A song.

[altarflame]

In the midst of going through all this old stuff from Grant Sr's and journals and blah blah blah I often find myself nostalgic, or irritable, or freaked out, or laughing my head off at some bit of memorabilia. I never know when I'll come to the red arm band I was wearing during my transfusion, or that toddler picture I totally forgot about, or that letter with jokes and drawings all over it that was so funny, or whatever. High school friends, camp friends, internet friends, mommy friends - pastors galore, counselors, and teachers. Relatives.

Then there are letters I got at camp, from Grant - he wasn't at camp because he was staying in Homestead to babysit my brother, which was normally my job, and there was no way I could've gone to camp if someone else hadn't been available to do that because my mom had to work.

The sexy letters from my teenage boyfriend Grant.

The letters I got from my very best friend Grant while I was with someone else.

The confused and disillutioned letters when he was breaking up with other girls.

The 14 page letter with a cd-soundtrack about how he had always been in love with me and always would be, and he expected nothing in return. How very much he loved my children and how they were geniuses because of all I did with and for them and how he wanted me to be happy always.

The ridiculous cards. Dozens of them from so many occassions.

The suited-up-for-cesarean shots of him.

Wedding pictures, NICU pictures, isn't it really wack that he STILL looks so hot to me in that one where he's only 14 and I was taking the picture because he looked so hot to me that day, when I was also 14? This smooth neck and jawline thing. He was so pale.

I was different the first day I woke up married. Some panicky jumpy part of myself had CALMED DOWN. Maybe all my paranoia and inability to trust would come true and he'd die or hurt me...but I was his wife and nothing could take it away. If he died I'd be Tina Walker, I'd be a widow, it wouldn't be any more confusing muddled up girlfriend bs. I'd spent weeks in this terror that something terrible was going to happen because there was no way I could be a real legitimate married person. But then...I was. Sacramental bond.

Today he walked in wearing his business clothes, all bearded and broad shouldered and tan like he is, and he took off his tie and unbuttoned some buttons and pulled out his poneytail holder and I think I had a fangirl moment, I had to squeal and throw my panties.

Sometimes I run my fingers through his chest hair and think about when he didn't have any chest hair.

Rollercoasters; taking turns pacing with the kozy carrier; sitting in the van - up late in the dark on the road being goofy; falling asleep and waking up - dozing and dreaming and warm skin under the covers.

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

-the Beatles

Comments

[eternamariposa.livejournal.com]

I remember ALL of those things. I remember the letters he sent with the homemade wax seals on them. I remember how great he always was with the kids, I will NEVER stop laughing about the machine gun Annie or when she had a case of the red ass. I remember thinking that I had never heard you laugh so hard or so much outside of my company at 3 in the morning until Grant was around. Compelling reasons to get with the hero.

I have actually been finding myself in a state of awe about my husband this way, realizing that this broader, stronger, more balanced man who is out in the world showing up to situations where people put their own lives or the people that they love in his hands to save, and he does, is also my boyfriend. The one that I had braces with. The one who didn't care about school, certainly didn't seem excited about children, drove way too fast-often while shooting a paint ball gun-and got dressed up for my school dances when he didn't even go to his own. It is like flashes of photographs sometimes. I see the ones with us out on our dates as teenagers all dressed up for each other, the road trip shots, seeing him getting his toncils out, seeing him smile bigger than I knew he could because the pain was finally too much so he knew Brian was coming. I have never found anything so priceless and sexy as those moments when I can see all of our history and our son in his face and I realize that I have trusted him with so much and he totally delivers.

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

:)

[wanderinganima.livejournal.com]

I am at work this post is so beautiful and to end it with the perfect Beatles song ...wow it brought a tear to my eyes.
Thank you.
Teresa

[breathbox.livejournal.com]

lovely.

[traumerin.livejournal.com]

That is too sweet!

You know, sometimes I despair that there really are good, kind, responsible, mature, self-sacrificing men in the world, so reading this is something like reassurance. Now I just need to find one of my own...!

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

You are worth it all. The sneaky thingis that I am the lucky one.

[emfish.livejournal.com]

This. This is exactly how I feel about my husband. Falling in love at 16, and then watching that love grow over the years into marriage and children- it's like a fusing of souls. Sometimes when I see him, I still get a glimpse of that long-haired, skinny guitar-player I crushed on majorly in high school, and I can't believe how insanely lucky I am.