Silly me...
Apr. 28th, 2006 12:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI love Grant so much. It's sick. It's insane.
I LOVE GRANT SO MUCH!
Anyway, yeah :p
I lay there with him at night and feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. Even when there's a baby next to me and a toddler on top of him, or we're both so tired we're delerious. I grin like a fool and he spots me and we laugh.
A couple mornings ago, we hadn't gotten much sleep. Jake was really fussy all night for whatever reason. Wouldn't nurse, didn't need to be changed, just apparently wanted to wake up every 15-20 minutes and fuss for a minute or so and then go back to sleep without explanation, all night long. We were both really crabby and irritable when Isaac woke up earlier than normal and we realized that was it for sleeping. Grant brought me Isaac and took Jake and tried to lay with him, but Jake fussed and fussed and squirmed and clawed at his face...So Grant got up with him, muttering and kicking the covers around, went over to the changing table kicking things out of his way, and started grabbing the things that were in the way and throwing them down on the floor angrily. Then he gently layed Jake down, supporting his head with one hand and talked to him while he changed him.
Somehow this completely bowled me over as the sweetest thing I'd ever seen.
I'm trying to get ahold of the babysitter we met at PATH for this evening, so we can go somewhere/do something. I left a message for her yesterday but she was out doing some kind of volunteer work. Possibly we'll hit it over to Ruby Tuesday and then see Thank You for Smoking at the new theater...although we can't really afford to do any of that. We're both riding high on the last of our wedding gifted money and putting a high priority on being together. I wonder what I'll do with Jake. Maybe nurse him right before I leave and call between things to see if he's fussy. And/or I do have 4 ounces of milk in the freezer. But I don't think we even have a bottle in the house o_O Just the nipple-less ones that attach to my pump.
Haha, Isaac went and got some crayons and paper, all on his own, day before yesterday. He sat down at the table to draw with great concentration. When he was done he brought it to me, and pointing at it said, "Boobie! Mama! Boobie! Eat, eat - milk milk!" I asked, "You drew the boobie?" and he said, "Yeah! Boobie, boobie! Mama!" I can actually kind of see it. Especially with his helpful gestures showing that this central shape is the boobie, and all these wild lines are the milk going everywhere. The things that inspire us...The other day when I opened up the van and got him out, at the park, he said "Hot day." clear as anything. Like with the "t" at the end of "hot" even.
I had a hard day yesterday, as evidenced by my entry last night about work never being done. I wrote that up and then got out my devotional book, the uncanny one, and it was a scripture about being laborers with God and paragraphs about how whatever work we do, we do it with Christ and it's given to us according to our talents and so on and so forth about strength in the Spirit. That thing never quits.
Then I opened up my bible and it was all this hoohaw about not ever judging other people, how we condemn ourselves when we judge and it's not our place or job or command, to do that...all this stuff in Romans about loving people as they are. I've been dealing with a whole week of struggling with that big time...Mindy is over here constantly again and she's trying to be nice, she's bringing books or one of her snakes or something like that every day for the kids, and talking with me about adult books and volunteering movies on loan and all this. It's been making me nuts, I get so sick of how she just pops in and out a dozen times a day when she has no reason to be here, never knocking, blah blah blah...and Grant is normally somewhere in between apathetic and rude with her, because she will really walk all over you if you give her an inch... But he's telling me now how she's detoxing and hanging out here so she won't be tempted and backslide, and how there must be something she likes about seeing a family exist and that's got to be good for her. How he thinks she's doing the best she can with what she's got...sigh. I'm trying. Sort of. *hanging head*
I'm trying to see her teeny tiny outfits and ultra-loud laughter as "culture" for the children. They don't even go to school, and I can't control EVERYTHING, they need some diversity...I think? She never says anything innappropriate to them, really, and it is of limited value for me to mentally rant and rave nonstop about how she has her own children that need her. "Holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and expecting it to hurt the other person", as they say. She is making improvements with her kids, and I have a tendency to be very jaded about it like, "Yeah well what the heck is THAT compared to what she's supposed to be doing as a mother??" I'm not even going to type out the instances I mean, because it would honestly just be an occassion for me to spell out her shortcomings. And that's ridiculous. God have mercy on my sinning soul and I'm thankful that I'm not the one in charge.
And churches. Oy, churches! And Churches. Not just C vs c, but C vs C and c vs c vs c. I apologize to those who have no idea what I'm talking about, but I don't have the energy to go into it right now and Ananda's waiting for her long anticipated reading.
I LOVE GRANT SO MUCH!
Anyway, yeah :p
I lay there with him at night and feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. Even when there's a baby next to me and a toddler on top of him, or we're both so tired we're delerious. I grin like a fool and he spots me and we laugh.
A couple mornings ago, we hadn't gotten much sleep. Jake was really fussy all night for whatever reason. Wouldn't nurse, didn't need to be changed, just apparently wanted to wake up every 15-20 minutes and fuss for a minute or so and then go back to sleep without explanation, all night long. We were both really crabby and irritable when Isaac woke up earlier than normal and we realized that was it for sleeping. Grant brought me Isaac and took Jake and tried to lay with him, but Jake fussed and fussed and squirmed and clawed at his face...So Grant got up with him, muttering and kicking the covers around, went over to the changing table kicking things out of his way, and started grabbing the things that were in the way and throwing them down on the floor angrily. Then he gently layed Jake down, supporting his head with one hand and talked to him while he changed him.
Somehow this completely bowled me over as the sweetest thing I'd ever seen.
I'm trying to get ahold of the babysitter we met at PATH for this evening, so we can go somewhere/do something. I left a message for her yesterday but she was out doing some kind of volunteer work. Possibly we'll hit it over to Ruby Tuesday and then see Thank You for Smoking at the new theater...although we can't really afford to do any of that. We're both riding high on the last of our wedding gifted money and putting a high priority on being together. I wonder what I'll do with Jake. Maybe nurse him right before I leave and call between things to see if he's fussy. And/or I do have 4 ounces of milk in the freezer. But I don't think we even have a bottle in the house o_O Just the nipple-less ones that attach to my pump.
Haha, Isaac went and got some crayons and paper, all on his own, day before yesterday. He sat down at the table to draw with great concentration. When he was done he brought it to me, and pointing at it said, "Boobie! Mama! Boobie! Eat, eat - milk milk!" I asked, "You drew the boobie?" and he said, "Yeah! Boobie, boobie! Mama!" I can actually kind of see it. Especially with his helpful gestures showing that this central shape is the boobie, and all these wild lines are the milk going everywhere. The things that inspire us...The other day when I opened up the van and got him out, at the park, he said "Hot day." clear as anything. Like with the "t" at the end of "hot" even.
I had a hard day yesterday, as evidenced by my entry last night about work never being done. I wrote that up and then got out my devotional book, the uncanny one, and it was a scripture about being laborers with God and paragraphs about how whatever work we do, we do it with Christ and it's given to us according to our talents and so on and so forth about strength in the Spirit. That thing never quits.
Then I opened up my bible and it was all this hoohaw about not ever judging other people, how we condemn ourselves when we judge and it's not our place or job or command, to do that...all this stuff in Romans about loving people as they are. I've been dealing with a whole week of struggling with that big time...Mindy is over here constantly again and she's trying to be nice, she's bringing books or one of her snakes or something like that every day for the kids, and talking with me about adult books and volunteering movies on loan and all this. It's been making me nuts, I get so sick of how she just pops in and out a dozen times a day when she has no reason to be here, never knocking, blah blah blah...and Grant is normally somewhere in between apathetic and rude with her, because she will really walk all over you if you give her an inch... But he's telling me now how she's detoxing and hanging out here so she won't be tempted and backslide, and how there must be something she likes about seeing a family exist and that's got to be good for her. How he thinks she's doing the best she can with what she's got...sigh. I'm trying. Sort of. *hanging head*
I'm trying to see her teeny tiny outfits and ultra-loud laughter as "culture" for the children. They don't even go to school, and I can't control EVERYTHING, they need some diversity...I think? She never says anything innappropriate to them, really, and it is of limited value for me to mentally rant and rave nonstop about how she has her own children that need her. "Holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and expecting it to hurt the other person", as they say. She is making improvements with her kids, and I have a tendency to be very jaded about it like, "Yeah well what the heck is THAT compared to what she's supposed to be doing as a mother??" I'm not even going to type out the instances I mean, because it would honestly just be an occassion for me to spell out her shortcomings. And that's ridiculous. God have mercy on my sinning soul and I'm thankful that I'm not the one in charge.
And churches. Oy, churches! And Churches. Not just C vs c, but C vs C and c vs c vs c. I apologize to those who have no idea what I'm talking about, but I don't have the energy to go into it right now and Ananda's waiting for her long anticipated reading.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-28 05:59 pm (UTC)HA! Have you maybe been reading the Orthodoxy thread? Online Orthodoxy can truly drive one mad. Don't listen to what people say online, for the most part. Online Orthodoxy can be a religion unto itself, and I rarely recognize it as my own faith.
You and Grant have something really wonderful. You make me want to have babies, just because I know seeing someone I love like that take care of *our* baby would make me love him so much I would fall totally to pieces. Men and babies. It just kills me.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-28 06:09 pm (UTC)I second the fact that you and Grant have something really special. Grant is a treasure.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-28 08:20 pm (UTC)One I'm only gradually learning to not cling tightly to and worry over night and day.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-28 08:19 pm (UTC)Yeah, I was paid in, driven to, and bought clothes for an amazing christian camp where I found God, by a female minister. Another female minister was the director there. A third was my cabin counselor and taught me some amazing prayers and songs that still help me.
The first one I mentioned also baptized me.
Do I think women should be ordained? I'm not really sure anymore. Haven't been for awhile. I think it's sad that men, and fathers, and masculinity have been so devalued by our society. I CAN see that "different" does not mean "one is better that the other" and do believe strongly in real gender differences. I also believe that the Spirit did at least USE the ordained women who touched my life. Blah blah blah.
Thank you, about Grant. I think so too :) And you should definitely have babies.
I SO expected you (and Dama) to weigh in on that "...more kids?" thread of mine.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-28 08:37 pm (UTC)I'll think about if I have anything worth saying, and post to your thread if I do.
Just know that I'm glad you're so thoughtful about the whole thing, and I think you're an awesome mom to the brood you have, and I remember you in my prayers often. Also, I'm grateful for all you've shared about your own pregnancies, because, while I always knew I didn't want a c-section, your story is the first one that made me realize that my desire to have so many children means I better do my damndest not to have a c-section the first time. So thanks for that. Your stories help a lot of women, I think.
I've been wanting a baby even more than usual lately. It's getting kind of hard.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-29 12:50 am (UTC)And it scares me to death to think of you pregnant and facing another c-section. It really does. Though that could very well be lack of faith on my part too.
I wish you had a spiritual father, someone to guide you and Grant together in a decision like this. I had a good friend in the mission church where Brad and I were Chrismated who confided in me that her husband was talking to the priest about getting a vasectomy. They had four children and he was an artist that was very sporadically employed, they had no money...but it was a horribly difficult thing for her. They ended up not doing it and have since had another baby and he found full-time employment...but she also did not have the c-section issue. This is so personal...so difficult...
no subject
Date: 2006-04-28 06:27 pm (UTC)I really love that you're writing and I get to read. I really really missed you.
I've been reading my devotional bible, at least once a day. It's been hard, but it's a good hard.