I identify so much with this, it's scary. I am not even sure what to say, but I want to say and say and say, because... The thing about saying you're weak, just being an excuse... I did that, I took on too much for where I was, because I was weak. Because I thought that I needed to try more and more, to the point of unbearable tension. I don't know, I had other issues at the time too. Maybe you aren't doing what I was.
It will be easier for you, I think when you are married... I don't think God intended people to have to live with *that* tension and struggle all the time (I don't mean that as a judgement about your situation in any way, just thinking about what you are struggling with). Some tension, some struggle should be there, but sometimes thinking you have to do more... and more... can become untenable.
The thing for me, was that I felt I had to keep pushing further and further, and it made me think that I was better than other people, because I was doing that, I was willing to live with incredible stress and tension and even misery (this is all probably not you at all, I'm sorry, it's just that what you said rang enough bells with me... for all this to come out). And what I ended up doing, was learning to do just what was doable, just what I could do with joy. Not necessarily doing something wrong, per se, but acknowledging that the best I could do, *really* do, *wasn't* actually wrong. I was helped with this though, by having the situation of having a priest, a spiritual father really, who helped me with this. Who said "No, you should not be doing so much". I had kept trying, and then crashing and burning with it. And it was better for me. I didn't used to understand people not trying to do everything. Now I do. And now what I do, even if I am pushing myself a bit (because that is, in fact, usually a good thing) is, underneath everything, done because I truly want to. With joy, even.
Okay, maybe this is not really a response to what you are saying. I'm sorry. Why am I spilling all this anyway? I hope it makes some sense.
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It will be easier for you, I think when you are married... I don't think God intended people to have to live with *that* tension and struggle all the time (I don't mean that as a judgement about your situation in any way, just thinking about what you are struggling with). Some tension, some struggle should be there, but sometimes thinking you have to do more... and more... can become untenable.
The thing for me, was that I felt I had to keep pushing further and further, and it made me think that I was better than other people, because I was doing that, I was willing to live with incredible stress and tension and even misery (this is all probably not you at all, I'm sorry, it's just that what you said rang enough bells with me... for all this to come out). And what I ended up doing, was learning to do just what was doable, just what I could do with joy. Not necessarily doing something wrong, per se, but acknowledging that the best I could do, *really* do, *wasn't* actually wrong. I was helped with this though, by having the situation of having a priest, a spiritual father really, who helped me with this. Who said "No, you should not be doing so much". I had kept trying, and then crashing and burning with it. And it was better for me. I didn't used to understand people not trying to do everything. Now I do. And now what I do, even if I am pushing myself a bit (because that is, in fact, usually a good thing) is, underneath everything, done because I truly want to. With joy, even.
Okay, maybe this is not really a response to what you are saying. I'm sorry. Why am I spilling all this anyway? I hope it makes some sense.