Random Things, including random lists

[altarflame]

I watched CNN with Ananda and Aaron for about 15 minutes last night. Ananda and I had talked previously enough that she already knew that the first African American man ever and the first woman ever were in the running to be a nominee for the next President. I explained it to Aaron, last night, as I explained that Obama won the nomination. They seemed really interested in the whole "that's Hilary's husband, who used to be the president, and that's her daughter" aspect, and "that's Obama's wife", and all that. Surely because of the local demographics that play into their lives, they like Obama and Hilary way more on sight than McCain, who's significantly older than any of their grandparents. It's REALLY, REALLY difficult to start an answer to a question like, "Why hasn't a woman ever ran before?" or "Why would he be the first black man?" Annie's been raised all along to think she can be an astronaut or a Marine Biologist or anything, with Sue Snue in that Dr Seuss book contemplating being the President one day, she had no idea there was any question of "Equal rights". Likewise, their good friends two doors down are "mixed", with a black dad and a Puerto Rican mom, and there are black people in PATH and LLL and at the bookstore, and they're just other people. It really sucks to have to explain to children who'd have no idea otherwise what bigotry and racism are, and all that. I mean we've talked about slavery and Martin Luther King Day, but I think that seemed like a story to them that couldn't possibly have anything to do with real life.

Ananda: It's SO WEIRD that it's always been a really old white man in charge of America. It's about time there was a change!

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I felt really oddly...privileged...this afternoon. I'd been rushing around getting all the kids ready and their shoes found and a bag of snacks, diapers, sling, this and that packed for them, so I could go drop them off with Grant at the new house and go to the ENT. At the last minute I realized I was still in wild print pajama pants and a tank top that shows half my bra, smelling questionable O_o So I got my faja/support garment/whatever on, and threw on this dress I bought a long while ago at Target but never got the chance to wear, did deodorant and body spray, and grabbed a necklace and bracelet before my purse. Bemoaning the clutter, I got the door locked and everyone strapped in their seats, only to arrive at the new house...

Where there were AC guys, electricians, a plumber and a Lowe's delivery man. Basically the brand new Prius was sitting there surrounded on all sides by work trucks of various sorts, and Grant telling many many different guys where things were and what we wanted done in this house we own. I've just never been in any situation even remotely like that, you know, and pulling up in the brand new van, where I push buttons to make the side doors open and then step out "dressed up" to see all these guys averting their eyes and going about their work like I'm the woman of the house...I don't know, it's just weird. I still feel very "rented apartment", very "broken down on the side of the road", if that makes any sense :p

So while I sat for far too long waiting to see the ENT, I contemplated what I was wearing, and was kind of freaked out.
-leather flip flops, DSW in Boston, $25
-Special weird full torso support garment, $150 (this is why I own only two even though I have to wear it all day every day)
-Motherhood nursing bra, $30
-black Target wrap dress, $30
-1928 bracelet, $40
-1928 necklace, $25
-Marc Ecko Purse, $79 (all three of these last things were MAJOR splurges for me when we got the settlement...)
-$100 engagement ring - simple ruby teardrop in silver that I love
-$180 white gold wedding band with inner engraving

So I was actually sitting there WEARING $659. For reference, there was a time when I showed up at Youth Group in a dress I found in a parking lot that I sewed up at home, with a purse my great grandmother had sent me that she found in a Goodwill, and I really thought I looked cooler than anybody ever had.

There isn't any point here, I just think sometimes about how very American I am, and my standards are, and all that.

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My husband is wonderful. He's willing to reassure me a dozen times a day that he thinks I really do have reason to be freaking out or upset, or think I have ptsd, and is totally wholeheartedly supportive (and encouraging, even) of counseling, and called me "the cornerstone of our family" tonight while trying to convince me that it IS worthwhile for me to be taking so much time for myself (I'm trying to write, to get my ears fixed, need to see the chiro regularly again, am setting up therapy...) He cleaned the new house like mad today, it's been a total disaster of packaging, cleaning supplies, bags of all sorts, old appliances and new appliances every-which-way, tools all over the counters and cords on the floors...I went in there today and there was - FLOORSPACE. And COUNTERSPACE. Clear expanses! I felt like I could breathe. It actually made me dance a little. And he doesn't care all that much whether it's clean while it's a work zone, he just did it for me...even though he is the one hauling all these heavy things and using all these tools and so on. He tells me I'm beautiful just because he thinks it when he looks at me. He takes care of rat traps because we think there might be rats over there, and he even spent the extra to get the "live trap" so we can set the rat free somewhere, so the kids will feel good about it. He's losing weight and being healthy eating better and it's inspiring me and making me feel like I can do it, too. He's working 12 hour shifts 3 or 4 days per week in a row for our family. He's got eyes like the ocean in the Keys, all full of deep spots and sandbars. *sigh of giddiness*

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I am something of a compulsive eater...and things like thinking about traumatic events I've been avoiding definitely send me straight to the fridge. Actually for the past few weeks as this has been getting worse, pretty much the only time I go 15 minutes without eating is if I leave the house, and then I still think about food too much. I was thinking about trying to come up with comprehensive lists of everything I actually eat in a given day, to see if it's really as bad as I sometimes think, or if it's actually far worse, or what. I AM tandem nursing, which is supposed to require I think 1000 extra calories a day? Maybe it's less for people who are overweight, though, I'm not sure. I also have nutrient deficiencies sometimes that lead me to cravings, and/or compensate for lack of sleep by eating. Anyway, yeah, all food all the time!

everything I've eaten today:

-handfull of cashews
-a Dannon fruit on the bottom peach yogurt
-turkey bacon and tomato sandwich on whole wheat
-probably about 25 green spanish olives, fished out of the jar 1-3 at a time, over the course of the day
-2 bites of leftover spanish rice, straight from the container
-10-ish strawberries and a dozen-ish pecan halves, as a snack together
-1/2 a bowl of veggie pasta, brocoli, carrots, parmesean and chicken stuff that my sister made and brought us
-about 3 handfuls of veggie crisps
-1 bite of a banana
-1/2 of an Odwalla chocolate banana protein shake
-1/2 of an Odwalla GoMega smoothie
-3 pieces of grilled chicken from Pollo Tropical, with barbecue sauce
-about 6 "Nature's Own" non-refined sugar non-white flour chocolate chip cookies
-3 triscuit crackers
-1/2 of a Kashi whole grain oatmeal raisin cookie

If anyone is really bored, feel free to configure an amount of calories from that ;) You can probably see what I mean, though, how it's hard to know if I'm actually doing really bad or really good. I mean I mostly eat very WELL, even if it is a lot, at least, but also because there is so much "grazing" I have a difficult time establishing whether or not it really adds up to more than 3 regular meals and a couple of snacks per day or not. The thing is, I tend to graze that much even on days where we have 3 very structured sit-down meals, as well :x

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I am kind of frightened of what next school year might turn out to be for us. I have really high aspirations, as per usual, for my kids, and...I don't know, man, it could just get really intense really fast what with there being five of them.

Entirely possible if someone doesn't slap me:

Monday Grant off
Isaac's preschool, A & A homeschool, 8-12

Tuesday Grant off
Isaac's preschool, A & A homeschool, 8-12
PATH (that I'm leading a group of again) from 1-3
Ananda's soccer practice in the evening

Wednesday Grant off/on, alternating weeks
Isaac's preschool, A & A homeschool, 8-12
PATH drama club from 3-5
AWANA from 6:45-8:15

Thursday Grant working
Isaac's preschool, A & A homeschool, 8-12
PATH's Evelyn Greer Park meeting if we want to go, in the afternoon
Ananda's soccer practice in the evening

Friday Grant working
Isaac's preschool, A & A homeschool, 8-12
Periodic soccer games, otherwise game night at the bookstore, in the evening

Saturday Grant working
Ananda's ballet class

Sunday Grant off
Church, 10/11-ish depending where whichever of us go

Plus Aaron in baseball practice some evenings I don't know yet with games some evenings I don't know yet, and possibly music lessons for them? I mean...what?

Grant can do some things, like take them to the other PATH meeting, or the PATH drama club, or cart people to sports practices, when he's home. And I'm hoping to make friends with a mom or two in some activities such that we can arrange some carpooling. My sister is more open to babysitting than she used to be, and the in-laws are fine with driving someone somewhere or sitting with the older 4 for an afternoon, here or there. I think we could fall into some sort of routine that still left us sane, but I also think there will be an adjustment period...but I mean, Ananda and Aaron are going to be in 3rd and 2nd grade next year...they need things to do. And Isaac is being shortchanged, spending entirely too much time while I school the older ones AND while I get the younger ones down for naps, vegged out in front of PBS kids or playing on the computer.

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I think about Isaac being kind of "outcast" a lot lately. I don't want him to be. Everyday I feel sad for him and try to think of ways to make him feel less "apart" from the rest of us. The other day we went to the park as a family to eat pizza we'd just picked up, and afterwards everyone wanted to play. Ananda and Aaron ran off to run laps, because they're dorks like that, and Jake and Elise ran off to horseplay in the grass and play peekaboo around the columns. Isaac stayed sitting at the table, asking us to push him on a swing or watch him on a slide. This is a common theme, you could change the setting and variables and the people would stay paired off that way almost no matter what.

He's got a close girl-boy pair above him, and another one below him, and no "partner".

He's in a family of dark haired, dark eyed, tanning or olive skinned people, with orangey blondish hair, pale, freckly and blue eyed.

He's one of three boys, and the other two are RIDICULOUSLY "all boy" tough, roughhousing, jumping up from injuries without a peep, seemingly instinctively loving trucks, baseball, skateboards, etc, while Isaac wears Annie's old dresses, asks us for lockets and rings, and cries about everything all day long.

Elise's birthday is May 1, then Annie's is June 1, and Aaron's is June 27. Grant, Jake and I are October 7, 11 and 24th. ...Isaac's birthday is February 20. Which seems significant in a calendar-year way, since we have a couple of birthdaypaloozas and then his is off on it's own, and also astrologically, as far as like-minded people, although I know that's not something everyone will take seriously.

Astrology or not, there is no doubt that we are very abnormally easy-going as a lot, while he seems to suffer from a really extreme anxiety disorder. He's the high needs, ultra-intense, overstimulated, "spirited" kid, within a family of people that "hang out" all the time. It's so much more "sore thumb" since it's mixed in with babies who slept from the night from week 1, toddlers who listened and were affectionate, kids in general who are not any trouble to take out places.

In a family with 5 kids, he is the only one who makes it hard to go out places or do things. We've actually begun to contemplate whether we should leave him with Grant's mom to go out and do things together without him sometimes, just because he's consistently miserable, making scenes and ruining it for everyone, whereas he has a lot of fun with Oma and then we're all happy to regroup after a good outing sans Isaac. It's HORRIBLE, but it's reality.

I was so afraid, when he was going into surgery last month. So afraid. I was praying and crying and just, scared to death. And since then everytime he's napping through dinner so we have peace and decent conversation at the table instead of nonstop whining and chatter, everytime we realize he's off doing something for a minute with Opa in the back and THAT's why Grant's been able to play with the other four for a minute with no yelling or fighting...I think of how, if anything ever happened to Isaac, it would be such a hard thing to DEAL WITH as a parent, even beyond the normal impossible to deal with of losing any child. Everything would be simpler, without him. Everything would be more convenient, there would be so much less everyday stress. And there would be this huge, horrible hole where my sweet adorable little imp was, and neither of us would ever be able to enjoy the convenience or the simplicity because we'd be smothering in the horrible, grief-stricken guilt of knowing it was easier without him. The peace and quiet would be some echoing thing where racket and wailing SHOULD be. Ugh.

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Elise is incredible. She says new words all the time now, she's at that mimicking phase where sometimes she just parrots back what she just heard and floors us all. She's just really communicative in general, so much body language too - like bringing me her shoes and then sitting down and putting a foot up, or starting to hand me something and then yanking it back with a giggle, over and over. The nodding and shaking her head no are used more consistently and clearly, too, and course there are her signs, and lifting her arms to people... all the words she says:
mama
dada/daddy
annie
aaron
isaac
jake/akey
hi
bye
water/agua (Brian calls his cup agua, so she does too, but all other water is wawa)
poop
pee
pineapple (pie-puh)
strawberry (wah-bee)
olive
apple
milk
mess
boobie
phone

She can string together "hi" and a name, but not very clearly - like a breathy "hah-ah-ee" for Hi Annie. She's 13 1/2 months old now, her hair is almost long enough to really do something funny with, and my new neurosis is thinking, "What if she starts to regress at 18 months like is typical with autism?" I can basically ignore that little voice on the premise that it's pointless.