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Oct. 11th, 2009 01:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI'm having a rough night.
Grant is still stuck at work at almost 2 am, babysitting some lady who has to finish loading a program or some such thing (he locks the door when he leaves). Earlier I thought that Elise had a concussion...I spent awhile on the phone with my paramedic brother in law trying to decide whether or not to take her to the hospital. Elise + hospital should never be in the same sentence on my lips, ever, period. She was very out of sorts for quite awhile, in a totally ambiguous way that had me so desperate.
I want to go to Liturgy at St George's Antiochian Cathedral tomorrow, before Mass at St Louis which my whole family is depending on and we told my sister she could have a ride to with us. If Grant gets no sleep at all he will not be at all capable of helping me pull off the two car, pick Laura and Brian up, meet me halfway thing we had planned.
LAST week I was supposed to go, and he got a flat tire on the way home from (ANOTHER SUPER LATE SATURDAY) work.
The concussion thing really had me wacked out.
A main thing that is getting to me, though, overall, is how NOT eating - either constantly or the wrong things - which is so completely necessary to my freaking SURVIVAL, with the health issues I have - is just so hard. I'm doing it; I really am. But "doing it" makes it so hard to do anything else. My house is a mess; dinner was served at 8:30; the chickens were fed for the first time after dark, today; the office is still in the same just-painted shambles it was a week ago, and WHY WHY WHY have I not already submitted my articles to Midwifery Today?!
It's because all of my energy, every bit of strength that I have - which is not much, let me tell you - is focused on staying close to and dependent on God, rather than falling back into this ridiculous food addiction. I've lost 15 pounds. I'm also feeling insanely effective and connected as I pray for a friend, I really think it is all connected...I'm having some degree of "success". It's hard to think it's all I'm accomplishing, though.
And it isn't, really...there have been some amazing homeschool times this week. There are just so many things I feel I should be doing, that I'm not.
And I have good times. I really do. I had a salad on the swing out on the deck today. I sat crocheting Isaac's blanket - it's almost done. We had tea outside yesterday afternoon and it was totally peaceful. Grant and I slip off to our room to talk and laugh and watch shows on my laptop and just love each other, after setting up a movie for the kids, during the scant hour we have of his free time.
I also get totally Spirit-filled and euphorically joyful at times, like I can do anything (through Christ who strengthens me...)
Right now I'm just a big massive tangle of knotted ARGH.
Also - tomorrow G has to be out at the winery's stupid guacamole festival thing taking pictures even though it's Jake's birthday and his one remaining day off and he'll be sleeping for half of it. We're basically postponing celebration for one day, which is not that big of a deal, I know, though Jake doesn't really understand it and has been counting down. Monday, though, Grant has already talked about a meeting in the morning, and Ananda and Aaron have dance classes Monday night. Jake wants to go down to Anne's Beach...so...?
My head is going to explode. I have to stop and pray and relax and read, or something. "Let it be".
Grant is still stuck at work at almost 2 am, babysitting some lady who has to finish loading a program or some such thing (he locks the door when he leaves). Earlier I thought that Elise had a concussion...I spent awhile on the phone with my paramedic brother in law trying to decide whether or not to take her to the hospital. Elise + hospital should never be in the same sentence on my lips, ever, period. She was very out of sorts for quite awhile, in a totally ambiguous way that had me so desperate.
I want to go to Liturgy at St George's Antiochian Cathedral tomorrow, before Mass at St Louis which my whole family is depending on and we told my sister she could have a ride to with us. If Grant gets no sleep at all he will not be at all capable of helping me pull off the two car, pick Laura and Brian up, meet me halfway thing we had planned.
LAST week I was supposed to go, and he got a flat tire on the way home from (ANOTHER SUPER LATE SATURDAY) work.
The concussion thing really had me wacked out.
A main thing that is getting to me, though, overall, is how NOT eating - either constantly or the wrong things - which is so completely necessary to my freaking SURVIVAL, with the health issues I have - is just so hard. I'm doing it; I really am. But "doing it" makes it so hard to do anything else. My house is a mess; dinner was served at 8:30; the chickens were fed for the first time after dark, today; the office is still in the same just-painted shambles it was a week ago, and WHY WHY WHY have I not already submitted my articles to Midwifery Today?!
It's because all of my energy, every bit of strength that I have - which is not much, let me tell you - is focused on staying close to and dependent on God, rather than falling back into this ridiculous food addiction. I've lost 15 pounds. I'm also feeling insanely effective and connected as I pray for a friend, I really think it is all connected...I'm having some degree of "success". It's hard to think it's all I'm accomplishing, though.
And it isn't, really...there have been some amazing homeschool times this week. There are just so many things I feel I should be doing, that I'm not.
And I have good times. I really do. I had a salad on the swing out on the deck today. I sat crocheting Isaac's blanket - it's almost done. We had tea outside yesterday afternoon and it was totally peaceful. Grant and I slip off to our room to talk and laugh and watch shows on my laptop and just love each other, after setting up a movie for the kids, during the scant hour we have of his free time.
I also get totally Spirit-filled and euphorically joyful at times, like I can do anything (through Christ who strengthens me...)
Right now I'm just a big massive tangle of knotted ARGH.
Also - tomorrow G has to be out at the winery's stupid guacamole festival thing taking pictures even though it's Jake's birthday and his one remaining day off and he'll be sleeping for half of it. We're basically postponing celebration for one day, which is not that big of a deal, I know, though Jake doesn't really understand it and has been counting down. Monday, though, Grant has already talked about a meeting in the morning, and Ananda and Aaron have dance classes Monday night. Jake wants to go down to Anne's Beach...so...?
My head is going to explode. I have to stop and pray and relax and read, or something. "Let it be".
