altarflame: (Default)
For whatever reason, I still feel like my younger and more easily gutted self in two relationship situations:

1.) Altered expectations (i.e., if I’ve been told something is going to happen, but then it doesn’t happen). I am a-ok with being told things aren’t gonna happen, and pretty ok with hoping independently for things that don’t come to pass. But I am so upset - and so angry that I’ve been put in the position of being upset - when something is offered but then not actually available. This can be time, attention, actions, whatever. I am not talking about situations when logistical hurdles come up unexpectedly; I mean when the person who has made the offer takes it back, either implicitly or explicitly.

2.) It seriously knocks the wind out of my sails and makes me just recoil when I’m clearly and obviously too much for someone. If I send a long message to somebody and get back “whoa, wall of text,” it’s over with that person. Reading it 2 days later when you have time and can take attention to detail is 100% ok and not at all offensive. Letting me know it’s gonna be a week because you have so much going on can even be fine. Ideally, you send “walls of text,” too, as I’m hungry for what others have to say and am not lookin’ for anything I am not willing to give.
Writing stuff is a small and random example, though. I’ve experienced this same feeling of “too muchness” when I’m full of joy and love for someone and my affection is enthusiastic and thus perceived as off putting, or when I am happy and excited and get an annoyed reaction like I’m overwhelming just for being in a good mood. Sometimes, being too much is inevitable, as every human has varying changeable moods, and so to some degree I understand this one can be irrational. I don’t think it’s going away, though. I am EXTREMELY patient, very accepting, and many other good and desirable things, so it’s kinda just my price of admission that I also have real low tolerance for this. Or, perhaps a better way to put it is that I am generally only compatible with those who are looking for a lot and like to get it.

May 2017

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