altarflame (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
altarflame) wrote2006-07-19 04:32 pm
altarflame) wrote2006-07-19 04:32 pm
Entry tags:
A Cry For Help...Cry for help...for help...help...help
You hear that echo?
Isaac is totally out of control again. There are times when, though I love him, I honestly don't like him. There are times when it's hard to keep myself from slapping the shit out of him. This is a strange and unique thing for me that I never feel about any of my other children. I cling to the fact that it happens to Grant, too (who also never feels it towards any of the others).
Last night we were all going into BJ's. They have automatic doors - an entrance on one side of the store, an exit on the other. It had rained outside so all the carts out there were soaking wet - we were going in to get a cart. I was holding Jake and the others were walking. They held hands (Isaac held my hand) as we crossed the street, then let go but stayed close once we were going into the store. I got in, with them all, and then Isaac darted back out...and the doors closed. They don't open from the inside, they're entrance doors. I put on a really stern face and used the Finger of Doom and mouthed to him to Get. Over. Here. NOW. He got "that special look" in his eye, and ran for it. Out of my line of sight.
When I got to him (an employee who was nearby opened the door for me with a key) I made him sit in a soaking wet cart outside even though he hates water, and told him it was because I couldn't trust him to walk in with us. And then I made him stay in it the whoooooole time we shopped (it was quite awhile) even though A and A walked (we often use one of those attached-bench or truck carts that hold everyone). At the very end he had been so good that I let him out again when he asked nicely, but he immediately got "That look" again and ran for it like it was all a game.
And of course there is the fact that EVERY SINGLE DAY for anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours after he wakes up, he screams, and whines, and throws himself onto the tile yelling. This is in the morning AND at naptime. We know he's up when he flings himself on the floor yelling and weeping. Regardless of whether we coddle or ignore him, offer him things, try to go somewhere right away outside of the house (he's usually better out of the house), WHATEVER. Nursing will soothe him but I can't ALWAYS drop everything to nurse him right away, and he usually throws a fit whenever we have to stop (he seriously wants to nurse for an hour at a time, several times a day...I don't think he would even consume regular food at all if I let him nurse as much as he wants to).
Today started out pretty well. He was quiet (for once) when he woke up and came into my bed, so as not to disturb Jake. I nursed him and he dealt with it, when it was time to stop (after 30 minutes, granted). I offered him various breakfasts that he was not interested in, he did take a muffin and then leave most of it on the table. He helped me clean up the living room very well, was acting nice to everyone. Then he ran in his room to pee on the carpet and act like it was cool - he does this very intentionally, it's not a bladder control thing - so I had him go get a towel and made him clean it up himself. I thought it was an isolated act of tyranny. Then when Annie was coloring, he started grabbing crayons and throwing them, and when Aaron was coloring, he kept trying to color on his picture. Screaming and arguments. Pushing Jake down, scattering a bin we had cleaned up, etc - they were all obvious cries for attention so aside from making him fix his messes and apologize to people I tried to give him some more attention and it seemed to sort of help for a little while. Even though, mind you, he at this point had been nursed more than Jake and talked with more than all of them combined - the others all amused themselves all morning.
Then came naptime. He was tired, it's approximately the same time everyday, we have a routine, etc. We get in there though and he wants to get in the bed alone, but won't get in. When I start to put him in he goes limp, thrashing and screaming. I stick him in anyway and he wants a drink, but refuses it. I put it back, he screams for it. I tell him too late, he says cover me up. I say lay down, he says no-oh in a sing song. I say, no really, lay down Isaac, he says No again and starts acting like he's going to climb out. I say, ok, I'm leaving, cover yourself. He yells no no no cover me and acts like he's going to lay down and says he's sorry so I turn to cover him and he pops up again laughing at me, and I SLAP THE HELL OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD before I even realized what I was doing. Like I was standing there thinking, "I just hit him. Geez, wtf?"
He was shocked and aghast and layed down and I covered him and came out here to think about it. He did not cry a whole lot or freak out or anything. And it's not like I left marks on him or used a closed fist or something psycho like that...I am shell shocked enough by tyranny that I was thinking, amongst feeling bad for snapping in anger like that, at least he's quiet now :x I called Grant to talk about it and then went to lay down with Jake to get him down for a nap, so I could do school with the big kids. Isaac starts bursting into my room. Just enough to open and slam the door, or run by it yelling. So Jake obviously will not nap. I start getting mad, go out and talk to him, demand that he get in the bed, tell him he better be in the bed when I'm done, etc etc.
Jake goes down easily then in the quiet, like he always does.
I go out and Isaac is waiting for me. In their room, on Aaron's bed. When he sees me, he looks right at me, says "Pee Aaron's bed" and pees all over Aaron's bed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a total loss. None of my other kids would DARE to do the things that he does. Annie or Aaron would also be horrified and break down, if I yelled at them the way I sometimes do him. They would be showing lasting trauma from a slap upside the head, too. Isaac laughs at me most of the time when I get mad, feeling that he's won by getting a rise out of me. I honestly believe Grant and I have done very well with him, most likely the best we could. I am afraid that BEFORE he is a teenager, I won't have any control over him at all.
Isaac is totally out of control again. There are times when, though I love him, I honestly don't like him. There are times when it's hard to keep myself from slapping the shit out of him. This is a strange and unique thing for me that I never feel about any of my other children. I cling to the fact that it happens to Grant, too (who also never feels it towards any of the others).
Last night we were all going into BJ's. They have automatic doors - an entrance on one side of the store, an exit on the other. It had rained outside so all the carts out there were soaking wet - we were going in to get a cart. I was holding Jake and the others were walking. They held hands (Isaac held my hand) as we crossed the street, then let go but stayed close once we were going into the store. I got in, with them all, and then Isaac darted back out...and the doors closed. They don't open from the inside, they're entrance doors. I put on a really stern face and used the Finger of Doom and mouthed to him to Get. Over. Here. NOW. He got "that special look" in his eye, and ran for it. Out of my line of sight.
When I got to him (an employee who was nearby opened the door for me with a key) I made him sit in a soaking wet cart outside even though he hates water, and told him it was because I couldn't trust him to walk in with us. And then I made him stay in it the whoooooole time we shopped (it was quite awhile) even though A and A walked (we often use one of those attached-bench or truck carts that hold everyone). At the very end he had been so good that I let him out again when he asked nicely, but he immediately got "That look" again and ran for it like it was all a game.
And of course there is the fact that EVERY SINGLE DAY for anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours after he wakes up, he screams, and whines, and throws himself onto the tile yelling. This is in the morning AND at naptime. We know he's up when he flings himself on the floor yelling and weeping. Regardless of whether we coddle or ignore him, offer him things, try to go somewhere right away outside of the house (he's usually better out of the house), WHATEVER. Nursing will soothe him but I can't ALWAYS drop everything to nurse him right away, and he usually throws a fit whenever we have to stop (he seriously wants to nurse for an hour at a time, several times a day...I don't think he would even consume regular food at all if I let him nurse as much as he wants to).
Today started out pretty well. He was quiet (for once) when he woke up and came into my bed, so as not to disturb Jake. I nursed him and he dealt with it, when it was time to stop (after 30 minutes, granted). I offered him various breakfasts that he was not interested in, he did take a muffin and then leave most of it on the table. He helped me clean up the living room very well, was acting nice to everyone. Then he ran in his room to pee on the carpet and act like it was cool - he does this very intentionally, it's not a bladder control thing - so I had him go get a towel and made him clean it up himself. I thought it was an isolated act of tyranny. Then when Annie was coloring, he started grabbing crayons and throwing them, and when Aaron was coloring, he kept trying to color on his picture. Screaming and arguments. Pushing Jake down, scattering a bin we had cleaned up, etc - they were all obvious cries for attention so aside from making him fix his messes and apologize to people I tried to give him some more attention and it seemed to sort of help for a little while. Even though, mind you, he at this point had been nursed more than Jake and talked with more than all of them combined - the others all amused themselves all morning.
Then came naptime. He was tired, it's approximately the same time everyday, we have a routine, etc. We get in there though and he wants to get in the bed alone, but won't get in. When I start to put him in he goes limp, thrashing and screaming. I stick him in anyway and he wants a drink, but refuses it. I put it back, he screams for it. I tell him too late, he says cover me up. I say lay down, he says no-oh in a sing song. I say, no really, lay down Isaac, he says No again and starts acting like he's going to climb out. I say, ok, I'm leaving, cover yourself. He yells no no no cover me and acts like he's going to lay down and says he's sorry so I turn to cover him and he pops up again laughing at me, and I SLAP THE HELL OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD before I even realized what I was doing. Like I was standing there thinking, "I just hit him. Geez, wtf?"
He was shocked and aghast and layed down and I covered him and came out here to think about it. He did not cry a whole lot or freak out or anything. And it's not like I left marks on him or used a closed fist or something psycho like that...I am shell shocked enough by tyranny that I was thinking, amongst feeling bad for snapping in anger like that, at least he's quiet now :x I called Grant to talk about it and then went to lay down with Jake to get him down for a nap, so I could do school with the big kids. Isaac starts bursting into my room. Just enough to open and slam the door, or run by it yelling. So Jake obviously will not nap. I start getting mad, go out and talk to him, demand that he get in the bed, tell him he better be in the bed when I'm done, etc etc.
Jake goes down easily then in the quiet, like he always does.
I go out and Isaac is waiting for me. In their room, on Aaron's bed. When he sees me, he looks right at me, says "Pee Aaron's bed" and pees all over Aaron's bed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a total loss. None of my other kids would DARE to do the things that he does. Annie or Aaron would also be horrified and break down, if I yelled at them the way I sometimes do him. They would be showing lasting trauma from a slap upside the head, too. Isaac laughs at me most of the time when I get mad, feeling that he's won by getting a rise out of me. I honestly believe Grant and I have done very well with him, most likely the best we could. I am afraid that BEFORE he is a teenager, I won't have any control over him at all.
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So I can of course relate to how terrible and out of control and ashamed you must be feeling and then also thinking "but this is THAT child we are talking about, so maybe it won't even matter"
And maybe it won't. Who knows if in the long run a slap in anger is going to cause any lasting damage to a kid like Isaac (my money is on no, and that he won't even remember past tomorrow) but knowing that you had a moment of total out-of-controlness because of something a 2 year old did feels like absolute crap.
The bible says something about being sanctified through motherhood. I think this is why. Just when you think you got it down something happens that makes you feel like a big stinky looser. It is very humbling.
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Wish I had something useful to say...
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Maddox acts EXACTLY like that and I was/am at the "I want to slap the shit out of you" stage with him on a daily basis. That's the biggest reason I got a job was because I couldn't handle him anymore. It never ever ends. His doc thinks he has asperger's and ya know what? If I'm offered meds for this kid when my girlfriend and I finally get a comprehensive evaluation- he will take them.
I empathise more than I can tell you. I have been there. I know we have different opinions on some issues but if you EVER want to talk- I'll call you. I'll actually be in florida (ft. lauderdale) next week with my tyrant ;)
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I agree that Issac sounds like he enjoys manipulating you. Maddox just doesn't act like that- he literally acts like he cannot control himself- like it's out of his control.
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with my oldest one.
i feel things i dare not even bring up in my stupid journal.
maybe its because he's from another guy and i worry that people will think that i'm all caught up with the baby but he's ten and his behavior has been shocking since he was about 18 months old. he was about six before i felt comfortable taking him out in public and not worrying that he would act tyrannical, run away just for kicks, break shit, etc, etc. he was mighty embarrassing and at ten, still is sometimes. yesterday we were at goodwill. things were going pretty well...he wasn't bugging for anything, he was staying by the cart, he didn't even get his own cart which he usually does against my wishes. it was good. until he starts lagging behind me and i turn around just in time to see him throw a book down a clothing aisle. wtf? some man saw him and i had to explain to him like he was a toddler that he needed to go pick it up, put it back, and not do things like that because when i first asked why he did it he replied 'because i felt like it' and proceeded to walk with me as if i'd ignore it.
i could list many, many examples but i'm not trying to write a book here. the term 'oppositional defiance disorder' has been thrown around and as much as i hate the though of him being labelled, i've looked into it and he fits EVERY single description and displays EVERY single behavior. it's not like you run down a list of symptoms for depression or the flu and say, yeah i've got six or eight of those but not those other four. its like no doubt...all the traits, he exhibits and all the descriptions and case-studies are like someone was in my home, writing about my son.
i don't know...but again, i feel you.
*hugs*
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Also, there's the jealousy with Jake maybe coming up a bit, which is what I've been noticing with Cerys and Lara. Could be something in that too.
Of course, Isaac sounds a LOT tougher than Cerys, though I do know that "look" you're talking about as well. Usually threatening time-outs works, but she tests a lot and then gets her time-out. Then she refuses to sit in a time-out, so yesterday I resorted to putting away a box of her toys. I've heard that these are the smart kids that do this... :/
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He does get jealous, but I really don't think it's ever warranted. I mean he gets SO MUCH MORE of me than anyone else does.
We do have some structure now. Naptimes, bedtimes, tea time every day. I really don't feel capable of much more than that :x You could be right about that...
That whole thing with pouncing on weakness...yeah. Seriously.
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Maybe the meditation would work then. Cerys understands everything as well, so I know exactly what you mean.