altarflame | Things feel really hard, and slow motion...

We're on day 4 of antibiotics, right? Almost half over? So why does it feel like FOREVER?

It was so hard to leave him there last night. I sit up in bed at night imagining him crying in his bed alone, and he's so happy, when I'm there with him...I imagine the nurses giving him formula while I pump, just because it's easy to get confused, they keep moving him from nursery to nursery, and most of the babies in there eat formula.

Now there's ANOTHER stupid hurricane coming towards us. They're saying it will most likely hit Southwestern Florida this weekend. And it will most likely be up to a Category 3 by tomorrow night. And what the heck am I supposed to do, if my baby is in the hospital and we have some major hurricane coming? What the hell is this even about, anyway, hurricanes in mid October? Hurricanes happen in August. And by happen, I mean one threatens us and moves on. This season has been insane.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A LOT. I'm trying to remember that.

-When I got home, Isaac's face lit up, and he started DANCING and then ran to me for hugs. Ananda heard from the other end of the house and came bolting down the hallway screaming Mommy Mommy Mommy! They were all so thrilled. And I had a pile of packages waiting for me, and my mother and sister had taken such good care of them - changing cloth diapers, cooking them homemade food, sticking to all their routines - that I never had to worry, while I was away.

-I have a man here who brought the baby to and from me and did all the burping and changing, the whole time we were in the hospital. At one point he was lifting up all of my sagging muscles and skin, to clean my incision, and looked up at me in the middle of it to tell me I was beautiful in such a way that I actually believed him. This after the labor support and before all the comfort and worry together, at home...

-And of course most of the babies around Jake are actually having big problem, not just sitting there, big and healthy, until their antibiotics are gone.

So...I should really stop crying all the time.

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Oh, Lord have mercy. I don't know why this entry made me sob outloud, but it did. I am praying with everything I have that the hurricane goes somewhere else, or just goes away. I'm praying that Jake is safe in your arms in your home surrounded by all that love so soon that you wonder how in the world the time went so fast. And I'm praying that the nurses PAY ATTENTION and give that precious baby the breastmilk he deserves and that you are working so hard to give to him.

Be gentle with yourself, Tina. Remember the joy in the pain.

I would imagine you sobbed because you could hear me sobbing :/

It's tough, with hurricanes...I always want them to go somewhere else, but I never want to wish them on anybody else, either. I always just hope God knows what I mean, or something lame like that...

Thank you for all of your prayers. I really appreciate them.

:::sigh::: And there IS joy.

I'm praying for you and yours :) I know I don't have to tell you everything will be fine - everything will be MORE than fine, and soon you'll be home snuggling with all four of your beautiful children.

Your Grant sounds wonderful. That almost made me cry it was so sweet.

How are you doing, though? As in your physical person? Are you feeling well? In pain? I'm curious what the recovery from a c-section is like.

c/s recovery has been different for me everytime. With Ananda, I had a bruised lung from them jostling her around in there before pushing her out of the incision, and I also had nightmares and hallucinations in the hospital from the painkillers they gave me. Those were the hardest things, that time. With Aaron, I lost a HUGE (life threatening) amount of blood, and was shaking with cold and weak, and dizzy, for a week after, and that was the hardest. Isaac was a breeze, no complications for me. This time a backache where they did the epidural has been the biggest odd thing.

Common to all, and "normal": It's REALLY hard to sit up, step up (like into our van or up from the laundry room), walk at a normal pace, bend, etc. Walking slowly and upright is not so hard, laying down flat is fine. But rolling over or scooting around in the bed is basically impossible. Getting up is much faster if I have help. I accidentally (out of habit, wasn't thinking) lifted Isaac, yesterday, and regretted that fast (feels like you're going to rip something inside). I'm not even supposed to lift Jake, though I've done it a couple of times in these past couple of days.

Basically, you have no idea what all you use your abs for, until they've been cut and stitched. You can't drive because you can't reliably lift your foot onto the pedals. It hurts to strain to open a jar, and who knew THAT used abs?

I feel sore and achy all the time, but only in pain if something is irritating it - like lifting Isaac or Jake, trying to get up out of bed (and our mattress is on the FLOOR), etc.

That's exactly what I was wondering about - the ab muscles. I had my gall bladder out this summer, and that was precisely how I explained it to people - you have no idea how important those muscles are until you cut them. And my surgery was just three, inch-long incisions. I can't imagine doing anything with a c-section sized incision.

They won't let you stay in the hospital with him? I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what that would be like. But, like you said, four more days. Although I bet that seems like an eternity.

Crying all the time is totally normal, esp with all the hormones. All I did was cry when Jane was in the NICU!

You're allowed to be there as often as you like, with no hour restrictions, but you can't fall asleep there. And recovering from major surgery, with all of our help having left and gone home, and 3 other small kids at the house, and living an hour from the hospital (by highway)...it's all we can do to get up there everyday (With all the kids, I can't drive for weeks yet) for a couple/few hours. Long enough for me to nurse him a couple of times, sit with him, leave milk.

And it's 6 days...we're on day 4 of 10 :/ I wish it was 4! My birthday is Monday, and there is really just one thing I want, this year.

I didn't know Jane was in the NICU. What was wrong?

She was there for four days to rule out sebsis becuase she was born with a fever (probably from the epidural). There was nothing wrong with her, as it turned out.

:( That sucks, 6 more days.

oh tina. lots of love and prayers.

and looked up at me in the middle of it to tell me I was beautiful in such a way that I actually believed him.
That is beautiful and heart tugging. I'm glad for you that you are blessed with someone so loving.

I hope the days go by quickly for you and that you heal in a miraculously quick way :-)

He'll be home soon, and you are beautiful. You have so much strength.

(PS. I emailed you back)

Ive been avidly reading your posts but just can't figure out what to say. It is all just so much for one family to deal with. I am praying for Jake and that hurricane to miss you.

you always get me with your last lines.

honey, cry all you want. You've been through a lot.

As for the hurrican, I say go to the hos, and wait it out there. ;) hehe. they can't kick you out!

It seems so slow to me too, though I suppose I've had an eventful couple of days here that make it seem like weeks have gone by. I'd be crying too - you can do both (appreciate what you have while crying over upsetting things) and that's what you are doing. Hang in there... You are strong.

Things feel really hard, and slow motion...

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