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I had this epiphany about Isaac.

Not how to make him buck up and deal with life more easily; that still alludes me. I've increased his water intake and started him on daily probiotics and that seems to be easing his tummy problems SLIGHTLY. He'll be going to the doctor in a couple of weeks to brainstorm some more about what might be bothering him.

But regardless of him throwing crying fits about everything all day long, we've had a very good RELATIONSHIP, the two of us, for the past couple of months, despite his whining, and fussing, and general impossibility. I feel really close to him for the first time in quite a long time, perhaps even more than ever. There is an easy, sweet affection between us, that is SUPPOSED to be there between a mother and a 5 year old son, that was not there for awhile. And it's absence really bothered me, a lot. I have had more real life guilt-ridden conversations about my resentment of and irritation with Isaac than I can count. But lately it is not that way at all. Being consistently good to him comes easily, rather than being forced.

The epiphany is: this is because all the other kids are older.

Aaron is too old for him to torment and torture now. He has a room with a door he can close, he's allowed out front without adults and Isaac is not, he is smarter and bigger and Isaac just can't manipulate his SID-ness and reduce him to tears anymore. This is huge. I can only see Aaron curled in a ball in the corner while someone screams and laughs that the screaming has that effect so many times.

Jake is as big as Isaac is, articulate, and far tougher. The days of Isaac leaping on him and making him puke, pulling him off the top bunk and then sing-songing to me that Jake is hurt with glee, or scaling counters to find pills to feed him, are way over.

ELISE even pins Isaac down and pulls his hair now, if he takes something from her. He's a little faster than her but she is fully capable of besting him if she can catch him, and if she can't, she is right there at my feet screaming "I-ACK!!" and pointing in his direction.

So, for some time I have not felt as a mother that I have to protect any of my other kids from him. That was the wedge between us - the absence of natural affection, the forcing of consistent goodness - it is very difficult to witness one of your kids being so intentionally sadistic and purposely harmful to your other kids, to worry and to feel you have to protect them from him. It made for quite a lot of resentment. I didn't ever know how to reconcile loving Isaac as my child with all of that. It was always Complex with a capital C.

But it's not really an issue anymore! I can't tell if Isaac has outgrown some of his mean streak (it seems that way) or hides it better (this seems to also be the case to some degree, he's VERY smart) or just doesn't have victims available (this freaks me out). But in this way it is a blessing that he is the whinier one who hates physical activity and is a little small for his age. Because it frees him from being able to really hurt any of his rough and tumble adaptable siblings. And so it frees me to stop seeing him as a threat.

*sigh*

Oh, my Isaac. It has never been simple with you.

I was telling Dama the other day...mommydama...that Isaac has by far the most deeply personal, developed relationship with God of any of my kids, and that I think it's because he is the one who needs the most help. We laughed and laughed about this, but I really believe it is true. Isaac has always had very troubled sleep, lots of nightmares, and woken up unhappy. Cosleeping, in the car, drifting off on a booby, whatever...he has a lot of fears of things like goblins under his bed that just don't occur to my other kids at all. And I empathize with this deeply because I was a kid with a lot of nightmares, too - I try to discern when he is really in an unhelpable state of genuine terror so I can let him sleep in the little bed in our room, and just look under his bed and pray with him the rest of the time...the point is that Isaac does a LOT of praying in his own bed on his own time, because of these fears. He even told me he sometimes "hugs God", at night, and demonstrated to me how that looks.

He's been coming with me to 8:00 AM Mass before City Church, even though he is NOT A MORNING PERSON BY ANY STRETH OF THE IMAGINATION. And I do not in any way shape or form make him come. Grant came home from a solo trip with him to the store and told me Isaac had told him that he wanted to use his quarter for a treat from the quarter machines at the store, but instead he thought he would save it for putting in these electric candle things they have at Sacred Heart. Basically you put in a quarter and push in a button and a tiny flickering lightbulb that looks like a flame turns on in one of many votives. The money goes to some charity I can't recall. Grant asked him if he likes Mass, and Isaac immediately said, "NO! It's sooo BORING." Grant asked why he goes and he said, "Well, I really love God, and I want to learn more about Him." This kind of thing is incredible to me. It gives me hope that maybe his general all-day misery can lead him to a reliance on Grace that gives him great faith, or something. And hopefully the faith could give him peace, if not (or even also, eventually) joy. Rather than the misery just making him, you know...miserable.

I have a lot of fears about him being a completely miserable adult. I also have fears about him being a psychopath, like a really sociopathic torture people in the basement guy. But those are latent, small worst case scenario fears that, in general, I don't think he will fulfill.

My worst case fears for each of my kids go something like...

Ananda - that she will never be able to be intimate or have successful relationships on any level, and will gradually become more and more cynical and remote
Aaron - that he will be walked on and hurt terribly, possibly even scarred and left jaded and despairing because of his curious mixture of naivety and empathy
Isaac - previously stated
Jake - that he will be one of those Fatal Attraction types, or just a violently passionate person in general
Elise - that we will lose all of her progress and she will somehow revert to behaving and showing symptoms of catastrophic brain damage and previous HIE

Those are all pretty dire and hopefully unlikely, so hopefully my worst fears about Isaac don't really mean much.

He's actually starting to develop a really good relationship with Jake, which makes me REALLY happy, because I SO WANTED him to have a little "partner" in Jake, when Jake was born...like how Ananda and Aaron have each other. But Isaac didn't really seem to care that Jake existed for over a year, and then mostly only tormented or hurt him :/ Now, though, they play a LOT of games and sit and read books sometimes and for the last couple of nights, he's even been going to sleep in Jake's bed with him, which is great because it keeps him from feeling scared of things. The other afternoon Jake gave him directions of what to draw, and Isaac drew whatever he asked for, for almost an hour. Jake is a really direct, opinionated little guy who doesn't take any crap so it's well balanced with Isaac being the older one...

Curious thing: Isaac has always been EXTREMELY GOOD with Brian, my ultra high needs 2.5 year old nephew. Like, crazy good, he understands what Brian needs, he enjoys helping him with things, he's never shown him any ill will and just consistently is HAPPY around him because he has the purpose of helping Brian be happy. It's almost as though he is recognizing a kindred spirit, because really, all these siblings who have such an easy time with life just don't get it :p

Major problem area lately with him: Dinner. The kid is never happy with what is for dinner. EVERYONE ELSE EATS and he is unhappy and left crying at the table when others are done, every night. And I do not cook things people don't like. I present him with food he's eaten before. I'm not a short order cook, but I am willing to pick the mushrooms out of his or pull Annie's out before I add the chicken or only give salad to those who like it, that kind of stuff. It's ok with me if he leaves one of three courses on his plate, even, provided he's getting nutrition. But it's never enough with him. I think he's probably ended up going to bed hungry 4 times in the past week. He hates the whole CONCEPT, like if I say, "Dinner's almost ready" he literally drops to the floor in agony saying "DINNER! I don't like dinner, I want something else!" With no idea what dinner even is. I always am willing to let people opt out and have a pbj if it's that freaking bad, which it very rarely is, but you have to eat the actual dinner if you want any sort of little goody afterward. Isaac is sweets-obsessed, so rather than having a pbj he will cry at the dining table until I send him to his room because I can't stand the sound anymore and have reasoned with him until I'm just repeating myself.

Anyway. This is where we are. He will play computer games or listen to books read aloud for HOURS, quietly and with full attention. Same with movies or shows. He loves puzzles and likes coloring and drawing. He really likes carbs. He acts like we gave him crack if he gets anything with blue food coloring in it. He acts like I'm killing him if I suggest playing outside or we go for a walk. He still begs to sit in the stroller that the younger two rarely get in anymore. He comes to me with spontaneous affection and gifts of flowers several times a day, and I welcome him and thank him profusely. And he cries a lot, sometime suddenly, often about things we don't even realize what they are for a few seconds, though he is becoming able to reign it back in fairly quickly. Comparatively.

(no subject)

Yesterday Ananda and I loaded up on sunblock, chugged a couple of glasses of water each, and rode our bikes to Aunt Laura's house to exchange dark chocolate (packed in ice) for HP and the Chamber of Secrets. Annie finished the first one and #2 is the only one we don't have here in the house. Anyway, she called Aunt Laura up first to seal this deal and then we went. It is her first bike ride involving a shoulder on a road with no sidewalk, or walking the bike for crossing major streets. It was about 6.5 miles roundtrip. We stopped halfway there, and halfway back, just to get sips of water and pour water on our heads before continuing. We also spent about 15 minutes at my sister's house before turning around, during which time she fed us whole fruit popsicles and frozen mango chunks. Because hello, weather.com was saying "93, feels like 102".

It was really good. There were quiet neighborhood streets we could ride next to each other and talk, as well as plenty of times we had to be single file in louder areas with me turning to check on her every 30 seconds or so. This is not something I could do with Aaron by any stretch of the imagination because his SID makes traffic safety sort of impossible. We take long rides, but sticking with the quiet neighborhood streets where I can yell things to him and staying on sidewalks as much as possible.

I took one of those neighborhood long rides with the two of them the day before, with Elise on the back of my bike. It's getting easier and easier to take really long rides, even with her or Jake on mine.

Sooner or later my metabolism has to take the hint.

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There are so many school-type lessons I am psyched about. We've been laying kids down on this big newsprint we have a giant roll of, one at a time, tracing them, and having all of them color them in - hair, clothes, everything. Then we cut them out and put them in the hallway. Two are up so far, one is ready for trimming and hanging, and we'll do Annie and Aaron later.

I got SUGAR CUBES for our afternoon tea. Raw demerara (sp) sugar cubes. Coolest thing ever.

They're all into bees, bees dissapearing, Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD). There are a lot of documentaries about this available online.

We'll be heading up to Barnes and Noble soon to trade one of Annie's forms in for a free book, through their summer reading program. Aaron is getting there, too, I think he has almost a whole form filled out. She's working on her second one.

And I got wooden letter blocks last night to start using with Elise. We had a ton of these before that have gradually dissapeared. None of them really moved with us. I think she needs it. We've also downloaded extensive episodes of Sesame Street to turn on for the little kids whenever they are watching TV. I think these sorts of supplemental everyday things were pivotal in Ananda and Aaron learning to read and need to be here for the new crop of preschoolers, too...

I like it.

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We are loving this new organic co-op we're a part of. It's AnniesBuyingClub.com for anyone who is interested and they are all over Florida, as well as expanding.

We picked up a huge box of stuff yesterday, and then Grant went out to meet with a new client who runs a farm that provides raised garden beds to people, as well as selling their own harvests to the public. She sent him home with many clear plastic containers of micro greens and a huge plastic bag of longans that the kids have been devouring.

Today Shaun and Ian, who work for the University of Florida's local agriculture extension, brought over part of a huge jack fruit for Grant.

I think we're gradually approaching the point where we don't shop at grocery stores anymore.

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I have a feeling I am about to become drastically more involved with birth advocacy. This is good, because it provides social outlets and generally makes me happy. One of my friends who was helping to lead the non-profit I'm involved with is going through some personal stuff and isn't really in a position to keep up her end of it, for awhile at least.

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And Grant is reading Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic now, which makes me really happy - he doesn't exactly have free time for reading right now between his main job, his side clients, US, and trying to keep up with the yards during rainy season. But he's doing it and I am really grateful. No matter how good I feel about Catholicism, I don't feel at all good about dragging the whole family into it behind me based solely on my own research and discernment.

I actually don't think it would be right to do that, even if Catholicism was obviously right for us. So yeah. I am glad he seems to be moving in the same direction I am and am eager to hear more of his thoughts. It's really priceless to me that he is strong enough and respectful and trustworthy enough that I feel like I have a man who can actually lead the family - that's not something I was exposed to at all growing up, my mom was in charge of all budgeting, all discipline, all moves and final says on everything, because she seems drawn to very weak, wishy washy sorts of guys who don't have anything remotely resembling work ethic or standards - and/or are jerks who will be abusive if allowed to be. I'm grateful every day to have a man I'm comfortable with as a real head of the household because he's considerate enough and loving and intelligent enough for me to feel completely safe stepping back from some decisions and control. I am definitely someone who would naturally make all decisions and hold all control. It's almost a rush for me to be submissive on any level.

Anyway the point is just that I don't want to jeopardize that dynamic. So we shall see what he has to say about the theology and history I've been reading, and what he thinks it means for us, and go from there.