Everyone has fear, no matter what.
Right as I started pushing with Xan I was OVERWHELMED with fear. I'm not even sure of what, exactly. My fear wasn't my own death, but his. Not from anything specific, just that upon leaving my body he'd either be dead or die. When I broke down the fears and really thought about them I couldn't point it to any 'cause' like prolapse or some sort of heart condition. Just that he'd -- boom -- be dead. That's all.
When I started pushing I freaked and almost screamed out to call the paramedics. I just wanted hands to hold and someone to take the blame if the baby came out dead, or rather to tell me that I was doing okay. I have a huge amount of guilt for so many reasons and that's where the majority of my fear came from. Once he crowned, it went away. It was like "this is happening now, and it's okay" - it was going on without me, without me even trying, so it didn't matter if I was scared because it's just going to happen and that's okay.

I think you might find the same thing happening to you. This goes... no matter if you're scared or not - because this is how life works. You're going to go into labour, have a labour full of support and knowledge and care, and then have a baby. All of this regardless of your fears.

I'm thinking a lot about you, and your birth. Don't forget your necklace.