altarflame (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
altarflame) wrote2009-08-10 10:19 am
altarflame) wrote2009-08-10 10:19 am
Entry tags:
Yep, still crazy.
I've been all happy because I can sleep at night, and I can do a lot of self-motivated stuff during the day, and I feel at peace most of the time. Like my time in therapy and my months of emdr really, really helped me a lot, though there is still of course something there. I'm "channeling all my birth angst into positive change in the world" through my book writing and advocacy work. Yesterday affirmed for me, though, that I have not just some issues but an entire subscription.
*sigh*
BirthGirlz hosted this event called "Embracing the Miracle", which was supposed to be about "How Prenatal Choices Effect Who Your Child Can Become", led by a woman I hadn't heard of who comes with a certain amount of acclaim. I was like, alright, whatever, she's a noted author who's done world tours, Nancy likes her, I figured it would be a little new-agey but I do believe in bonding with your baby in utero and getting researched and junk, which is what I thought this was about. I was volunteered to make a lot of food for the event and that ended up being really satisfying. We had 30-35 confirmed guests, and I made 60 each of stuffed mushrooms, tiny fruit tarts, and little savory tarts. Let me digress for a moment because this is enjoyable: the fruit tarts were little phyllo shells brushed inside with boiled-thin apricot preserves, filled with a mixture of whipped cream, cream cheese and sugar, and topped with sliced kiwi and strawberry slivers. The savory tarts were the same phyllo shells, but the filling was onions and walnuts diced small and sauteed up in a lot of butter, then mixed with cream cheese and bacon crumbles, and I topped each of those with these fresh microgreens we got - pea shoots. They looked freaking fabulous and everybody loved it all, though I think one particular chick ate like 15 of the mushrooms which is totally cheating ;) They were stuffed with tons of onion and garlic sauteed in olive oil, lots of diced red and yellow bell pepper, tiny-diced tomatoes, seasoned breadcrumbs and cheddar cheese (I knew there would be a lot of vegetarians there). And Kristin and Michelle had brought fresh artichoke dip and HOMEMADE CRACKERS and baked bree hot and oozing out of itself and Michelle's daughters baked chocolate chip cookies and brownies and cinnamon rolls and things, everything spelt flour and raw turbinado sugar and anyway, the point is the food was the good part for sure.
I was unprepared for the actual content, which was all based upon the intro topic; "It's not birth to three that really matters, it's birth and the first hour of life". Then we got to build on that for 2 hours, with everything from contrasting slides between the warm glowy home brith pool to dramatic black and white stills of screaming babies alone on cold metal hospital scales with their umbilical cords cut too soon, to real stats and pics of how Japaense researchers have seen on brain scans that babies born by c-section actually have a hole in their neocortex. She talked about how long initial separations like Aaron had can actually cause sensory issues and how premature c-section with NICU stays, like Isaacs, can cause nightmares and high needs babies. She discussed the half life of the drugs you get during a cesarean in your newborn and how they stunt growth of the neural network and how babies turn face up as they come out, this amazing spiral, because women pull their babies up to face them with the cord still connecting. The synaptic explosion that happens when eye contact occurs in that instant. How the endorphin, oxytocin and prolactin bursts just after birth are the chemical high of a woman's entire life, and lay the foundation for the mother-child relationship.
I am not saying the half of it and I'm not GOING to, but I have rarely managed that level of dissociation. Really. I was talking and laughing with my sister or Kristin the whoooole time, and by the time it was time to go I realized my reflection was confusing me and making me mad, when I saw it in the bathroom, and that I already had blank spots I couldn't remember. I got home and tried to go right to sleep (before dinner, before nighttime, me who never sleeps) and was angry when I had to get up. I was totally out of sorts.
Grant got the kids in bed. Then he brought me my crocheting stuff and sat me on the floor between his legs (him on the couch), rubbed my shoulders and asked me questions until I had cried for a freaking hour and described all this crap to him. Then we layed together and made love and then we sat around at the computer laughing at things for awhile and then he pulled out all the him-uncomfortable-but-me-in-his-arms stops to get me to be able to sleep after I got all hysterical again about having to go back into surgery, and how my diastasis and hernia are totally worse the last week, and blah blah blah.
I woke up feeling a lot better. He is pretty amazing.
Some of the stuff the woman was saying was laughable hooey, for instance she referenced crystal babies and indigo children, and gave us a live demonstration of what orgasmic birth would sound like. <- Not kidding. She also had many annoying turns of phrase, such as calling herself a "coyote midwife" because she "sits by the hole and waits", and acting as though she tricked us all after we raised our hands to show who breastfed their babies because NO! We did not breastfeed, our BABIES breastfed! So that sort of woo helped me to disregard and tune out to some degree.
But a lot of what she said is real truth I see manifested in my kids as individuals, that Grant and I have talked about before, at length, and/or is proven whether I like it or not, and much of it is shit I take totally on myself as a burden of guilt.
I really do believe in "reparative work" after bad beginnings, and I think I've done amazingly with that and that is part of why my kids are so great as they are.
Still and all, listening to someone talk about human potential vs damaged goods for an entire afternoon had me wanting to punch her in the face.
*sigh*
BirthGirlz hosted this event called "Embracing the Miracle", which was supposed to be about "How Prenatal Choices Effect Who Your Child Can Become", led by a woman I hadn't heard of who comes with a certain amount of acclaim. I was like, alright, whatever, she's a noted author who's done world tours, Nancy likes her, I figured it would be a little new-agey but I do believe in bonding with your baby in utero and getting researched and junk, which is what I thought this was about. I was volunteered to make a lot of food for the event and that ended up being really satisfying. We had 30-35 confirmed guests, and I made 60 each of stuffed mushrooms, tiny fruit tarts, and little savory tarts. Let me digress for a moment because this is enjoyable: the fruit tarts were little phyllo shells brushed inside with boiled-thin apricot preserves, filled with a mixture of whipped cream, cream cheese and sugar, and topped with sliced kiwi and strawberry slivers. The savory tarts were the same phyllo shells, but the filling was onions and walnuts diced small and sauteed up in a lot of butter, then mixed with cream cheese and bacon crumbles, and I topped each of those with these fresh microgreens we got - pea shoots. They looked freaking fabulous and everybody loved it all, though I think one particular chick ate like 15 of the mushrooms which is totally cheating ;) They were stuffed with tons of onion and garlic sauteed in olive oil, lots of diced red and yellow bell pepper, tiny-diced tomatoes, seasoned breadcrumbs and cheddar cheese (I knew there would be a lot of vegetarians there). And Kristin and Michelle had brought fresh artichoke dip and HOMEMADE CRACKERS and baked bree hot and oozing out of itself and Michelle's daughters baked chocolate chip cookies and brownies and cinnamon rolls and things, everything spelt flour and raw turbinado sugar and anyway, the point is the food was the good part for sure.
I was unprepared for the actual content, which was all based upon the intro topic; "It's not birth to three that really matters, it's birth and the first hour of life". Then we got to build on that for 2 hours, with everything from contrasting slides between the warm glowy home brith pool to dramatic black and white stills of screaming babies alone on cold metal hospital scales with their umbilical cords cut too soon, to real stats and pics of how Japaense researchers have seen on brain scans that babies born by c-section actually have a hole in their neocortex. She talked about how long initial separations like Aaron had can actually cause sensory issues and how premature c-section with NICU stays, like Isaacs, can cause nightmares and high needs babies. She discussed the half life of the drugs you get during a cesarean in your newborn and how they stunt growth of the neural network and how babies turn face up as they come out, this amazing spiral, because women pull their babies up to face them with the cord still connecting. The synaptic explosion that happens when eye contact occurs in that instant. How the endorphin, oxytocin and prolactin bursts just after birth are the chemical high of a woman's entire life, and lay the foundation for the mother-child relationship.
I am not saying the half of it and I'm not GOING to, but I have rarely managed that level of dissociation. Really. I was talking and laughing with my sister or Kristin the whoooole time, and by the time it was time to go I realized my reflection was confusing me and making me mad, when I saw it in the bathroom, and that I already had blank spots I couldn't remember. I got home and tried to go right to sleep (before dinner, before nighttime, me who never sleeps) and was angry when I had to get up. I was totally out of sorts.
Grant got the kids in bed. Then he brought me my crocheting stuff and sat me on the floor between his legs (him on the couch), rubbed my shoulders and asked me questions until I had cried for a freaking hour and described all this crap to him. Then we layed together and made love and then we sat around at the computer laughing at things for awhile and then he pulled out all the him-uncomfortable-but-me-in-his-arms stops to get me to be able to sleep after I got all hysterical again about having to go back into surgery, and how my diastasis and hernia are totally worse the last week, and blah blah blah.
I woke up feeling a lot better. He is pretty amazing.
Some of the stuff the woman was saying was laughable hooey, for instance she referenced crystal babies and indigo children, and gave us a live demonstration of what orgasmic birth would sound like. <- Not kidding. She also had many annoying turns of phrase, such as calling herself a "coyote midwife" because she "sits by the hole and waits", and acting as though she tricked us all after we raised our hands to show who breastfed their babies because NO! We did not breastfeed, our BABIES breastfed! So that sort of woo helped me to disregard and tune out to some degree.
But a lot of what she said is real truth I see manifested in my kids as individuals, that Grant and I have talked about before, at length, and/or is proven whether I like it or not, and much of it is shit I take totally on myself as a burden of guilt.
I really do believe in "reparative work" after bad beginnings, and I think I've done amazingly with that and that is part of why my kids are so great as they are.
Still and all, listening to someone talk about human potential vs damaged goods for an entire afternoon had me wanting to punch her in the face.
no subject
This particular event was definitely a rousing round of preaching to the choir. Women who have scheduled home births and a lot of homebirth doulas sitting around nodding sagely. And a few of us who have done it wrong sitting around with a big fake smile.
This comment really resonates with me, did I mention that?
This speaker I just listened to has supposedly spoken to large groups of doctors before (like 200 in Japan with a translator at one point), and I can imagine THAT being helpful.
I actually just spent a huge long time talking with my sister about how change has to come from the upper levels; educating individual women has value in those individual womens' lives, SOMETIMES, but overall it is about changing policies because people DON'T GET IMMERSED IN THIS CRAP UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE. Generally speaking, you don't read books about birth choices until you're already a couple of months pregnant with your first baby, if not later. And that is way too late for a radical paradigm shift to really take hold of you. THe problem is that when well meaning, excited new moms find out their pregnant, everything about our society immediately guides them in the wrong direction...and yes, everything you said about trying to approach birth as a battleground while IN LABOR WITH A BABY is definitely true.
Pushing for a midwifery and birth center model of care is also important, I think, as well as normalizing homebirth in uncomplicated situations... the numbers really are there for those things.
no subject
I agree that if she gave that presentation to OB's, then that would be getting somewhere. However, if she told them about "indigo" children and some of her other woo stuff, then I am afraid that everything she said was likely discounted - as it should be, wow.
I fail to see the value in presenting this to people who are not planning to have a c-section, and to providers who can't even perform them? To me, I think this puts the responsibility solely on the mothers. And that means if they have a less then ideal birth, then that "failure" is solely theirs as well. This is totally unfair, because the mother often has very little control or choice over the matter once she enters the system. When I've told women before that I was being forced procedures I did not want, they said that if that happened to them they would kick their OB. So, the prevailing attitude is that the woman is completely responsible if her birth goes in the "wrong" direction. I just can't accept this, because I know that I had no control over how my birth went. I chose the "right" hospital, the "right" type of provider, a doula, and was "educated", and I went in fighting, and they fought back and I have the PTSD to prove it. We can't change the system by sending women in to fight while they are giving birth.
And yes, I agree that pushing for out of hospital birth options is very important. Then educating women about these options would be very useful, if they actually had an option like this to choose where they could have a natural birth in peace. I think you are right about not being able to make a paradigm shift while pregnant. Women need to learn about out of hospital birth before that occurs. If CPM's were covered by insurance and legal in all 50 states, and awareness was raised, that would go a long way. Women need to know that choosing a hospital birth is going to limit her options for natural birth, and there is no way around that unless you choose a different setting. Do you know about the big push for midwives campaign, or the mama campaign? They are two organizations pushing for a CPM option in health care reform.
Also, I am a big fan of CIMS, and I work with The Birth Survey project, which is trying to bring transparency to maternity care. I also work with Solace for Mothers: Healing After Traumatic Childbirth (solaceformothers.org) and we are directing a lot of our attention towards advocating for current informed consent laws to be upheld in maternity care. This is something that needs to be addressed with all providers, even home birth midwives. If women had true informed consent, more would choose natural or alternative options, and more would feel in control of their own experience thus reducing trauma.
Ugh, sorry I wrote so much! This is obviously a topic I have a lot to say about.
no subject
We can't change the system by sending women in to fight while they are giving birth.
This really makes sense to me. As I keep telling people, my main reason for wanting a homebirth is that, while I am usually pretty comfortable advocating for myself, I don't want to have to try to do it while I'm in labor.
no subject
And yeah, I thought I could advocate for myself too, but, not in a system that will just hold you down and force you to comply against your screams of protest... I just had no idea that they could legally force me to do anything, so I thought I simply had to say "no" to what I didn't want. And I was right, it wasn't legal, but I didn't know that they would do it anyway. I wish someone would have educated me about that.