...who has inspired and moved me and countless others and had bishop approval for their writing and who I had had long conversations about, with several other believers, and had traded emails with...found out that their bishop, the one they had been directly interacting with for blessings, prayer and counsel, was sexually abusing children. It was very painful and this person left Orthodoxy and is still going to a (different sort of) church, but it is painfully obvious that they are much more ecumenical and are also reading about many other faiths, and open to practicing them, and...I am not judging them! It's just a completely different path and definitely not the same one I'm on anymore. Everything this person says makes complete sense to me, still, as they try to sort out where they are and what they need and deal with persecution from those who feel they should have stayed the course with Orthodoxy...and that is...hard, I guess, for me, as someone in RCIA classes.

Those two things happened very close together, along with my ex, my baby daddy 1.0, so to speak, telling me he regrets his own Catholic conversion and feels he's agnostic at this point. I mean part of me wants to be really judgemental because of our history and say agnosticism is just more compatible and convenient with his lifestyle at the moment...but if I'm honest and shrug off the baggage I understood everything he had to say on the topic very well. Which is...jarring, I guess? Because we went to church and youth group and church camp as teens and attended bible study and prayed and grappled with premarital sex guilt together, and I told him all my deep dark spiritual secrets and just, I don't know. First kiss in a prayer circle and all this. I mean he kind of led me to Catholicism and to Humanae Vitae, several years ago, too. So it's like, damnitt, now you pull the wool out from under me??

The biggest whopper, though, the blow that leaves me winded and makes me tear up to think about, is Mother Theresa. I've read just about everything you can read, by and about her, and been so moved - I truly believe her words are as powerful as the gospels and that's what made the idea of saints make sense to me. Her obedience to The Church and all she accomplished in her life, through it, blew my mind. There is really no way to overstate this. Her ideas about seeing Christ in everyone and being Christ to others are the foundation of my beliefs about what it means to be a Christian (they'll know we are Christians by our Love).

But the Vatican let this whole somewhat unethical, breach of confidentiality book be published, of her letters to her mentor priest guy, her confessor. Private letters she never meant for the public. ANd in them it's revealed that she went MANY DECADES without ever feeling the presence or love of God. That she lived nearly her entire life in the proverbial dark night of the soul, lonely and miserable inside.

This is "supposed" to make me feel really comforted about the times when I don't sense or feel the presence of God, like, oh, well, even the great nearly beatified Mother Theresa herself had those times of doubt and despair! It's perfectly normal!

But...it doesn't. It makes me feel like if SHE was just going through the motions, if SHE was just forcing herself through what the faith dictates without that real emotional conviction, if she could sacrifice and give and pray and devote herself on that level and still feel like the sky was empty and it was just her doing the good work....If she could give lip service to others about how great the joy of knowing God was while she was not at all joyful...

Well fuck.

I mean, really, FUCK.

Does this make sense?

*sigh*


Last night my mil was on facebook chatting with me and she was talking about how she missed our old Disciples of Christ (female) pastor, Robin. And I understood what she meant, but I was thinking of all of this already, and so I could not help but recall standing 20 feet from the live nativity scene we were putting on by the highway as a teenager, with her telling (horrified) me that she didn't think it mattered if Mary was ACTUALLY a virgin or Jesus was TRULY conceived by the Holy Spirit. That the faith itself, the comforting metaphor, the belief in something, was what mattered.

Well, that is not good enough for me. I need it to be real or not be real. I am not someone who can respect and adhere to rules and rituals for the sake of themselves.

---

I am still deeply in love with Jesus Christ; all He said and did, everything He stood for. I'm deeply disillutioned with His followers and not so sure about anything being done in His name. I'm even curious about whether or not He's quite who I've typically been thinking.

I was out tonight, and feeling a little pang at every smudge of ashes I spotted on someone's forehead. I feel I need to throw myself into Lent, and then I feel like I just can't, or don't want to, or don't understand why I should. Then I go back to feeling I need to just do it. Because there is this pure love I can't help but feel in spite of all this consternation and grief, when I see the icon I'm using for this post or even think the word "Christ". There is a real longing in me for God, even when I can't bring myself to repent for anything because I'm just not sorry. Not even sorry I'm not sorry.

I guess that for now that has to be enough.

Comments

delurking....

[goddessdi.livejournal.com]

I have always found your story interesting, I've been a lurker since Elise was born.

I just want to tell you that our backstories may be very different but I struggle with being Catholic for a lot of similar reasons. I went through RCIA in 2005. I love the mass at a Catholic Church. But I am also gay. I have gone to other churches but they don't feel right to me. So I try to find a Catholic church that is accepting of my lifestyle (there are some but I just moved so I am still working on it) and I am grateful that my beautiful wife is accepting of my need for faith and God and Jesus and supports me going to church if that's what I want even if she doesn't agree because of their lack of support.

Anyways long comment but if you ever want to talk to someone else who has the conflicts but still has that belief let me know. And know that your struggle is totally normal. I know when I went through RCIA there were a lot of members of my parish who disagreed with Rome but still loved the faith.

Re: delurking....

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing here. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply.

I wonder all the time about how incredibly difficult Christianity must be for gay people - I stress enough just about Christian takes on homosexuality as a straight person. It hugely concerns me as something one of my kids could end up struggling with one day.

I wonder if there aren't networks and websites specifically devoted to gay-friendly churches, for when someone moves (or is travelling, or thinking of converting...)? If not, there should be!

"disagreed with Rome but still loved the faith" - yeah.

[evrydayjnglbtch.livejournal.com]

I want to ask why you have a problem with Joyce Meyers, bc she touches on said subjects a lot. And she is on the ball.
But ultimately we can have a head knowledge and wisdom on the Word, but until we have a spiritual understanding of what we is revealed to us, we have to make decisions.
I made the decision every day to expect good things. I watch Joyce and read my Word every morning- even if I don't want to- and I'm always glad I did.
There are so many different levels of faith and understanding and I'm hungry bc I rly had a poor amount of both until after Malachi's death.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I just instinctively have a sort of knee jerk, involuntary dislike of her as a personality thing, that I kind of can't help, but then I also have an ever-growing distrust of Protestant Christians who are speaking through the media...there is so much I disagree with about what so many of them have to say and it causes me to get to a point in my own mind of "Where do you get your authority?" It's scary to me that anyone can put their own spin on the bible/Jesus and make their own new sect, or cult, or denomination. I'm not saying Joyce is NOT trustworthy, just that I have a certain skepticism and haven't really tried to discern whether I think she's valid or not, if that makes sense.

I am so, so, SO GLAD and happy that you are feeling so much peace and happiness spiritually. I was really worried about you when Malachi died, and you have been through SO MUCH the past few years. <3

[erinmdmd.livejournal.com]

As a lifelong Catholic, no I don't always feel an overwhelming sense of God. You can't maintain that fervent feeling nonstop, just as you don't always have an "up" period in your marriage. Its just the nature of a long term relationship. So yes, there are many weeks where I struggle to pray. Where I sit in mass feeling angsty and irritated and wishing we could HURRY UP AND GO NOW.

I don't think this is abnormal. Really, truly. Maybe its easier because I grew up with this knowledge and didn't have to convert later in life, but I try to remind myself of two things always- God is good, and God loves me, even when I cannot hear it all the time.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Your first paragraph here was really interesting to me and I've thought back to it often. I became a Christian as a hormonal and emotional teenager, in retreat settings, and so I think it's almost hard for me to imagine that cradle mentality...definitely food for thought.

That last bit makes me smile every time I re-read it :)

[mercyorbemoaned.livejournal.com]

Watch the Bill Moyers interview with Sister Wendy.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I feel like a very very bad person because it's extremely difficult for me to watch her speak without being unduly distracted by her teeth/lisp.

HOWEVER, when I minimized it and just listened to the interview, that was much better.

I'm not sure it helped me any, though. She shaves her head and lives in a habit so that she doesn't have to concern herself with hairstyles or fashion choices; this makes sense to me in a "but I would rather die" sort of way. *sigh*

I like a lot of what she has to say.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

I was out tonight, and feeling a little pang at every smudge of ashes I spotted on someone's forehead.

This entry has been bothering me all night because I've been where you are, almost exactly. I converted to Catholicism. I was a strong Catholic and Maddox was baptized as a baby.

Well, that is not good enough for me. I need it to be real or not be real. I am not someone who can respect and adhere to rules and rituals for the sake of themselves.

I want to ask you to stop going down this rabbit hole. I wanted to know if Christianity was true so I looked into scholarly journals and documents. It consumed me for over a year and I came out of it an atheist. In fact, I have never met anyone who went down this path who came out as a christian on the other side.

I haven't posted about my deconversion but it was painful. It started with a statement almost identical to yours about not just wanting to follow the rules.

[sevenmicks.livejournal.com]

I did that. And I re-verted to Catholicism after falling away. So, at least you know ONE person. ;)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

That's great! You're one of the bestest people on the internet anyway so it's fitting you'd defy the odds :)

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Well....I've always known that Christianity would not/does not hold up intellectually when studied from that sort of perspective. I've never looked for scholarly proof of Christianity, I think it's highly irrational and that is ok with me...if I am emotionally convicted that it is true regardless. The lack of personal conviction is what makes me doubt. Does this make sense?

I have known several people who went through periods of doubt or historical research and came out the other side Christian; if you are viewing history through the lens of convicted belief rather than doubtful skepticism you can draw very different conclusions.

[traumerin.livejournal.com]

I, on the other hand, am one of those people who was raised essentially non-religious, felt a great hunger for religion, and came to it in part through the academic study of religion. Of course, we shall see how it all plays out in the future!

[(Anonymous)]

Anne Rice has commented on a few topics on the National Catholic Register site. She is always so calm and thoughtful in her remarks. The regular zealots over there just go absolutely nuts on her and paint themselves in the worst possible light.

[justneverended.livejournal.com]

I feel like once I've had a few hours of sleep I might have SO MUCH TO SAY to this entry.

But for right now, all I'm going to say is dude, honestly, it really is at its center all about Jesus Christ, not his followers and the dumbass things we all say and do. And that makes it really, really hard, because so much of what we say and do isn't much like him, but it's so public and out there and just... it can make it really confusing as we attempt to sort through the hype and ritual and cultural nonsense and figure out who God is and what the hell it really means to be a Christian.

Anyway. Besides that, I'm just going to send love for you in all your wranglings.

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

Pretty much this. If it's Jesus and God for whom you feel the love, then it's them you need to follow. Your post was about how others have changed their views or haven't lived up to the expectation you had of them, and that's not what it's about.

Sending you light. This is hard.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) This is a great comment and I really appreciate it.

[emilie1024.livejournal.com]

I can really relate to this. I've been through quite a journey faith-wise, and although I've never lost my faith, I've lost my faith in the church more than once. I also have Anne Rice's book Out of the Darkness and plan on reading while I am off track. I think I know who you are referring to who used to be orthodox. Is this person on lj?

BTW I found your journal via babyslime and the thread about the stretched ear lobes. That was quite funny.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

My birthday is also October 24!

Also thanks, yeah, I think we were both laughing a lot that night :)

[yolen.livejournal.com]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xep60KSrBSQ

As someone who was raised Catholic and decided at 13 that organized religion was not for me, and who has pretty much moved to an agnostic, borderline atheist I want you to know: life is still meaningful and good for people who don't belong to an organized religion. I know that's got to be one of the scariest things for a person who is afraid of losing their faith, will life still be meaningful? YES.